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I was asked this Q by a man


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I have been talking with a man (through arranged marriage process, but our parents are not involved yet. He got in touch with me through a matrimonial website, much like online dating) on n off for a month now and he has asked me this Q, more than once, (He is 36-37, wants to get married n have kids)

"do you think you are ready for marriage?" "do you want this from your life?" I wonder, what makes a man ask such Qs? Does he think that I'm not ready? Am I sending out signals/saying something in a way that makes him feel that I probably am not? Is it b'coz I'm mostly busy with school n work n am rarely home? I did not ask him what makes him doubt that I might not be ready. Should I address this before we meet?

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i think you're looking at this the wrong way.

 

many men have the traditional thought in their minds that women do not work and stay at home parenting. if you're going to get married and presumably have children this may be what he wants. i think that he is really asking you this:

 

are you sure you want to give up your job and your career and become a stay at home mother

... are you?

 

because i think he presumes you'll do this hense the repeated question....

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I have been talking with a man (through arranged marriage process, but our parents are not involved yet. He got in touch with me through a matrimonial website, much like online dating) on n off for a month now and he has asked me this Q, more than once, (He is 36-37, wants to get married n have kids)

"do you think you are ready for marriage?" "do you want this from your life?" I wonder, what makes a man ask such Qs? Does he think that I'm not ready? Am I sending out signals/saying something in a way that makes him feel that I probably am not? Is it b'coz I'm mostly busy with school n work n am rarely home? I did not ask him what makes him doubt that I might not be ready. Should I address this before we meet?

He just wanted to know your views on marriage and how serious you are about the husband/wife relationship. I think that he wants to be sure that you are sure of your decsion.

He doesnt doubt you...

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Is it b'coz I'm mostly busy with school n work n am rarely home? I did not ask him what makes him doubt that I might not be ready. Should I address this before we meet?

 

I wonder this too, and perhaps more cynically I wonder if it's a coded way of saying "what are you doing getting a PhD when you should be at home having kids?" Of course, that's just based on a stereotypical view of those sort of comments, and there's no reason to think he necessarily believes that, but it's a possibility that should certainly be clarified in as neutral a way as possible, either before you meet or during. You certainly wouldn't want to get far into any sort of commitment and discover that attitude later on.

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let's see. you are on a marriage website. he is talking about kids. i think he wants to know how serious you are.

He expressed a desire to have kids, casually when we were talking. I said "ok" and left it there. I didn't ask any further Qs, didn't probe, why you want kids, how many, when, what names, what gender, blah, blah, nothing. Now, I wonder, if he thinks I'm not serious b'coz I never talk about kids to men. I never have started "aww... kiddies... tell me more about 'em."

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I wonder this too, and perhaps more cynically I wonder if it's a coded way of saying "what are you doing getting a PhD when you should be at home having kids?" Of course, that's just based on a stereotypical view of those sort of comments, and there's no reason to think he necessarily believes that, but it's a possibility that should certainly be clarified in as neutral a way as possible, either before you meet or during. You certainly wouldn't want to get far into any sort of commitment and discover that attitude later on.

Well, now that you bring it up, here is more information. He said "I don't care for a woman's education, degree, school, money, blah, blah. I am looking for a nice girl, its not necessary that she works, but yes, I want to have kids." I wonder if he is planning on marrying someone who is interested in becoming a homemaker? Do you think I should talk about it with him before we meet? I can't really talk about it during the meet unless he brings it up. Thats just too awkward especially when you dont' know if he wants to see you again or not.

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He expressed a desire to have kids, casually when we were talking. I said "ok" and left it there. I didn't ask any further Qs, didn't probe, why you want kids, how many, when, what names, what gender, blah, blah, nothing. Now, I wonder, if he thinks I'm not serious b'coz I never talk about kids to men. I never have started "aww... kiddies... tell me more about 'em."

 

well, i know if i wanted to marry and was actively looking for that soon, i'd want to know the details. you act like marriage is just a date and it should be just some casual conversation. sounds like he is very into the possibility of having kids soon. i have no idea why you are reading into this so much.

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well, i know if i wanted to marry and was actively looking for that soon, i'd want to know the details. you act like marriage is just a date and it should be just some casual conversation. sounds like he is very into the possibility of having kids soon. i have no idea why you are reading into this so much.

no no, I'm not saying that marriage is just a date. We haven't met yet and we will get to know each other for 3-4 months before getting married. I wrote in that context. I haven't faced this Q before so I wanted to ask it here.

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no no, I'm not saying that marriage is just a date. We haven't met yet and we will get to know each other for 3-4 months before getting married. I wrote in that context. I haven't faced this Q before so I wanted to ask it here.

 

we don't know what's going through his head, but i think you're reading too much into this. this sounds like normal questions for someone that is seriously considering marriage. i don't know why you don't just answer them. you said you'd get to know him for 3-4 months, but maybe he doesn't wanna waste 3-4 months with someone if you're not on the same page with the major basics. such as kids.

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Well, now that you bring it up, here is more information. He said "I don't care for a woman's education, degree, school, money, blah, blah. I am looking for a nice girl, its not necessary that she works, but yes, I want to have kids." I wonder if he is planning on marrying someone who is interested in becoming a homemaker? Do you think I should talk about it with him before we meet? I can't really talk about it during the meet unless he brings it up. Thats just too awkward especially when you dont' know if he wants to see you again or not.

 

In that case yes, you should definitely bring it up. What do you personally want for your future? If you want a career, and something that uses the PhD, then I think it's already highly problematic that he doesn't care about your level of education (so he won't value it, or anything you do with it), and is so far out of touch with your goals (if they are your goals) that he doesn't even see the need to pretend. Of course if you want to become a homemaker, and I certainly make no value judgment about that, then it's not such a problem. So it really it depends on your future goals, but certainly you need to clarify with him whether or not it's a homemaker that he's after, and do it in a subtle way that's likely to get an honest answer (since I think very few people would openly say they were looking for that, even if they really were).

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If you met this guy via an arranged marriage site, why wouldn't he be talking about marriage and if you want kids? To me, those seem like the most normal questions, considering how you two met.

 

Why are you so defensive about those questions, and automatically assume he is 'doubting' you in some way?

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He expressed a desire to have kids, casually when we were talking. I said "ok" and left it there. I didn't ask any further Qs, didn't probe, why you want kids, how many, when, what names, what gender, blah, blah, nothing. Now, I wonder, if he thinks I'm not serious b'coz I never talk about kids to men. I never have started "aww... kiddies... tell me more about 'em."

 

But, you should be asking questions and expressing you wants.

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tinu this guy seems to be very serious and straight forward. i think you should give him similar answers. discuss all things with him such as kids, careers, etc. if he wants something different then it probably won't be a match.

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tinu this guy seems to be very serious and straight forward. i think you should give him similar answers. discuss all things with him such as kids' date=' careers, etc. if he wants something different then it probably won't be a match.[/quote']

 

Yes, that's the feeling I got from his questions. It sounds like he wants to make sure you 2 are on the same page as far as being ready to be married, kids, etc., before he invests a lot of time into this situation.

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we don't know what's going through his head, but i think you're reading too much into this. this sounds like normal questions for someone that is seriously considering marriage. i don't know why you don't just answer them. you said you'd get to know him for 3-4 months, but maybe he doesn't wanna waste 3-4 months with someone if you're not on the same page with the major basics. such as kids.

I did answer them, everytime same honest answer as the previous one. Yes, may be I'm reading too much into this. okay, thank you for explaining

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I appreciate your replies, everyone.

I did answer honestly to his Qs and I thought that was it. But he brought up same set of Qs again (remember I said in my previous post, 2-3 times he asked the same Q) thats the reason why I was puzzled. I am not being defensive about it, I was confused b'coz I thought 1st time when I answered his Qs, its gonna be the same answer, right? so whats the need to ask again?

Yes, seems like he really wants to be with someone who wants kids n probably becomes a homemaker. So, I will look for an opportunity to talk about it when a related topic comes up in our conversation.

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He expressed a desire to have kids, casually when we were talking. I said "ok" and left it there. I didn't ask any further Qs, didn't probe, why you want kids, how many, when, what names, what gender, blah, blah, nothing.

 

I did answer honestly to his Qs and I thought that was it. But he brought up same set of Qs again (remember I said in my previous post, 2-3 times he asked the same Q) thats the reason why I was puzzled. I am not being defensive about it, I was confused b'coz I thought 1st time when I answered his Qs, its gonna be the same answer, right? so whats the need to ask again?

 

To me, it sounds like he is asking again because he tried to start a conversation about children and all you said was 'ok" and did not say another word about. If i were him, I would not really know or understand your thoughts on starting a family, and might feel like you are trying to avoid the topic.

 

If you are actively looking for someone to marry, and they bring up something important like kids, why don't you ant to talk about it? Why did you just say "ok" and not say anything more about it?

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yes, I didn't notice that my not saying much about kids has probably made him ask that Q again. I should have addressed it right there, but I didn't. Yes, my mistake. I'm beginning to realize how small things like saying only something but not the whole thing can have an impact.

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yes, I didn't notice that my not saying much about kids has probably made him ask that Q again. I should have addressed it right there, but I didn't. Yes, my mistake.

 

Tinu, I have to say, that sometimes when I read your threads about dating/finding a husband, it seems like you are approaching it with a really negative attitude.

 

I have to ask again- if this is someone that you are considering getting to know for the purpose of marriage, why didn't you want to talk about kids? What made you say "ok" and not add any of your own thoughts and desires regarding children? I think if you could figure out why you are reacting that way, it would really save you some future angst.

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Tinu, I have to say, that sometimes when I read your threads about dating/finding a husband, it seems like you are approaching it with a really negative attitude. Yes, I agree. I've seen a lot, experienced some, and have built my walls of fears. I'm not saying its right, I'm only responding to your comment.

I have to ask again- if this is someone that you are considering getting to know for the purpose of marriage, why didn't you want to talk about kids? What made you say "ok" and not add any of your own thoughts and desires regarding children? I think if you could figure out why you are reacting that way, it would really save you some future angst. Why I didn't talk about the issue of kids on phone is b'coz we don't have contrary views on it. He wants kids? okay, nothing abnormal there. I'm not dieing to have kids, I don't crave kids, if I feel like I've married a decent man, I'll have kids and thats how I approach that issue. I really didn't think that phone is a place where you address issues like kids, careers, you can "feel" the person better once you sit down with them and can look at their non-verbal communication.

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I really can't understand what is the issue here Tinu. You met him on a matrimonial site. You guys met in person and he talks about kids. Isn't that a good thing? What if he never talked about kids and after marriage he says he wants kids while you don't? That would be a MAJOR problem. Its better to know what the deal is before tying the knot.

 

If you guys were dating and he talked about kids then yes I can say that he is moving way too fast. But that is not the case here.

 

I am also puzzled when I realize the fact that you get bothered either way when it comes to working after marriage. If a guy wants you to work that seems to concern you. If a guy doesn't want you to work that seems to concern you as well.

 

You need to know exactly what you are looking for.

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I never said that there is an issue here. I'm not making issue out of anything. I am currently going with the flow, we are meeting soon.

I am throwing this here to understand IF there is an issue here that I need to pay attention to. Jenny has made it clear to me. Nowhere I've expressed an opinion about being a homemaker. I'm currently only taking in what he is saying naturally. I was puzzled so I ask Qs here.

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Guys, I do not want to see this thread go down in a spiral where everyone is attacking mostly me and then others who have views similar to me.

You guys have given constructive feedback to my post and I've listened and I appreciate it.

Thank you.

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