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Does anyone else feel this way during NC?


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Basically, NC is enforced in order to promote healing. During this period, we're able to reflect on the relationship, accept the loss, press forward, strengthen ourselves and attain our happiness again. Why is it then, I find myself experiencing an adverse effect?

 

Truth be told, I'm much stronger than I was at the time of my break up. But, as time elapses, I find myself forgetting all the B.S., the heartache, the betrayal, and the tears. Instead, I'm left missing the person I was involved with and remembering what it felt like to be in that relationship. I have this overwhelming capability (which can lead to my own calamity) of forgiving AND forgetting. Having said that, it only enables me to put myself in another vulnerable position. I can't say that I haven't reached out to my ex, done the stupid 'drunk dial', sent an arbitrary text message just to say 'hello', etc. Though she's reciprocated, it really does me no good and leaves me feeling like a complete schmuck.

 

Has anyone else felt this way? My relationship, as a whole, was actually very good and healthy. We spent an overabundant amount of time together which attributed to our break up (I believe), but other than that, things were good. It was only after the relationship ended that I learned about things I had a hard time accepting.

 

I'm having a down day today and find myself missing my ex. Those of you that know my story can understand why NOT being in contact is the BEST course of action. But, it's times like these that I find my strength REALLY tested.

 

 

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Hi,

 

I just want to say that I can totally relate to your entire story. My ex broke up with me about 3 weeks ago and in that time I have managed to strengthen myself somewhat although I still do have very tough periods during the day and find myself regressing in many aspects. I miss her immensely and think about her constantly, what we used to, and what we could be doing. We, too, spent an inordinate amount of time together, which also led to our break up, in the end. It's been hard to let go of her, the hopes and dreams of the future, and move on with my life. I am currently in the midst of applying to grad school and the whole uncertainty in my life has made this break up so much worse since she was the lone definite in my life. But, I know I have to continue on with life and push forward.

 

I just want you to know that I understand your pain and difficulty. Know that you are not alone, and continue to do what you need to do to move on with your life. You will get better, and you will find someone who will love you for all that you are and now want to leave. Good luck, and here's a quote that I've found to be very helpful to me in my recovery.

 

"You have the power to transform today's pain into tomorrow's wisdom, and you should love yourself enough to choose to do exactly that. There is joy waiting for you. You will be healthy enough to recognize and embrace it when it comes, and know that if this is what it took to find it, it was worth all this and more."

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From experience, I can say that yeah its normal.

You will go through different stages, you will feel mad, sad, depressed, you miss him then one day you be mad at him. Its all normal. You be going back and forth alot.

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Device, thank you for your response. I'm glad that someone else can relate. Heck, I'm sure a lot of people on this forum can and it's why I keep coming here. Your quote has definitely helped me and I will continue to read it over and over when I'm feeling like I am right now.

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I can't say that I haven't reached out to my ex, done the stupid 'drunk dial', sent an arbitrary text message just to say 'hello', etc. Though she's reciprocated, it really does me no good and leaves me feeling like a complete schmuck.

 

Has anyone else felt this way? My relationship, as a whole, was actually very good and healthy. We spent an overabundant amount of time together which attributed to our break up (I believe), but other than that, things were good. It was only after the relationship ended that I learned about things I had a hard time accepting.

 

I'm having a down day today and find myself missing my ex. Those of you that know my story can understand why NOT being in contact is the BEST course of action. But, it's times like these that I find my strength REALLY tested.

 

I know how difficult it is, but NC is more than just separating yourself from them. Some people make an easy transition and the memories fade, infact they all do, but other people have trouble letting go.

 

For me, my relationship as a whole was also very good, and again im left with the memories of all the fun times i had. But it doesnt change the fact that at some point it wasnt enough anymore.

 

Basically, you need to end the relationship with your ex thats going on in your mind. Acceptance is something we all struggle with, i accept the fact that its over, and i think it was for the best, and yes i think fondly of her all the time. But there is nothing i can do to change the fact of the matter, her and i no longer exist.

 

She knows how i feel about the breakup and she is absolutely free to talk to me if and when she feels like it. Chasing her down with text messages or "hello's" will only hurt the chances i ever have of two possible options.

 

1) i get over it, the harder i hang onto what doesnt belong to me, the more i will hurt, the desire to be with her and the reality of the situation are at ends with each other, the tension created causes the pain.

 

The only way out is acceptance, know the pain, feel it, you can do nothing to stop it, so its best to let it run its course, its only when we have felt all there is to feel that we can finally let it go, and it always is darkest just before light.

 

and 2) Getting them back, at this point if your feeling like this, that is not possible. I made a decision for myself a while back and that was to not make decisions out of fear and pain. If my ex and i were ever to talk again, the only kind of feelings that i would experience within myself would be happiness. The majority of people trying to heal or trying to get back together make decisions out of fear and pain, texts, drunk dials ect.

 

No contact allows us to become happy again, to deal with that pain and replace it with our love of life. It is only at that point when our love for ourselves overflows that what runs over can be shared with someone else, or with your ex if you so choose, thats the way all relationships should be.

 

But as you see what happens, we get absorbed in this relationship and spend to much time with the other person, and we lose ourself, all that love for love is not directed at that person, and what is lost is what defines us, what sets us apart from every other person on this planet, our personality is our passion, our passion is our love for life and how we show the world who we really are. Thats why they break up with us, they are no longer dating the person they loved and once knew, because that person loved them self before anyone else.

 

People dont fall in love with what you give them, thats the same with money and emotions, they love you for who you are.

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You hit the NAIL ON THE HEAD with the texts and drunk dials. It's FEAR that propels me to do those things. I never really looked at it from that perspective. But, it makes a LOT of sense.

 

I can definitely attest to the fact that I am very happy with my life, my friends, myself, etc. Yes, there is a void in my life. I CAN say that I dont rely on someone else for my happiness. I enjoy sharing my happiness with another. I enjoy sharing 'who I am' with another. etc. My ex and I are on two completely different emotional plateus and that too was something that contributed to our failed relationship. Heck, I KNOW that's what it was.

 

It's been 9 months and of course I have my good days and my bad days. This is obviously one of the bad days But, as we've all heard and said, 'time does heal'. I'll get there and I have all of you to thank for the support and encouragement.

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Oh you are not the only one. *hugs* It is really hard. Its been 3 mos for me and I forgot about the missing condoms, finding condom wrappers he still denies, the argueing, the verbal abuse. Sometimes I even feel like I am going to be alone forever and this is the best I can do (not to say you feel this way). However, its important to remember the reasons you broke up. The reasons it didnt work. I think its funny how sometimes we forget all the bad stuff. However, if you do get back together, you will be reminded. I have a journal and try to look back at that and see the reasons why it didnt work out, so I dont want to be with him anymore. Try journaling, sounds corny but does help. I know men dont really talk about their feelings but try talking to friends. Trust me, they will surely remind you of the reasons you shouldnt be with that person.

Eventually, it will subside. Just keep busy and be positive. Have you started dating? That could help.

 

(btw, Im from CT. Go Uconn!

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Hey Dani, i think its normal. Im in the exact same situation, I have been doing NC and been forgetting about all the bad times... and sometimes the breakup seems totally absurd and comical. I just miss so many things about him and I feel like if he told me he loved me and wanted me back, it would erase all the heartbreak. That's why I know I can't break NC, I am still too weak!

 

 

At the same time, that's a great thing that we forget the bad times and can only see the good times over time. With time we'll gain even more perspective. I've been cheated on by an ex three years back, I was so hurt. When he told me I was ready to forgive him even (!) he ended it but he kept trying to support me and be my friend, which made it so hard to be mad at him, even so I was sooo angry I could have killed him. I went NC, after six months I was still missing him but I was ready to be friends again. A few times I confused missing him as me wanting to try again... But we starting hanging out again, and finally got the balance right - no grudges at all, remembering the good times of us as a couple but enough perspective to keep in mind why we can never ever be together again. We are still very attracted to each other but he's such a player (and a cheater!!)Im glad im not with him anymore! We're actually good friends and can talk about anything. I value our friendship loads. So maybe you miss that kind of relationship with your ex - not the romantic companionship, just the special connection.

 

Sorry its a bit long and confused

 

By the way I remember you used to post over the summer...we helped each other a bit, I was going through a breakup too...then i got back together with my ex in september and then split up again a month ago. It's encouraging to hear you became stronger from the breakup..well done and gdluck!

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Hi Dani

 

Sorry you are having a down day hun - sending some (((HUGS)))

 

I think it is an easy trap to fall into - to forget the bad, especially if you are a forgive and forget type of person and leave yourself clinging on still.

 

But at the end of the day, your ex has treated you pretty shoddily, hasn't she? From what you have told us, you two are leagues apart in terms of the types of personality you are. You sound very kind and loving and loyal, and she is - ugh - just a mess.

 

I can easliy trawl back through your posts and remind you of your crappy treatment, and I think it'd do you good to do this yourself.

 

There will come a time when you are so sick to the back tooth with all this crap. When you accept that your ex is incapable of ever giving you the love, loyalty and above of all, RESPECT.

 

You haven't helped yourself with these dubious bits of contact in between and you accept they make you feel rotten. Time to cut all strings for the time being - it is in your best interest and you know this!

 

Come on darling - you will be ok!

 

Mark

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Go UCONN is right! Final four this weekend, baby!!!

 

Anyway, yes, I have journaled and it does help. I confide in my friends all the time and they serve as a GREAT reminder of WHY I shouldnt be with my ex gf. I too feel like I'm going to be alone forever, but I know that's just me feeling crappy. I'll get there.. It's been about 9 months, I need to get over this crap already!!!!!

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Thanks Mark. I can do this and I will do this. Yep, I have gone over my past posts/threads and continue to remind myself of WHY my ex and I are not suited for each other. We are ions apart emotionally and I know I deserve a hell of a lot more. I know what I'm feeling is normal and I know it's taking me a while b/c, well, I'm a slow healer and I did care for and love her ever so deeply. I'll get there!

 

I just want to thank all of you again. It's such a great feeling to gain support from complete strangers whose insight, strength and advice is truly unconditional.

 

THANK YOU ALL!!!!!

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I do remember your story and I'm sorry to hear that things havent worked out for you. Yep, you are right, I miss the friendship we had and I may be confusing that with missing the romantic relationship we had. I dont know. What I do know is that not having contact IS what i need and the more I keep reminding myself of that, the better off I'm going to be.

 

You hang in there kiddo...we're all here for you too should you need us!

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Go UCONN is right! Final four this weekend, baby!!!

 

Anyway, yes, I have journaled and it does help. I confide in my friends all the time and they serve as a GREAT reminder of WHY I shouldnt be with my ex gf. I too feel like I'm going to be alone forever, but I know that's just me feeling crappy. I'll get there.. It's been about 9 months, I need to get over this crap already!!!!!

Its not always easy. You know what helps me? Dating...I thought it would remind me of my ex but I feel desirable again and that "Im gonna be alone forever" feeling is slowly going away. I really believe that I miss the experience of having a bf. Someone to wake up too, cook for, take care of etc. So, you might not miss HER, you might just miss the relationship.

There are some great gay clubs in CT. Theres one called Polo I think? I dont know, but I had a blast last time I went.

Hang in there! I am here to talk if you need me.

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Its not always easy. You know what helps me? Dating...I thought it would remind me of my ex but I feel desirable again and that "Im gonna be alone forever" feeling is slowly going away. I really believe that I miss the experience of having a bf. Someone to wake up too, cook for, take care of etc. So, you might not miss HER, you might just miss the relationship.

There are some great gay clubs in CT. Theres one called Polo I think? I dont know, but I had a blast last time I went.

Hang in there! I am here to talk if you need me.

 

Hey there, thank you for everything There are some great gay clubs here in CT and I've definitely frequented them. I've been to Polo many times. The problem is, it's very difficult for me to find a WOMAN. Trust me, I love my gay friends that are rather boyish, but I'm attracted to feminine women and that's very difficult to find in the gay community.

 

You're right, I do miss having that connection with someone; not so sure it's just HER.

 

I'll get there. Baby steps. Have a great weekend!

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Hey there, thank you for everything There are some great gay clubs here in CT and I've definitely frequented them. I've been to Polo many times. The problem is, it's very difficult for me to find a WOMAN. Trust me, I love my gay friends that are rather boyish, but I'm attracted to feminine women and that's very difficult to find in the gay community.

 

You're right, I do miss having that connection with someone; not so sure it's just HER.

 

I'll get there. Baby steps. Have a great weekend!

Yea, I know. Ill talk to my friends and see where else you can go.

You will find someone! Shoot, my gay friends seem to find ppl quicker than my straight friends. lol Keep your head up.

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Typically if a break up has occurred in a relationship it's been because of us not being a good match for each other. Be that as it may, I try to keep that in mind that it's better to have love and lost, then to live with regret.

 

I guess you could look at it from that perspective. My ex and I honestly got along great and were best friends on top of significant others. In retrospect, I can see how we aren't a good match for each other. But, I base this only on her actions after our relationship ended. Up until that point, I wouldn't have thought we weren't suited for each other. Her behavior post our relationship was disheartening, to say the least.

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...I have this overwhelming capability (which can lead to my own calamity) of forgiving AND forgetting. Having said that, it only enables me to put myself in another vulnerable position....

 

Hi Dani0613,

 

I understand totally! Basically forgiving and forgetting is a good thing, but for me forgetting the negative can set me into the mindset that everything is now ok, and "we" can pick up the good times and carry on happily ever after, which is really a fantasy. In reality, I think remembering the good is ok, because it reminds that we want those experiences again in the future, just not with this particular person. It helps (sometimes) for me to say to myself "Ok, DONE with THAT!" and saying to the universe "NEXT!", meaning I am open to a better relationship in my future.

 

Hang in there!

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Hi Dani0613,

 

I understand totally! Basically forgiving and forgetting is a good thing, but for me forgetting the negative can set me into the mindset that everything is now ok, and "we" can pick up the good times and carry on happily ever after, which is really a fantasy. In reality, I think remembering the good is ok, because it reminds that we want those experiences again in the future, just not with this particular person. It helps (sometimes) for me to say to myself "Ok, DONE with THAT!" and saying to the universe "NEXT!", meaning I am open to a better relationship in my future.

 

Hang in there!

 

Thanks Journey, it helps to know there are others who feel the same sentiments and emotions..

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''So, you might not miss HER, you might just miss the relationship.''

 

so true...and despite all the good times being best friends (yada yada) if that were true then why doesn't it exist NOW?...we filter out the bad and cling to the good...human nature I guess but we've got to keep that perspective in mind lest we go mad in nostalgia.

 

That's why often when we DO get back together we often feel a let down like '' what the * * * * was I thinking...sure i missed her and the nice times...but here comes again the bull * * * * that drives me mad.''

 

funny isn't it that we want what we can no longer have and when we get it we no longer want it...as Commander Spock sagaciously once said: ''wanting is better than having.''

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I think I've finally reached a stage right now where I wouldn't want a relationship with my ex anymore. I don't want him back as a BF. Not right now, not the way he is. If he ever wanted me back (and I'm not saying he does), he's got a LOTTTT of work to do.

 

Cuz I know i changed so much for the better in the relationship, I grew up and even he said he appreciates how much I'm changing for the better and how good I'm being.. but he was STILL the SAME! and i think i put up with enough * * * * from him over 3 years. SO it's a good thing.

 

I wanna go out there and meet some hot men! LOL.

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