breakup/broken hearted = silver lining in recovery IF you look for it.

[canali]

Just wondering if anyone else here in the more advanced healing stages wants to lend what you've learned or how your perspective of self and others and life has perhaps changed (hopefully for the better of course).

 

For me this break was a blessing in disguise: I was too entangled with my ex and looking too much for her validation/approval ....my social life (still working on that one) was very small so I overinvested in her (a common theme I see often on this site)....

 

Realize, too, how we get so attached to a person that we can forget about taking care of our own individual lives dreams and happiness and thus often we don't live in the 'now'... we create pressures from 'expectations' or thinking of the future too much with this person, making them a 'rescuer' instead of taking responsibility for ones own happiness.

 

I mean I do want and need love; and realize for now I am going to seek it more in new friendships instead of a romantic relationship .

This said, hopefully when I do wish to start a new relationship I will go with the flow more and if it ends (despite efforts and such) then I wont cling so much.

 

In short I'm trying to get to a place that is well phrased by Bruce Fisher ('Rebuilding') : "In your next relationship try to relax more and don't think "Is this person 'the one' or 'can I create a future with him' but instead 'Does this person and I have enough in common to share some quality time together NOW.'"..sure I understand that biochemically we get hooked to a new person but our beliefs, thoughts, and unhealed past can equally determine just how fast and well we move on to a better place emotionally.

 

My recent reply to a post (''Getting back together really does happen!'') sort of helped me work through my beliefs & feelings yet again to a still better place.

http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=278592&page=5 post 48

 

I'm also learning to forgive my ex and myself ('Dare to forgive' is a good book which has helped my healing)... I'm lucky that my ex is a decent person and not some 'monster' that many make their exs to be...we all have our faults and weaknesses people: remember the old adage: when you point one finger you get three pointing back....

 

In the end we're all stumbling along with our own unhealed wounds/hurts from the past/beliefs/expectations/limitations trying to find love and make it work as best we can...no one is perfect.

[laisla]

thanks for this post canali. this phrase hits the jackpot: "In your next relationship ask NOT is this person 'the one' or 'can I live my future with him' but instead ask 'does this person and I have enough in common to share some quality time together NOW.' "

 

over time i have been seeing that him and i aren't compatible even though there was a tremendous amount of love between us. it just did not work and we pushed for it too much. it ended up ruining us more...now i am truly going toward the path of making peace with this failed romantic relationship.

 

there will be better things.

[hesnotworthit]

i feel like i am reading a page out of diary (if i had one lol). I did exactly what you did, and since the break up i have realised exactly the same things that you have. I never really needed him to make my life fullfilled, he was never responsible for my happiness, he never gave me value or purpose...all along i alone was responsible for all of these things. And it hurts to see how easily and long i put up with all the horrible ways he treated me in order to allow him to be my self "rescuer" like you said...in a way i wish i could have dumped him earlier I wish it didnt take the break up for me to see reality and realize the truth.

Congrats to finding your feet on the same, right, path i have discovered. Yes we hurt, but we also learned.