AlfieKohn Posted April 4, 2009 Share Posted April 4, 2009 I have a friend in school, she is 22, I am 27. I view her like a sister. I have been there for her through a bad breakup with a boyfriend, and we are generally best friends. Sometimes she makes remarks to qualify herself to me, or says her family thinks I am her boyfriend, or her ex always used to say she'd be better off with me, or whatever, but I usually just disqualify them and try to be friendly. When her boyfriend broke it off with her, she re-invited me on a trip that she originally invited me on (it was supposed to be a bunch of friends going) but somehow morphed into a "couples-only" thing...in the process, I had gotten "uninvited." After her man dumped her, she begged me to go, and I went because I care about her and didn't want her to feel like the third wheel. So on the trip, she treated me like crap. She made snide comments, acted like she didn't want me to be there, was cold, etc. I found myself really hurt. I asked her, when we got back, why she acted like she did and she said, "It was my way of impressing (perhaps overly so) that you and I are just friends." I asked her what I had ever done or said to give her the impression I wanted more, and she said "You haven't done anything. I was just afraid we'd get drunk and hook up. You've never implied you wanted that but I don't." I pressed her, and she said, "I've never had a deep platonic relationship with a male, so I'm figuring this out as I go along. It wasn't a conscious decision to treat you like dirt on the trip; it just happened." My question is, what on earth does is going on? Is this girl just immature, or have major issues? I told her I need time to think about things, but am I better off just dropping her? I don't want to subject myself to being treated badly for no reason. Link to comment
dreamwarrior Posted April 4, 2009 Share Posted April 4, 2009 It's both things...she likes you...she is trying to get your attention. Are you not interested in her? Do you think something could develop between the both of you? Link to comment
JustBeachy Posted April 4, 2009 Share Posted April 4, 2009 I think she likes you. Best friends always make the best relationships. Maybe it's something to think about. Link to comment
AlfieKohn Posted April 4, 2009 Author Share Posted April 4, 2009 Uh, if she likes me, why would she go to great lengths to make sure nothing happened between us on the trip? Why would she go out of her way to push me away? I admit the thought has crossed my mind, but she recently got dumped, and I am not at all willing to be a rebound, and am not secretly pining for her. If anything ever were to happen, I decided she'd have to initiate it, but she never has. In all honesty, I think we'd be totally compatible, but I don't know if I am willing to go there. She is very flirty and still young, and apparently her ex was uncomfortable because she liked to flirt with other guys. If I now went back to her and said "I want to give it a whirl," wouldn't that make it look like I was deceiving her all along, and just playing the part of "big brother/friend" when I really had other intentions? Link to comment
JustBeachy Posted April 4, 2009 Share Posted April 4, 2009 Remember back in grade school when you would make fun of a girl? Normally it was because you liked her. Maybe she's using a similar technique? I don't know, but that's what crossed my mind. Link to comment
dreamwarrior Posted April 4, 2009 Share Posted April 4, 2009 She is pretending not to like you...perhaps she thinks you don't like her in the romantic way...you know it's a game...girls don't like to get shot down either...smiles! Link to comment
Samedy Posted April 4, 2009 Share Posted April 4, 2009 Your story reminds me of a friend I had in University. She once made the comment that I was her only male friend who had not made great efforts to get in her pants. She told me that every male friend she ever had, at some point, fell for her (she also told me that this was something she didn't want between us). At first it seemed to throw her for a loop, not sure how to act around me and always reminding me that we were "only friends". We became really good friends in University, which seemed to only confuse matters for her. She would be very close to me one week, inviting me to go everywhere with her and very distant the next. After she seemed to realize that I could be platonic friends with her, and not pursue her sexually, she would regularly inquire about a friends-with-benefits arrangement; and that it would be no big deal if we tried it. But this just seemed to be part of the close and distant aspect of our friendship. *It may sound as if this was a negative friendship, but it really wasn't. Friendships have their ups and downs and people make mistakes with how they treat each other. Sometimes people have to work through their own crap... Link to comment
agatha Posted April 4, 2009 Share Posted April 4, 2009 rule number one to keep a platonic friendship with a male _platonic_: deprive him of his masculinity - treat him like crap - if he sticks around long enough, you can switch back to normal, because the "friendzone settings" will have already turned to default. she knows what she's doing, just was kinda lame about it. Link to comment
Raistlin Posted April 4, 2009 Share Posted April 4, 2009 rule number one to keep a platonic friendship with a male _platonic_: deprive him of his masculinity - treat him like crap - if he sticks around long enough, you can switch back to normal, because the "friendzone settings" will have already turned to default. she knows what she's doing, just was kinda lame about it. Can I get a copy of the manual? I need to figure out how the hell to understand girls. Just do me one favor before sending it: Translate it to English from whatever language you women speak. Link to comment
AlfieKohn Posted April 4, 2009 Author Share Posted April 4, 2009 rule number one to keep a platonic friendship with a male _platonic_: deprive him of his masculinity - treat him like crap - if he sticks around long enough, you can switch back to normal, because the "friendzone settings" will have already turned to default. she knows what she's doing, just was kinda lame about it. But I haven't shown any interest in her, and have never seriously considered dating her. If anything, I have friend-zoned HER, given the comments she makes, always qualifying herself to me. Link to comment
agatha Posted April 4, 2009 Share Posted April 4, 2009 Can I get a copy of the manual? I need to figure out how the hell to understand girls. Just do me one favor before sending it: Translate it to English from whatever language you women speak. well, you know... you just have to make sure that you and the other part are asexual towards each other. the means to get there are your choice... But I haven't shown any interest in her, and have never seriously considered dating her. If anything, I have friend-zoned HER, given the comments she makes, always qualifying herself to me. yeah, I know. but that's the point, you didn't have to. platonic friends often are proved on both ends of the scale "are you my friend enough to stand all of my crap?" "are you just my friend enough as to not be tempted by me?". once you go through that, there usually comes a long period of peace and happy hanging out together not giving a damn if people are always asking "but aren't you guys a couple?" Link to comment
AlfieKohn Posted April 5, 2009 Author Share Posted April 5, 2009 I think that a deep platonic friendship between a male and a female is harder to maintain the older you get. Once each person (or even one of them) has a significant other, it becomes weird to have super-close straight friends of the opposite sex. Link to comment
agatha Posted April 6, 2009 Share Posted April 6, 2009 the problem with SO's is that they usually grow jealous. if not for that, you can be sure very little would change with time. Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.