Revelation!

[soulmeetsbody]

Why do we believe that the ex OWES us something? Because they dumped us, they caused us so much pain, because they left us for someone else?

 

We think they deserve to pay for it, suffer the same pain or more, feel extreme regret or guilt. That they have to come back even if we don't want to get back with them.

But they don't owe us anything!

 

I kept on thinking my ex boyfriend has to pay for the way he's been during the relationship, and how he dealt with the break-up. But we loved each other for a year and a half, he fulfilled me in so many ways, he was and still is a fantastic man. He hasn't done anything WRONG. He made mistakes, he left, but really, if he wanted to leave then fine. I asked for the break-up too. He deserves to be happy, just as much as I do. He's just a human being, and everyone makes mistakes. We split up twice before, and I thought I would never forgive him, but no one's perfect and I understood how important forgiveness is. It's not all about them, it's circumstances, people just grow apart, fall out of love and we shouldn't be angry at THEM. Life just happens... Maybe angry at life, but there's no answer to all that pain and anger...It's just there.

We don't always act morally or rationally, we get angry, say things we don't mean, walk out on great things and people.That's something I learned with the other break-ups... Dumpers hurt as well. I wish things were simple and it was just me and him but it's not. It's us growing into adults, making life-changing decisions, cracking under outside pressure...

 

 

Before this ex, I have been horrible to another ex, who I was with for a year. I left him out of the blue (didn't love him for a few months already...we just weren't right for each other AT ALL) then we met a week later, slept together, he thought we were getting back together,and I had to tell him it was over again. Then two weeks later I started going out with the ex I'm upset about now and he found out. I am not proud of this moment, but I'm impressed at how he let go. He harassed me with texts and calls, called me all sorts of names..then he let go after 2 days. He realized I didn't owe him anything. Yes what I did may be seen as disrespectful and cruel... but I didn't mean it in that way at all. I just fell out of love with him and fell in love with someone...It just happens. It's horrible but there's no certainty in life EVER

 

It's quite a big eye opener...

[DN]

Good post. I think it helps people to let go of the anger and realise that if this person wanted to leave but stayed the relationship would never be a happy one for both people in most cases.

[LBP]

Sometimes, though, there's a little thing called commitment. The trick is finding the right person to try it with.

[HouseKitten]

Sometimes, though, there's a little thing called commitment. The trick is finding the right person to try it with.

 

You can be very committed to someone and still end up leaving them. I loved my ex very much for most of the three years we were together, but towards the end a lot of different problems and the way our lives were meant my feelings changed. I thought I was going to marry him for a long time - just because we then split up doesn't mean we weren't very committed to each other for a while.

 

I'm glad someone's posted this. Since I've started seeing other people I feel very guilty around my ex, because I'm trying to not hurt his feelings and be considerate of him. But he's not my boyfriend anymore, I don't owe him anything even though I broke it off with him and caused him a lot of pain. It hurt me as well, and no ones telling him to think about how I feel when he starts seeing other girls.

 

Dumpers get demonised a lot, understandably because yes they've caused hurt, but if a relationship goes wrong and one of you isn't happy, why should they stay and be miserable? They have their own future and feelings to look after, not just their partners.

[ellandroader]

You can be very committed to someone and still end up leaving them.

 

Dumpers get demonised a lot, understandably because yes they've caused hurt, but if a relationship goes wrong and one of you isn't happy, why should they stay and be miserable? They have their own future and feelings to look after, not just their partners.

 

Two of the most intelligent statements I have seen on here.... Dumpers and Dumpees and the situations encompassed are not as black and white as everyone thinks. What about when you do your absolute best and to no avail? What if the dumpee had no willingness to change, or looked to shift blame elsewhere or even onto you? I know that because of how I felt last time out, my relationship with my family was stretched and my mood/temperament was affecting everything else in my life.

 

I too am glad this thread was started....Kudos to the OP by the way.

[soulmeetsbody]

Dumpers get demonised a lot, understandably because yes they've caused hurt, but if a relationship goes wrong and one of you isn't happy, why should they stay and be miserable? They have their own future and feelings to look after, not just their partners.

 

So true. 'At some point someone's got to make a decision' my ex said to me,at every breakup. I'm glad he's made it because I definitely didn't have the balls to do it myself! And if you considered that option .. then you have to let go. It destroys the idea of a future for the couple but the present is already doing that.

 

I remember that after the breakup I wanted him to 'fix me' . I almost wanted to ask him to repair what he's done, as if he broke a vase or a Playstation, fix me!! Look what you've done, you're the only one who can glue me back together!! Because you have the key, the map, whatever, you're the only one who knows what makes me tick. I didn't even imagine for a second that I could be the glue that puts my life back together, and that the bruises could fade without his magic words.

 

Looking back, I'm so glad I didn't tell him that I needed him to make me feel better with sweet words, reassurance that we may get back together one more time, or a walk down memory lane... These things used to comfort me in other breakups... until I'd realize they're just words and anyone can say them... I know I've said 'I still love you... its not you its me..you're too good for me'...when I just wasnt interested at all anymore. It was sheer laziness from my part to expect my ex to use a magic wand and wipe the tears away like in a cartoon. Things will always f*** me up and slow me down...There will always be obstacles and tragedies...I just have to remember the constant in all of my stories is ME and I create my own reality... the rest is just life and will never be under total control. I can't hold grudges...he's been an idiot...so have I, and we have the right to be, we're not even 25 yet!

[BusyNAbroad]

I agree with most, but I disagree with the fact that things "just happen".

There's always an underlying reason to everything, be it conscious or subconscious, spoken or unspoken of. It's these unspoken of things that I don't find fair... and I feel there is some fairness in returning the pain in some way or the other

Consciously or subconsciously.

[WomanWriter]

Great post!

 

This has given me a lot of hope. Life is complex and I don't feel it's right to really blame our ex or ourselves. The relationship ended for whatever reasons and it's not the end of our lives. I also think that SINCE circumstances are what they are, there is no point in saying we defnitely will or definitely won't get back together with our exes. How do we know? The future is not here yet. We can only have faith. We don't know what circumstances we will find in the future to determine one way or the other. We can't read the future with a crystal ball.

 

We can only take responsibility for our own lives and make the changes we need to make to become stronger people. If we still want our exes in the future, no reason we can't try again under different circumstances but no guarantee either. That's where the hope comes in...nothing is set in stone ,that means the bad things aren't either!

[waveseer]

For me I can't call myself healed until 'he doesn't owe me anything' becomes 'I don't want anything from him'.

[lostandmisrabl]

This is a great thread. I am a recent dumper and I feel I have been demonized. Something had to give and I had the gumption to do it for both of us. She was hinting at breakup but was never going to make the move...I had to. Of course I want her to be happy in the future and I want that too.

 

Great comments by all so far and thanks for making me feel a little less mean today.

[aprilshowers41]

this is such a great thread, you know down deep that's exactly how i feel, my ex was and is a great guy, he always treated me well and with respect, was a good provider and worked hard so we could have a nice life. but we just grew apart, we both seen it, but never wanted to admit it. it had been coming on for years. he was not happy and i was not happy, but when he left me for someone else, it was devestating. he tried to explain to me that it had nothing to do with me. that he didnt do it to hurt me, that he never wanted to hurt me, that he loved me. but he had to make himself happy. i know that leaving was hard on him too. after he left i did feel like he owed me something, i had put in all the work i was the one here for years taking care of him and then he goes and marries someone else? how dare him. down deep i do want him to be happy, i mean i've known him for almost 20 years , we were friends, best of friends. and i miss him. but right now , i'm too hurt and angry to let that happen. i feel betrayed by him. i'm too hurt right now to admit that i do want him to be happy. he has said that he still wants us to be friends but at this time that is just insulting to me.

[canali]

good post.

 

this is relevant IMO to some of the threads on the subject I started on the subject of forgiveness ie, after a while in the healing process we have some distance and can see that we see we're BOTH human and therein fallible, capable of making mistakes and hurting people...

--bottom line is that all of us are trying to find happiness as best we can...

 

when you try to really empathize and get into the head of the other person who dumped us and try to understand their thinking and beliefs and needs (obviously we weren't on the same wavelength) you relax alot more....don't get me wrong: that area of forgiving and releasing to allow you to move on and focus on the FUTURE doesn't usually come without some time and healing.

 

for all the fingerpointing we can engage in the old maxim 'when you point a finger you get three pointing back' takes on so much meaning in relationship endings.

 

I'm very lucky in that my ex is a good person but like most of us it is our EGO and PRIDE that keeps us distant and unwilling to be friends or bathing incessantly in the 'woe is me' bathwaters....hopefully with time I can really let that go and really be there for her.

 

all the best with your healing!

[peace_lily]

What about when you do your absolute best and to no avail? What if the dumpee had no willingness to change, or looked to shift blame elsewhere or even onto you?

 

I think this is an oversimplification. Most of the dumpers on here think that their exes were never going to change, and most of the dumpees bent over backwards and would have done anything to change enough to keep them around.

 

For my part, I think that my ex loved me for who he wanted me to be, instead of for who I was. It was really hard to come to terms with this because while we were together I thought he really "knew" me. Although I think it is different in your case ellandroader, I think it is dangerous to generalize. It is unfair and cruel to try and change someone into your ideal person, instead of to accept both the petals and the thorns as essential parts of the rose.

 

Does my ex owe me something? Most definitely. Do most dumpers owe the dumpees? I think so.

 

During the course of our breakup, he owed to me what you would owe to any friend or person you cared about or even any stranger on the street. He should have been more respectful of our grief and not told me things like "you were better in bed than the new girl is." He owed me what any person in a position of power owes to someone else. He should have acknowledged his privilege and he should have acknowledged my right to grieve.

[ellandroader]

I think this is an oversimplification. Most of the dumpers on here think that their exes were never going to change, and most of the dumpees bent over backwards and would have done anything to change enough to keep them around.

 

For my part, I think that my ex loved me for who he wanted me to be, instead of for who I was. It was really hard to come to terms with this because while we were together I thought he really "knew" me. Although I think it is different in your case ellandroader, I think it is dangerous to generalize. It is unfair and cruel to try and change someone into your ideal person, instead of to accept both the petals and the thorns as essential parts of the rose.

 

Does my ex owe me something? Most definitely. Do most dumpers owe the dumpees? I think so.

 

 

My post wasn't intended to generalise, I do apologise for that.

 

I was referring to those cases where the Dumper leaves because the dumpee has negative traits that are ultimately threatening the relationship and see that they are doing nothing wrong.

 

I accepted my former girlfriend in every way except for the way she treated me. I was left in a situation whereby if I wasn't accepted by someone other than her, I would be out of the door and that was just one thing. I wasn't perturbed by her past, her current situation or anything like that, in fact I loved/love her today for the friend that I made, the girl that I spent some special moments with and the person underneath the anxious, pessimistic and cynical shell that I found myself up against.

 

I am not perfect either and she for the most part accepted me too. Contrary to what dumpers are perceived to be, I found this very hard, to leave someone who I was falling in love with, but I could see that neither of us were truly happy in the situation and that if it went further, it would incur more pain for us both.

 

The only thing I wanted her to change was her perception of the relationship and approach towards it.