New to the Forum: My Story

[brahmana]

Wow. Am I glad I found this forum!! I found it by just googling how to deal with a breakup. It is encouraging that I can talk to people who are going through the same stuff; my few friends are great, but its hard not talking to people who can really relate....

 

My story. I'm 31 years old and my seven year relationship with my girlfriend has come to a sudden end, and I am reeling from it.

 

We had been living together for about five years, and I was planning on proposing to her this year. I THOUGHT that things were going well, but all of a sudden it went downhill rapidly.

 

This story has much to do with alcoholism, as, her entire family are alcoholics who view their activities as 'normalcy'. My ex drank way too much herself, often 3 or 4 times a week. But she had a degree of control. But then her mother and her step father both lost their jobs and their house; and this financial disaster led to them moving in with her sister for the time being. As soon as they got here, the drinking got out of control. I found myself going to bars with all of them several times a week, and while I myself like to go out and have a good time, this got to be too much. It was effecting my health and my job. So, I stopped going. The result was that my ex started to resent me for not going. When I would be at home watching tv or whatever, and she was going to go out with them, she was calling me 'lazy' and a 'bore' and that I was 'always sitting on the couch.' It really hurt me; but I just kept dealing with it....

 

But then, as I would no longer go out with her, she started looking for replacements. She started taking up with a crowd of her co workers that are all much younger than her, in their early twenties, some of them even underage. At first I didn't mind her going out because I thought, well, at least maybe she won't resent me as much because she has more options. However, it wasn't long before she stopped coming home altogether. Night after night, she would go out with these people, and I would never see her, often, for days at a time. At first she would call and say she was too drunk to drive home. Then the calls stopped too. She also would not respond to my calls or texts. I was worried about her. And it was at this point too that I began to suspect she was cheating on me. I'll never forget this one week, where, she had gone out every single night that week, never coming home, and that Thursday, when I came home from work she was actually there. I was stunned, absolutely stunned that she was home! Then she told me that her mom and step dad wanted to have a drink with us both. THAT was why she was home. The rest of the week: didn't see her again.

 

So one of her 'friends', a twenty year old, got a dui, and was thrown out of his mother's house. Well, guess where he ended up? At our place. So one night I sat up with them awhile, drinking with them, and then I went to bed because I had to work the next day. Later that night, the music seemed really loud, so I went downstairs to ask if they could turn the volume down. There was no one in the house. A sick feeling welled up inside me. Now what? I went outside the apartment, to find them both in her car, and he was on top of her. On top of her! Seven years! Now, they were not doing anything....yet....I caught them pre act. I should have waited to see what would happen next, but instead, I foolishly went over to the car and just said "so you're cheating on me now." went inside, sat down and had a cigarette. When she came in the house she denied it up one side and down the other, her explanation, was that he was drunk and was afraid to open the door on his side because the car was parked too close. Heh. So she went upstairs saying she couldn't deal with how 'posessive' I was being and was packing her things. Well, he came in there, and I asked him what was going on. His response was 'well what did she tell you?' Wow. Then they left.

 

That is, until later the next day when he and his mom got into a huge fight and she apparently was throwing his stuff out onto the lawn. So, even though I refused it, she brought him to stay with us. She and he both denied what happened the night before then, were trying to apologize, probably just to appease me. But I felt like a prisoner in my own apartment. They were going out, coming home, watching movies together, whatever, and my ex was ignoring me completely, saying she needed space.

 

So it all finally blew up when one night they came home drunk, and to my surprise they wanted me to hang out. Well, I asked about the bar they went to, just trying to make pleasent conversation, and when they told me about it, I remarked, again, just being nice, that it sounded like a cool place, and I'd like to check it out sometime. Her response to that was this angry "Well not with us you aren't!! If you go there you're going by yourself!!" I said very calmly, why are you talking to me like that? I was just making conversation. It escalated into a horrible argument that finally ended up with her screaming at me to get out. I went to stay with my parents, and have been since. I have an apartment of my own now that I'm setting up and am in the process of moving in to.

 

And I have tried multiple times to try to work things out with her, but she seemingly wants nothing to do with it. She has been mean and nasty sometimes, other times she is nice, but telling me I should move on and see other people. This was the girl I wanted to marry. I love her. I still do, despite all this nonsense. She has had personal problems, I think, like the death of her actual father last year, and problems at work that have led to this alcoholism. This girl, now, is not the woman I fell in love with all those years ago. Its like she is a stranger. To herself, to me, to her real friends, and even to her family, who love me, and also think this is insane. This was all like a bomb just went off.

 

And now I'm just lost and broken. Sometimes I feel well, like I'm ready to move on, that I'm better off, but then other times I just sink into this pit where I start thinking....what did I do wrong? That stupid twenty year old is still there, too. They are together all the time. She won't admit to anyone, me, or her own family whether she is seeing him or not. Her mom told me their relationship is very strained because they all told that kid off, that they should back off so we can work things out, well, they stormed out of there. I don't know what has happened since. That was a few weeks ago. Should I even care?

 

The woman I fell in love with, who has always had too much of a tendency to drink, has turned into a full blown alcoholic overnight, and has cast me aside....throwing away what was once a wonderful relationship. I just don't know what to do. I'm about to move into this new apt., part of me is excited, and part of me is dreading it, like being alone now, when I am so used to always being with her, and sliding into some hellish depression. Only my faith keeps me going, right now.

 

Sorry for the long post, but, as it stands, I have very few people here I can talk to, as most of my friends were her friends too, so that's just a mess, and my personal friends are there for me, but I want to talk to people who are going through this stuff. Thank God I found this site. What do you all think? I look forward to any replies, and, you'll be seeing a lot of me on here lol

[dreamwarrior]

My ex's poison was drugs...been there done that already....not fun living with someone like that. I still care about him alot, but I cannot live or marry a man with a drug problem...even if he would become clean and sober I would always worry when the bomb was going to drop and start him up on drugs all over again...nope...cannot take chances with my future or my health.

 

Read my first post and you will know that for sure I am someone who understands very well what your going through.

[d24]

That's awful, from what i've read i'm sure we can all agree you're better off without her - but that really doesn't make it any easier does it? Try to limit your contact and try to avoid her. Well I mean... that shouldn't be too hard considering she's been avoiding you these past months......

 

Deep breath, sort yourself out and move on.... it's not a healthy relationship nor something you should be trying to persue any further. Best of luck man.

[angellight]

Wow...I am so sorry you have to go through this....She is an alcoholic....She is an addict....Nothing is important to her except her drug of choice and the people who will allow her to behave this way and make her feel it is normal...Maybe you should try going to a couple al-anon meetings..You will meet other people who are in the same boat as you and help you to understand and heal...You did not do anything wrong..You are not responsible for her behavior or the ending of your relationship...You cannot help her, she needs to realize she has a problem and seek help on her own...Again, sorry you have to go through this...

[Pixiedoc]

Wow...I am so sorry you have to go through this....She is an alcoholic....She is an addict....Nothing is important to her except her drug of choice and the people who will allow her to behave this way and make her feel it is normal...Maybe you should try going to a couple al-anon meetings..You will meet other people who are in the same boat as you and help you to understand and heal...You did not do anything wrong..You are not responsible for her behavior or the ending of your relationship...You cannot help her, she needs to realize she has a problem and seek help on her own...Again, sorry you have to go through this...[/quote

 

Totally agree. She has made irresponsible choices whilst you have made sensible ones and been punished for them. I find it hard to believe you could have been so patient and understanding with her whilst being treated the way you were. Well done for maintaining your morals and integrity

 

See your new apartment as the first day of the rest of your life. She is NOT the person she once was, as she seems to have let alcohol become the most important thing in her life. There is NOTHING you can do about that, she will have to deal with it herself and make her own choices.

 

I hope it all works out for you and best wishes.

[brahmana]

Thank you for the kind replies so far...I appreciate them.

 

What makes this so difficult for me, and, I know this is bad, but thinking about all the good times. I mean, this tendency was always there, and then it all just blew up in my face. Until recently we had a good relationship, I loved her deeply and I really did want to marry her. Deep down, I know I am better off, I didn't want that lifestyle...but its so hard because I keep going through these conflicted emotions. One moment I'm fine, feeling I am better, then the next, I'm depressed as hell and wishing I could just see her or talk to her. I don't. You guys are right. I've only talked to her when necessary, like getting my stuff out of the place, and lastly what I have to do, is downloading all my stuff from our old PC. But I haven't been calling or texting her. I have been avoiding her. I miss her. You know, the her BEFORE all of this, the way it WAS. I hate who she's become. She, as you guys have said, is just looking for people who condone the behavior.

 

And its a hard road. Because, the other thing is, this kid who is living with her now makes it easier for her. She constantly has someone around, to do things with, and take her mind off of me and the relationship. She escapes. That's what she always does. I know beyond any doubt that if she were by herself, things would be different. In reality, she is a weaker person who avoids herself and her own thoughts, forsaking it for constant activity. She doesn't have to dwell on me at all. I am probably already nothing more than a flickering thought or two here and there. It pains me to know that I am reduced to this in the mind of someone I have spent the last 7 years of my life with.

 

So my road, while it is the TRUE road, for getting over someone, by reflection, and going through the whole grief process, I must do it alone. She has the quick fix easy way out in him, and I have the difficult long journey. And its been a constant battle. Sometimes I'm ready for a new life, other times I'm so depressed I can hardly think straight.

[dreamwarrior]

The difficult and long journey is the strong journey!