frustrated (sorry if its long)

[Blone]

Hey, my live in girlfriend of seven years broke up with me about 2 months ago, she said she needed some time and space. Of course I was devastated, and still am. we broke up because I had become stuck in a rut due to employment reasons, among others. I became depressed, and just basically shut down. I just didn't want to go out and do anything anymore. I have since identified, and shed these problems, and feel good about it. I will not make the same mistake again.

 

She told me that she is not ruling out getting back together in the future, and the door isn't completely closed. She just doesn't know right now. She has some life issues to work out as well. I know she is confused.

 

The first month she was calling/texting me almost everyday to ask how I was, asking me to come over sometimes more than once a week, we went on a hike, and went to dinner. When I would come over to the house to hang out she would snuggle up next to me and give me physical contact. After I would leave, she would call me (before I could even get home) to say she had a really nice time..even the next morning. I'm thinking things are going well..

 

At the end of the first month, I had asked her if her feelings had changed, and she said she still needed more time, and it was like meeting a new person to get used to. Of course I was pretty bothered by this, so I decided to implement no contact, and politely asked her not to call me..

 

During no contact, she would text me to try to find excuses to get me to call her every once and a while, but I resisted. She told my sister that is has been "incredibly hard" on her to not talk to me.

 

Fast forward to a month of NC. We met for coffee the other day, and I asked her if it was possible to start dating, just to take it slowly, one date at a time. She told me that she still didn't know what she wanted (mostly in life). I asked her to be honest with me, and not to tell me doesn't know, just to be nice and not hurt me, if she has made up her mind. She said she really just doesn't know, and needs more time to think about what she wants for herself. She loves and cares about me immensely. During our conversation she shed tears a few times. I can tell she is still confused.

 

I know she wants to see me, she had asked me to meet her for coffee again next week. I agreed. I am thinking that if we can start meeting for coffee, I would instill positive experiences, and hopefully we can progress into dating again. Or should I go back to no contact after this next meeting?

[Yanet]

You should sleep with another girl and let her know about it. She made the choice to break up with you (after 7 years no less) and so shouldn't expect you to follow her beck and call like a dog.

 

Breaking up after 7 years saying she's "confused" probably means she wants to go and sleep with lots of other guys before finally settling down. She's probably slept with other men already.

[Blone]

Knowing her for so long, and knowing her friends, she is definitely not the type of girl to go out and sleep with a bunch of guys, which is one of the things that attracted me to her. She is one of those "good girl" types, extremely loyal. And is extremely picky when it comes to men as well. She wanted to settle down with me, until things got rocky.

[steelcitymstro]

You should sleep with another girl and let her know about it.

 

Terrible advice IMHO....Don't do another relationship, date, one-night stand or anything else for the sake of revenge. You'll hate yourself for it down the road.

 

I don't know what your "other reasons" were for breaking up other than your job troubles, but it sounds like maybe your g/f freaked out a bit when she saw that you weren't able to handle your problems in a way she would have expected. Maybe at your next meeting with her, you can acknowledge that you may have added to her confusion about life and relationships, but also stress that you need to know where this is going. If you're okay with starting slowly again, then that sounds like a good plan for the both of you. I think your goal during those meeting times would be to show her that you've "identified and shed" the issues that were coming between you and that this time around will be different.

 

Vague answer, I know, but for a seven year relationship, you didn't give too much background on what actually led to the breakup. More info may help!

[Blone]

I am fine with going slowly, anything to get back to where we were. She knows of my efforts to identify and shed these issues, maybe she just needs to see me prove it with time.

 

Sorry I didn't give too much info on what led to it, I didn't want the post to be way too long haha. As mentioned earlier, I just kind of slipped into this rut, mainly due to the employment, and the fact that I had spent a ton of money on a printer, and camera equipment for a photography business that I was going to start with her (mainly her idea, but we both love photography). She was going to accent photos with paint (she is a great painter), and we were going to sell them.

 

Well sure enough, we took pictures, but she didn't bother to paint a single one. I had kept asking her to do this, until I gave up. She knows I was very reluctant to take the money out, because I didn't want nothing to come of the business. And sure enough nothing came of it. So needless to say I had a bit of hidden resentment toward her, which ultimately made me begin to emotionally block her out in ways, and I generally became negative and angry at times, and she noticed this.

 

She had also mentioned that she had put so much of herself into me, always trying to make me happy, that it exhausted her. I appreciated what she did for me, But I never ever asked for it, because I don't ask for much. She pretty much exhausted herself, and I couldn't control it. Had I known it was doing this to the relationship, I would have stepped back and asked her to stop. She needs time to "recharge".

[Yanet]

Terrible advice IMHO....Don't do another relationship, date, one-night stand or anything else for the sake of revenge. You'll hate yourself for it down the road.

 

She broke up with him. If they get back together the break up and issues that follow will always be in the back of the mind. Just move on.

[ToodlePip]

Well sure enough, we took pictures, but she didn't bother to paint a single one. I had kept asking her to do this, until I gave up. She knows I was very reluctant to take the money out, because I didn't want nothing to come of the business. And sure enough nothing came of it. So needless to say I had a bit of hidden resentment toward her, which ultimately made me begin to emotionally block her out in ways, and I generally became negative and angry at times, and she noticed this.

 

Did you openly ask her why she wasn't getting involved?

 

I had the same problem with my ex - she would actually suggest doing something, but wouldn't do anything about it. Now I've had a couple of months away from her, I do wonder how into "us" she was, or how lazy she was. I've now decided to view this as a red flag for the future, and it's put perspective to her statement that she'd put so much into the relationship. Erm, did she?

[steelcitymstro]

Blone, your follow up makes more sense. It can be a little hairy to mix business and pleasure. Obviously, the two of you didn't succeed in the whole photography adventure because you didn't see eye-to-eye on what was supposed to happen in the first place. However, this seems like a ridiculous excuse to end a seven year relationship. To me, it sounds like either she is using this incident as an excuse to end things, or she genuinely got freaked out that the two of you were incompatible with something. My wife and I are both musicians...we play piano and violin. Imagine our surprise when our mutual love of music did absolutely nothing to help us work together when we have to prepare for a performance. In fact, as two professional musicians, one of our least enjoyable mutual activities is music. It happens.

 

You're right that you need to show her where you've made improvements. And if she needs time to "recharge," tell her that you want to be involved in that recharge effort--it will give you the opportunity to show her how much you care about her and will also show her that, if disagreements come up in the future, you're going to be there for her emotionally.

 

Yanet....I mean no disrespect, but not all breakups are black and white. Guys do stupid things all the time that girls eventually forgive them for. Girls freak out a bit and question it all over the most trivial of arguments. Saying that all the issues of the break up will always be with them is absurd--if that were true, thousands of couples would never have any success. None of us have all the answers, but "rebound" relationships don't do much other than to create more messy relationship baggage. If he came on here and said "my girlfriend of 7 years left because she needed some space, but now I'm really into this other girl--should I date her?" then the answer might be "yes", but I don't think that's the case here.....

[Blone]

Did you openly ask her why she wasn't getting involved?

 

I had the same problem with my ex - she would actually suggest doing something, but wouldn't do anything about it. Now I've had a couple of months away from her, I do wonder how into "us" she was, or how lazy she was. I've now decided to view this as a red flag for the future, and it's put perspective to her statement that she'd put so much into the relationship. Erm, did she?

 

I didn't ask, because I didn't want to press the issue for risk of her getting upset, and raising her defenses even more. I think Ill inquire more next time we meet.

 

The photography incident is an example of one of her issues that she says she needs to work on, not following through on things, procrastinating. Kind of ironic to say she put so much energy into making me happy, yet not following through on the photography idea made me unhappy.

[Blone]

Thanks steelcitymstro

 

I think when she ended it, she wasn't doing the math that the failed photography adventure was part of what was making me shut her out, and leading to me distancing myself from her, and adding to my depression. I couldn't even muster up the energy to go out to a bar for her b-day (I still got her two very thougthful gifts though), and that didn't make her happy, I made mistakes. It wasn't even about the money, it was about the bonding, forming a business with the person you love. I informed her of how much it upset me afterward only recently, cause she couldn't figure it out how it changed my attitude toward the relationship herself. I agree it is a ridiculous excuse to end such a long term relationship, I didn't want it to end. We actually enjoyed shooting photos together very much. After so many years, this should have been one of those things that partners should work on to overcome, rather than taking the easy way out and deciding to end it. I still cared about her dearly, My family and I even bent over backward to help her get a new car, because she didn't have the means to get a new one one, and her old one was becoming unreliable, and unsafe.. three months before she broke it off.

 

Her other reasoning for ending it was what I had mentioned earlier, that she put so much of herself into doing things to make me happy, that she lost herself. And eventually she thought that she could do nothing to make me happy anymore, because I was stuck in this "rut" for a while. At our meeting I told her that I would like to be a part of her recharge effort, and want to be there for her in any way possible. She knows how much I care about her, I couldn't stress it enough to her when we met the first time after NC.

 

I have a hard time giving up and moving on, because I hear about the many, many couples that are able to reconcile, and grow stronger, that haven't even been together 1/4 the time that we have, and a lot of those couples can have problems that ours pale in comparison to. Ive heard that the longer the relationship the longer it can take for her to come back around as well.

[steelcitymstro]

After so many years, this should have been one of those things that partners should work on to overcome, rather than taking the easy way out and deciding to end it....

 

I have a hard time giving up and moving on, because I hear about the many, many couples that are able to reconcile, and grow stronger, that haven't even been together 1/4 the time that we have, and a lot of those couples can have problems that ours pale in comparison to.

 

These are your two strongest points...stick to these when you have contact with her. If she agrees, you may be able to repair the damage.....if she doesn't agree, there are bigger problems than what meets the eye.

[Yanet]

Guys do stupid things all the time that girls eventually forgive them for.

 

Girls freak out a bit and question it all over the most trivial of arguments. Saying that all the issues of the break up will always be with them is absurd--

 

if that were true, thousands of couples would never have any success.

 

None of us have all the answers, but "rebound" relationships don't do much other than to create more messy relationship baggage. If he came on here and said "my girlfriend of 7 years left because she needed some space, but now I'm really into this other girl--should I date her?" then the answer might be "yes", but I don't think that's the case here.....

 

Girls can do something which a guy can forgive her for. The capacity to forgive is always there but that doesn't mean it's a good idea.

 

Also, you'll notice the break up wasn't over a trivial matter, hence, why I said they might have some issues that would linger.

 

Issues that leave a mark can remain a memory in a relationship but people can have the capacity to forgive or temporarily forget and stay together. Further, it says nothing whether these relationships are happy or unhealthy codependent ones where the two people are scared of dying alone.

 

I didn't tell him to get into another relationship. I recommended he sleep with a new girl.

[Blone]

Crap, should this be posted in the "getting back together" topic? instead of here?