sasha1982 Posted April 4, 2009 Share Posted April 4, 2009 Uhhh to make things even worse my ex-fiance has a new girlfriend after 3 months of me leaving him... Just adds insult to injury... I know our relationship wasn`t working, we fought too much, I became very depressed and unhappy.. Ended badly, he got physically abusive... We didn`t speak for awhile, but he sends me text messages on occasion.. The last one he sent was about a week ago asking if I knew where his rollerblades might be at his place (I moved out)... And now apparently he is advertising on facebook that `he found the most perfect girl.. i`m sooo happy`... It is just very difficult for me.. I loved him and wanted him to learn how to treat me with more respect as I watched our relationship go down the tubes.. I tried everything to make that relationship work.. to the point it made me physically ill.. lost 15 pounds, went on meds, etc. And to no avail... He tried to get me back after the first month apart.. saying he was with some girl and `she just wasn`t me...` But now at month 3 he seems to have found someone.. I do want him to be happy... but I am taking time away from relationships to process everything that happened and get emotionally healthy before I try and find love again.. And here he is just moving on like nothing mattered... I guess I should be `thankful` I never married him, if he can just replace me like nothing. Just sucks, I left him and everything (our dog, we lived in his house) and now this new girl is probably there in my spot and it doesn`t even phase him. UGHHH... sucks so badly.. Only that he seems to have moved on while I pick up all the pieces... Link to comment
Blue Streak Posted April 4, 2009 Share Posted April 4, 2009 Clearly, there is a part of you that still wants to be with him. Why? Be honest with us, if you want a truly helpful response. Link to comment
qqqq Posted April 4, 2009 Share Posted April 4, 2009 i would block his page on facebook so you dont see updates from him. Knowing that stuff will distract you and make it seem worse. You dont need that stuff shoved in your face.... Link to comment
mgirl Posted April 4, 2009 Share Posted April 4, 2009 I thought today, if the relationship suits only one person, or only one person is 'happy' in it, then it just isn't right. It occurred to me today that whatever feelings must be mutual. There is no right or wrong person in most relationships (except where physical abuse is taking place), it is just a matter of finding that person who mutually returns your feelings. Link to comment
sasha1982 Posted April 4, 2009 Author Share Posted April 4, 2009 I don`t want to be with him.. he will never change I saw that after everything we went through in over 2 years... Do I love him.. ofcourse.. and no matter how much I may love him, I know he is not good for me.. but that doesn`t make the pain any less to deal with. Link to comment
mgirl Posted April 4, 2009 Share Posted April 4, 2009 It's a pain to be in pain! Excuse the pun. I'm sure it will get easier with time. Just try to focus on what you DO want in your life, not on what has already happened. Like The Secret, when they say to put the intention out there. Link to comment
sasha1982 Posted April 4, 2009 Author Share Posted April 4, 2009 I agree.. I was doing really really well for the first 6-8 weeks.. I was laughing, smiling again, going on dates just for fun and everything felt great. I had a lot of anger in me, so it helped me get through the first 2 months whenever I thought of a good memory, I could instantly remember like 10 bad times... I still can... But I don`t have AS much anger stored up anymore. Doesn`t mean I forgive him for everything and would run back to him, I wouldn`t... But it was easier moving on not missing him or the relationship. Because I am doing things the hard way (but healthy way I think), I have NO ONE right now.. I have lots of people I can spend time with, my best friend and I are attached at the hip, I have lots of offers to go on dates, or hang with guy friends... But I mean I am not romantically involved with anyone, my heart is just not in it... And I guess now at 3 months it started to creep up on me.. That lonely feeling I guess... where you miss the waking up together, cuddling, etc. I know that is normal, I guess maybe it`s just bad timing knowing he is happy now and I am hitting this rough phase. I don`t really expect anything to happen, I guess I just needed to vent and learn how to cope with this part of the process. My only wish ever since leaving him was that he could at least say sorry, or admit his wrong-doings, or at least accept responsibility for a part of the relationship failing... But no.. Nothing. I bet he hates me inside because I left him.. It`s my fault.. Not that OH she told me for months she deserved better, so I can`t blame her for going out to find it. It just stings more knowing this is all mine to deal with... Link to comment
mgirl Posted April 4, 2009 Share Posted April 4, 2009 Because I am doing things the hard way (but healthy way I think), I have NO ONE right now.. I think you're doing it the right way. This way you can heal, and grow and learn (i know, how trite. But, you will see a lesson in it somewhere along the line). I guess now at 3 months it started to creep up on me.. That lonely feeling I guess... where you miss the waking up together, cuddling, etc. I hate that hideous feeling of being alone, but we all have to face it. Sometimes it is okay, sometimes it feels aweful. Think of it this way, at least you have the whole bed to yourself again . I know that is normal, I guess maybe it`s just bad timing knowing he is happy now and I am hitting this rough phase. Well, you don't know that he is happy. He's saying he is, it doesn't mean a thing. That is not to say you should wish unhappiness on him. You don't know how he is feeling. Unfortunately, we each have to deal with our own things in turn Link to comment
Blue Streak Posted April 4, 2009 Share Posted April 4, 2009 I bet he hates me inside because I left him.. It`s my fault.. Not that OH she told me for months she deserved better, so I can`t blame her for going out to find it. It just stings more knowing this is all mine to deal with... You are dealing with your negative self perceptions. You are using him as a crutch aka an excuse, for your your feelings and troubles. The feelings are all you for you at this point. You need to let him completely out of your life. You have much great potential when you focus on yourself. Link to comment
Xuul Posted April 4, 2009 Share Posted April 4, 2009 You don't want him back, and it would appear he doesn't want you back. If he's moved on, he's obviously not interested in changing. Either eventually, he'll figure it out after he makes the same mistakes with someone else (likely many others), or he'll live in denial his whole life and end up in jail or in a horrible, shallow and abusive relationship (likely both giving and receiving). I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but not everyone you'll meet or trust or love is going to turn out to be a decent person, or a mentally stable person. Decent people do apologize, and do try to make things right if they've wronged you. Mentally unstable people really may not know they are doing anything wrong, and may even be incapable of admitting that they caused you or anyone else pain. You may be very right about his thoughts. In order for him to move on, he probably has had to do a lot of lying to himself. Trust me, I know.... I've been on both ends of this kind of breakup. First I was the abuser, and luckily the pain of the loss I suffered caused me to get help and change myself. The thing is...I have a conscience, and some people either seem to not have one, or they have a very deceptive one and lie to everyone, including to themselves. I was fortunate enough to have the person I treated so horribly forgive me. We will never be together again, and I have accepted that. Under the circumstances, I'm just so happy that we are friends again. When she forgave me it was like the biggest weight off my shoulders that I've ever felt. Later on, I ended up being on the receiving end of the abuse. This person doesn't seem to feel any of the weight at all. They seem to believe that the weight doesn't exist. In fact, she's lied to herself to the point that she really truly believes that I was abusing her...she also was able to justify cheating on me and spending the next two months trying to ruin my life. She failed at that and even still, she's incredibly guiltless about anything she did to me, and it doesn't even occur to her that I might be hurt by the many things she did to manipulate and control me. My point is that yes, some people can change. This guy is not one of those people. At this point if you're still doing things like looking at his Facebook or Myspace account, you're only hurting yourself. I'm sincerely sorry, and I know you're hurting but you will not be getting the kind of closure or resolution to this that you would like. Not right now. It's always possible that someday in the future he may wake up and see himself for what he really is, and at that point, he may very well apologize to you for anything he did to hurt you. Just remember the old saying, "A Watched Pot Never Boils". You can only change yourself, and there's nothing you can say or do to make him be a better person. Focus on yourself. I know it's such a cliche, but it really does help. Do things to boost your self-image. Find out why you were attracted to a person like this. You do not need this person to validate your feelings of being hurt....wrong is wrong, whether he acknowledges it or flat out denies it. You can heal yourself, it will just take more work without his bandage of approval. I would suggest joining a site like OKCupid or another dating site and just throwing yourself out there. Meet some new people. Don't jump head first into any murky waters right now; give your head some time to heal up from the last botched dive. Dating is harmless though; it will help you see that yes, you can attract other people, and yes, you can find someone else. Have fun, and do some new things that don't remind you of the two of you if it hurts too much. Once it starts to hurt a little less, you can take ownership of the things you did together and make them YOURS. That's my two cents. Hope it helps. Link to comment
sasha1982 Posted April 4, 2009 Author Share Posted April 4, 2009 Thanks guys.. I know waiting around for an apology or a lightbulb to go off in his head would be like waiting for hell to freeze over... Even after our final fight where he shoved me down, I had told him many times before that physical violence was my deal breaker and I would leave.. So he did, and I left. He didn`t even seem that remorseful or apologize.. all he kept saying was `it was just a reaction` and that `if you didn`t get so angry and hit the light switch, I wouldn`t have shoved you`... It made things alot easier to leave him... If he was pouring on the charm I might have come back (although I hope not). He tried for about a month and half to get me back after that, but I was so angry all I could do was cry or swear at him and tell him I could never forgive him... So really nothing else could have been done.. He just kept saying we could go to counseling or we had the love to make it work.. But after trying for over 2 years, I didn`t have anything left in me to try. I should have known when he moved VERY fast with me... and the girl before me. He dated a girl for about 6 months before me... they fought alot from what I hear.. She moved into his place within a month or two, then they broke up for a week, got back together, she moved back in and they did this for a few months and finally they ended it after only 6 months together. I know that HE ended that relationship though... He asked her to move out once she bought her house (she was a real estate agent)... And when he and I started dating she was sending him messages saying she wanted him to take care of her, she missed him, etc. I met him about a month or two later, and we hit it off really well and he asked me to move in within the first 2 months! I moved in and we were engaged at 5 months in, then I saw his temper and all these red flags so I wanted a longer engagement. Things were up & down for awhile.. Broke up with him at the 2 year mark, that didn`t last... And we finally broke up with this final blowout a few months later. Now it`s been 3 months and he has a new girlfriend... Some friend`s have told me they are taking road trips, she`s always at his place, etc. So I`d imagine she will move in soon too.. UGH this guy does not take his time... That is probably a huge red flag is it not... He is 33, turning 34 this year and even with me he just wanted to get married and have kids... He wanted me to have a baby with him and I was like noooooo way not until we can get along and resolve conflicts in a healthier way.. this is no environment for a baby. Link to comment
viajera Posted April 4, 2009 Share Posted April 4, 2009 Don't worry, it won't last. Abusers are GREAT at first impressions. They come on strong, sweep you off your feet, make you feel like you've found the most perfect person in the world. Then comes reality. You've already experienced the reality with him. Believe me, he may be giving the impression of being happy and having moved on and replaced you - but he hasn't. He will probably never be happy, because he can never fully love and respect a woman. I'm speaking from experience. I spent 6 years with a very manipulative abuser. Within days he said he loved me, within 2 weeks he said he wanted to get married. I was swept off my feet. Everything went downhill from there. Every time we'd split up, he'd immediately (within a few days) charm some other woman into taking him in and letting him live with her, convincing her she was the love of his life. He would change, suddenly becoming the person I always wanted him to be, the person he was in our beginning. It was unbelievably difficult to see the "him" that I wanted with someone else, and several times I couldn't deal with it. As soon as I'd hint that I'd consider taking him back, he'd come running back. Since we split up for good (almost 3 years ago now), he's been engaged several times that I know of, and has continued this pattern of rushing in and out of relationships. But he's never found happiness or a stable relationship, and I doubt he ever will. He can not and will not ever change. Abusers don't change. Link to comment
sasha1982 Posted April 4, 2009 Author Share Posted April 4, 2009 Those are very good points, and definitely ALOT of similarities with your ex and my ex-fiance. He is 34 and has never had a stable healthy relationship. His first relationship of 4 years was on & off the whole time, she was cheating, he would date women right away after breakups, they ended up having a baby (his family isn`t even sure it was his) but they gave it up for adoption. He proposed to her to `settle` her down he says.. Then he was single for about 4-5 years dating semi-seriously but not moving in with any girls... Had no significant healthy relationships in that time either.. Then he met the ex before me, that lasted 6 months.. She moved in and they broke up within a month and he slept with one of his exes (he told me) and they got back together... Shortly after they parted ways. He then met me, we got engaged... At the year mark I tried to leave him (his anger and control issues) and he went the same night up to an exes place.. He swears nothing happened (I`m not dumb)... So this goes on for another year.. He wanted me to have a baby and was growing restless that I wasn`t planning a wedding.. He probably would have stayed with me forever.. He never once wanted to break up.. But he also knows I was a great girlfriend while in the relationship.. Despite his obessive monitoring my whereabouts, checking my phone records, following me places, he never ONCE caught me doing anything wrong. Over time he made me go insane that I thought about finding another guy to leave him, but I knew that wasn`t the proper way to leave a relationship. Needless to say, he definitely has a pattern going in his relationships.. I even said to him one day when he asked me if I was happy and I replied that I was because I had no stress and all good supportive people in my life.. He snapped back that he was happier not being with me also... I calmly said to him that maybe at 34 years of age and NEVER being happy in a relationship it may be time to ask himself some questions as to why that is... Ofcourse he had NO comment for that one. Just sucks, that when you love a person like this you could have offerred them everything they ever dreamt of... But I guess deep down they don`t think they are deserving of that kind of relationship and don`t know what a healthy relationship is... Link to comment
sasha1982 Posted April 4, 2009 Author Share Posted April 4, 2009 You`re also dead on when you say they are GREAT at first impressions... He was a dream guy.. I was completely in awe at how amazing he was.... Even disagreements I would have flowers at work the next day, love letters, etc. But as we all know, that NEVER continues once you are comfortable in the relationship... I can`t name all the nasty things he said to me, or telling me if I didn`t like something that he would help me pack my * * * * ... He was horrible.. But in-between those periods, the dreamboat comes back for a few occassions just to make me feel `how lucky I am to have such a wonderful man`.... UGH.. I quickly saw through his BS after awhile.. He was very manipulative also.... Very clever with words and twisting things... Alot of mind games and power control tacticts... No wonder it put me on depression meds I feel better when I remember all these things... But when you hear about them `supposedly happy`with someone new it scares you for a second thinking they are going to finally GET IT RIGHT with this next person... and makes you feel bad like why couldn`t he have done that for me.... But I guess I know deep down, his insecurities and controlling behaviours will be directed at this new girl next... It`s funny though I notice a pattern in his choice of women... Always younger girls at least 5-6 years younger than him, not financially stable like him, and have that innocent nice girl next door look.... He targets the nice girl for sure... Link to comment
sasha1982 Posted April 5, 2009 Author Share Posted April 5, 2009 just wanted to bump this up again... it was on the 2nd page Link to comment
viajera Posted April 5, 2009 Share Posted April 5, 2009 Sasha - I think we must be twins in some alternate universe, or maybe dated the same man! Though mine isn't 34 yet, so maybe they're the twins. THIS: "Just sucks, that when you love a person like this you could have offerred them everything they ever dreamt of... But I guess deep down they don`t think they are deserving of that kind of relationship and don`t know what a healthy relationship is..." is TOTALLY dead on! These guys will never be happy in a relationship, because they don't know how to accept themselves and accept love. They have to constantly control everyone and everything, and can never let go and appreciate what they have. I gave my ex everything (speaking of both tangibles and intangibles), but it still wasn't enough for him. I never cheated on him, but he still constantly accused me of it, got suspicious everytime I mentioned a guy's name. I would have and did do anything for him, and waited forever for him to change, but it was never enough, because he can or will never change. And THIS: "He was very manipulative also.... Very clever with words and twisting things... Alot of mind games and power control tacticts... No wonder it put me on depression meds" Get out of my head! He was the most intelligent person I've ever dated. I'm a PhD student and fancy myself to be intelligent, but he'd constantly challenge me, keep me on my toes. I loved it, but it also sent me spinning, because he'd use his words and games to keep me spinning. And I went on anti-depressants midway through our relationship, and just finally got off them about a year ago (2 years post-breakup). "But when you hear about them `supposedly happy`with someone new it scares you for a second thinking they are going to finally GET IT RIGHT with this next person... and makes you feel bad like why couldn`t he have done that for me.... " Seriously, get out of my head! We broke up many times in our 6 years, and each time he'd clean himself up and go be who I wanted him to be with someone new, and it was so hard to deal with. But you're absolutely right with this, except in my guys' case he chose financially stable women he could leech off of (because he had compulsive spending problems as well): "But I guess I know deep down, his insecurities and controlling behaviours will be directed at this new girl next... It`s funny though I notice a pattern in his choice of women... Always younger girls at least 5-6 years younger than him, not financially stable like him, and have that innocent nice girl next door look.... He targets the nice girl for sure... " Of course they target the nice, innocent girl-next-door type - because we're good people and expect the same from our partners, and can't believe that people can be as evil and manipulative as they are, thus fall for it easily and take a long time to wise up and work our way out. Now it's just a matter of finding the right balance between idealism and realism. I don't want to go around mistrusting everyone, but when I made a conscious decision to trust people again, 2 years post-breakup, I ended up getting in another relationship that didn't work out. He wasn't the slightest bit manipulative or controlling, but he was using me to at least some degree, and I left him Link to comment
StillConfused Posted April 5, 2009 Share Posted April 5, 2009 He might not ever stop abusing women. My ex husband abused his first sons mother , me , and every other woman he dated. The last one landed him in prison for 15 years. You are so lucky you left with your life. A life that you can make wonderful !! Now what he is doing to you is mentally abusing you. Don't let him take away your power . You are a great person and deserve way better!! Hang in there. Link to comment
sasha1982 Posted April 6, 2009 Author Share Posted April 6, 2009 Ughh I know from the reading I have done on abusive, controlling, insecure men it is VERY normal for them to end up in a relationship almost right away.. Its only the 3rd month and he already has this new GF.. Someone told me she is 23-24 years old.. He is 34 this year! Yikes... hes going younger.. I always told him he needed a young, dumb girl that his manipulation would work on... So maybe he took my advice lol... Someone told me again, shes posting on facebook how in love she is lol.... Its been like 2-3 weeks MAX that they have been dating lol.... I know I am better off and I would never in a million years go back to that unhealthy relationship, but its striking some soft spots hearing about this new GF because it reminds me of when he and I first met, and I was sooo happy, hopeful and it makes me upset how things went sour when his true colors came out... But it also hurts that I keep thinking I was his target practice, to finally get things right with this new girl and that really hurts. I know there is nothing I can do about it, nothing I would do any differently right now... And its not that I want to see him unhappy, maybe this will be the relationship for him, maybe this new girl will help him ease all his insecurities.. who knows.. But I just know I am getting through this break-up by MYSELF... I am not dating seriously and using someone to band-aid anything.. It has made me very cautious and smarter in choosing a partner in the future... I find it traumatizing that he can just jump into something new like nothing happened only 3 months ago! Link to comment
1MoreChance Posted April 6, 2009 Share Posted April 6, 2009 Sasha, I just wanna tell you, tell yourself this, "good ridance"... and just because he "looks" ok and happy with his new gf or whatever, it is just a front. do you really think such a screwed up, abusive person, in this case HIM, is happy right now? so soon he replaced you and all is perfect now? though he hit you 3 months ago??? that said, start focusing on YOU and your healing. he is in the past now, please take care of you now. Link to comment
fiona77 Posted April 6, 2009 Share Posted April 6, 2009 I agree with everyone who says he will do the same thing to her as he did to you and the next girl, and the next girl and the next girl. I remember how it was in the beginning with my abusive ex. He was the sweetest, kindest man on earth, but it didn't last and I'm sure yours was the same to you, but it didn't last. It's easy to get sucked into their web and unfortunately even harder to get out..... It is never easy to see someone you cared about, even if they were horrible 90% of the time with someone else. Also, I think the fact that if anyone deserves to be happy it sure as hell should not be him. That just goes against everything we believe as humans. The good person should come out ahead and the bad person should be miserable. The truth is he is miserable. I can't think of a more miserable existence than that of an abuser. Knowing that you have ruined every relationship you have ever had (many with wonderful women) and knowing that you will ruin the new one you're in and you don't know how to stop yourself from doing it. Grabbing the first victim (woman) you can so that you don't have to be alone. In the end he will be alone and someday he won't be able to blame it on every one else in his life. He will have to face reality and face his demons and it will not be pretty. You may have to suffer for a few days with a bruised ego, but he will suffer for a lifetime. Link to comment
sasha1982 Posted April 8, 2009 Author Share Posted April 8, 2009 You make some really good points.... I am really seeing alot things more clearly about our relationship now that I am out of it... and to be honest this new GF he has, kind of makes me laugh now because I feel like our whole relationship was a complete joke. This new girl wrote on her sisters wall on facebook saying 'when are you coming to meet your future brother in law".. hahahaha they have been dating literally 3-4 weeks MAX!!!! And they have their facebook profile pictures with the two of them. I mean, I know it is entirely possible to meet the love of your life after a breakup, but my fiance wanted to marry me, have kids.. He did not want us to break up.. So how do you go from that, 2 months later meeting a new girl and want to marry her now too.. Just doesnt seem to make sense. He always made himself sound like he didnt need a girl or relationship, but I think he really does.. He just wants so badly to be married and have a family. Link to comment
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