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Irony in the rejection/healing cycle.


waveseer

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As simple and as clean as it would be to dismiss an ex for being too shortsighted/ignorant/unenlightened to recognize a great person when they had us, most of the time it's just not like that.

 

So we were rejected for a great range of reasons and we began to heal. During our healing process we learned about ourselves and grew as people. We tried new beliefs, activities, and attitudes. We discovered what it was about us that placed us in a position to be hurt and attempted to fill that need ourselves instead of repeating the whole process again either with the same person or a new person. We grew as we healed.

 

The irony is this, we owe the seeds of motivation to learn, grow, change, and become more whole to the people who rejected us. In light of that can we now discard our bitterness and surround our thoughts of them with gratitude for helping us become who we are today?

 

For those who aren't ready yet, it's okay. It can take a long time in some cases. It takes accepting that I am a healthier and happier person today as a result of having known my ex even if the relation we had wasn't the healthiest and happiest.

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I am a healthier and happier person, but I can't say that I'll thank my ex for the pain he put me through, especially as he strung me along. I can appreciate the learning experience of the situation without being grateful to him, even though he was the one to bring about that situation.

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yellowducky, nice handle by the way. I don't think I intended anyone to be grateful to their ex for causing them pain. The words came out "surround our thoughts of them with gratitude" as an overall aura regarding the catalyst for growth experience.

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yellowducky, nice handle by the way. I don't think I intended anyone to be grateful to their ex for causing them pain. The words came out "surround our thoughts of them with gratitude" as an overall aura regarding the catalyst for growth experience.

 

In that case, I definitely agree. I try to view things more philosophically now, but it looks like you're much farther along than I am.

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We are a product of not only our environment, but our own experiences. It may sound odd to be bitter towards someone whose actions helped us grow, but it's a tough thing to be thankful and put that bitterness aside.

 

I learned very much from exes who dumped me. If I'm bitter at all it's because of WHY they dumped me. Yes, I became a better person from the experiences, but if the dumping comes unfairly and without warning or reason, it's very hard to put that aside and have not resentment, but gratitude, no less.

 

I mean, I do have gratitude. The experience helped make me who I am today, but the way I was usually dumped was completely unfair and unforeseen. I can't help but to have been bitter. Gratitude comes with much more time, I think.

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I think part of the irony is that we don't really WANT to be with a person who doesn't WANT to be with us. Yet when they let us know how they really feel, that they need to move on, we cling to them. That's more paradoxical than ironic, I suppose. Also, it's interesting that we use words like "rejected" and "dumped" to describe a breakup, when the reality is that some things just end. It doesn't have to be anyone's fault.

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We are a product of not only our environment, but our own experiences. It may sound odd to be bitter towards someone whose actions helped us grow, but it's a tough thing to be thankful and put that bitterness aside.

 

I learned very much from exes who dumped me. If I'm bitter at all it's because of WHY they dumped me. Yes, I became a better person from the experiences, but if the dumping comes unfairly and without warning or reason, it's very hard to put that aside and have not resentment, but gratitude, no less.

 

I mean, I do have gratitude. The experience helped make me who I am today, but the way I was usually dumped was completely unfair and unforeseen. I can't help but to have been bitter. Gratitude comes with much more time, I think.

 

It can definitely take quite a while to reap the full personal growth rewards from a defunct relationship. The rewards are always there for us if we are willing to work for them.

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I think part of the irony is that we don't really WANT to be with a person who doesn't WANT to be with us. Yet when they let us know how they really feel, that they need to move on, we cling to them. That's more paradoxical than ironic, I suppose. Also, it's interesting that we use words like "rejected" and "dumped" to describe a breakup, when the reality is that some things just end. It doesn't have to be anyone's fault.

 

I cordially disagree that there is no rejection. Relationships begin with acceptance and end with rejection. Sometimes the stages of a relationship overlap and often they overlap quite a bit. I've most often been the "dumper" in my relationships, the person who officially calls it over. However, by far the biggest reason I have left relationships is due to little rejections I've received along the way from the other person. This process can happen quickly or slowly, but eventually it is just too painful to be near them or my feelings for them have died due to wear and tear. Relationships, in my opinion, don't just end unless both people reject each other at exactly the same time. I don't know about you, but that hasn't happened to me very often.

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I cordially disagree that there is no rejection. Relationships begin with acceptance and end with rejection. Sometimes the stages of a relationship overlap and often they overlap quite a bit. I've most often been the "dumper" in my relationships, the person who officially calls it over. However, by far the biggest reason I have left relationships is due to little rejections I've received along the way from the other person. This process can happen quickly or slowly, but eventually it is just too painful to be near them or my feelings for them have died due to wear and tear. Relationships, in my opinion, don't just end unless both people reject each other at exactly the same time. I don't know about you, but that hasn't happened to me very often.

I respect your opinion and agree with some of it. But why give yourself the title "Dumper?"

 

I think if Person A is with Person B and for whatever reason Person A no longer wants to be with Person B, then Person A needs to be very respectful and let Person B know this information. At that point, Person A is the "initiator" of the end of the relationship.

 

I didn't mean to imply that relationships "just end"-- even when things are going well. I believe that sometimes the emotional withdrawals and deposits just become out of whack and the relationship goes bankrupt. That isn't necessarily rejection.

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RTH, what do you think about these two concepts:

 

1) Everyone we meet is our teacher. They may not know it, WE may not know it. And if we are not open to it, we fail to learn whatever lesson we were given.

 

2) Relationships are all about energy. If two people, for whatever reason, do are not in sync with the same energy, particularly for a long period of time, the relationship is likely to fail.

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NowandZen, I like that. And I agree. I used to have the belief that people gave up too easily and were too quick to divorce. Now I think there are many people who are too slow to divorce. That can often end in anger, bitterness, hatred, even tragedy.

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  • 4 weeks later...
RTH, what do you think about these two concepts:

 

1) Everyone we meet is our teacher. They may not know it, WE may not know it. And if we are not open to it, we fail to learn whatever lesson we were given.

 

2) Relationships are all about energy. If two people, for whatever reason, do are not in sync with the same energy, particularly for a long period of time, the relationship is likely to fail.

 

Everyone we encounter can be our teacher if we are open to hearing the message they send. Pain can block receiving the message whether it comes from our interaction with that person or a previous person in our lives.

 

Most relationships have an energy mismatch, no two people go about having a relationship in exactly the same way. When that difference becomes intolerable to one or both people, the relationship will change.

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