Long distance bf moving in w/ female bestfriend

[perplexxxed]

Hello Everyone!

 

I have a dilemma. My ldr bf of 2 1/2 years wants to move in with his female bestfriend.

My bf is sick of life in the co-ed dorm he is living in and is talking about getting a place with his female best friend who recently broke-up with her own bf (at the moment still living together).

 

My bfs motivation:

-tired of social/work related obligations that go with living at the dorm, needs more personal space

-feels that living with Z would be cozy, and enhance creative inspiration (they sometimes play music together)and intellectually stimulating (they have common interests)

-he has never experienced being roommates with a friend and it is something he would like to try

-he would like to help her out (she really needs to move out of her ex bfs apt)

 

My issues:

- Z, the female bestfriend has have major issues in the past: with alcohol, fear of abandonment, and generally having problems with letting go.

-Although I really like her, there are aspects of her personality that annoy me in relation to my bfs connection with her: she can be quite 'claiming' at times, emotionally dependent and needy as far as attention goes..when they talk the intense lengthy conversations often center around her and her problems.

-I have a problem with my bfs tendency to coddle her, something he has admitted to. He sees her as a little sister and wants to help her. I don't believe the coddling is not healthy for either one of them.

-Although I know that there is nothing romantic/sexual between them I still view K as my competitor in sense. I feel some jealousy that I am trying to place. I trying to get to the root of the jealousy. I know that I would resent it if they spent loads of time together sharing little things that I want to share with him.

-another issue I have is privacy. I get the feeling that when I visit him it will always be the three of us, cooking, dining, watching movies, going out together (the times I have been with her I have really gotten along with her, she doesn't annoy me directly...their relationship annoys/bothers me)

-I question if am I in my 'good right' to object to them living together (based upon past and present issues)?

 

My bf and I have experienced some rough patches that had to do with his being unsure if we had a future together. The insecurity seems to be resolved, he know says that he realizes that I am the woman for him and that he wants us to be together. Both of us would love to eventually move in together but when and where that will be is uncertain at the moment and it won't be more certain for another 2 years, when he will have completed his education.

 

I feel really torn by this. On the one hand I feel a sense of impending dread and feel that our relationship can't afford another stressor and cause of insecurity and conflict but on the other hand I wouldn't want to be the one who 'robs' him of an experience.

 

My bf and I are doing our best to be open and we have been discussing this for the past couple weeks but I have a really bad feeling about the whole thing.

Am I being a drama queen?

 

Please, need advice/input!!!

 

~Ps forgive me if my post comes over as being incoherent. Just ask and I'll gladly clarify Thanks in advance

Reply With Quote

[TENNFOLD1974]

Do you trust him? If so don't worry about it.If you don't then consider this a red flag.Me personally I don't like LD relationships.And if my GF was wanting to move in with her male friend I would be livid.

[Smoothie58]

I think there are some people that can handle this and would view it as completely fine. I however would never agree to it. I understand you don't want to "rob" him of anything, but I think it is unfair of him to want to live with a female friend. If you are feeling uncomfortable with it, I say tell him that and don't feel bad about it. Its your relationship and if he cares, he will understand.

[pumpkinmoon]

I wouldn't be comfortable with this either and I don't think you are overreacting.

 

How long has he known her? Doesn't he have any male friends he could live with?

[thatdoggirl]

This is something that if I were in this situation I wouldn't be able to accept. I say you talk to your boyfriend about all of this and how you are feeling. If he decides that he still wants to live with this best female friend of his and you can't accept it then you have to make a decision. I'm sorry but there are some limits that people set for themselves in a relationship. It's up to you and what the both of you can agree on. I don't see anything wrong in not accepting this living arrangement.

[perplexxxed]

I trust my boyfriend not to stray, I really don't believe that there could be anything sexual between them, they have been friends for 7 years. What bothers me among other things is their history i.e. that fact that she can be emotionally dependent and in need of attention and his tendency to be a pleaser in that area. It is the intensity of the emotional attachment that I have issues with. I'm trying to be open minded but I can predict a multitude of conflicts arising from them living together. Not merely resulting from apprehension but also from my annoyance concerning the intrapersonal conflicts they may have between them. They have argued intensely (on and off) in the past. And at the start of our relationship I have heard many complaints about her from my bf. BTW Thanks for the advice

[laisla]

i would say that it is inappropriate for him to move in with a female close friend. out of respect for you he shouldn't do this. neither of them need to move in with each other. she can move in with a female roommate, and your bf can move in with another male roommate.

[Binoo]

I don't think I would be too comfortable with this idea no matter how much I trust my boyfriend.

And I suppose if there was no physical attachment to worry about you had mentioned the emotional dependancy...what happens when you and your boyfriend want a place of your own? I'd be afraid that he would feel guilty about leaving her and therefore, the two of you would be stuck with her until either you can't take it anymore and have to ditch her or she finds someone else to cling to [ a boyfriend, perhaps ].

I have been in a situation where I lived with both my good friend and my boyfriend at the same time and it was a constant struggle.

I always felt like I needed to divide my attention or someone would get hurt. It's exhausting.

[perplexxxed]

@ thatdoggirl, shoefairy and smoothie58, what is it about the situation that I described that makes you feel that I am not over reacting? What points do you agree on? I'm curious.

[angellight]

I would not want my significant other living with a female even if they are only friends...It's like playing with fire..when people are together all the time things can happen, even if you trust him, I would not like it....Of course you feel insecure...she has known him 7 yrs, you 2 1/2. You have just recently gone through tough times where he was not sure he wanted the relationship...She will be with him everyday while you are long distance and only get to see him sometimes..she will be in the position in the relationship where you should be...when you go there you want to spend time alone with him, this is only normal and really what are you supposed to say....Hey---- you see him everyday could you give us some time alone?

[perplexxxed]

Thanks Angellight, you took the words right out of my heavy heart.

[anggrace]

How often would you be visiting?

[perplexxxed]

How often would you be visiting?

 

Once every 8 weeks or so. We alternate visits, so he visits me one month and visit him the next.

[catfeeder]

I can appreciate your discomfort, but in your shoes I'd be very careful not to come off as if this is your decision to make (or influence) rather than his. If your relationship has been on shaky ground in the past, the last thing you'll want to do is assume the unsexiest position in the universe--that of his mother.

 

If your age is 43, we have to assume you're talking about a fully grown adult man. Sure, he might be passive and appear to defer to you, but if you attempt to exercise control over this issue, he'll not only resent you, but he'll probably do it anyway.

 

The problem with playing parent in a relationship is that kids grow up and rebel. So if the choice is to go to war over something you can't win, I'd skip the war. It's just not the way to 'hold on' to someone for 2 years until you can make your relationship more workable. I'd rethink the LDR thing instead. We never get any wasted time back.

 

Food for thought, and in your corner.

[perplexxxed]

Thanks, I completely agree that exercising control is not the way to go. I don't feel that it is my place to tell him 'NO' I can only make my own feelings and thoughts clear. So far we have been communicating very well so i'm pretty confident that we will find a solution that we both can be content with. He has been reading the thread as well and for the most part finds it to be quite insightful.

And yes the LDR thing is something that I would like to change but it is complicated and won't happen overnight. Thankfully I don't experience our time together as being 'wasted'. We have gone through some ups and downs but I think that we have a strong connection to each other. So far we have been able to tackle the major issues while emerging stronger in the end.

 

Thanks for the support!

[pumpkinmoon]

@ thatdoggirl, shoefairy and smoothie58, what is it about the situation that I described that makes you feel that I am not over reacting? What points do you agree on? I'm curious.

 

For me, I would be uncomfortable with it because I would feel weird like you said about her sharing things with him that you want to share with him. I would also be worried about their relationship developing into something more as they would be spending a lot of time together. If she is emotionally dependent on him as you say she is, I think that men like to be the "hero" is these kind of situations.

 

I am not implying that he will cheat or that this would even happen but it is what I myself would worry about.

[perplexxxed]

For me, I would be uncomfortable with it because I would feel weird like you said about her sharing things with him that you want to share with him. I would also be worried about their relationship developing into something more as they would be spending a lot of time together. If she is emotionally dependent on him as you say she is, I think that men like to be the "hero" is these kind of situations.

 

I am not implying that he will cheat or that this would even happen but it is what I myself would worry about.

 

Thanks for the input. The possibility of the relationship developing into more would be something that would always be in the back of my mind. This alone would be an added stressor in our relationship.

[pumpkinmoon]

I'm sorry if I missed it but how old is he?

 

Would he be comfortable if it was the other way around? I think it is unfair of him to expect this from you really.

[diabolik]

I would not want my significant other living with a female even if they are only friends...It's like playing with fire..

Exactly. Every night is another opportunity for him to screw up. It would help if she were in a relationship so she would also be motivated to avoid the temptation.

 

The low level of physical attraction doesn't matter so much when the emotional connection is so strong.

[perplexxxed]

Good to get some feedback from a male as well. Thanks

[perplexxxed]

My bf is 28 years old.

[pumpkinmoon]

Are you both planning to live together when he has finished his education?

[diabolik]

My bf is 28 years old.

He's 28 and you're 43, and he's going to be living with a close female friend of his for a couple of years while you visit once every 2 months?

 

How old is his friend?

 

Unless she is very old, lesbian, morbidly obese or otherwise hideous, or unless he is very undesirable (I assume he's not since you're with him!), I would bet that this living arrangement will end badly for you. Sorry, I know that's not what you wanted to hear.

[Ms Darcy]

Hi Perplexxed,

 

It sounds like you are trying to handle this in a healthy way - you are being open about your feelings and communicating them to your bf. In addition, I can certainly understand how living with a female best friend (needy, newly single etc) can make you feel uncomfortable. Sometimes you never know what can happen when two people of the opposite sex reside in close quarters and develop an emotional bond.

 

What really struck me was the thought that she is getting from him what you want ... the opportunity for increased togetherness and closeness. Honestly, I think this comes down to you two figuring out what you want in the relationship. You certainly cannot and should not try to control his decision but you can state your needs. Can you make plans to live together in a year or at least to move closer? Can he consider making the arrangement with her a short term situation?

 

You cannot 'make' yourself feel comfortable with it. If he wants to do it, he will. If he does it, though, the two of you need to have a lot of agreements in place where HE owns making you the priority. Thus, when you visit, he ensures his bf is not around etc. You, naturally, need some assurances from him to acknowledge your concerns and demonstrate his overarching respect for your relationship more than his friendship. If he can't do that, then you need to question where his priorities lie.

[Rabican]

Personally i dont think I would ever be comfortable with my SO shacking up as roomates with another guy. Regardless of who my SO was, or who the guy was... I just think thats much to like putting the fox in the henhouse.

 

Better avoided if you ask me. Especially if its a LDR which are hard enough to make work without this extra kink in the chain.