Hi. Here's my situation.

[dukanuka]

I've kind of been having "bouts" of depression and aggravation. Recently (the past month or so), I've been considering suicide very seriously. I haven't attempted it yet, because I want to wait until my death won't hit my family so hard. Right now, everybody's having too much fun doing too many things; I don't want to ruin it. However, I have planned several ways to kill myself and have on several occasions found myself rehearsing slashing/stabbing my carotid artery. I know I could do it and want to do it; but I also want to minimize the damage it does to my loved ones.

 

As for motives, it's nothing really specific like a traumatic experience or relationships. It's more just that I feel absolutely worthless, with no where to go in life, and I don't find life to really be worth all the trouble. I've been thinking a lot about why I feel this way. There's pretty much nothing about life that I want or need to stay for. I've had enough. Sometimes I get really angry just thinking about, sometimes becoming violent (but only when no one's around). In fact, today I suddenly became enraged and pounded on my sternum as hard as I could multiple times. I think I might have fractured something as well. Anyway, there's my situation so far. Let's talk.

[Raistlin]

I've struggled with the feeling of worthlessness and bouts of depression and suicidal tendencies for years. However, no matter how dim things are, I steel myself for tomorrow and push on. There's always a reason to keep fighting the good fight.

 

I gathered from your post that these feelings have been gradual for you. Are there specific examples you can think of that might have steered you toward feeling this way?

[justiner]

you don't know that this life is not worth living for.. until you've lived it. Life IS only what you make of it..there is good in life... and you won't ever experience the joy of it, if you end it early. You are worth so much more. believe it!!!!!!!

[Stereohead]

Honestly. People told me the same thing the above posters said. They’ve been there…don’t do it… life is great… but life isn’t always that great. Life is actually filled with an abundance of pain and is just a learning process till the end… you never stop learning and experiencing it. Not everyone is lucky enough to find someone they care for. Someone to care for them... And live a fairy tale ending.

 

Hardly anyone dose.

 

The reason they tell you life is what you make it…because you can warp your mind into only viewing at the positive things life has to offer… such as love (true love…not just love actually)…what hobbies you enjoy etc… The people that can say that and mean it, have their stress under control…or their emotions tightly packed away…or are truly optimistic towards life.

 

I don’t know who I am. And those thoughts even creep into my mind. I’ve seriously considered another attempt really soon actually.

 

I myself am still searching for the reason that’ll have me try to switch that viewpoint around… but you know. Sometimes it’s not that easy. Sometimes you have to act out all that rage…aggression and just let yourself go… drop the expectations you have for yourself and “what you should be”…but honestly. Don’t care. As long as you like who you are…that should be enough…

 

We all know we shouldn’t kill ourselves. But it’s finding what makes you happy, and experiencing the better things…that make the harder times worth while…

[mgirl]

Yeah, i just try to push on also.

[dukanuka]

Stereohead, I agree with you on a lot of things, like how most people want to live because they've found something which, to them, is worth living for. But I've also never found anything like that.

 

To answer your question Raistlin, no, I can't think of anything that happened that would make me feel this way, although you're probably right that all this has been gradual. I've had bouts of depression since about the onset of puberty. It was about that time I started to feel inferior for a number of different things, although, again, no profound or hard-hitting event suddenly made suicide pop into my head.

[ladyblue07]

Tell us more about your loved ones. It sounds to me like you may have already found your reason to live: You have people who care about you, and there is never going to be a time when your death doesn't hurt those people and make their own lives a lot more miserable.

[dukanuka]

I realize there will never be a time when my death would have no negative effect on others, but I can at at least try to lessen the pain as much as possible. As for the whole reason to live thing, it's true that I have loved ones, but I wouldn't really consider them a reason to live. When I say loved ones, I'm referring to my best friend, my mom, my step-dad, my two brothers and my three sisters. I have great love and respect for them, but I can't really say I've been very close to any of them except my best friend, who has other "best friends" anyway. I'm the youngest of the family and have different views on life and religion than all my loved ones, so, while we get along, I wouldn't say any of them would ever go out of their way to maintain contact with me or that any of them depend on me for anything. So, again, I have loved ones I wouldn't want to hurt, but I wouldn't say that outweighs the issue.