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Why i am spektical about NC!


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Listen, I know it doesn't sound logical to you since you're the dumpee. I am also a dumpee (we broke up 3 weeks ago). I kept in contact with my ex and the ex kept in contact with me because we were eachother's best friend and we didn't want to lose that. I finally came to the realization that contact was just helping my ex through the breakup, while it was delaying my healing. YOU HAVE TO LET GO. I know it's hard and it will torment you. I'm on day 5 of NC right now and it was the hardest thing ever to tell my ex that we couldn't talk anymore and that I'd be in touch when I was ready. It's scary. It's terrifying. It's soul-shattering. I know. I'm there. But you MUST DO IT. Any "good" feeling you give your ex right now, she's going to attribute to the new guy. There's a reason NC works the way it does. I mean just read all of the threads on this board about it. I know your heart wants nothing more than to stay in her life right now, but you need to follow your head right now. As others have said, you contacting her IS NOT going to make her have an epiphany and leave the new guy and get back together with you. If she is going to end up happy with this new guy, there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING you can do about that.

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Well, it's not for everyone


But, at the end of the day you can't dictate how she feels, and if she meets someone she likes then no amount of contact from you is likely to change that.


Id have to agree here. I'm going through the same thing and really there is nothing you can do. I too hate feeling powerless but it is truly a situation where you have to let go and not be so dependent on the outcome.


Try and think of it in a way that says hey, me stepping aside and letting her go shows her you love her enough to respect her decision and that itll most likely help you in the long run. WE all want instant gratification...doesn't happen

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She can't miss you if you're there all the time. If she likes someone else and you try to interfere, then she will be more convinced that you don't respect her and that she made the right decision. Your situation will just get worse and worse.


You've already been lowered in her eyes (she broke with you, right?), so how do you think she will feel if you try to "prove" you are better than the other guy or if you try to convince her that the other guy is no good? Your actions will simply be weaved into her already diminishing perception of the kind of person you are, and you will discarded.


Another possibility is that you will try to tag along as a friend. Then, she will have a new guy and you at the same time. The new guy will help her to get over you and to avoid her loneliness, and then she will relegate you to a friend. Once the new guy complains that she shouldn't be hanging around with her ex, she'll again discard you and you will crawl into a corner in the fetal position.


You would do yourself such a favor to totally her accept her decision, let her know that you accept it, let her go with love and no fighting or animosity, then remind her that being friends won't work because it would get in the way of healing and moving on. Then, you disappear off the face of the planet and focus on yourself again.


When you let some go with LOVE, what better to show them that you really love them? You love that person so much that you will totally respect her choice and let her have her freedom and space. What greater gesture of love is there when you give up somebody you love in order to respect HER needs? It's not easy to do that, but once you understand it, you will realize that it is the only choice. And, you actually let her know -- you talk about closure, and how you totally accept her decision and you let her go with love.


Fighting for your love when someone has discarded you, in this manner, is a romantic fantasy that doesn't work except in Hollywood movies.


But, do what you must. Just remember, that in this emotional state, the right things to do are usually the opposite of what your instincts are telling you right now.

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I feel the exact same way.... I just posted about this. My girlfriend of 2 years up and left for a new guy. Yeah, we were going through a funk the last 3-4 weeks... but still, thats a big shock to someone. Since then, she would also keep in contact and even meet up with me at a bar and try to hang out. Hell, she even cheated on this guy 3-4 times with me.


The more I stayed in the picture... the more she felt comfortable with the new guy. Being there allows her to ween herself off of you and transition into the new thing in an easier fashion. She went from... He is nice but I don't think I could stay with him to I REALLY like him, etc.


Maybe its too late... but I need to get out while I can and before it hurts anymore.


As much as it hurts, if she falls in love with someone else... its going to happen with or without you in the picture... you being there only helps her get over you. You need to take away her security net and see if she still feels the same way about this guy. She can't miss what she hasnt lost... so far, you lost her and not the other way around.


I am going to update my journal and see how my thing goes.


I am thinking about very LC. As in, let her pursue me if she wants... but she needs to earn her way back in. As much as I am in love with her right now, I need to be a MAN. Would James Bond or Clint Eastwood stay in contact witha girl like this... nope. Time for us to be MEN.

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Trust me: it doesn't matter if you are still in the picture, if she wants to be with this new guy, she will. Actually, in the long run, the more you stay in contact the more likely she will stay with the new guy because you give her the security she needs to pursue someone else.


I was the dumper so I did A LOT of pursuing last year when I wanted my ex back, and well, after we did get back but things didn't work out, I realized no matter how much we thinking NC will just bring them closer to the other person, this is actually the opposite. NC is the only chance we get to heal and to make our exes realize that we don't need them.


I do think after 1-2 months you could try LC. However, the first 2-3 months NC is pivotal!!!

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Do you want to be a choice? No one should be a choice. Either she wants to be with you or not. Say you get her away from the other guy and are together for a while. What happens the next time there is a rough patch and she starts talking to someone new? At this stage it shouldn't be a competition like two guys hitting on the same girl at a bar.

NC is for your healing not to make someone miss you so they will want you back. If you want to fight to win her back then do so. If you want to heal so you can get on with your life then NC is what you should do.



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She is "talking" to another guy and i feel like if i am not in the picture she is going to lean more towards him and i will lose her!

Dude, it simply doesn't work that way. If you force yourself to stay 'in the picture', you'll push her further away. NC or not, you need to take a deep breath and back off.

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Look at it this way.


NC makes you look self assured.

NC makes you look un-needy

NC gets you respect

NC makes you look ice cool.


The only problem is that you won't know its having these effects on your ex because you're, well, in NC!!

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