Things about me that may turn off women

[BusyNAbroad]

I wanted to list a few characteristics of myself and ask you whether these may possibly turn off a majority of women during any point of the whole relationship-building process: attraction, flirting, getting to know each other and/or even during the relationship itself, and may prevent me from getting into a relationship with a woman whom I like.

 

As you may have read from other posts, I am generally a very optimistic person, both about myself and about other people as well. I believe in the impossible, and that dreams can come true (I myself try to contribute to making the dreams of other people come true).

 

However, I'd like to hear the opinion of down-to-earth realists and, why not, also some cynics!

 

1) I am disabled.

Although it is not visible, I have a problem in my spine that is getting worse over time. The major practical implication of this is that I cannt do anything that requires even a little bit of strength. I cannot carry anything but paper and exercise books when going to school. When traveling, I have a drag-along and often ask others to help me. I am very health+fitness-conscious but don't practice any sports due to this problem.

Due to the continuous chronic pain I have, I often need to change posture or rest, and sometimes go into "standby mode" even during social events and parties.

I have noticed several times that when girls who are potentially attracted to me ask me about my physical activities and I openly introduce the topic of my disability (I even do so in a very confident and self-humorous manner, not self-pitying), their interest somewhat decreases, and the "shiny-eyes-effect" and other body language cues slowly disappear.

The girl whom I had a long-distance quasi-relationship with last year: although I had told her that I had injured myself, I didn't tell her that it permanently disabled me (and all other details) until the day she visited me for the first time after 4 years. There were probably plenty of other reasons for the malfunctioning of that relationship, but the day after I told her, she "dumped" me.

 

2) I don't drive a car nor have a driving license.

Even if I wanted to, it would be hard due to my spine problems (cannot keep hands in that posture continuously). But I had decided not to learn how to drive due to other personal reasons, including the fact that I'm a bit of an environmentalist

 

3) I have more than one nationality.

I grew up among a multitude of cultures, in different countries, and I don't "identify" with any single one but the sum of them. I know that most women like men with a strong affinity and pride to their "motherland" and culture.

Also, when certain girls asked with a surprised tone "How many languages do you speak?" and I answer "Well, about seven..." they kind of look at me as if I'm some unreachable mega-genius who is on the top of the world and is not normal.

 

4) I have a myriad of interests and activities that conflict according to the existing stereotypes.

For example, I like high fashion and heavy metal music. Usually, heavy metal fans dress totally unfashionable, and fashionable people listen to pop/commercial music. This is just one of 100s of such examples. Actually, 1000s.

What I believe is that this may make people unable to fit me into their categorization of the world and thus easily think I am strange.

 

5) Mixed cultural values.

This one is again related to point 3). The fact that I grew up with different cultures makes me have different habits. I didn't notice this initially, but for example I tend to behave very "Orientally" when it comes to groups and society, e.g. I "respect the guest".

When someone asks me what I want to eat, I first wait and see what they want to eat and then follow suit, also because I'm interested in knowing them. Apparently, this is not seen as very strong-minded in Western culture. The same girl I spoke about in point 1) told me don't even know what to eat!" as a reason for dumping me. I don't perceive myself as a people-pleaser, but I always take into account what the group and other people want when making my own choice.

 

What do you think?

 

And if you think that these points do make me unfit/unattractive to women, how would you suggest me to find a compromise in the way I communicate these traits or "improve" myself.

e.g. do you think it is absolutely vital that I get a car and a driving license, or I will never find someone who loves me?

[Honey Pumpkin]

Hi there!

 

 

 

The hottest guy I ever met on a dating site had a disability - he had walking sticks after a terrible car accident. We were incompatible, but he was sex on legs. Even now, I wonder if we could have made it work! Anyway, no, that wasn't at all an issue. He had a voice and patter that really really turned me on. Sorry, TMI? Lol. We had very different needs. But he was unbelievably sexy. So no - this is NOT an issue. If it is to some women, then you're better off without them.

 

 

 

This DOES depend where you live. I live in a city with fabulous public transport, and I am dating a guy without a car. I am not a fan of people who insist on driving, so again, this is not an issue. But it depends where you live - in some parts of the US, I think it's very hard to get by wihtut a car (I'm in the UK).

 

 

 

Couldn't give a monkey's about this one, lol. I have never ever wanted a nationalist, so couldn't comment. Languages are good. Multi-talented.

 

 

 

 

Erm, again, I think that's a plus point, or rather, just you being an individual. Neither good nor bad, if you see what I mean.

 

What do you think?

 

I think this seems nice, but I can see that it might seem a bit woolly to some. I wouldn't want a guy copying what I had all the time - sometimes it's good to know your own mind. I agree that it might be a tad irritating.

 

 

You seem just fine to me! Nice guy

[Crazyaboutdogs]

See comments in red.

[WorkingInLin]

None of these things will matter to the right woman. If you connect in every other way, she will overlook them.

[Rosee]

Regarding the disability, I recently saw a story in a magazine about a young guy who was paralysed in a rugby game and he is now in a wheelchair and has little to no feeling from the shoulders down. After he had the accident he met a (young and very attractive) woman and they are now married..so he is in a far more limited physical situation than you and someone wanted him.

 

I think the other things you mentioned make you unique and intersting.

 

There will be women out there who will appreciate your qualities, it's a matter of meeting them.

[BusyNAbroad]

So no - this is NOT an issue. If it is to some women, then you're better off without them.

None of these things will matter to the right woman. If you connect in every other way, she will overlook them.

 

Am I mistaken or do these "right women" put up with every possible S* in this world?

 

From the way you write, it almost seems as if I could have all defects and they will still find me and love me forever! ...which sounds a bit idealistic to be honest.

 

I'm sorry to have to point this out again, but my question was about "a majority of women". My assumption is that even if there are a few exceptions out there (such as those you mentioned, especially the cases of disabled people), most standards women create will be scattered around a set of general preferences. Don't most women have a biological tendency to prefer healthy guys (not muscly, I mean healthy such as in without problems)?!

 

Not being ungrateful, but I'm not seeking consolation for my negative circumstances. I already have a lot of optimism. However, I am a practical optimist. I don't live in a fairy tale.

 

I was asking for advice on how to make things work practically despite my problems.

 

THIS...

If your disability is not obvious then I would suggest not mentioning it until you know the person better. There are plenty of non-visibly disabled people who find a partner...even disabled people find a partner. Not everyone wants a guy who lifts weights and runs marathons.

-

This one can be tough..certainly plenty of men who don't drive find women. Given that you can't drive a car due to your disability, can you actually walk far? What about 10 years down the road..will you be wheel-chair bound? This, understandably, will have an impact on a relationship... and whether or not a woman is willing to get into a relationship with someone who they know right of the bat, is going to become physically dependent.

...this is for example what I meant with being realistic.

[BusyNAbroad]

I think this seems nice, but I can see that it might seem a bit woolly to some. I wouldn't want a guy copying what I had all the time - sometimes it's good to know your own mind. I agree that it might be a tad irritating.

 

I was starting to work on this, but the main point is I realized that the habit was culturally influenced, and not part of my true personality. What I was trying to say is that due to certain cultural habits I might send out mixed signals about my character.

For example, in this case (group values, social harmony), I might be easily perceived by the majority of people/women as a "people-pleaser".

 

You seem just fine to me! Nice guy

 

Perhaps too nice and... spineless?

[BusyNAbroad]

If your disability is not obvious then I would suggest not mentioning it until you know the person better.

 

I tried to do so, but over time I thought that this would somehow be a bit dishonest and might not explain some of my strange behaviors.

 

For example, when people tell me to take a seat, depending on the level of pain and posture I need to maintain at that time, I could refuse and prefer to stand (really!).

I think it is important to explain why.

 

Then I am often invited to go dancing and clubbing, and since some of my own work is related to nightclubs, I am often literally dragged to the dancefloor if I don't tell them about my problem.

 

Also, all girls I have met ask me about physical activities, so I do think it is important to tell them why I don't do any.

 

Given that you can't drive a car due to your disability, can you actually walk far? What about 10 years down the road..will you be wheel-chair bound? This, understandably, will have an impact on a relationship... and whether or not a woman is willing to get into a relationship with someone who they know right of the bat, is going to become physically dependent.

 

Oh yes, I walk a lot! I keep myself fit and healthy thanks to walking. I often wake up earlier in the morning so I don't have to take the bus and can walk to school/university. I walk many kilometers a day!

 

So... how can I make up for this problem?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

When women ask you what physical activities you do, tell them you are into walking and walk a lot. Don't mention your disability until you actually get to know her. It is not like you don't do any physical activity. Walking is physical activity. There is more to physical activity than going to the gym and lifting weights.