Reflecting and Wondering... 3 days NC

[vodkacruiser23]

I've been reading threads about relationships with narcissists and it got me wondering about my ex-fiance. I don't know if he was a full-blown narcissist, perhaps he was just very immature (he's 26). He has said some suspect things in the past… eg:

 

- He has spoken multiple times about the history of his family name, raving on that he comes from a long line of aristocrats, etc. I found it odd that he'd bring that up so often. It started to annoy me after the first couple of times.

 

- Two days after he dumped me, I asked him to return some things of mine. He was in an immature, silly mood and hard to talk seriously to. Something was said, and he replied "I'm a (insert surname), we're always right. We never do anything wrong." I glared at him and he shut up after that.

 

He'd also laugh at less fortunate people. I remember us sitting on our front porch one day, and a disabled person walked past. I can't even remember in what way they were disabled. Anyhow, he thought it was hilarious. I was disgusted. I got up and went back inside.

 

So perhaps he was just very immature… although he did seem to think he was pretty awesome and brilliant at the same time.

 

When he started getting distant in the last 2 months of our relationship, he was determined not to tell me the problem, and just work through it in his head. He only told me how he felt after I caught him out lying – I found he wasn't at the gym when he said he was, and when he arrived home I asked if he was cheating on me. He said "You want to know the truth… I've been going for long drives to think… I know this will hurt you, I love and care about you, but I'm not 'in love' with you anymore."

 

He admitted everything was his fault, he said I'd always been so good to him, and his problems were absolutely nothing to do with anything I said or did. He cried his eyes out for the first time (that I'd seen) in our relationship. I guess if he were a narcissist, he wouldn't admit something was all his fault, and he probably wouldn't be crying about it either.

 

The only reasons I got for him leaving were:

- Things got to him 'mentally' (past, present and future, thoughts and fears)

- He was worried what he felt for me was not 'strong enough' to be a forever thing, and

- At this point in time he doesn't see me in his future.

 

Talking online three days after the break-up, he asked how I was doing. I said I wasn't doing too well and missed him (the old him) loads. He replied with something that left me wondering, but reading between the lines. "I know you do, and I don't know what I can say to make you feel a bit better. Well, I do know… but I'm not ready to say or do that just yet. Hopefully it won't be long and I will be. All I can say is keep your chin up and try to focus on a particular goal." To me that reads: "I want to try again, but right now I'm not ready to do that. Hopefully it won't be long before I've sorted myself out. In the meantime, try and think about you, and not me".

 

What do ya reckon? I finally know where I went wrong in the relationship (losing myself, living for him and not me) so I can only assume he may be thinking where he went wrong too and how to fix things. At the same time, I know dumpers don’t start consciously thinking through their actions and really missing you until the 6-8 week mark… and it's only been 8 days, plus the last 3 days have been NC.

 

I don't know why I'm reflecting so much today, probably because I had a rough day yesterday (see here) and because it’s the time of the day. I tend to do all my thinking and reflecting in that late-afternoon, deep yellow sunshine… sigh.

[uj2004]

 

What do ya reckon? I finally know where I went wrong in the relationship (losing myself, living for him and not me) so I can only assume he may be thinking where he went wrong too and how to fix things. At the same time, I know dumpers don’t start consciously thinking through their actions and really missing you until the 6-8 week mark… and it's only been 8 days, plus the last 3 days have been NC.

 

Don't beat yourself up too much on living for him. I am finding that since being away from my former girl, that my whole life was about her, thus the difficulty in getting back to what I want to do. What I wanted to do was whatever made her happy, and I dont think that's a bad thing, to love someone that much.

[vodkacruiser23]

It's day 4 of NC and I've just received a text from him. It says:

 

Hi ___ (smiley face) Just thought I'd send a text and see how you're doing. I was gonna text in the weekend but I lost my phone temporarily (tongue out face)

 

I have no idea how to answer it...

[vodkacruiser23]

Anyone?

 

I was thinking of replying "Hi, I'm doing good (because I imagine he'll be expecting me to say I'm doing badly) but I respected your decision to break up, and I'm giving you the space you want and need to sort yourself out, hence the no contact".

 

Would that suffice? Too much of a reply? Too rude? He texted about 2.5 hours ago, but I don't plan on replying for another few hours yet.

 

Edit: Or, should I reply something along the line of "Hi, I'm doing good, but can I ask what your intentions are by contacting me so soon?" (It's been 9 days since the breakup)

[stickman]

DON'T. When in doubt don't do or say anything. You owe him nothing. If you don't say or do anything you can't screw anything up.

 

Let him wonder....And start to get a new life of your own. Do what you want...when you want...how you want it. You deserve better. R-E-S-P-E-C-T

[vodkacruiser23]

DON'T. When in doubt don't do or say anything. You owe him nothing. If you don't say or do anything you can't screw anything up. Let him wonder....And start to get a new life of your own. Do what you want...when you want...how you want it. You deserve better. R-E-S-P-E-C-T

I have been starting a new life of my own, just plodding along. I was going to get a flatmate, but I've decided I'll give living alone a crack, to try and regain my independence that I lost in our relationship. As for the text advice, bit late now, I replied well before seeing that. I thought about not replying, but I don't want to push him away. He knows I want a reconciliation (only if he sorts his issues out) so in future, I'll ignore his texts unless he actually states he wants to try again.

 

Texts went like this:

 

Me: Hi. I'm doing good, but I respected your decision to leave, and I'm giving you the space you wanted to sort yourself out, hence the NC. Hope you're doing well.

Him: It's good to hear that you're doing good ___. Do you want me to not text you again for a bit?

Me: I'd rather you didn't, unless you were serious about making things work.

Him: Well, ok. I'll talk to you later then ___. Just one thing, am I still paying all the rent this week or will you cover part?

Me: You can drop it back by half and I'll cover the rest.

Him: Are you sure you don't want me to pay 3/4 of it, so you have a bit extra to spend on stuff?

Me: I don't want you to think I'm using you.

Him: I won't think that ___. Do you want to do it your way or my way?

Me: Do it your way for a bit, we'll see how it goes. Just keep leaving it under the pot plant for me to collect. Well I guess that's everything. Enjoy your long weekend.

Him: You too ___. I'll talk to ya later (smiley face)

 

I just can't understand why he's covering most of my expenses. I'm not sitting around waiting for him, being his back-up plan. I've already started speaking to other guys and all. I'm not looking to date yet, just friends. My opinion is, if he decides he wants to try again and I've moved on, tough sh*t.

[stickman]

I just can't understand why he's covering most of my expenses.

 

One word: GUILT.

 

"Time to pick of your fifth and go forth" my dad used to say. Show him and yourself that you have a life. You were given a gift for whatever reason. Time for change. Get a flatmate for now perhaps. In life...we must all learn to adapt and change. Remember: It's not the strongest or smartest animals that survive...it's the ones that learn to adapt to change!