Further words of encouragement when NC feels like it's failing...

[johnny_five]

As said many times before, it's not going to be easy doing NC.

 

But I'm struggling bad...

 

I was dumped by a 4 month relationship over a week ago. She basically said she had a lot to deal with in life-- and I offered working things out together. Then she begin to point out my flaws that were turning her off. Said I took her for granted, didn't talk to her the way she wanted me to, and she questioned everything I did and forgot about all the nice things I'd do for her. I was very affectionate towards her, I cared for her greatly and when I take those little moments off to enjoy my own time she would freak out and wonder why the time we had together was me spent doing other things without her. She called me selfish, which I was far from. Sure I spent a few minutes here and there in our relationship to myself but I felt it was normal. But it appears at that moment she "noted" it in her mind and I didn't realize had so much effect. I was more than willing to work on them but she only gave me a warning and not too long after, I was dumped.

 

So I walked away hurt but I later let her know through a text that I was respected her choice and was available if she needed to talk. I went NC... for about a week. Here's why I only lasted a week...

 

In our relationship, much like any other, she constantly tested me. Why did you do this, why did you do that? Who is she? Why did you say that? I was a fool believing my words alone were good enough for her because my actions really weren't malicious, stupid stupid me. Again, without much of a chance I was already doomed.

 

This lead me to question what she really wanted; was it the time off or did she want me to try harder to show her I really cared and did love her. I gave her her space but I started to doubt it; what if she really wanted me to make a good solid attempt to show her I cared? This is when I broke NC and made contact. I said a hello and asked her how she was doing. She responded in kind and stated she was still pretty busy with life, how was I doing. Then she asked me what I wanted... now I don't know what to say.

 

I've been reading so much I've gotten myself very confused and indecisive. I would appreciate any ideas right about now.

[FriendnorFoe]

dont mean to be pessemistic here but perhaps you 2 just are not compatible and she was trying to let you know without directly saying it. 4 months isnt a very long relationship for her to be constantly pointing out your flaws, usually when 2 people are head over heals in love and find a good connection in one another, this type of behavoir dosent occur until after the first year. If she dosent think it will work out after 4 months perhaps you should respect that, regardless no contact will help you either way. this is my opinion and please dont take offense to this, other people could have a completely diffrent take on what is going on with your situation.

[Rob1000]

You need to stick with NC. If she texts you again, you either ignore her or just laugh off her attempts to get your attention. Saying something like 'you always were a drama queen' or 'you're so funny when you get upset'! Totally disarm her. Respect yourself. Do not take any sh!t from her. She broke up with you. Sounds to me like you didn't do too much wrong either. So go strict NC if possible. If she really wants you back, she'll find a way of letting you know. Plus, as she broke up with you, it's up to her to show YOU she cares. Not the other way around.

[johnny_five]

Thanks for your response Friend,

 

I take no offense at all, I'm pretty immature in relationships and this is something I'll learn from. I definitely appreciate hearing the truth. (Scary thing is... I become too gullible and vulnerable in this state and EVERYTHING becomes a truth that confuses me so much.)

 

In terms of our compatibility: She showed me a lot of affection and care as well. It really felt like love. Then there would be times where she would lapse into moments of paranoia and insecurity. She would ask me things like (completely made up) "Who used this spoon? I didn't see you use it and I didn't use it. Who was it?!?!" And she would ask me this with suspicious that I had someone else over at the house. I would reassure her, then she would apologize for her insecurities; that she didn't quite believe it either but her mind was off. We spent every moment free together, holding hands firmly, hugging, kissing, loving.

 

I laughed at her jokes, she laughed at mine. Our conversations connected well, we could communicate with each for the most part. I gave her lots of attention and she gave me back. Every thing the other person did; the other person would notice and was a kind topic of conversation. Then when it got bad for her, those little things became negative things that I didn't understand.

 

Now I hope I didn't sound like I was coming up with a counter-point to argue, it was more-so trying to clarify the situation. I'm more than willing to accept that in fact, this wasn't compatible because I am relatively new to relationships. My previous ones I knew weren't right. This one felt so different.

[johnny_five]

Thanks Rob, I just made the mistake of replying to her not too long ago. >.

[FriendnorFoe]

This is similar to why my relationship failed in ways. Even though it seems like showing alotta attention and speding tons of time will make the realationship stronger it will only make it routine and too familiar inless you are always going out trying new exciting things. too much of a good thing is not a good thing, I thought that by going out of my way to make my woman happy and spend time with her would show her how much I loved and cared for her, well this only pushed her away further, women want a man who will put his needs before hers and do his own thing, not spending every waking moment with her, no matter what she says this is true, I dont know if this contributed to your situation, but I can say with certainty from experience that women will lose attraction to you if you display a lack of self-cofindence and unfortunately spending too much time and giving too much attention is a form of this, you ever wonder why girls like the bad boys and jerks, its because of their attitude towards themselves, they are attracted to their confidence in themselves even if they are so full of themselves they treat others like crap, they will go back to these guys cause they cnat help feel attracted to them, you need to balance out attractive and repectful qualities to maintain a lasting relationship, I was always loving and there for my ex-, unfortunatley I let my attractive traits die out and didnt realize how I did until it was over.

[johnny_five]

If I had to break it down; I'd say most of my week is spent working. Most of the weekdays were spent to myself and weekends was spent entirely with her.

 

Sometimes I would be off doing my own thing when she was hanging out with me but she would question those times with disappointment; called me selfish.

[FriendnorFoe]

well stick to your own sh*t, I used to drop plans with my friends to hang out with her, this was a big no-no

[johnny_five]

Update: She crept a message back into my life.

 

She emailed/texted me after a week of NC and told me she was thinking about me and wanted to know how I was doing. I ignored her text but later checked and replied to the email.

 

I just said I was doing great, hope everything was going well for her.

 

-- that was that... but what was that?

 

What's she trying to do/say? I thought she had someone on the side but I fell to the urges and peaked at her facebook. apparently she still has her status on "in a relationship" but she's complaining about how alone she is in life and has no one and even some of her friends are upset with her attitude. She said she had to escape for a while to try something new but doesn't know what she's doing.

 

While I'll try to continue maintaining NC, I don't want to cold turkey her into thinking the doors are shut closed because she's a shy person. I could easily see her being too scared to come forward and try something if she feels she has offended me in some way or if I give off the vibe that I'm done with her.

 

So what do I do when she tries to contact me? How do I know if she's trying to get attention versus trying to give me a positive hint? How do I know what to ignore and what to reply to? How do I protect my interest and keep the door open?