Getting out helps but only with one-on-one friends

[WomanWriter]

I have found that getting out of the house to do stuff is helpful as long as I go out with only one other person (or maybe two if they're close friends).

 

Today I went out to a cafe with my best female friend who was currently laid off. She didn't want to be alone while her husband was at work and I didn't want to be alone without my ex so we went to a cafe, chatted, and brainstormed ideas for a literary magazine she is starting (as well as ideas for my freelance writing gigs). Then we went walking by the river and got some exercise. Walking alone is really depressing but when you have a pal around, it's not so bad.

 

If you have the chance to start a project with one other person, it may be what you need to take the focus off your ex for a little while. I don't think being around strangers or big groups is very good sometimes because it's not very intimate. Having a lone friend keeps you company and kind of feels like a relationship because it's just the two of you and you can talk about more intimiate things or just keep each other company.

 

If you don't have a friend or relative, why not volunteer? Focus on getting closer to just one other person so you feel like you can have a deeper, less superficial relationship. Can you tutor someone? Can you help an elderly person? It feels good to have one-on-one relationships with people who can use your companionship as much as you can use theirs. Even just forming friendships on here (more personal ones) can be helpful, I would think, for those who do not have people in their lives they can bond with.

 

So I'm not over my ex by a long shot...nobody can "replace" the bond we had because that was special, but I'm finding it's possible to have other different kinds of bonds that may not be AS enjoyable, but they're still enjoyable in their own right.

 

For me, writing gives me a chance to bond with others with my interest. Maybe you like something else. Can you find a club that is just beginning so people don't know each other yet? Can you get a friend or relative to go with you so you can gradually get used to being around new people?

 

I think getting out with just ONE person...maybe just a couple times a week...can help fulfill some of your companionship needs. Big groups and strangers tend to make me feel more lonely for some reason.

 

Anyway, just wanted to share

[ellandroader]

Good advice and points I feel. Things have been hard to deal with but one of my closest friends was in from Canada this week and I only get to see her every now and then. We had a good laugh and it felt like I was back to something like myself. (Especially as I miss my former girlfriend and even dreamt about her last night). She knows me better than most and that bond helped to make it easier to talk and act as myself.

 

I am also seeking volunteer opportunities and my soccer league starts back up again on Monday so I am hoping I too can get back out there into the world and move on.

 

I don't relate to big groups too well either WomanWriter. I thrive more in intimate/close settings.

[WomanWriter]

Dan,

 

I'm glad you are feeling more like yourself now. Dreams can really set us back. I have dreams of my ex constantly and it hurts waking up realizing that aren't real. It's nice that your friend could come in and keep you company. It really helps!

 

I've never been much for groups because the talk is limited and it feels even worse than being alone sometimes.

 

Thanks for writing. See you in other posts

[vodkacruiser23]

I think getting out with just ONE person...maybe just a couple times a week...can help fulfill some of your companionship needs. Big groups and strangers tend to make me feel more lonely for some reason.

I couldn't agree with that more. I went to a BBQ at my friends place yesterday evening, exactly one week after my fiance dumped me. I wasn't going to attend, but I thought "To hell with it, I'm gonna get out and have some fun". I was one of the last people to arrive. There were about 6 other people there too that I didn't know. All couples... there was just me and my one other single friend (who's single by choice and very happy).

 

I felt so horribly empty. I'd previously had a good couple of days (Thurs and Fri) and then I just came crashing down. Being around all the happy couples made me miss him terribly. There were about 4 or 5 times I felt like bawling. I sat there all night feigning smiles and laughter until I couldn't bear it anymore, and made an excuse to leave. My girls walked me to my car (I have 3 BFF's) and I felt more comfortable being just around them. Plus now that I'm alone again I feel ok. I'm sure as time passes I'll start to feel less lonely around people. It's all so fresh right now.

 

We're on day 3 of NC and I'm finding it hard because I have no idea what he's doing... I don't even know whether he's found himself a rebound already or not. Trying not to let it consume me though. It'll just hinder my healing. I drove past his workplace yesterday (not on purpose, on my way to somewhere else) and he was outside washing his work van. He looked quite down. I used to accompany him to work on Saturdays (because he only works one half-Saturday a month) and we'd buy a cooked breakfast from the lunch bar accross the way, sit and eat, and then I'd watch him working and we'd chat away. I do wonder if he misses that.

[journeynow]

I agree with you WomanWriter. I freelance from home and find I need to get out around people daily if possible. I often meet and walk and talk with friends, along the river like you do. Sometimes, just being in public in a pleasant place (cafe, coop, library) helps, if no friends are free. There's no chance of running into my husband, which helps. I live in the country, so need to plan for visits to town. I volunteer, too, visiting a person in a nursing home who can't speak. It seems ironic, since I work alone from home, my husband left, my kids have grown, and I volunteer to be involved with others and am assigned someone with advanced Alzheimer's who doesn't talk to me. There's a theme there....