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Need an outsider's perspecitive please help...


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Ok so I am a college freshman, and I am bi, although I don't really advertise it. There is this guy I like, and actually used to be my dorm roommate until I was forced to move for alcohol violations but that's a different story. I always wondered if he were straight through the 4-5 months we lived with each other. Since moving, I never really talk to him much anymore, but last night I saw him at a party, and we always got along really well, and I told him I was going to drink him under the table. Well he actually kept up very well throughout the night, and later on a few six packs later, he asked me if I wanted to go smoke some herbs. I said sure and so we left with a couple girls to go have a smoke. Well, our group of 4 smoked quite a bit, and we ended up at a random party in the town, and so me and him stayed there for a while, and the girls left unannounced. We got bored at this party after a while, and headed to a different one we had heard of earlier that night. We were very twisted and messed up, and sometimes had a hard time walking. Well this is about the time I started getting signs from him that he might like me more than a friend. I couldn't help but notice him try to steal glances once in a while when we took bathroom breaks in random yards around town periodically during our adventures... there were some other more subtle signs I thought I was picking up too on our journeys...

 

Anyway, we ended up back at my room, and I turned on some music, and he sprawled out on the spare bed in my room. So being in the state I was, my inhibitions were a bit non existant, so I locked my door so nobody would open the door randomly (it happens here, especially on weekends lol) and layed down next to him almost pretending to kind of fall over on the same bed... we were both still awake at the moment and still drunk talking and dialing people and what not... well anyway, he was complaining about his ankle bringing him a lot of pain all night and as I laid down next to him and, well I took a chance I would have never taken if sober, and began to massage his foot/ankle, well right away I started massaging the wrong foot lol... he just said "other one dude" and so he moved his legs over so I could massage his other foot. Well things started to get slightly more sexual very fast I started massaging other places as well as his foot, and he never really objected to it. Well needless to say we were terribly drunk and "high" so I actually fell asleep after a while of this with my arms around him, he never stopped me or anything, well I woke up a while later like this, and I realized what had happened, and I wanted to go a little farther, so I started to get a little more sexual in hopes he'd join in, but he didn't and actually just kind of rolled over when I had 'gone too far'. I was embarassed and nervous needless to say, and so I went and slept in my bed the rest of the night.

 

When we got up, he didn't act anything out the ordinary, he wasn't upset or anything, and actually stayed around and chilled in my room for a while. We actually got up and searched where we remembered we were at the night before for our keys and other missing items. We didn't find them, and so we went to eat lunch right after, we talked and laughed about all the crazy stuff we did the night before while eating, but nothing was ever said about our sleeping arrangements. We got along well like always and he left back for his place, we agreed to call each other if we found anymore awesome parties, but we haven't talked to each other all day today, I texted him telling him he left stuff here but he never responded to that either.

 

I don't have any reason to suspect he went around telling people about it. None of our mutual friends have said anything about it whatsoever. So is he just not interested, or do you think he was just scared/hessitant about the situation? My intuition says he was just hessitant, but I don't really know, we were getting pretty close, and he didn't get angry or anything about it the way you'd think a straight guy would...

 

Not really sure where to go from here, I feel weird around him now, and I'm not really sure what to do...

 

so if you guys have any opinions, I'd love to hear them, thanks for reading the novel.

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if you rarely see him since you moved out, maybe it wouldn't hurt to investigate into this a little further. worst case is you push away someone that already isn't in your life too much.

 

as for his behavior when he rolled over and stuff, maybe he thought you were drunk and didn't mean it, and didn't want you to think that he was enjoying it, while he really was. if that makes any sense.

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well he never really talked about girls... and I know some guys are just plain comfortable with parading around with minimal clothing on, one of my friends actually can be found almost nude walking around room to room over there lol and I know he's very straight... but as far as wishful thinking, vs. fact, well I don't know he always undressed like right in front of me in the mornings and nights...

 

There was one time where he came back from the showers with just a towel around his waist, and was busy doing HW at my desk right by his couch, and well, the towel kind of fell/drooped off somewhat, and he just sat there with things exposed for like a half hour I remember... but other than that it's more of just a gut feeling, I have noticed him pretty friendly and interested with me when I get back from showering and what not idk... like I said, he proclaims to be straight and it's just really hard to tell what to think right now

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hmm... sounds like it could go either way

 

There was one time where he came back from the showers with just a towel around his waist, and was busy doing HW at my desk right by his couch, and well, the towel kind of fell/drooped off somewhat, and he just sat there with things exposed for like a half hour I remember... but other than that it's more of just a gut feeling, I have noticed him pretty friendly and interested with me when I get back from showering and what not idk... like I said, he proclaims to be straight and it's just really hard to tell what to think right now

 

although doing homework basically naked at YOUR desk, that's a pretty obvious sign of something. (if he is straight, that's just....weird. lol)

 

darn confusing friends

people are so confusing sometimes.

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ya I wish I knew... kind of worried about the possible spreading of rumors about me and everything, I'm not really ready to announce things to everyone I know... but I haven't heard anything from anyone about it, idk... just confused... part of me says he's just scared, I mean I don't really wanna go into a lot of detail but I'm thinking most straight guys would be freaked out after last night lol...

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chances are, he is scared. either of the fact he is attracted to you and doesn't know what to do about that, or that he caught onto what you were doing/thinking and isn't into that or comfortable.

 

i doubt he'd tell anyone about it. after all, even if he wasn't into it, it's not like he exactly stopped you. he lost interest eventually but wasn't like " * * * are you doing, get away". so if he wants to go around and talk about how you came onto him, he's going to have to admit his own actions.

 

and if all else fails, you can definitely try to pull the "i was so drunk, i don't even remember" card.

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What are you hoping for? In your wildest dreams, what type of relationship are you hoping for with this guy?

 

We get a lot of these threads, and really his sexual orientation is not the primary issue here, but mutual attraction, mutual goals in life etc is.

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I just want what anyone else wants gay straight black white brown w/e.. someone who cares about me mutually, that I can share anything with and all you know?... I guess I really didn't explain everything, this isn't just some booty call quest, I did live with the guy for months, we know each other really well we both always stayed up really late at night and hung out a lot because everyone else was asleep lol, I really do like him more than just physically, he's one of the most easy going and open minded people I've ever met...

 

Well I realized there was more to life a couple nights ago... I never really got that close to anyone before and I realized what I had been missing out on my whole life...I guess I kind of realize now I'm probably more on the gay side of the kinsey scale, I just never realized it until now, I mean I have been with a couple girls and it was pretty ok, but... I've never connected with a girl that deeply, I guess I realize what I really want now, and feel like I can never have it because I'm just too scared to tell people. I have the brains, good health, all that good stuff but I've always just felt really alone... and possibl because this society has such a negative image of homosexuality... I hate the stereotypes too because I am by no means feminine, I don't have 'limp wrists' and infact I'm probably the guy you're afraid to say to the wrong thing to for fear of your health and well being... I have always known I was very different than most people from an early age... I have rejected the "norm" in this sick society and spent my whole life kind of fighting it, and now I guess I realize that I cannot win... I just wish I could be normal... I am just really lonely, right now I feel like I'm going to die alone, bitter, and unhappy... but mostly just alone, and all because I'm too afraid to tell people about me, I come from a town where it's ok to find just the possibly gay kids after school and beat them, I guess I'm weak in my own ways too... anyway sorry for my ranting this is a really roller coaster ride of a weekend to me...

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because this society has such a negative image of homosexuality... I hate the stereotypes too because I am by no means feminine, I don't have 'limp wrists' and infact I'm probably the guy you're afraid to say to the wrong thing to for fear of your health and well being...

 

Time to probably take a deep breath, take a step back and not do anything rash. Even typing these things out and bringing these "truths" out about yourself is helping.

 

coming out really isnt about being afraid how other people will react, coming out is being comfortable with the idea that other people know about you regardless of how they react. You may hate these stereotypes, but they are well and alive within you, and that is going to take some time.

 

good luck

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How old are you, where do you live (general area, country, etc), can you move to somewhere more accepting?

 

I used to feel the same way you do, and it nearly killed me. Giving up on that dream, the one where you have a "normal life", with a house, a job, a family, a companion, except you have a caring, loving man instead of a woman, is the worst choice you could make...You live life only once, these 70 years or so that you're alive, sentient, self-aware, and able to feel emotions, able to love - you get it only once. At some point, you need to decide that you can't give up, and start planning to change things and eventually do it...

 

About your situation with your friend, sadly I've known the kind of feeling, and so far they've all turned out to be straight but too nice to stop me when I showed affection...so I can't really advise...

 

But don't give up! You don't have to be alone forever, you can find someone...give yourself that chance! Everyday that you spend feeling bad because you're not giving yourself a chance, thats 24hours that you won't get back. You need to decide to take the challenge!

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well chief I'm almost 19 now I go to college in the midwest... and yes... that thought is really killing me right now... as far as moving to somewhere more accepting... well I am living at a university and all but... as far as coming out idk... the thing is is I'm not what most people would think of as gay and I'm sure it would shock a lot of people... I know my family would probably frown on it pretty heavily, my brother told me he'd straight up kill me if I turned out gay but he's a crazy war vet and already tells my family he wants to kill me when he's drunk but that's a whole different story... I don't fake being completely straight and stuff... and as far as being femmy and gay and stuff, well that's not me either and I know that's not how all gay people are but the only people I can tell are gay and might be more friendly to this are like that I guess... I just don't really fit in anywhere, I don't know what to do with myself... I've already tried killing myself before but I know deep inside I can't, I'm a fighter till the end... but I really can't live like this anymore, I mean I can survive it, but I know things could be a lot better and worse really I guess...

 

I'm no dumb guy hell I'm an engineering student with a degree at age 17, and I know there's nothing wrong with me and that I should not care what other people think as I never have about anything else that's odd about me, but I can't help it, I guess I'm just weak like that...

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Coming out to most people won't help you until you're comfortable with yourself. Don't worry about them at this time. Know that they will always love you, and will come through in the end, but it is likely to take them a long time (it takes some parents/siblings up to 10 years), especially if they have been indoctrinated by Those Who Must Not Be Named that homosexuality is somehow wrong.

 

Killing yourself won't help anyone, and will deprive both the people that could benefit from your help in the future, and will deprive you of the only chance you had to get it right. You must not fail, you must never give up on your dreams.

 

You need to build yourself a support network, surround yourself by understanding people...You don't have to be alone in this. You need friends that understand what you are going through, people you can identify with... Is there a LGBT group at your university? If you join them, you will find there are a lot of people like you, ie not fitting the stereotypes, and these people can help you feel surrounded and not too alone. Also, do you have any close friends? You could try to find out if they are gay-friendly and eventually come out to them, their acceptance will go a long way to reassuring you...And even if they initially sound homophobic, many people that consider you a true friend will come through, and put aside their initial reaction (usually only fuelled by ignorance and/or hateful propaganda by the Above Mentionned), and show the support you deserve as their friend...

 

And you're not weak - a hell of a lot of us go through exactly that. Its a constraint of living in this world at this time. You're an engineer - you know how to include constraints in your analysis and formulate workarounds! Take it as a challenge, come up with options for your future and start working on it.

 

If you want to talk more, feel free to IM me, and I'll give you my email add...

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ya well I have a couple close friends I guess, one goes to school away in another state about 400 miles away, and my best friend since childhood is actually moving off the continent in a few months... we're a pretty progressive little group I guess lol... I'm not exactly the most social person on the earth but I'm friendly enough, don't really know anybody that well from here yet but... and idk the semester is almost up here in about a month so I'll probably move back home for the summer... back to hicktown, USA... another month of close minded bs people, back to my fanatical christian zealous family...

 

I'm sure I'll be ok for the rest of the semester, then again you never know with me, I have enough school work to keep anyone busy though... I don't have time to be down at all really

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ya well I have a couple close friends I guess, one goes to school away in another state about 400 miles away, and my best friend since childhood is actually moving off the continent in a few months... we're a pretty progressive little group I guess lol... I'm not exactly the most social person on the earth but I'm friendly enough, don't really know anybody that well from here yet but... and idk the semester is almost up here in about a month so I'll probably move back home for the summer... back to hicktown, USA... another month of close minded bs people, back to my fanatical christian zealous family...

 

I'm sure I'll be ok for the rest of the semester, then again you never know with me, I have enough school work to keep anyone busy though... I don't have time to be down at all really

 

You'll just have to put up with it for a while, until you can be on your own...I know it can be tough, but hang on dude

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As sad as it sounds, I've been waiting to completely rid myself of my hometown/area and family for a while now believe me, never got along with any of them since I was really little even... I basically moved in with a friend in a different town in my 17-18 yr old life... I was even a reported runaway a couple times, I'd just come back to my mom or dad's house for a day or two and leave again unannounced, those were the best months of my life for sure me and my bud lived wild it was great and I miss it more than anything, I even got thrown in jail within a couple weeks of turning 18 ya *impressive* huh?... so ya, I know all about waiting, I've been waiting a long time already, it sucks though and I know things can, and probably will get better, I'm just tired of it I guess, to tell the truth back in that stretch of time I just talked about, I lived like I wasn't going to be around after the summer after highschool even though I had already prepared and planned to come to college. My friend was the only person that brought any joy to my day, and when I finally realized we were both moving far from each other to move on with our lives, I just didn't really wanna keep going but I did anyway and here I am. There is just no joy really with daily life here, not much to look forward to anymore, just work and sleep, something needs to change, I just wish I could be myself again... no more hiding myself anymore idk if I can do it...

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uh no but once again he didn't act at all out of the ordinary... he came in and actually sat down for a moment and told me some weird funny story while I grabbed his stuff... just kind of strange to me I guess, no real reaction or inquiry from him idk what to think/do really I guess

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So he behaved liked nothing happened, this could be because of two things.

 

1) He is uncomfortalbe talking about it, he is sober now and doesnt want anything "weird" between the two of you.

 

2) He figures you are uncomfortable talking about it and respects what he thinks is your desire not to talk about it.

 

He might have been doing what you were doing, looking to see if there is any evidence of you wanting to bring this out in the open. Since you acted like nothing happened, he figured he would do the same.

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Well I know I am not exactly eagar to come out to anybody right now... so 2 is at least partially right. I'm sure he's not exactly eagar to either to either since I was the one that made the moves in the first place anyway... I've read other threads like mine, about the whole eye contact thing, and I know we definitely have more eye contact with each other than anyone else I know. That was actually one of the things that made me wonder about him before I even read about that kind of thing, I definitely believe eye contact is key, there is a reason for everything in this world. Back when I lived with him, I would sometimes get the feeling he was watching me well after we'd get done talking or after I'd look away after I'd look at him to say something. Anyway, so would you guys say there is a probable chance he might like me or at least be somewhat curious? I'm thinking about giving him a call this weekend to go out partying again, but this time kind of restrain myself so I'm not sloppy wasted again, and kind of investigate... I have a hard time sometimes when I can drink all I want all night for five dollars lol... Any ideas for kind of a slow subtle "investigation" if you will???

 

By the way luke I forgot to ever ask but... when you said " You may hate these stereotypes, but they are well and alive within you, and that is going to take some time."

 

What exactly are you saying here?? And thanks for the help I see this is turning into a long one to follow that's for sure...

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this society has such a negative image of homosexuality... I hate the stereotypes too because I am by no means feminine, I don't have 'limp wrists' and infact I'm probably the guy you're afraid to say to the wrong thing to for fear of your health and well being...

 

By saying that you are not the stereotypical gay man is in fact perpetuating the stereotype of what gay men are like. It seems to me that you have a very prejudicial view of what gay men are like and that you feel that you are not like that. I would say that your perception of the negative image of homosexuality has more to do with the fact that you are uncomfortable with who you are, than how society actually views homosexuality.

 

I will let you in on a little secret, the guy next to you is far more concerned about his own problems than he is concerned about your sexual preference. It may come as a shock to you but he is far more concerned about getting good marks, or passing an exam, or the bags under his eyes or the new pimple on his face, or whether some girl likes him than what you are agonizing about.

 

It is all what you perceive, for many who come out it, comes as a big shock and for some disappointment, that it really wasnt such a big deal.

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