Girlfriend says she's "asexual"?

[intern]

I just started to date this one girl.

 

A few nights ago me and her had some small bits of sexual activity for the first time.

 

Most of it consisted of me giving her fingering and cunnilingus, and she did seem to like it.

 

I was having trouble putting on a condom, so I was not able do much further, so I went back to our earlier activities for a while.

 

Afterwards, she told me that she was Asexual and that she never masturbated and gets pleasure by giving me pleasure.

 

I did a small bit of amateurish research about human asexuality and gained information of how asexuals usually do not experience sexual attraction, nor tend to enjoy sex personally.

 

I am not fully sure if she is a 100% asexual or not, as she did seem to enjoy what I did with her last time. Maybe she simply has a lower sex drive than other people? Has she had bad experience with sex, and is having a slow recovery process? Perhaps the condom incident may have been a turn off to her?

 

It doesn't seem like she said she was asexual as an excuse, it seemed like she at least had working knowledge of herself about this, perhaps inaccurate but there seemed to have been a basis to her statement.

 

This is troubling me. I would like this activity to be enjoyable for her too, not simply as a “service” for me. Would like to know what I can do to make it more enjoyable for her. Any suggestions, analysis of the situation and so on?

 

Thanks!

[arwen]

Hey intern,

 

I had a 4 month relationship with someone who was more or less in denial about being asexual. I really doubt that your gf would say this if she didn't think it applied to her. Most people aren't even aware that asexuality exists.

 

Maybe my experience is of help I recognize how you describe that you want her to feel pleasure and not do a 'service' to you. The signals that I understood once that exbf revealed that he was afraid he was asexual were exactly that: the strange sense that sex felt like a chore (his bodily function AND arousal worked- but for instance, ejaculation didn't bring him that pleasant feeling of orgasm that 'sexual' persons have). He'd act funny when there were sexual jokes on tv, he could stop making out and act as if nothing happened.

 

All these things just made me think that he wasn't so into sex. I related it to me being only his second gf. It never occurred to me that him never having gf's in the first place was related to him not being attracted to people sexually. One night, he suddenly blurted out we needed to talk, and he said that he never felt any sexual attraction to anyone, and couldn't imagine what it was. That sex in fact didn't feel pleasurable, almost the opposite. I cried so hard, I was so hurt by the thought that he did things with me and that we experienced it so differently. It wasn't a LTR at that time, and we weren't really serious, but still this made a big impression on me. I never knew about asexuality. We decided to end the relationship- this was mutual.

 

Personally... I think that it is very hard for a sexual person to be in romantic relationship with an asexual person. And vice versa- for an asexual person (guys can be asexual as well!) it's easier to form romantic bonds with someone who doesn't have that need either. I'd evaluate your relationship, if I were you. It will take some soul-searching: what it would mean to you, on the long term, to be in a sexless relationship, or in a relationship where the sexual part will never have that mutual feel/desire. And discuss it with her, do this in dialogue.

 

You probably found this site already, but I will give it anyway since it helped me lots:

 

link removed

 

Hope this helps. Ask me anything if you need to know.

[Binoo]

I suppose that's a possibilty.

Sex and sexual attraction is so vast it's difficult to group everyone into specific catagories.

The only thing I can suggest you do to give her pleasure is ask her...does she like any sort of sexual activity? Does she like romance and sweet talk?

Even if she doesn't become sexually turned on, emotionally she can and that make may the experience pleasureable enough for her.

[intern]

That's a very grim outlook on the whole situation. It's been a very long time since I met a girl that is so much like me, she has been pretty much perfect until this area of our relationship. I may just be really into the “gracing period” of the relationship, but I don't want to just come in and break up with this otherwise, incredibly charming, intelligent and fun woman without trying everything I can.

 

Yes, I did see the asexuality site along with the Asexuality Community online. There does seem to be a large population of asexuals, and the alternatives I've seen to relationships on these boards have usually been a complete long term romantic relationship between two asexuals or a polyanamorous relationship. All of this cannot really apply to me at this time.

 

She does seem to get pleasure out of the fingering and cunnilingus, I don't think she had an orgasm in it, but she did. And we do tend to have very long make out sessions and have trouble keeping off of each other. Perhaps there could be some kind of “trade-switch” agreement here where I can pleasure her for a little while and she pleasures me?

[Umlunguusa]

I was asexual for quite some time, and I'm a man.

 

I dunno, I guess my feelings/emotions have more clout than the typical man in his sexual affairs I suppose.

[intern]

I was asexual for quite some time, and I'm a man.

 

I have not researched this topic quite thoroughly yet. What exactly is the cause of asexuality? Is it USUALLY an emotional choice like what YOU say it is? Or is it much more deeper and by birth, similar to being homosexual? Are there different forms of Asexuality (ones based on biology and others based on emotional trauma)?

 

I mean I could go as far to say that she complains alot about her family who are incredibly promiscuous and tend to like churning out babies (her mom had her first child at the age of 17 & her cousin is already on her 2nd child, and they're at similar ages). Perhaps her claim to asexuality is due to something much deeper than simply biology?

 

Or am I grabbing for straws?