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How did you introduce NC to your walkaway partner?


journeynow
How Do I Stop The Resentment? Let M...
How Do I Stop The Resentment? Let Me Help!

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Hello all,

 

I'm new here, and wish I'd found this place 4, 6, 12, 24 months ago. Thanks for being here. I am making my way through many of the posts, but there are SO many, I'm not sure which ones might answer my question.

 

My question is, how do you start NC in NON-angry way? What did you say that worked?

 

My husband of 29 years gradually left (more and more time away for long distance work), has been out for 4 months, but calls 2 x per day, and meets me occasionally for dinner or a hike. We still share financial responsibility for our small unfinished home, so I think some contact to deal with that will be needed. He won't say anything definite about anything, other than there is not one else, he will always be a part of my life, will help me finish the house, will give me everything if we divorce. My own confusion has gone on long enough, and I think I need NC, or ground rules for LC, but I even more confused when I try to imagine how I will bring it up. He is away and out of touch (wilderness trip) for a few days, so have time to ponder this. Any suggestions?

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Very simply tell him that with this divorce you feel that you would be better off not talking to him at all for the frist few months to a year because you feel that it is the best thing for you and will help you heal and move on with your life. There is nothing wrong with just bringing it up without pulling any tricks as anyone with a brain and half a heart would understand your request. Since LC might have to be an option for you have a talk with him and establish some ground rules for your communication. Tell him that you are sorry if he feels hurt by this but you are now doing whats best for you and he should do the same. Tell him to respect your wishes and ask him what you can do for him to make things easier, keep it on a friendly note. Bottom line there is not trick or special way to bring it up, just say it like it is and be polite and open with your feelings about it.

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I just started it and cut off contact with my ex completely, with no explanation. That way, she couldn't guilt me into keeping contact like she had before.

 

That won't quite work in that case since you see your husband more frequently than I did my ex, so just tell him that you feel that until he knows what it is that he wants, it is best that you two not communicate and have minimal contact outside of handling business matters, such as the house.

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I just started it and cut off contact with my ex completely, with no explanation. That way, she couldn't guilt me into keeping contact like she had before.

 

That won't quite work in that case since you see your husband more frequently than I did my ex, so just tell him that you feel that until he knows what it is that he wants, it is best that you two not communicate and have minimal contact outside of handling business matters, such as the house.

 

I did the same....leaves her wondering why and hopefully make her think and miss me.

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simply really you have no right to be expected to live your future life in a state of confusion about your future > make some firm decsions about what you NEED then calmy express them to him. Surely you can do this. he cannot expect you to live in limbo...and you want more for yourself than that. Communicate how you feel its decision time

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journeynow,

 

is there any hope of reconciliation.. counseling?

 

if not and its too hard to see him, you could always arrange to have someone you trust be your go between for communication purposes once you stand up and speak to him about what YOU need. its a thought, and one i have been considering. ..

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Since you still have the house situation, I would stop all contact other than business. It would be best if that were done in writing. I know it sounds harsh... but if they broke it off...so you don't owe them calls, you don't write, you don't text, you don't hike...and YOU DON'T SEE THEM FOR DINNER. You owe them nothing.

 

Really...until you are gone, they will never miss you and or you can't have the time to figure out what you truly want. (Maybe you need to get over them and get on wth your life.)

 

Unless you have children, why does he need to be part of your life?

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Thank you for all your advice. Calmly, that's what I'm aiming for. Emotionally, I've hung onto the hope of reuniting, because he still feels like my husband/lover/best friend/partner despite appearances. Yet, logically I can see he hasn't been that, and he says he can't anymore. I hang onto hope (why?! I don't know) but it seems futile. He refuses counseling and he doesn't have any answers about what went wrong, and no suggestions about what we could do to work it out, and rejects my compromises. I have brought up NC a few times already, then I broke it to pass on a phone message from a client, or something like that, and it's been so easy to slip into the easy (but meaningless) chat. It is so hard to let go of the idea that we will be together forever.

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I am NO SAINT. I say the things I do because I have been on both sides. I have been there in his shoes. Refused counseling, and was long past suggestions because by then it was too late. Emotionally I had already moved away....However, no relationship and break up are the same.

 

The only way people ever seem to get back together is if you have two quality people that still love each other...they are given enough time....and they WANT to work on themselves and the issues that need resolved. In your case, if he no longer loves you, or is no longer attracted to you or is totally unwilling to work on anything, it would be futile to hang on or hope. Your heart deserves better.

 

But what I have learned is that we all want what we can't have. Some have higher expectations than others. BUT...we also want/value things that are rare and hard to achieve or find. I say this because if you take yourself totally out of the picture, work on getting your own life and identity without him, that is the only way he would feel what he may have lost. For now, he has eveything HE wants. WHY? Because you allow him too.

 

Focus and write down the things that YOU must have in a relationship. No matter how small. You can not compromise on those. If he can't fulfill those must have's, then you are best to move away in a different direction. (Remember, the same thing goes with him.)

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Thanks stickman. I wrote that list you suggest right after we first split and it helped me clear my head. (Actually, we didn't even call it a "split" or "separation" . We couldn't even give it a name.) I would then think maybe I was giving up too easily, remembering the love we've had, all the years together, we've been through so much, we were going to grow old together, and his confusion on top of it all, my confusion would build. I'd think, midlife crisis, he's handling it poorly but we're bigger than this....I have to pull my list out again, or rewrite it. You are right, he has everything he wants, and I don't. Writing it down, and remembering what isn't working (forget all the good times and the loving feelings) really helps me to feel more grounded, and angry instead of sad. Also, reading through this site I realize my story is not unique at all. This is life.

 

"Emotionally I had already moved away....However, no relationship and break up are the same."

 

Thanks!

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After she told me she wanted to be friends , I went home and analized the situation , the next day she called me about midnight ,She assumed we were going to be friends , so I let her carry on for about 5 minutes after that

 

 

I told her that I took ownership of what I did in the relationship and that I agreed with the break up and that I did not wanted to be friends , I also told her not to worry about me that I was going to be ok and I was ready to move on so I shut all the posible scenarios on her .

 

 

This my 3rd day after that and I feel good

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After she told me she wanted to be friends , I went home and analized the situation , the next day she called me about midnight ,She assumed we were going to be friends , so I let her carry on for about 5 minutes after that

 

 

I told her that I took ownership of what I did in the relationship and that I agreed with the break up and that I did not wanted to be friends , I also told her not to worry about me that I was going to be ok and I was ready to move on so I shut all the posible scenarios on her .

 

 

This my 3rd day after that and I feel good

 

That is strong. Good for you!

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I told my ex I hated her for what she has done to me and needed time to heal, mentioned a month. I think Ill just stay the course now.

 

Initially was afraid I had done damage in using hate in a final call, but I was in control of my emotions, no crying, and if she currently thinks I hate her, that's not a bad thing. She has me unblocked on msn and sent a friend request for facebook after deleting me, so I think it did no harm.

 

I did clean it up a little with a few texts straight after the call, but made sure she sent the final text. Im not stubborn, not one bit. Not at all.

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Well I didn't. I only messaged her 2 weeks after iniating NC. Explained it was to give us both space. The rest of the conversation was OK as long as I steared clear of sensitive stuff. So balls in her court.

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Stickman

 

Ty for you comment , I really think that is like a switch was turned on because the time that we were separated before she came back to my city I was living in hell , even do I try the NC and because of the situation and what was keeping us together like the buss ect we ended up talking

 

Now when she told me that we needed to talk the day before and she asked me to go to lunch later she called me again and told me bring the lunch here and coke cigarettes and stuff we need to talk . I was thinking she wanted to come back home I was happy about that but... Then she told me she was not coming home even do she did not want me to think she did not love me or missed me and that our life was better than the one she is having now , she said we hurt eachother because for the last month we were arguing a lot due to her not doing her work or anything but going out and what not , so she said I want us to be friends because you are very important to me lol If I need advice or help you can be there for me , right!

 

And since she is used to get what she wants from me I say I guess we are in the same situation as before I say my good byes and she asked me if I was mad I told her why would I be mad .

 

 

I was driving home and she was calling again I dont even know what she said on that call my head was spining I felt horrible , I called a friend she told me take it easy I started reading and thinking walking in the house and then she called again telling me about been friends and keeping us together as friends to try to solve what we lost and such ..

 

 

 

So basicaly I had that night to think a lot I decided to go NC she called again the next night I picked up thinking it was my family it was midnight she tells me all that happened to her during the day and I just got a moment when everything went clear to me , I asked myself Why do I allow this to happen to me ? Why would I let someone treat me this way ? Iam going to be her blanket or door matt?

 

That is why I told her that I accepted the break up and closed all loop holes Its my 5th day today and I do not know that I would change how I feel but thinking back and the way I feel right now .

 

 

I do not want to be back with her , I love her yes but ... I feel good on my own , I do not want to be used or abused I want someone with me that would put efford in the relationship and gives me as much as it takes from me

 

 

At the end I realized that the more I try to pleased her and baby her and support her in every posible way I faded away to the background instead of being part of the picture. I hated the way I felt those weeks waiting on her decision like the gran dame would grant me a favour please . I treated her like a queen good luck finding another sucker lol

 

 

You have no idea how much money im saving just by being single that is a big bonus lol

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