Mother issues

[Tinksmom]

Four weeks ago, I told my mother that my husband and I are considering becoming parents. We have been married for almost four years, and both of us are in our thirties. We aren't trying right away, but we would like to try for sometime next year. I expected her reaction to be unsympathetic, however it was a angry reaction I received. She accused me of already being pregnant, and suggested I was being "forced into it" by both my husband and mother-in-law. She informed me that having a child was stupid, especially with the world as it is now, and that it would be a very dumb decision to go through with. She said that having children is very hard, very disappointing, and they aren't there for you when you need them. Her tone was angry and seemed to suggest that she wished she had never had my half-brother or I, which isn't much of a surprise considering the circumstances in which she had us.

 

My mother had me when she was 27. She and my father had been married for four years at this point. She has told me that my father wanted a child very much, which I assume to mean that she did not. I was about a year old when my father was diagnosed with leukemia. My mother cared for him constantly and stayed with him for weeks at a time while he was hospitalized. My grandmother cared for me during this time, which as far as I can remember, I did not see much of either my father or mother. When I was six, my father passed away. My mother resumed her job as a grocery store clerk and worked long hours to support us. Three years later she re-married. A year later, my half-brother was born. I am aware that my step-father wanted to have a child, and so she did it for him.

 

As far as I know, my mother didn't want either myself or my brother. He and I have talked about this often, and he has even seeked therapy for it while in college. To make matters worse, I feel as if I am a constant reminder to her of my father than she loved and lost so tragically. I believe my mom loves my step-father, and she should, as he has been very good to us over the years, but I truly think she married him because she was desperate: alone and burdened with raising a young child that she did not want in the first place.

 

She has not had an easy life; her's is one filled with heartbreak, regret, sacrifice, and sadness. But at the sametime it has not been too hard either. Our family was always full of caring and love. My brother and I were good children; we never got into any serious trouble and made decent grades in school, so we weren't a burden on our parents. I think the true problem with my mother is mental illness; she doesn't often leave the house, she has no friends, she never calls me, and she never visits. She has NEVER been there for me emotionally; only enough to tell me that I've made a bad decision. She didn't want me to go to college, to move away from home, to get married, and now she doesn't want me to be a mother.

 

In the past I have gotten over her attitude and simply reminded myself that she is my mother and I love her, but I am so tired of this now. She needs to know how much she has hurt both me and my brother, and that caring for us out of necessity is not the same as caring for us because she wants to. I want my mother to be there for me; to be joyful of the fact that I want to have a child. I need that support; as I see all of my friends having children and their mothers are a constant part of their lives, it appears I cannot have that, and it breaks my heart. It also makes me wonder if I have any business being a mother myself, as I see so much of my mother in me, will I end up just like her?

[waveseer]

You will not end up like her, you actually want a child. It would be most helpful though if you accept her viewpoint and her right to hold it. I spent a long time wishing my parents were something other than they were but it never happened. Eventually you have to decide to live your own life the way you wish regardless.

[lauramed]

You just have to get accept that she's never going to be the kind of mother that you want and deserve, but that shouldn't make you question whether you should have children or not. I always felt the same way about my mother, just a woman who never was happy with anything in her life. You want children and I will tell you that mine are the biggest blessing and the greatest joy in my life. Don't let your mothers unhappiness stop you from experiencing what I've had in my life.

[top bloke]

Your mother is nothing like you. One of the best things to happen in my life are my children. Watching them being born..cutting the umbilical chord..I truly witnessed a miracle in life.From nothing there they were. T The size of a milk bottle. Your mother is a bitter person.

One thing as a good son I have learnt...nearly every piece of decision making advice they gave me..lead me to the wrong paths in my life instead of right. You see we dont need their approval to live our lives but they will always try to influence us. Follow your heart and live your life the best for you. No one has a right to tell you otherwise.

[Tinksmom]

Thank you ready2heal. I know that I will never change my mother, but I thought maybe if she knew how many tears I have cried over this, and how much she's hurt me, she might want to change. Although in the same instant she may reject my emotions as weak and foolish, as she's done in the past. I just wish she could see that life can be filled with happiness; that it is what you make it, instead of her feeling bitter all the time. And what hurts me the most is I fear that one day, when she's minutes away from dying, she will have more regret for not living in joy than she's had in her entire life.

[angellight]

Your mother is transferring her feelings and emotions onto you..She is sad and bitter and quite possible not quite right emotionally...

 

The only bond I can think of that is even better than being a parent is being a grandparent...

 

There is nothing so amazing as looking into the beautiful, innocent face of your own child, that grew in your body and came from you..That is dependent on it's very life on you..You teach, mold and also learn from this wonderful little being..There is nothing so awe inspiring as holding this little person, your legacy that makes you immortal by passing a little bit of yourself onto them..

 

Im sorry your mother did not feel this way about you and your brother..This is her problem, but she has made it yours too...

 

Dont deny yourself the most precious experience and gift you could ever ask for because your mother does not agree..she has lived her life and now it is time for you to live yours...

[waveseer]

Thank you ready2heal. I know that I will never change my mother, but I thought maybe if she knew how many tears I have cried over this, and how much she's hurt me, she might want to change. Although in the same instant she may reject my emotions as weak and foolish, as she's done in the past. I just wish she could see that life can be filled with happiness; that it is what you make it, instead of her feeling bitter all the time. And what hurts me the most is I fear that one day, when she's minutes away from dying, she will have more regret for not living in joy than she's had in her entire life.

 

When my grandmother entered the final stages of her life she 'buried the hatchet' with many people that she'd held resentments against. Some of her old grudges dated back more than 60 years! She looked people up, apologized, and admitted her wrongdoing even if it was just a negative attitude towards them. It would seem that she saw the light when it was too late to really enjoy it, but early enough to make peace with herself and a few others.

 

Do I expect my mother to have an epiphany and reconsider her priorities in life on her death bed? No, but it would be grand if she could heal and be free much sooner than that. I don't expect it though I plant seeds all the time. Ultimately it is her choice to live in pain and I cannot tell her that it's wrong to do so.

[yellow_sweater]

And what hurts me the most is I fear that one day, when she's minutes away from dying, she will have more regret for not living in joy than she's had in her entire life.

 

That will be her choice and her burden. There is nothing you can do about her actions directly...

 

...other than to be the best YOU can be. You can be the role model that shows your mother how a mother can care, love, respect, cherish, and nourish a child.

 

You have great clarity about this situation. I know it hurts, but I can't see you turning out like your mother. Just like you can't change her outlook and her actions, she can't change yours or your actions. You are your own woman.

 

YS