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Ex Emailed about Potential Awkwardness at Party


pestilence

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Dream about your ex
Dream about your ex

I am constantly going back and forth about how I feel about the situation I'm in. Please advise me! What do I do when my ex has e-mailed me about attending a party and asks for it not to be awkward?

 

Backstory:

Ex-gf broke up with me shortly before Christmas 2007 after 8.5 years. We had been living together for about 5 months when she told me that she wanted to date other people (in so many words). She moved out early January 2008.

 

Contact Timeline:

 

May 2008 - Invited to a mutual friends wedding. Went with current girl, ex went with a girlfriend (whom is trying to spew venom at me!). Said hello, but did not engage in conversation. Did not dance with her, either. Stood well away.

 

August 2008 - Ex emailed out of the blue asking to go out for coffee as friends to get closure. I didn't need closure, and I asked her what she wanted. She said I may have had unanswered questions. I said I couldn't be friends with her. She replied by asking for her postal mail (8 months of it, and she has not YET to this day had all of her post moved, forwarded or anything!). Told her I would meet up and talk after all, since I may only get one chance.

 

I felt that I had to, one more time after the dust had settled, to ask her about rebuilding a relationship. She said she wasn't ready, and I said OK to that. Quickly she responded "Aren't you dating someone?" "Yes", and I said that I now may have a difficult decision to make in the future. I said I was not expecting anything and more importantly I wasn't waiting up for her. I kept dating my current girl. I know what you're all thinking of me at this point!

 

- In October 2008 the ex wanted to know about some concert tickets we had ordered for her a long time ago. She also asked about help with her computer, which I sheepishly agreed to. Again, this was probably more of a desire to see what she /really/ wanted, but I believe now she was only looking for free technical help. I did not speak at length with her (even though she was not watching TV or engaged with other things) and I did not bring up the relationship. I literally left with a smile, a you're welcome, and did not look back.

 

- January 2009, we bumped into each other at the gym. I have no idea why she attends my gym, since she has one closer to her. We actually spoke about random things for 20 minutes. It was weird, but nice I guess. I did not bring up any odd situations, weird feelings, the relationship. Just shared what we've been up to. I tried to be upbeat, smile, laugh, joke. I think I succeeded.

 

- A couple of weeks later, I'm at the gym on the treadmill and she walked by. She had to get my attention because I intentionally did not want to seem creepy or something by sneaking peeks at her workout. She said that she just wanted to come over and say hello. I smiled, said hello back, and that was that. She didn't stay to chat, but I don't know if she wanted to either.

 

We had been invited to a mutual friends cocktail party shortly after our breakup in 2008 and I was told the ex was going to be there. She wasn't. I was then invited to a second party that year (this husband/wife love to entertain) where I was told she would be coming - again, nothing.

 

We have just been invited to another party thrown by the same couple in May 2009, and I received a Facebook post from my ex out of the blue -

 

"I hope all is well. I am just sending you a message because I got an invite to WIFEs birthday party. I would really like to go, because I still consider her a friend of mine and I haven't seen her in a while. I thought I would ask (out of respect for both you and WIFE) if you minded that I was there. I know that you have been friends with HUSBAND for a long time and I wouldn't want to stir up any awkward feelings at the party or make you feel like I am invading in some way. I didn't want to just show up and then make it weird for everyone there! If you are cool with it, then I am cool with it. Let me know."

 

I am realizing that I am not excited about my current relationship as I probably should be, and am strongly thinking of ending it. I am just realizing that I am not happy with the relationship because of the circumstances of how it got underway (and everyone who is reading is right, you should not date so soon afterwards! )

 

I want to be together with my ex. I believe I have learned a lot about myself, my past relationship and how I should really act (confident, self assured, kind yet strong - the man) in a relationship in the year we've been apart. Am I looking for a second chance? Yes. Am I going to be sad if we aren't an item? For awhile, but I can live with not being with her. How would I best respond to this e-mail?

 

I feel as though she's being selfish (again) by even asking me, since I also feel it wouldn't matter to her how I answered her e-mail (I don't even know what she's really asking of me, TBH). Why couldn't she have called, who knows.

 

- What sort of things can I reply to my ex with to, at the very least, hold my position steady or increase her attraction to me again? I am going to live my life, but I do not want to do anything stupid or immature in this e-mail or at the party (I'm likely going to go solo if I break up with current girl)

- Do I even respond? The party is in May. I do want to show her that I'm strong and nonchalant about contact, but I do not want to be impolite about responding to an e-mail. I hear that silence is golden, aka, if you dont do anything, nothing bad can happen, but does that apply in this case?

- How can I face the fact that my ex would actually get back into my social circle (even after she's decided to leave it) and make me feel weird?

- Is she doing this to test the waters?

- Why can't she just stay with her own circle of friends (whom I assume she's been spending her time with in the last year anyway)?

- Can someone attempt to read between the lines here at all?

 

Here are some background links:

 

 

 

I'm so confused about my personal life these days. This forum has been great though!

 

Thank You everyone!

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Hmmm, to answer your question about how to respond to the email I'd have to agree with jul-els and just go short and sweet. No need to elaborate but at least you're acknowledging her.

 

On to her motives. I think occasionally she does think about you and, who knows, maybe even about reconciling when she's feeling lonely. But I would think long and hard about it because the fact that you have a girlfriend could simply be making her jealous and nothing more. So if you broke up with your current girlfriend, you may not look as attractive in her eyes. It's funny how that works but it does.

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I agree with Jul-els. I also think that you need to resolve things in your current relationship before you devote so much time and energy to thinking about what might or might not be going on with your ex.

 

Kinda sounds like you're trying to figure out if you've got a decent shot at getting back with your ex, and if you conclude that you do you'll break up with your current girlfriend ... and if you conclude that you don't, you'll continue to string along your current girlfriend until someone better appears on the horizon. That's not cool. I think you know that already ... but although you feel that you've grown a lot in the last year, this does not make you very mature or accountable.

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This one is pretty simple.

 

I would strongly advocate against dumping your current girlfriend unless that's really what you want to do and making that decision has nothing to do with the possibility of a relationhip with your ex.

 

If you want to toss your current girlfriend because you just aren't into it then do it but you'd better be dating by the time the dinner rolls around in May.

 

Women can smell desperation like a cheap cologne and showing up having just dumped your current girlfriend will do just that, unless you ahve other options in tow and notice that I said optionjs with an s at the end that means more than 1.

 

The e-mail from your ex is a * * * * test. Every woman gives them to men. In this case she's testing your restraint.

 

3 acceptable ways of addressing this and in order of preferance

1. Respond with something cocky and funny like, "You're invading parties now? What's next on your tour of destruction, weddings? (Almost always my first choice as this is an attraction builder)

2. No response (2nd choice and could be first if you know that no response really gets under her skin)

3. Respond by saying That's fine or something similar (This is my last choice but still suitable)

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jul-els:

 

By saying that, I'm sure could invoke a vague feeling, sure. But does that not also let her know in some way that now it doesn't matter what she does with respect to our social circle, my friends, our relationship (such as it is right now) etc? I want her back in my life, but not as a friend. And I do not want her to "steal" my friends away from me (And I know I'm being irrational, but it has happened before to many others before me and I feel as though it would ruin me mentally atm!). I do not want to be her doormat! She cannot walk back into my life and hang out with my friends and make me feel uncomfortable.

 

Grant: I'm confused by all of this because while I'm trying to keep distance (in order to seem aloof/more attractive/mysterious/independent/normal/not a wimp), she wants to have a social life with people whom were my friends first.

 

Yes, she's been invited so I won't avoid that, but I am confused because I am not in her life (directly or indirectly) - so why does she have to be in mine? I do not pry into her life whatsoever. I cannot and will not stop her from being friends with my friend's wife, but I do not want my own social circle to fall apart - I am in a city alone and the friends (they live at least an hour away) I have are important to me. I do not want them to choose over me.

 

I do not want it to be "I am in your circle and we aren't dating, so you're going to have to suck it up because I'm here to stay!". I also do not want any of my close GUY friends to make a pass at her - they should respect my friendship until I'm OK with her dating someone I'm close to - but I would rather not see that day come EVER, PERIOD.

 

uhohlala:

 

This party isn't until May. I have time to decide what I really want. I do want a chance with her, but is it going to be because I'm single at this party? Or is it just going to come down to something she wants to try again and asks for, putting her feelings at risk? I know I can't force it, but I certainly want the opportunity to be able to present itself as calmly and happily as possible.

 

She has not desired getting back together at all, which just makes me sad.. She wants to be in *my* circle of friends without me as her partner! That makes me sad and angry at the same time!

 

Admittedly this feeling about my current relationship has been on my mind for awhile, but only because I'm so confused by all this contact my ex has initiated!

 

The_411:

1. I don't know if I can give her that particular cocky/funny approach, seeing as how we were already at a wedding, but I'm sure I can think of something similar. Actually, I might just use this one. In what way does this build attraction, and how would I continue the response - just by saying "sure, no harm, see you there sincerely, "?

2. What do you think not responding to her would make her think?

3. Again, I do not know how to politely tell her anything without seeming sad or like a doormat. Again, I do not want her to simply waltz back into my life (even without me!)

 

Thanks to everyone so far for your responses. I'm less anxious now, but still treading unknown waters! Please, any more helpful advice is welcome!

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Since you feel this way tell her yes, it would make you uncomfortable if she is there since obviously it will. Why do you have to lie? She asked pointblank.

 

When me and my ex husband split up i had enough respect for him to not even THINK of going to a party that i was invited to if he were the friend in their life longer. It sounds to me like your ex became friends with the wife only because you and her husband were friends for a long time. She wouldn't have met wife otherwise if my inference is correct. Your friendship trumps hers.

 

I am of the firm belief that in situations like this it is the one who came into the friendship with that friend already who gets the privledge of party invites. Even if that person becomes a mutual friend later after you two are together, or if you befriend their spouse or partner, it still should default back to the one who came into the relationship with the friend already. I became good friends with wives of my ex's friends but i declined all invites i got for parties after we split just to keep the discomfort to a minimum for all involved. People invite you out of obligation - you konw they'd rather not have the conflict so it is a pity invite anyway.

 

She shouldn't go. If she misses this person, the wife, she can send her an email to catch up with her for lunch. She has missed two parties already and if she were so great of a friend she would have done this already. I don't buy her story of missing this person..she has had plenty of time to reach out. I think it's all an excuse to have emailed you.

 

Yes, please break up iwth your current g/f. I feel bad just reading about this. How horrible she is not even liked all that much. Do her a favor and let her find someone who really likes her.

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Pestilence,

 

This is what I would say, "So (your ex's name), you're invading parties now? What's next on your tour of destruction, weddings (or some other event)? Don't forget to bring your sword to Wife's place next Wednesday (or whatever day it is)

 

(Your name)

 

 

That's the whole repsonse written out for you. Basically you're busting her "balls" so to speak while nonchalantly giving approval. The reason this works is that you are implying hey it's no sweat of my back whether you come or not I'm gonna have fun either way. This shows detachment from an outcome (this is very attractive quality) it shows humor (attractive) it shows cockiness ( which is attractive when mixed with humor).

 

There's no need for fomalities this isn't victorian England and she isn't someone you are trying to impress on the contrary you want to do the least you can to impress her. Just have fun and be cocky and funny with her all night.

 

Bust her chops a lot, smile, and make sure to touch her arm gently and see how she reacts.

 

Do not make plans with her at the end of the night leave things vague by saying something perhaps we'll meet up again. You want to give her the impression that you are pre-occupied and that she should be so lucky to spend time with you.

 

Obviously this needs to be portrayed subtlely otherwise it will backfire.

 

Main rule of thumb is have fun for you and do not worry about the outcome.

 

Of course this isn't foolproof but I'd be willing to bet that there a high chance she'll be calling text within a few days after the event if you were having fun and busting her chops.

 

This builds attraction because you are showing something new and you are showing higher value. There is mystery and intrigue.

 

Basically you are proclaiming the hold you had over me is gone I'm a man and I'm gonna show you my cajones.

 

Men are dominant and women are submissive. When this isn't the case that's when things go haywire in a relationship. Sure that's simplifying but it's a real truth.

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This is what I would say, "So (your ex's name), you're invading parties now? What's next on your tour of destruction, weddings (or some other event)? Don't forget to bring your sword to Wife's place next Wednesday (or whatever day it is)

 

I disagree that the above implies 'hey it is no sweat off my back'. It implies that he DOES care and is TRYING to make it sound non chalant.

 

This type of reply is a bit adversarial and from what i gather they did not end their communications with snippiness or cattiness so I really don't encourage replying like that.

 

But of course it is up to the OP to choose what is best. I think a cordial short and to the point email will get the point accross the best and sound most like he isn't looking to hem and haw and toy with her.

 

I would send something such as "It really might make things uncomfortable for all involved if you are there. Since you are asking me directly if I think you should or should not go, with all due respect I would rather you did not, but will leave the final decision up to you".

 

That will send a clear message that he doesn't want her there and it doesn't sound like he is hurting or pining away for her either. This response also leaves it all up to her if she comes or not and if she does, she is the one who looks like the bad guy since he already said no but leaving it up to her.

 

Maybe I am more direct than some people and that is why i prefer no games and no dancing around the bush. I like to say clearly what I mean so the reader or listener is not left wondering what meaning there might be in my words other than what was said.

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jul-els:

 

By saying that, I'm sure could invoke a vague feeling, sure. But does that not also let her know in some way that now it doesn't matter what she does with respect to our social circle, my friends, our relationship (such as it is right now) etc? I want her back in my life, but not as a friend. And I do not want her to "steal" my friends away from me (And I know I'm being irrational, but it has happened before to many others before me and I feel as though it would ruin me mentally atm!). I do not want to be her doormat! She cannot walk back into my life and hang out with my friends and make me feel uncomfortable.

 

If that's the case then if I were in your position I just wouldn't respond and choose not to attend the party. You can always see your friends at a time when she won't be there. If you feel strongly about attending, then I think JadedStar has provided you with the best route to take here.

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I agree with some of the previous posters. The answer should be something like: Sure, no problem (and nothing else).

 

But that would be a lie as he stated he is very resentful of her wanting to steal his friends.

 

Why should he lie if he really DOES think it is a problem?

 

I think he shouldn't respond at all vs sending a message that isn't truthful.

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Jaded it depends what message he is trying to convey. He has indicated that he interested in reconnecting with her. The intent is to stir up sexual tension and by busting her chops he is doing that he is also making a joke to deflect from the awkwardness of the subject being broached.

 

Her e-mail was stiff and awkward so he's making it more jovial and friendly. Essentially he's saying I'm above acting afraid and submissive because that's what women do, men act and aren't concerned with such trivialities.

 

I would send something such as "It really might make things uncomfortable for all involved if you are there. Since you are asking me directly if I think you should or should not go, with all due respect I would rather you did not, but will leave the final decision up to you".

 

Jaded, I have to ask are you a male or a female because this response falls under something I would never send. Why?

 

You just spent two sentences saying absolutely nothing, not to mention being wishy washy and continuing on the awkward vibe of his ex-girlfriend's original e-mail.

 

I could break it down even further but no man worth a salt would say such things.

 

Using that response he might as well say, "I'm an emotional, needy, and clingy douchebag with no spine who wants to know if it would pleasing to your highness, despite being somewhat displeasing to me, to show up at the event on said evening."

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HOw was i saying absolutely nothing? that was a rude comment and not at all constructive to this thread. I am a female and I would be direct and say exactly what i wanted to say and ignroe these silly games some are suggestion. It doesn't say he is needy at all> It says "i would rather you didn't show up". If a man sent that message to me, and i was trying to toy with him after leaving him, i am giong to sit up and take notice that 'hey, he isn't screwing around with my head games anymore' and i would respect him far more than the first suggested response which suggests someone is TRYING to look non challant and failing.

 

Your last paragraph interpretation came out of YOUR own head.

 

No man would say it because most of them would spend hours trying to come up with some witty response in hopes of looking cool but would only result in her thinking 'wow he must have spent a ton of time trying to think up that response".

 

A person should say what they want to say. My respnose did just that. He already said he didn't want her to go. Why not tell her that? game playing is bs all the way around and some men think it makes them look cocky and unattainable but trust me, as a female i can tell you that is not what happens.

 

And with all due respect since he is sending this TO a female I might be able to better interpret how she would view this then you.

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Jaded,

 

I figured you were female. The reason I asked is that you told him to write something how you would say it which is fine except men don't and shouldn't speak like that, especially towards women where there is a romantic interest.

 

You even said what you wanted to convey was, "i would rather you didn't show up" and since you are a direct person then why wouldn't you just suggest that instead of a diluted wishy washy message which conveys a similar point but not as succintly or directly for that matter.

 

 

Do you know how long it took me to come up first choice response 10 seconds... hell it took longer for me to type.

 

You misread what he was saying what he said was, I don't want her there if she is going to steal my social network, but I am interested in my ex.

 

 

As far understanding better because you are female *buzzer* sorry you are wrong here and wrong by a long shot.

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My message said exactly that. He didn't want her there. But to be fair he was leaving it up to her, that way the ball was in her court if she wanted to still show up and look like an ass.

 

And we are BOTH giving opinions and there are no right or wrong answers, so I respectfully ask that you stop being rude. The OP can decide which method works best for him. Neither of us need to think for him we can only offer suggestions.

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Nice double standard you have there, Jaded. It's not ok for me to be rude yet it's ok for you be rude.

 

Gee, it 's wonder why we have 50%+ divorce rates when people don't accept reponsability for jack squat.

 

Hell, I don't even enjoy being rude but when someone has the audacity to accuse me of being rude while in turn saying nasty and spiteful things I guess it's party time

 

Unfortuantely, there are right and wrong ways of doing things in this area and had he done the correct things he wouldn't be in this position.

 

Sure, pestilence, why not follow along, do the same stuff, and continue to get squashed.

 

Take a woman's advice, don't get me wrong they do offer good advice at times, but other times just like most guys they don't have a clue ....

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She is not going to "steal" your friends. How would someone go about doing that anyway? That is a fantastic scenario being created by your own emotional attachment to the situation. It has no bearing on reality. I don't think you can tell her not to go as she was invited. I believe your choice of what to do hinges what you feel comfortable with. If you feel as though you want to try and mend ties-or even if you didn't-I would recommend you just acknowledge you will be there without feeding into any drama. You don't owe her any answers. Your intentions are no longer her concern at this point. But again, as I said before, if it were me I would just avoid the situation completely and spare myself the grief. But it's your call. Do what you think is best for you. Don't worry about her.

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Well guys I'm sorry I haven't replied in quick fashion. Over the weekend I had no access to the Internet and I've been busy with work since then.

 

I want to thank everyone so far for replying. I've been back and forth with myself and with family about this situation. My father says just to tell her that its no problem and both attend the party. My sister says to tell her "Why would it make me feel uncomfortable?" and just go.

 

So, one thing I didn't realize: The message my ex sent was over Facebook. When I logged into Facebook earlier today, I noticed that her profile picture had a guy in it - and she had her arm around him. I don't know whether or not she is seeing someone exclusively right now or just dating around. A few weeks ago when we bumped into each other and spoke for about 20 minutes at the gym, she had mentioned that she wasn't going to be bringing anyone except her girlfriend to her own brother's wedding in July. So something may have changed since that run-in!

 

How does that affect my subsequent action on this matter?

 

About the social network/circle of friends issue: While I agree that she isn't going to "steal" my friends away, what I fear is that she starts to hang out with everyone of my friends (and in this specific case, my friend's wife) and I start to become uncomfortable with the situation because now I have to see my ex-girlfriend in a "friendly" type of situation (without my being "friends" with her at the moment). I would become so uncomfortable I would resent her presence and soon not be so close to the circle of friends who thought I was an important part of their life (because they think I should put the water under the bridge after so long)?

 

How can I deal with this? How do you deal with someone who still wants to be friends or in the same social circle as you even when they decided to leave you (and your friends) behind?

 

About the current girlfriend: I'm quite sure my feelings would be much different if I didn't hear from my ex every now and again. I'm also certain that I should not have viewed this situation as a race to pick up a new girlfriend. I did and she did and I'm sure we both learned lessons from this. And I am going to try not to let this situation with the ex affect my decision to see my current girl too much. I think we'll both (my gf and I) go to the party. I'm just sad it's over for the time being and to be honest I wish it were the reverse - that my ex and I could reconcile!

 

I'm also going to re-evaluate myself and my social circle so that I don't become lonely just because I'm not dating anyone. I don't know how, and tips would be appreciated. Being lonely got me to where I am in the first place with my current girl. I just don't feel 100% with her because of the circumstances under which we started to date. This may change, with what I don't know - help!

 

Choices as per The_411:

 

1. How do I pull off cocky/funny with this e-mail and if/when she brings her boyfriend to this party (assuming she's dating) and not go into a funk or keep staring at her the entire time?

 

2. Wouldn't no response just be rude? What is everyone's opinion regarding just staying silent period about this email? What do I say in person if I bump into her before and during the party about this (if I don't answer)?

 

3. Saying "sure/fine/whatever" - isn't this giving her power? Or is it showing my confidence in that I don't care one way or the other?

 

JadedStar: I could say it makes me uncomfortable. But might this not further an idea that I might be still bitter and "Why won't he learn to get over it?" How can I counter-act this feeling? I do not want my friends to start picking her over me because of my poor attitude - I do think there is a time where my friends would understand my heartache, but given enough time they would assume I'm OK with it (and at least trying to move on). I mean, I moved on when I found out Santa wasn't real, so this (while a bit heavier in feeling!) is somewhat the same, no?

 

jul-els:

 

I do want to attend the party, but at most I do not want to come off as fake and I also do not want to come off as desperate! Why let her stop me from going? I think my friends would have something to say if I didn't go because of her.

 

 

hike14: Does a simple straight forward answer such as yours lend to her releasing her guilt Scot-free? I don't want my respond to allow her to forget what she did or forget that I am human, have feelings, are entitled to those feelings and again, most of all I do not want her to start thinking of me as a doormat because of my response.

 

Do I have a chance or a course of action I could go with in hopes of reconciliation at this point? Even if it's long term? I know I should butt out of her relationship and let it run its course as it does and not get in the way.

 

Please reply with anything if you think it may benefit me or others here! Everyone has been great and I need all the direction and practical advice I can get!

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1. How do I pull off cocky/funny with this e-mail and if/when she brings her boyfriend to this party (assuming she's dating) and not go into a funk or keep staring at her the entire time?

 

You shouldn't worry about being entertaining in your e-mail. Just be cordial and leave it at that without giving too much away. The way not to stare or be in a funk is through exercising self-control.

 

2. Wouldn't no response just be rude? What is everyone's opinion regarding just staying silent period about this email? What do I say in person if I bump into her before and during the party about this (if I don't answer)?

 

No response wouldn't be rude. You're not obligated to reply. Whatever you choose to do either way, you should accept your choice and then forget about it.

 

3. Saying "sure/fine/whatever" - isn't this giving her power? Or is it showing my confidence in that I don't care one way or the other?

 

It has exactly whatever significance you attach to it. You will never read her mind so there's no point in continuing to turn it over in your own head.

 

jul-els:

I do want to attend the party, but at most I do not want to come off as fake and I also do not want to come off as desperate! Why let her stop me from going? I think my friends would have something to say if I didn't go because of her.

 

Then just take a deep breath, relax, and go to the party and have a good time. This is part of moving on.

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I mailed something similar to the following:

 

I appreciate you asking. Why would I find it uncomfortable if you came to the party?

 

See you.

 

-Me

 

 

Would anyone be able to give me some insight as to how this might be read by her? Give me some tips about what to do in between now and then and perhaps while at the party, to at the very least keep me out of the friendzone and me somewhat attractive/mysterious/etc?

 

Thanks!

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Just play it cool. Don't let any of these concerns you're having show outwardly. The way to do that is to stop worrying about what she might think. Let go of any preconceived notions of any particular outcomes or scenarios. Just take it as it comes.

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The party is taking place the second week of May. I know it's a long time until then. A lot can happen. I could end up seeing her at the gym again - this is highly probable. I think we each attempt to go 3 times a week like clockwork.

 

I don't know for sure if she's seeing anyone or dating or not at all. She does have a picture of her and a guy on Facebook. That could mean anything (although honestly it's driving me insane)!

 

I keep going over her request in my mind. I justify my situation by telling myself she is just being selfish in asking if it was alright with me.

 

A part of me thinks that she is doing it just to let me know she'll be there (and if there is a guy involved).

 

A part of me thinks that now she's dating someone she can show up to these theme parties (since we've broken up this same husband-wife couple have invited each of us to 2 of their parties, and only my current-girlfriend and I have shown up) and save some face.

 

A part of me thinks she's doing this to see how I am in general, how I am in public with my current girl, or how she compares with my current girl.

 

A part of me is very paranoid that I'll be so uncomfortable I will recind my attendance before the party, during, or recind my overall existence with my circle of friends because I become uncomfortable.

 

She hasn't expressed any interest in reconciling. This I must take as the only sure thing that I know at this point.

 

I have not received any reply to my curt message from above in this thread (I don't expect to).

 

A bunch of my friends, including this particular husband-and-wife and I went out for drinks on the weekend. I was relieved and surprised that my ex-gf hadn't shown up - my current girl said that she would have to have balls of steel to show up with *my* friends. No one spoke of her the entire night. I certainly did not.

 

Coincidentally, while I was driving to my howntown this weekend with my current girl, we passed my ex-gf on the highway! I waved as I passed. I couldn't tell if she acknowledged my attempt at friendliness as I did so.

 

I keep going back and forth with my feelings with the current girl because my ex is not out of my life. I know she isn't going to steal my friends, but I cannot be made to feel awkward around them - my ex will win that battle if I show it! Why can't she just stay the hell away if she didn't want to be in my life? I'm not good friends with the wife, but I would hate the friendship I have with the husband.

 

I don't want to speak up very often as I do not want my girl or my ex to claw at any little tidbit of information that would make me look weak, but I feel if I keep quiet my ex won't realize what she has been missing!

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Bold #1: Whoa man, you shouldn't know that. You're setting yourself up for failure, or at least elongated state of misery if you have access to those things. I'm not saying delete yours or hers or block her, I didn't go that route, I just didn't look at it. Seriously. For 2 months, I didnt even look at it, ignored the newsfeed. Eventually for some reason her and her friend deleted me. lol.

 

Bold #2: that is key. It does not mean nothing will ever happen again. But i promise you if you're okay if it never does, you will better prepared to take on whatever turn this may take.

 

I do understand how you're feeling, and that a part of you feelings this way and the other feels that way. And I tell you this out of complete understanding that its not as easy as said then done in the midst of conflicting feelings, as well as it being something you don't want to hear: Don't think about whys doing it. Who cares. Honestly. You might care, but why do you care so much why someone who is no longer interested being romantically involved with you is doing this and that? Now if you want to keep her around as a friend, well then thats a differnet story, then you might care, but to me, you're not even in a position to make a friendship actually work because you still have feelings for her, and there is nothing wrong with that. Thats why majority of the people on here don't actually remain friends, real true friends after their breakup, because their feelings for the other person are too strong and they would be too hurt in the long run.

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