When do the head & the heart start signaling the same message?

[Aeryn]

What the title says. And yes, I'm sorry to keep posting so many things on here asking for advice...but I also know my friends and family are tired of hearing about things

 

It's been three weeks since my ex of almost two years broke up with me though. My head and heart are just the opposite of each other though. What they're telling me is:

 

Head It was never meant to be. He will come back around eventually.

Heart It was meant to be. He will never come back.

 

Seems kind of weird though. Shouldn't the "it was never meant to be" and the "he will never come back" be in the same group?

 

 

I am coping with this to an extent. But gosh, how I'd give anything for one more chance with him. One more chance to show him that the only reason we really got into all those silly arguments was BECAUSE I wanted a little bit more independence, and I wanted him to have more independence. And I just wanted to be shown a little bit more affection when we were together...

 

But I guess I've got to accept the fact that it will not happen. He's gone, and I just need to keep in NC...and move on to find myself, and eventually find the guy who was/is right for me...

[stickman]

It takes a good month or so for high anxiety to defuse.

 

If there is love between the two of you...and you are quality people anything can happen.

 

"Head It was never meant to be. He will come back around eventually.

Heart It was meant to be. He will never come back. "

 

It is ok to have these thoughts provided that they don't consume your every waking moment. You still need more time apart to figure out what is best for YOU. In the meantime, you need to get busy doing other things.

 

He may or may not come back. If he does, great...then you will both be able to bring something back into the relationship. You will have learned a little more about him and more importantly...learned much more about yourself! That is why we need interdependence...and not dependent on our partner for our happiness.

 

If he does not come back around...good! Then that shows you that he was not able to provide you with what you need and value! YOU value and need to be shown "affection". YOU "need independence". You are already far ahead of the game here. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANT. Perfect.

 

It MUST be free will. The fire MUST come from within HIM. YOU can't light the fire and motivate him.

 

You are smart!! You will find the right fit because you already know what you want.

[Aeryn]

Stickman,

 

Thanks for the advice and kind words.

 

These thoughts do not consume my every waking moment, no. (I'll admit that maybe they did during the first 1.5-2 weeks into the breakup, but not anymore). They are just occasional thoughts.

 

I've done quite a bit since the breakup, I think. I've gone to counseling, I've done more with friends and family this past week, I've gotten out on my own to do things that I wanted, and I've dramatically increased my test grades since the split.

 

I'm split down the middle. I know I'm best off without him, because I can finally have my independence and my school work/tests are much better. But I know I'm best of with him because I do love him, and I think that those things could be worked on if we were in a relationship again.

 

The only other thing I wish he would have realized is...he's 21, but he has ALWAYS (since we've dated) acted like he was 10. Why couldn't he at least act like an 18 year old?

[ratfreak]

 

Head It was never meant to be. He will come back around eventually.

Heart It was meant to be. He will never come back.

 

 

 

 

I'm in a similar spot.

 

To start, I thought He never wanted me and we're done but my heart still wants him and hoped he'd come back then I thought well if he never wanted me I shouldn't want him back.

 

It's been 5 weeks now and we've seen eachother 3 times since [we still had some concert tickets]

 

The more I think about it, my heart wants him back more and more but my head says he won't be back... because he's made up him mind...

[stickman]

Look...I am 44 and act like I am a 10 year old at times...so I can totally relate. I love to make people laugh!!! I just can't help it. My daughter's say that I act younger than them sometimes. But then I can be the total responsible manager-type guy with authority over many. I am two different people in one. But, it took me 44 years to realize THAT IS OK...because it's ok to be just the way I am...and He is the way he is. He may grow out of it. He may not. He may just be wired differently.

 

But ... you know what you need and that is most important here. You can't change him. Many a woman has tried to change their man and ended up being miserable. The man ends up being just as miserable because she is never happy either. He wants to change...but he can't. And the reverse....blah blah blah...

 

You are young, there is so much life ahead of you. You have a good head on your shoulders and will do well...but you already knew that.

 

Smile and relax....life is too short.

[Aeryn]

I didn't mean it that way. I think it's perfectly OK if you want to act like a kid at times and have fun with your children--as long as you know where to draw the line.

 

However, with my ex, it just got to the point where EVERY time I wanted to say something serious, he would make a joke out of it and think I'm just trying to play games or something. He would constantly walk around campus and make fun of certain people (I recall one incident where he started laughing at a girl who was a bit on the chubby side), and when I told him that was rude and not to do it, he just would laugh and say nobody cares.

 

And at school. Fridays, I was done with classes at 10:50. However, he had a break from 10:50-1:00, about two hours, in which he wanted me to stay up there with him that two hours so he would have someone to eat lunch with, someone to walk him, etc. He was very clingy, and I got no space on Friday's. It was like I was a mom walking her four-year-old son to his first day of preschool.

 

There were other things, but these stood out the most. They were things that were not funny to me, and many other people probably.

[stickman]

You are right.

 

He may still just have the high school mentality. He is immature and sounds like he just needs to grow up.