Old wounds opened up again...

[Seymore]

Some of you may remember my thread a few weeks back about my best friend still having my ex friended on Facebook. I requested he doesn't mention her or give me updates based on her page.

 

Well, tonight he asked if I had seen her in traffic lately. I said no, because it was spring break (I think) for the kid she drove to and from school, the school that was right behind my work. He said "Well, you don't have to worry about running into her for much longer." I asked why.

 

He said "She enlisted in the Marines and ships out in a month - she has a countdown timer on her page."

 

At first I thought "Why would she do something so stupid? I thought she was going to go to school like she said and get treatment...she never could stick with anything. One semester and then this already?" I had heard a couple weeks ago that she was prescribed bipolar meds, etc. Now this.

 

I feel so conflicted. I still don't regret leaving her, I know it was best for both of us - she was bad to and for me. But yet still - I feel guilty. Like had I never left her, she wouldn't have done this. I worry. If anything happens to her, I'll feel responsible, but I think a small part of me is still attached to her and I just don't want anything to happen to her, my feelings of responsibility aside (we split 3 months ago). I know this isn't about me, but at the same time I feel terrible. Yes, it'll be good that I won't have to worry about seeing her around, but I just...I don't know.

 

I gave it all I had and I couldn't give an ounce more, and that's about all I feel solace in. My friend told me that I can look at it as a bad thing or a good thing - me leaving her set off a chain of events that resulted in what may be what straightens her out - to some degree, at least. He was laughing, saying "You should be happy...she'll be GONE." I have doubts she'll even get through boot camp - she was never the active type.

 

But she had nothing else. Little family, she got herself into financial ruin, and even while we were together, had this constant desire to travel, almost teasing me with the idea of her moving away to Spain for a year or moving to Georgia, etc.

 

At the same time that I feel upset, I hope that she finds that this is what is for her. Her parents were both in the service, she was born on a base, maybe the cycle has to continue. As much as she fought becoming her mom, more and more as we dated, she was becoming her mom anyway.

 

I think back to what a psychic told me on our road trip last year - he saw her first, then me. He told me that there would be one more great love after her and I was upset by that. He then said: "Sometimes the only reason someone comes into our life is to see where their life went wrong."

 

Why can't life just be...not weird? I know most would say I'm overreacting, but I'm torn between hoping for the best and being angry that she would do such an impulsive thing. That's the way she always was...impulsive.

[ran81]

Wow. The Marines, huh? Everytime I think of boot camp, i think of the first parts of Full Metal Jacket. You said you don't know if she could handle the active part, but how do you think she would react to the yelling in your face the drill instructors do?

 

Also what did you mean by her becoming more her mom?

[waveseer]

It's hard when the first instinct is to love, protect, and assist their healing even after they're gone. I have to accept that whatever bit of influence I had is also gone.

[Seymore]

Wow. The Marines, huh? Everytime I think of boot camp, i think of the first parts of Full Metal Jacket. You said you don't know if she could handle the active part, but how do you think she would react to the yelling in your face the drill instructors do?

 

Also what did you mean by her becoming more her mom?

 

Oh, I don't even want to THINK of Full Metal Jacket. That crossed my mind as well once I heard about it. During our relationship she had mentioned a couple of times wanting to die.

 

As far as reacting to the drill instructors, let's just say that at her last job (watching kids at a daycare), her boss chewed her out for blatantly not doing what she was explicitly told to do. She responded by quitting and walking off the job right then and there. She always had discipline and attitude/respect problems.

 

By becoming more like her mom I mean the financial ruin (her mom made $1,000 last year from working, yet had 2 kids), relationship failure (her mom is on her 6th marriage), and the enlisting in the service (her mom and dad met in the service and had my ex on a base overseas, basically she was an army brat). Her mom also couldn't stick with anything for too long, it seemed, which sounds like my ex. My ex was CONVINCED she would never become like her mom, I just never had the heart to tell her she seemed like she was to me.

[Seymore]

It's hard when the first instinct is to love, protect, and assist their healing even after they're gone. I have to accept that whatever bit of influence I had is also gone.

 

And holding back is a hard part of that. One - because maybe she needs this. Two - what would come of it? I don't want to/can't get involved with her again. It would ruin me, and she'd possibly never improve. I gave her plenty of chances and she never improved. If I spoke two words to her, or even texted, it would give her false hope, and that's not what I want her to have. It's over.

[ran81]

if thats the case, then she's going to be in for a huge rude awakening when she encounters those drill instructors(or sargaents?). An old co worker of mine was in the Marines and he said that alot of the others were crying the first night, wanting to leave because it was no where what they were expecting it to be and extremely grueling. He said one of them even managed to committ suicide. In the Marines, you can't just quit or walk off at all. You basically stuck there for the 3 months or so of boot camp unless you're discharged for some legitimate medical reason. The guys all had to shave their heads and the women had to cut their hair short(not shave though).

 

It could be a positive for her though if she does make it through. My co worker said he came out of it with the attitude of "If I could get through this, I can get through anything."

 

I didnt know her family was that dysfunctional though, at least her mom. I can kinda see why she is the way you described her to be.

[Seymore]

As far as dysfuntional, trust me - I haven't even TOUCHED on her dysfunctional family in the year and a half I've posted here about her. I haven't given her whole story to ANYONE, as there are things I promised her I'd never tell anyone. Some of it is Jerry Springer-just plain sick stuff.

 

There's a part of me that believes she can get through it - she's very hard working, just has no direction. I hope to God she does. She deserves a good life like everyone else.

 

Part of me will always love her in a special way, but that's where it ends. I think it's that love talking, but this is how it has to be.

[waveseer]

And holding back is a hard part of that. One - because maybe she needs this. Two - what would come of it? I don't want to/can't get involved with her again. It would ruin me, and she'd possibly never improve. I gave her plenty of chances and she never improved. If I spoke two words to her, or even texted, it would give her false hope, and that's not what I want her to have. It's over.

 

You're absolutely right.

[WomanWriter]

You know, I almost feel sorry for your ex (I know...devil's advocate again, sorry).

 

It sounds like you don't have much faith in her. You're basically painting her as a weakling who needs someone to protect her. In some ways...and please don't take this the wrong way...it sounds rather, well, abusive.

 

I only say that because you are really judging her here. How do you know how she is going to turn out already? Just because she may have failed before doesn't mean she's a failure. It sucks that you just don't seem to believe in her. Maybe she sensed that. We tend to act how others treat us. If you treated her like she could do anything, maybe she could have. I think it's called the "pygmalian effect" (My Fair Lady).

 

You don't know if she's going to turn out like her mom. It sounds like you are taking the upper hand and want to be the better, more "together" person as an ego defense. I'm sure there are things from her side that we don't know.

 

Hope you don't take it in a defensive way. I'm sure you're hurt in way that she's leaving. It doesn't mean she can't change though. Even if she has a hard time in the military, at least she'll find out something about herself and will eventually find her own way.

 

Hang in there. You're probably going to go through a rollercoaster of emotions now like we all do.

 

All the best

[Seymore]

I don't take offense, because I know what she's capable of. It's her realization of that capability I doubt.

 

For example, she loves children. She wanted to write a book for children. She didn't think it would happen. I had the faith in her that she could do it, so I pushed and did everything in my power to help her make that happen. I spent 3 months helping her make that book. We made a book together and published it. She got inspired, was all for succeeding at it, and did so. She must have sold 20 copies, which while not much, I was so proud of her. When she puts her mind to it, she does it. She was asked to do a presentation at a school, and I stood by her, helping her any way I could - I even did a monkey dance for the kids during her promotion. I think I believed in her more than she believed in herself - she almost gave up and cancelled the promotion the night before, and I helped push her to continue. She was so happy that she did.

 

I have no doubt that she CAN avoid being like her mother - I never said she IS going to be her mother, just that her actions are leading me to believe she will be.

 

Like I said before, she's a hard worker. However, It's her nature to quit things shortly after she starts that leads me to doubt the change will actually take place.

 

I've known alcoholics/drug abusers that have completely turned their life around and been clean for years and years. By that alone, I don't doubt a human's capacity for change.

 

Again, I gave it my all. I don't say that falsely or with doubt - therefore nothing anyone could say could make me believe I was abusive, unsupportive, or non-believing. I can't take offense because of that. I loved her dearly, and wanted her to see what I saw in her. Sure, I have my doubts, but her capability can definitely prove those wrong. I don't deny that.

[owl27]

I was given a quote recently that I LOVE. I think maybe it is fitting in your case. At first I thought it was a strange quote, maybe a little selfish, but it really makes sense when you think about it...

 

"What's right for YOU is always right for the other person."

 

Hope that gives you something to consider.