I cheated on my girlfriend :(

[i feel bad]

Hi, I'm new to this, and I have 2 problems and i cant talk to my friends because they only make me feel worse about what i did.

 

so my girlfriend will be "M" in the story and the other girl will be "C"

 

 

So I've been dating M for 2 and a half years, and I know i've never been happier. She loved me with everything she had as I did her. She helped me develop confidence in myself and I know theres no way I could ever love her as much as she did me. thats how much she loved me

 

So I used to have a crush on C, and I hadn't spoken to her in like a year. So I asked if she wanted to hang out without telling M because I didnt want to start an argument. So Me and C are hanging out(C has a boyfriend as well by the way). and we start talking about how we each always argue with our spouse and inevidably that opened a connection, so we made-out.

 

the next day I break up with M because I feel guilty, but we get back together the next day

 

so 2 weeks later I'm back at C's house making out and I leave

 

and another 2 weeks later I'm back at her house and this time we tart having having sex. It's not til in the middle of the sex I realize "what the hell am I doing? I have a girlfriend who loves me with all her heart and look at what i'm doing" so right there and then I pull out, put my clothes on and leave. the next day I text mesage C and tell her I never wanna do that again. She got mad and said I used her and we didnt speak much.

 

This all happened 4 months ago, and the guilt was eating me up like you wouldnt believe. so I finally tell M what happened. I told myself I was doing it out of courage because I loved her, but i know it was out of guilt. So after a few days of crying we decide we wanna stay together.

 

M confronts C and tells her to never talk to me again, which i'm fine with, I also delete every girl's number from my phone. But now M feels bad for C's boyfriend and sends him a message on myspace telling him that his gf cheated on him with me.

 

problem 1.) I feel that if C's boyfriend decides to wanna kick my ass that i deserve it all. So if thats the case, do I fight back? I'm not sure what to do.

 

 

problem 2.) M and I do good at times, but sometimes it comes up and she recaps everything and doubts she wants to be with me, but the next day were fine. I really do love her and I know I'll never do anything like this again to her, but i know it's imposible for her to believe that

 

Please help. Positive and negative feedback would be appriciated

[ButterflyWrists]

Violence is never the answer, and it takes two to tango, so he basically has no right to hit you, or place all blame on you.

 

You need to build up on the trust you lost when you cheated, you need to communicate with your girlfriend what and where things went wrong, as by the sounds of it, those problems are still there. You cannot expect your girlfriend to just trust you again after four months, and you cannot expect her to fully trust you again for a long long time. You are very lucky that she has chosen to stay with you.

[Sparkly Eyes]

you went back to her not just one time, that would be a red flag to me. I am not sure if you will be able to stay faithful! Anyways, how old are you guys? If you really believe you never do that again, try to prove it. Be nice to her as much as you can and just show her how much she means to you. Also some couple therapy might not be a bad idea.

[bluexin99]

problem 1.) I feel that if C's boyfriend decides to wanna kick my ass that i deserve it all. So if thats the case, do I fight back? I'm not sure what to do.

 

Do you think you should fight back? What have you done to him? And what has he done to you?

 

problem 2.) M and I do good at times, but sometimes it comes up and she recaps everything and doubts she wants to be with me, but the next day were fine. I really do love her and I know I'll never do anything like this again to her, but i know it's imposible for her to believe that

 

Believe it or not, but it's never going to be the same again. The trust has been broken and it not going to be the same even if you do pick up the pieces and put them back together. The topic will just keep on coming up. If it doesn't, she'll probably think of it every now and then anyway.

[Strung_Out00]

Listen...

 

It takes two to tango. You didn't rape this other girl. She wanted to have sex with you just as you wanted her. If her guy wants to kick your ass, either avoid him, or if the confrontation arises, defend yourself. Don't let him wail away on you. There is never anything wrong with putting up a fight and protecting your well-being when the situation warrants physical violence.

 

2. You just totally blew her trust for you into smithereens. It takes a second to lose trust, but a lifetime to gain it back. I've been in your shoes. I wasn't allowed to do anything. She would question my every move. She would also bring up my infidelity after we promised to start anew. It ended up being the demise of our relationship. Point being, your ex may never fully trust you again. (Once cheater, always a cheater.)

 

3. Everyone messes up. I've cheated. You've cheated. Tons of people cheat. I felt all the guilt that you did. If you lose her, as I did with an ex of years ago, you'll know the consequences that your actions may have.

 

4. You can either work on regaining her trust, which is going to be VERY hard and will require A LOT of sacrifice on your part. (No going out to bars/parties without her, always telling her where you are going and who will be there and what time you will be back. And last but not least, her constantly checking in on you.)

 

I'm not saying that your situation will work out like mine did, but we did the crying deal and tried to work it out, but in the end, my drunken hook-up killed my relationship. It was the elephant in the corner of the room.

 

Good luck man. All the best!

[Xplode]

my only thought is that, sometimes the only way to know its a mistake its to actually make the mistake... so if thats what it took for you and M, to be happier and appreciate her more.. then i say you tell her that...

 

when it comesto C's bf, you fight back if confrontation occures. it was mutual. you have ur gf to answer to.. she has to answer to him.. not ur problem. she was going to cheat regardless you or someone else.

 

all the best.

 

and ur lucky that you have another shot with your g/f

[MinziGirl]

I am wondering why in the first place did you even go visit C. The 1st mistake was that you kept it away from your loving girlfriend. That is already the 1st sign of cheating. Anything of such a nature which you CANNOT or DID NOT tell your other half is or will lead to cheating. For such meetings, i will always bring my other half with me.

 

Ok... now you are repentent & want to build up your trust again. I don't blame your girlfriend for being furious & distrustful. Cheating is perhaps the worst sin next to murder... only except that it murders the soul but keeps the body alive. You both have to go to a therapist who will set some goals for you both in order to build the trust up again. Then you have to show her that you are worthy of that trust again.

 

Personally for me, the relationship would have been finished because you did not do it only once out of impulse but again & again. That showed that you knew what you were doing was wrong...

 

Naja... then again, all the best to you if you are repentant...

[addictedblue]

I wouldn't have taken you back, no way. Basically what you have to do now is never, ever speak to C again and to tell your girlfriend everywhere you're going at all times and make sure absolutely no suspicious activity is presented. Let her look through your phone and email and whatever. However, if you and her argue, she might always bring it up. And even if she doesn't, she'll be thinking it. It's on your record now with her, and she will never forget it and what you did will never go away. There must have been problems with your relationship in the first place if you went to make out and then have sex with C. Cheating often happens when an opportunity arises, but you specifically met up with C more than once. If the relationship with your girlfriend was fulfilling you, you wouldn't have seeked out C. So is your relationship fulfilling you now?

[MinziGirl]

My mom used to tell me: A girl can take many hardships, including the massive pain of childbirth. Such pains can & will be forgotten... that is why girls can have more than 1 kid.

 

But there is 1 pain in which a girl NEVER forgets: The pain of betrayal from her partner. This will never go away. A girl might forgive the cheater... but she will never forget it.

[cruzer]

problem 1.) I feel that if C's boyfriend decides to wanna kick my ass that i deserve it all. So if thats the case, do I fight back? I'm not sure what to do.

 

always defend yourself? if u hit him and he falls dont keep hitting

 

problem 2.) M and I do good at times, but sometimes it comes up and she recaps everything and doubts she wants to be with me, but the next day were fine. I really do love her and I know I'll never do anything like this again to her, but i know it's imposible for her to believe that

 

All you can do is tell her exactly what u told us here. You really do love her, you know you messed up, but u know u will never do anything like it again.

 

It will be really hard for her to believe it, to trust you, etc.

 

However, if she wants it to work she has to stop bringing that up. Every time she brings it up, it only brings bad thoughts and memories into both of your minds, which hurts the relationship. Maybe she does not realize that?

[FarthestEdge]

Well, I have a slightly different viewpoint from most....

 

You cheated, you felt guilty, you unburdened that guilt onto your gf's heart.

 

Now you have to pay the consequences...on this, most of us seem to agree.....

 

But I do not believe that the trust or relationship is irreparably damaged. It is wholly within the grasp of your gf to eventually forgive you and move forward. If you see a long-term relationship, then I can tell you what happened 2 years in the beginning, won't matter when you've spent 20-30-40 years together. What will matter, what could stregthen your relationship, is how you both choose to handle it.

 

You:

Do not minimize what you did. Do not attempt to say it was in any way less of a betrayal, b/c you realized your mistake & "pulled out". That's hairsplitting and a technicality. It doesn't make your gf feel any better. Also, do not EVER put one ounce of responsibility on your g/f (i.e. claim she was neglecting you, frustrating you, it was XYZ argument etc). Even if anything she did was on your minnd when you made the decision to cheat- YOU made the decision to cheat. She did not cause it in any way. Own it, fully and completely. Finally you are going to have to accept for some time, that her trust in you is damaged. Expect and accept that she may question you more, and try to tighten the leash, so to speak. While I am generally not a fan of mistrust and control in a relationship, she deserves a bit of leeway here, so be patient as long as you can. If you can ride out that storm until she's ready to forgive, then you'll be ok.

 

HER:

Ultimately she will have to decide at some point that she has forgiven you, and as such, she needs to put it a box and store it on a shelf. She is likely going to throw this in your face during every heated argument for awhile. Frankly, you deserve that. But, eventually, she is going to have to decide, that if there's a future, it can't be without trust, so she will have to trust that you learned from your mistake, and it won't happen again. And then she'll need to let it go.

 

So you have to take your lumps, and she has to ultimately move on if you are to have a future. The trick is, whether both of you can endure the in-between. If you can't then the relationship won't survive. But if you love each other enough to get through it, you may come out stronger for having had gone through it.

 

Only time will tell. You're off to a lucky start. Most don't even get this chance. If you truly love her- don't blow it.

[yeawutever]

True at least you did admitted your cheatings to your girlfriend but see, what she might now be thinking is when are you gonna do it again because this wasn't just a one time occasion. You did that like three times already and if you knew what being with the other girl was gonna get you into then why go for one more round into it and proceed on having sex with her.

 

From the looks of it I say you're still a 17 year old high school kid that's yet gotta figure out what he wants in life and that you're really not ready for a committed relationship else you would not have cheated or you would have stop it the first time you made out with the other girl.

 

You now have to go by her rules and follow everything she wants you to do. Or like another poster suggested before you both can benefit from couple counseling. Yes do fight back and defend yourself if that girl's boyfriend wants to physically hurt you because you're in your rights. Well good luck to the both of you and hope you learn your lesson on what cheating causes in people.

[lostandhurt]

I have a few questions.

 

Why did you contact C in the first place to "hang out"? This is a very important question.

If you have never been happier, then why screw that up in any way?

 

Are you happy in the relationship?

 

The trust has been shattered and this will hang over the both of you for a very long time. Your relationship may not survive the betrayal you have brought into both your lives. I think it would go a long way towards showing your gf that you want to rebuild her trust in you by reading a few books on infidelity.

Here are a couple of links that might help you both. Sit down together and visit these sites. Ignoring this and hoping it all goes back to the way it was before you betrayed her will not work. It will take both of you openly talking about this to have any chance at all.

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lost

[i feel bad]

I contacted her to literally "hang out"

I had no intentions of what hapenned happening. It's just when we started talking about each others arguements with our spouses, the whole "used to have a crush on her came to mind" and we went for it.

 

 

and I'm only 19, but I dont think that plays that big a role here, because we had planned for alot of things and were pretty mature about alot of things. I know I didnt stress how much i loved her when I was telling the story, but I do love her with all my heart, with a passion that burns greater than a thousand suns, and I'm 110% positive that I learned from what I did

 

 

But most of all, I wanna say THANK YOU to everyone who gave their advice. It means alot knowing theres other people who wanna help. Thank you

[MinziGirl]

Sometimes, it just takes a little match to start a whole fire. So be careful when you 'just want to hang out' with someone whom you like or have liked before.

 

Next time, just get your girlfriend involved & her presence then will function like a check for you so hanging out = just hanging out.

 

Good luck. I hope you will make to restore the trust between you & your girlfriend now.

[lostandhurt]

i feel bad,

 

The selfishness you have shown in satisfying your wants with disregard to your gf is a problem. You showed no self control at all.

Quote

"I had no intentions of what hapenned happening. It's just when we started talking about each others arguements with our spouses, the whole "used to have a crush on her came to mind" and we went for it."

 

To rebuild the trust, you have to be honest with yourself first. Without that she will never fully trust you again because if you are unable to be honest with yourself how can she expect you to be honest with her. To your gf it looks like when you two have some arguments and you "hang out" with another girl you cannot control yourself and betray her to make yourself feel better. Things don't just happen. No one is that drunk, upset, lonely, mad or any of the other excuses/reasons people give for betrayal. Look inside yourself to find the answer if she should ever trust you again.

 

lost

[Casey13]

Dont fight the guy unless you want to end up in jail and earning her trust again will probably take a long time which you just have to deal with.