Afraid I'm pushing her away- Well now she's finally broken up with me

[TryingHard]

I originally posted the following two days ago when we were still together. She broke up with me tonight. I'm devastated and feel completely alone:

 

"Hello all,

This is my first post, sorry if it's a little lengthy.

 

I've recently moved to a new state to complete a one year advanced degree in my field. While studying here, I met an amazing woman and we've been dating for about 6 months now. She is also about to graduate here in May when I am.

 

I have always planned on moving back to my home state and fulfilling alot of my dreams. She has always planned on working for her parents in this state and feels like it would hurt her parents if she moved away. Needless to say, we got into alot of arguments about it. Neither of us want to do long distance.

 

After a fight where she was going to break up with me, I told her that I have been interviewing in her future city so that we can have hope. It's way to early for us to talk marriage, but I figured by moving to her city we could have hope. Meanwhile, an amazing opportunity presented itself in my home city. I'm willing to pass up this opportunity to be with her. She's everything I want. I'm 27 and can see myself with her forever. She's only 25. We spend every night together..not only because I want to, but because she wants to also.

 

Still, every now and then, I feel like she's moving home and if I come that's cool. If not, that's cool too. I feel like a second thought. I admit I even view small things that she does (i.e. she calls to tells me she's going out to happy hour with the girls) as neglecting me.

 

I told her a few months ago that I want nothing more than to travel with her when we finish our programs. I told her I've always put of traveling to do it with someone special. She told me she's going on a girls only trip with her classmates since she's known them for years and we only just started dating 6 months ago. That hurt my feelings- because in the back of my mind I feel like I'm about to pass up a great opportunity just to have an opportunity with this girl.

 

Awhile back after a night of drinking, when we were only dating for about 2 months she told me how she wanted to marry me and how she wanted to have kids with me. Before I told her I would move to her city, she used to get upset and the thought of us having to go our separate ways at the end of our programs. But now that she knows that I will pass up my opportunity back home to be with her, she is getting scared.

 

Granted, we've had some big fights in the past 2 months. Hopefully they are because I have been stressed trying to find a job in her city.

 

Today she told me- I'm scared to death of you moving with me. I'm scared you're going to pass up a great opportunity and will resent me. I'm not ready to get married. I'm not ready for this commitment.

 

I told her I'm not ready to get married either, but hoped by moving with her we could get to know each other better and have a chance.

 

I wish I could get her back to the mindset of wanting to be with me. I'm afraid I've caused too many petty fights worrying about the future that have ruined our current situation. I guess I've been clingy.

 

Can anyone share some insight or give some tips on how to make her fall for me again? "

 

I was sleepless all night last night and at work today because I was just hoping for her to ask me to come with her. We got into a petty argument today and she used it to get out. She told me to she wants to me to move back home. I'm heartbroken. We basically went over all our grievances from our relationship then. The worst part is, I asked her if hypothetically we were both going to be in this current city for another year would we be breaking up right now? She said no, probably not.

 

I feel like I put all the effort in and she's still the one that gets to kick me to the curb. Now I'm stuck in this big city hundreds of miles from all of my friends and family until my program ends in 3 months. I'm afraid I don't have the strength for this..how can I heal?

[TryingHard]

The part that gets me the most is that I haven't done anything that would warrant breaking up.

 

But the arguments that I have started have given her so much reason to pause she doesn't want me to move with her to her future city.

 

Ironically, I have no desire to go back to my hometown at the end of my program now. I just want to be with her.

[TryingHard]

I'm overwhelmed by the thought that she'll be moving home in 2 months.

 

And then I won't ever see her again.

[ToodlePip]

we've been dating for about 6 months now.

 

Not much, and roughly honeymoon period.

 

She is also about to graduate here in May when I am.

 

Whole life ahead of her, just like you. So many choices!

 

I have always planned on moving back to my home state and fulfilling alot of my dreams. She has always planned on working for her parents in this state and feels like it would hurt her parents if she moved away. Needless to say, we got into alot of arguments about it. Neither of us want to do long distance.

 

Arguments grind one down over time, and eventually regardless of any action, they cause a rift that can't be fixed.

 

We spend every night together..not only because I want to, but because she wants to also.

 

Red flag. Never spend all your time with someone.

 

I feel like a second thought.

 

Not good. Your insecurity, or her behaviour?

 

She told me she's going on a girls only trip with her classmates since she's known them for years and we only just started dating 6 months ago.

 

Why should you pass up an opportunity when she's not making any sacrifices for you. It works both ways. She doesn't give me the impression she is that into you for the long haul.

 

Awhile back after a night of drinking, when we were only dating for about 2 months she told me how she wanted to marry me and how she wanted to have kids with me.

 

Second red flag - way too soon, and said whilst drunk.

 

Before I told her I would move to her city, she used to get upset and the thought of us having to go our separate ways at the end of our programs. But now that she knows that I will pass up my opportunity back home to be with her, she is getting scared.

 

Not surprised, she obviously was just making a drunken comment.

 

Today she told me- I'm scared to death of you moving with me. I'm scared you're going to pass up a great opportunity and will resent me. I'm not ready to get married. I'm not ready for this commitment.

 

She's not on the same page as you. No point rationalising - if she was into you, she'd not be putting up so many roadblocks.

 

Can anyone share some insight or give some tips on how to make her fall for me again?

 

I'd just live your life, go NC, and pull away. She doesn't want to be with you right now. Don't regret not doing the things you wanted to do while you were young, especially for someone who won't make the same sacrifice.

 

The worst part is, I asked her if hypothetically we were both going to be in this current city for another year would we be breaking up right now? She said no, probably not.

 

I think this is just a crumb - I wouldn't believe it. I bet you if you said yeah I'll stay, she'll find some other excuse.

 

I feel like I put all the effort in and she's still the one that gets to kick me to the curb. Now I'm stuck in this big city hundreds of miles from all of my friends and family until my program ends in 3 months. I'm afraid I don't have the strength for this..how can I heal?

 

I feel for you dude, been in that situation. Unfortunately you just need to pick up the pieces, come up with a plan FOR YOU and you only. Maybe she'll have second thoughts during some NC.

[waveseer]

I agree with ToodlePip completely, well said.

[TryingHard]

I agree that NC is a great opportunity to heal. Unfortunately, she graduates and leaves at the end of May. I leave here at the end of June. Not too mention she will be making housing arrangements, etc in the meantime. Extended NC will just be a transition for her into her new life without me.

 

The only reason I think I'd ever see her again is because I have a few of her possessions and she may have one or two of mine. I know it's just an excuse to see her. When should I exchange that with her? Obviously, seeing her I will only have hope that maybe we can start a dialogue. Should I email her any thoughts since the break-up is fresh? I'm terrified right now and didn't sleep at all last night.

[ToodlePip]

Extended NC will just be a transition for her into her new life without me.

 

So? It'll happen regardless if that's what she wants. You're clutching at straws right now and not only will any of the "games" you describe slow your healing, they will also probably remove ANY chance of her reconsidering. She's 99% gone. Friendship may come later, but you need to plan your life and live it starting today without her.

 

PS: Sorry, I've just noticed I'm being very to the point today, more so than usual. I know this is really hard to grasp right now, and I sympathise with the lack of sleep. But you have to realise that right now you can't do anything to get her back, and she'll see right through anything you do. So go NC and do nothing. I recommend spending some time reading stories here - really helped convince me it was the best option.

[TryingHard]

So? It'll happen regardless if that's what she wants. You're clutching at straws right now and not only will any of the "games" you describe slow your healing, they will also probably remove ANY chance of her reconsidering. She's 99% gone. Friendship may come later, but you need to plan your life and live it starting today without her.

 

PS: Sorry, I've just noticed I'm being very to the point today, more so than usual. I know this is really hard to grasp right now, and I sympathise with the lack of sleep. But you have to realise that right now you can't do anything to get her back, and she'll see right through anything you do. So go NC and do nothing. I recommend spending some time reading stories here - really helped convince me it was the best option.

 

I guess I am grasping at straws. I asked her if we were going to be in this same city for another year would we be breaking up? She said probably not.

 

It's almost like we've both been on pins and needles regarding the future that we ruined the present, I'm especially guilty of this. If we had just come up with a plan and had said this is what we're going to do then everything would have been a lot better. The worrying about the uncertainty would be gone.

 

Everything in me says go over there this afternoon after work and tell her- I'm taking the job in her city. There is no more uncertainty. I'm going to do it. Forget about any stress you've had worrying about our future too. Now let's go back to how we were.

 

 

Also, it's ok that you've been straight to the point. I'm sure I come accross as a spoiled brat that is trying to get his way. I love this girl and can't help but think that once this issue is over we will eventually be able to look back and be glad we took the chance.

[ToodlePip]

It's almost like we've both been on pins and needles regarding the future that we ruined the present,

 

I've been guilty of this. I've had the line "we're existing but not living" thrown at me a couple of times.

 

Everything in me says go over there this afternoon after work and tell her- I'm taking the job in her city. There is no more uncertainty. I'm going to do it. Forget about any stress you've had worrying about our future too. Now let's go back to how we were.

 

Bottom line is you need to do what you feel you need to do. If you would regret doing this, then go for it and keep us posted. Anything we say is essentially just advice - every situation is different.

 

 

Also, it's ok that you've been straight to the point. I'm sure I come accross as a spoiled brat that is trying to get his way.

 

No more than any of us

[TryingHard]

Thank you so much for being here. I'm sure the people on this site don't get thanked enough.

 

I've felt cold, hungry, tired, alone, and have an overwhelming feeling to throw up too.

 

Yall's insight and caring has helped. I will keep yall posted. I'm 80% sure she has already hit the 'this relationship is over and there is nothing you can say to change my mind' state. I would regret it forever if I didn't try though.

[ToodlePip]

The physical symptoms are normal. Get some multivitamins, drink juice, try and eat something. My ex lived with me for a couple of weeks after we broke up. I put on a brave face, did what people here said, kept my cool etc. The day she moved out, my whole body literally collapsed. I was getting shivers, basically came down with something. My immune system was shot from stress. Look after yourself dude.

[ratfreak]

The day she moved out, my whole body literally collapsed. I was getting shivers, basically came down with something. My immune system was shot from stress.

 

Same things happened to me after the last breakup.

Couldn't sit still for even a minute, had horrible shivers, and whatever I did eat make me sick and would come up again. Coudn't sleep and I'm still so tired even though it's been 5 weeks now.

 

Make sure you eat and sleep if it means forcing yourself to do it.

[Ms Darcy]

Hey,

 

I know this is all new and all of this stress is very normal post-breakup.

 

Try not to get too deluded about this. From reading your whole thread, it doesn't sound like she's really that into you. It sounds like you two latched on to each other out of attraction and loneliness. You are also not really listening to what she's said: she's not ready for commitment.

 

You two haven't been together long enough, and she knows herself know that she's not ready, for the kind of commitment you are trying to push on her. And hon, it is pushing saying that you are going to live in her city.

 

I know what she's saying hurts, but it's really for the best. You two got together, too quickly became enmeshed, and said things that she meant AT THE MOMENT but not forever. I get the sense that you were a little needy in this relationship also. After dating for a few months, she doesn't really owe you anything and it's ok for her to go out with her friends. You AREN'T her priority; you are someone she is dating. I actually thought it was nice of her to give you a call to give you a heads up about what she was doing.

 

I'm soo soo sorry dear. I think the lesson is to take relationships much slower in the future. Spending everynight together isn't healthy. It breeds resentments and fighting. And fighting takes its toll in a short relationship - as has been mentioned. The second lesson is to avoid relationships where separation is a foreseeable outcome.

 

I am sorry. I know you care about her and it hurts, but please don't miss a great opportunity to chase after an ended relationship.

[The_411]

TryingHard,

 

I know this is a hard to deal with but I would strongly advise against you moving to her city unless you are moving to her city solely for you with no intent or design to move in on her.

 

The reason I say this is that she will get creeped out and likely avoid you.

The whole hypothertical if you weren't moving I'd still be with you is a typical Plan B break in case of glass ploy employed by both women and men (usually women) to keep you hooked in god forbid a few other options don't pan out.

 

To take it further say you guys had stayed together and you moved to her city and you blew an opportunity to be with her and you were struggling. She then has to deal with the guilt associated with you moving to be with her.

 

All in all your best bet is to go to a city where you have the best opportunity to be successful in your career and the happiest socially without your ex.

 

The happier you are in life the better you'll do with the opposite sex.

[TryingHard]

Sorry, I've been away from the computer. Thanks to everyone who has responded.

 

So Friday (while I was feeling physically ill from all this) she calls around 11:30, apologizes over the phone, asks me to come over so she can make me lunch, and I go over there.

 

-all of a sudden the sun is shining and birds are singing-

 

We hug. She apologizes. I apologize. I ask her what's changed. She says:

"I spoke with my mom. My mom said she agrees constant arguing is miserable, but it doesn't hurt to try this out for a year or so."

 

I tell her- "WE are moving together. Put all the stress away. If we had just made a plan along time ago instead of playing cat and mouse about our future, we could have avoided so much headache and heartache."

 

I go back to work. Friday evening we go to a wine tasting. She pays for the $100 tickets. We have a fun time. We come back to my place around 10 and both fall asleep.

 

We grab breakfast then I tell her she should go and run (she's training for a half marathon). I go and enjoy the beautiful day in the city. She calls me around 2 and asks me to come over and hang out. I tell her I'm hanging with some guys watch a baseball game and I'll come over in a little. She calls again around 3:45 when I'm on the way. I get there at 4. She's on the computer when I get there. She just wants to take a nap. I'm wide awake so I lay there for about 10 minutes. I kiss her forehead then tell her I'm gonna head to watch the basketball games.

 

I go to the bar to watch the games with one of the few friends I have here. An hour later she calls and then texts asking if I want to go sit by the river and what I wanted to do for dinner. I'm having fun so I just respond 'hey- yall go ahead and eat. Lets meet up later'

 

She responds no, I'm coming to the bar. I can eat later.

 

I was just trying to need be less needy/clingy and have a bit of my own life.

 

The guy I met ends up leaving to meet his friends. I stick with my girlfriend and her two girl friends. We wind up at another bar. They start talking about how a classmate they dislike messed up. I tell them how a classmate they like messed up in a similar fashion. She gets really mad. She says we're leaving now.

 

The two of us walk outside. She says 'I think you should walk home.' She says 'this is why I don't you to move with me. all you do is argue.'

 

She says 'I don't want to see you right now. I don't want to be with you.'

 

I ask her to drop me off where my friend and his crew are. When I get out of the car she yells something out the window. I couldn't really hear her. She then sends a text a few minutes later "You will not be moving with me. You will not be going home with me for Easter."

 

She knows I have a job interview in her hometown on the Saturday before Easter that I was planning on going to while we were there.

 

I asked both of her friends and they didn't think I did anything wrong.

 

I realized last night that she's on her period.

 

I've given her all the power in our relationship and she abused it last night. She said very hateful things. I've never liked rollercoasters.

[TryingHard]

Also, as far as careers and oppotunities go-

 

The job in her city can be just a good of an opportunity as the one back home. In fact, it might be better to just work at the one in her town and get some business experience before commiting to any other career.

[ToodlePip]

That's the problem - her heart is saying no, her head (logic - her mum / friends) are saying yes. Unfortunately, you generally need reasonable congruence to stay happy in a relationship. So you'll get the hot and cold treatment like that. It's tough

[TryingHard]

I gave in to myself and called her. She answered right away. She was on the way to yoga and actually asked me if I wanted to come with her.

 

(rollercoaster!!!!)

 

I just told her I hope she didn't take what I was talking about with her friends as me trying to argue with her. I did also tell her that I wasn't going to apologize though. I told her she tore into me pretty good last night and said some mean, hurtful things.

 

She said 'well you know how I hate arguing, especially in front of my friends.'

 

I wasn't about to let her turn it on me. I told her that both of her friends agree that I didn't really do anything wrong. I told her I'd mail her some chocolate covered tampons if that would help though. She laughed.

 

But she never apologized. She also didn't mention anything about the move or Easter. And honestly, I'm too mentally exhausted to care right now.

 

She arrived at her yoga session and said she'd call me later.

 

I just stocked up on 5 movie rentals and am about to get some takeout.

 

Sometimes if you take this stuff too seriously all you do is get a headache..