Do you really think you need CLOSURE @ the end of a break up?

[valentino2003]

A question, opinion, criticism I need from you people.

 

My last relationship was with a guy that I met and he was from the army.

Ok first of all I really liked him and he seemed too much into me but eventually I fell for him I mean I even told my friends he was too good to be true. Its just I never felt so appreciated and happy to be with someone before. He was very charming and nice caring guy or so I thought. SO after six months of dating he disappears for like three weeks before my birthday? NO CALL, NO TEXT, JUST BOOM AND GONE! (Oh this guy is the type to write to text and call me everday)

OK so I'm like * * * ? I called him a few times and he just disappeared???????? Ouch he straight up left me in the cold, but I should've seen it coming from his less and less phone calls and text messages (i believe ppl were telling me that is a sign) LOL

 

Three weeks later he calls me and says he had to do a quick training in Phillipines.... * * * ???? YEAH......I think he was bull * * * * ting me the whole time with his fake talks. So three weeks later he calls me like crazy....leaving me ten thousand messages......His excuse was he had to go to a training in the phillipines???? OK so he flew out of California and left that quick. I'm like * * * I basically gave him the cold shoulder and left him hangin too...OUCH....

 

Yeah I don't know much about the army but it literally takes less than five seconds to dial the phone and leave a message......I figured "he just not into me"

I was really hurt but now I can laugh about it.....what do you guys/gals think? I mean people kept telling maybe he was telling the truth but I hardly doubt it....I mean before he disappeared he was like hardly even talking to me or calling me anymore or even spending time...or I just sense it but was in denial. There wasn't much of any closure there for us but I figured I didn't need it and eventually did get over it but sometimes I do wonder....Do you all need closure? or is it better off not knowing something that can hurt you more?

[waveseer]

For me closure is the preferred method by a huge margin.

 

Hindsight has led me to the conclusion that my actions at the end prevented me from getting closure.

 

I should have been even MORE clingy and MORE needy.

I shouldn't have respected his space.

I should have gone nuts contacting him.

 

Do you know why? Because I would have gotten my closure. Don't try this at home, kids.

 

In this one case I think major contact would have helped me more than nc.

[Vince99]

closure would be nice even though it stings at first. the last girl i was interested in basically shut me out of her life for no reason when she moved away. wouldnt return messages. never got a phone call.

 

some closure would have been nice. instead, it took me 9 months to get over her.

[emptyjar]

valentino, i can relate to that. it was back in high school so maybe you might dismiss this as being less serious, but this boy meant the world to me. like, when people say there is only one true love in your life, it was him. i thought he felt the same about me, but apparently not.

 

after dating for a couple months, he just, disappeared. he either wouldn't answer the phone or just be like "hi, i can't talk, bye." this went on all summer. when the school year started, even though i saw him at school, he was still really distant and stuff. i confronted him and he pulled the "no i still love you i just have a lot going on, blah blah blah." but he did nothing to show this, and eventually i got the courage to break up, even though i still loved him so much.

 

6 months or so later, after a bunch of drama, we got talking again. he knew all the right words to say to me, i still loved him, and he basically sucked me back into a relationship. i knew on some level it was a terrible idea, but i had wanted this ever since we broke up, so i blindly and stupidly went into it.

 

and then, again, only like 2 months later, he disappears. only this time he doesn't answer the phone at all. ignores my emails and such. breaks my heart all over again. but it only got worse. he moved (only accross town so it didn't really matter much) so he wasn't at school anymore, so i had lost complete touch. was i still dating him? how hard is it to just call me or something and tell me its over, bye. i was in total denial, and dropped back into a serious depression. not completely over him, but those feelings for him just pulled out all the other dark feelings i had about everything else and drove me into the ground.

 

after a couple months of this, i got a new phone number. and i called him on that. and he answers. meaning, he had been screening my calls for some reason. phone convo:

him: hello?

me: ..hi...

him: *realizes it's me, pauses*

me: um, what happened?..

him: *hang up.*

 

seriously, * * * . so things just went downhill form there. blamed it on myself, got back into cutting, started being a pothead for awhile, made other bad decisions, etc. and another time i made the genius decision to call him again

him: hello?

me: what did i do wrong? just tell me

him: *hang up*

 

that year sucked.

 

about 11 months after he disappeared the second time, he friends me on facebook. * * * . i accept, and we end up talking. he gives me the stupidest reasons i didn't really believe for his behavior. i still was pathetic and not over him yet, so i "forgave him". there's been a lot of more minor drama since then, but that's my main story.

 

sorry to ramble about myself in your thread. but just saying i know how it is to be just, left like that. and without closure, it's impossible to completely move on and it's devastating. i hope you can find some sort of closure soon. when i got mine, it made things so much better. it didn't make the past any better, or even totally satisfy me, but i knew things were done. both the relationship (which i knew it was done by that point, but it was never really solid, you know?) and just the torment of wondering why.

 

so don't give up hope. not that he'll come back to you. even if he does, don't make the mistake of going back like i did. people don't change, and it hurts about a million times worse the second time around. just keep hoping that some sort of closure will come.

 

in the meantime, just focus on detaching your emotions from him, like he obviously has done to you. feel free to trash talk him to your girlfriends if desired

[cruzer]

closure is nice, but in the end, they chose to not be with you, thats all that you need to know.

 

your case seems different though, you kinda did the breaking up.

[Caterina]

Ithinkthe OP did the right thing. As far as the young girl who had the guy hang up on her...OUCh, thats terrible. I always assume that they will lose interest. It saves mefrom beinghurt evenmore...or atleastfrombeingsurprised.

[Seattle02]

I prefer closure because I can tend to hang on with hope that we'll get back together. It's horrible to be strung along for awhile and then it finally ends.

[nem69]

I prefer closure because I can tend to hang on with hope that we'll get back together. It's horrible to be strung along for awhile and then it finally ends.

 

Yeah, know the feeling but I think in some ways it is best to create your own closure or as near as. In my case if she does to decide to renew relationship and I am still single then there is hope but I cannot pin my hopes on this happening even if there is a good chance. We need to cary on living and not end up treading water waiting on them.

[Breekan]

I'm still serving the military and sometimes we have to leave on a VERY short, sometimes aggravating and inconvenient, notice... It doesn't sound too far-fetched, though I agree this one should have definitely made an attempt to at least call or text before stepping out the door.

 

Training periods though are a very difficult and the feeling of isolation is strenuous at times. After six weeks of basics I usually feel like I've entered a new world when I'm finally out during intervals.

[mikem]

Valention, was this the guy you found out was being unfaithful to you?

[fawndango]

you know for the first time this nonclosure thing happened recently, and honestly, its annoying and had me wondering but i think i have finally realized that people who don't give you closure are ones who are unable to follow things through to completion and maybe its in all areas of their lives also...and also they are afraid and are cowards. It takes great courage to be honest and say what in on your mind, and to take a firm stance.

[mikem]

You really can't give the other person that kind of power over you, as far as them not giving you that closure. Eventually you have to close the door yourself, at some point. Not always easy, but it is and indicator of the other parties character weaknesses....

[valentino2003]

Valention, was this the guy you found out was being unfaithful to you?

 

found out he left me for another man...lol

 

This world can be sooooooo crazy

[mikem]

Wow! How did you find out? Did it bring some closure?

[SayWhen]

Generally speaking people are not completely blunt and honest when they break up with someone because they feel "guilty." I find this to be incredibly selfish. When my ex broke up with me on Wednesday, I told him to just give me the reasons why, because even if they might hurt, I could not end up feeling much worse than I did at the time. He gave me a bunch of typical lines that people say to cop-out...so I felt like I didn't have closure. I truly believe he left me for someone else because he got bored of the relationship. I will never know if that is true (well, I guess I MIGHT...but not any time soon)...but thinking that he could do these things has actually in and of itself brought me closure because it makes me disgusted by the thought of him, and today is one of the first days that I really am not pining for him at all because I know that so much of our relationship was based on a huge lie...that he was authentic and loved me, when really he was just faking it to try and make it feel right, even though it never was for him. Who would want to be with someone like that? Yikes.

[Spondence]

One girl broke up with me years ago and strung me along while she got over it and dated other people. It was basically torture. It took me 2+years to get over it.

 

Another Girl disappeard with no closure (left for someone else) NC...This is torture also...but I cruising though it much faster...

 

Sucks either way.

[Dan Harken]

You have to make your own closure. At some point, after you've been through enough of these relationships, you just realize that not everyone is capable of giving it.

 

What I mean is that the mature thing would generally be to tell the other person hey, look, this just isn't working. You're driving me nuts, I hate your cats, I'm moving to Tibet to live in a monastery, whatever.

 

Not everyone is capable of that, though, in many (most?) cases, people either just want to completely avoid the other person (out of guilt or whatever), or they are just too afraid of confrontation or hurting the other person.

 

My own feeling is that you have to create your own closure. You have to sit down and say hey, this crap is over, and even if they want to come back at some point, I can't do this again.

[Hobbes]

You have to make your own closure. At some point, after you've been through enough of these relationships, you just realize that not everyone is capable of giving it.

 

What I mean is that the mature thing would generally be to tell the other person hey, look, this just isn't working. You're driving me nuts, I hate your cats, I'm moving to Tibet to live in a monastery, whatever.

 

Not everyone is capable of that, though, in many (most?) cases, people either just want to completely avoid the other person (out of guilt or whatever), or they are just too afraid of confrontation or hurting the other person.

 

My own feeling is that you have to create your own closure. You have to sit down and say hey, this crap is over, and even if they want to come back at some point, I can't do this again.

 

Couldn't agree more. So many people expect to get closure from the dumper, but they left you hard, cold and often sudden, why would you look for answers from them? I see the I-need-closure-from-my-ex as an entitlement thing and largely an excuse for some more contact from that drug that was apparently no good for you, save yourself the hassle, especially if you were in a LTR, it's not worth the hassle, preserve your dignity.

[valentino2003]

Wow! How did you find out? Did it bring some closure?

 

I went out with some friends and he happened to be there with the "new bf" so anyways to cut this short, he approached me and we talked about it. By that time I've already been over him and the whole relationship. We still talk here and there and all and I really don't care about him anymore and all that stuff but it was good to hear from his side of the story.

 

First of all Im just glad he came clean about his sexuality it could of been worst. My point is I can't even be mad at him anymore? I'm not even jealous and or mad? What I've learned is that if you're over someone, what ever the hell they decide to do won't even hurt or effect you.

 

 

Regardless if I found out about his sexuality or not or who he left me for, I was already done crying about him. There was nothing left to be mad or sad about anymore.

 

I've moved on to better things and so that is my closure.

[mad rabbits]

I'm another one who had the ex do the slow phase out and then just stopped contacting me or replying to my emails.

 

I don't have my closure and I deliberately did not seek out the answers why. I knew it was a done deal and he was treating me badly so I just bowed out of my own accord, I didn't keep trying in fact I blocked his every means of contacting me so I wouldn't wonder about when I would next hear from him, if ever.

 

Not having closure bugs me at one level but the way I see it there are two explanations for his behaviour. Either he met someone else, or...at the time he dropped off contact I was going through a surgery and he was having a financial and professional meltdown...he was so confronted and stressed by the turn our lives had taken, after what was had been a very dreamy head in the clouds non-commital LDR romance largely based on fantasy, that he freaked and ran.

 

Either way, he is not someone I want in my life messing with my head (and he was a real head-messer)

 

So that's my closure right there.

[G train]

Closure is how you decide to go from here. What is closure really? I think it is when you decide to take care of yourself and stop blaming yourself for a failed relationship and let go of all guilt and doubt.

Take care of YOU and your closure will come a lot sooner than you will expect.

[waveseer]

I asked my ex for one last conversation to say goodbye, for life if necessary. He won't do it and that can only mean one of two things:

 

1. He doesn't care enough to talk with me for five minutes which breaks my heart all over again.

 

2. He can't say goodbye or he's scared I'm going to say something to make him not want to say goodbye.

 

Now, I don't need to say goodbye, truth be told I still much rather say hello, but that isn't what he says he wants. How can someone not want to say hello nor goodbye? Did I mean so little to him that he wouldn't extend himself even that far?

 

I tried being friends but I always end up falling for him all over again so that's absolutely never going to work.

[mad rabbits]

How can someone not want to say hello nor goodbye? Did I mean so little to him that he wouldn't extend himself even that far?

 

This what I wonder. I mean after everything, I was just floored that he would blatantly ignore me. I mean all I was doing was replying to messages he had sent me, it wasn't anything threatening I said, and then he just stopped, but making sure I knew he had received them (updated his facebook status..)

 

I was shocked and then the shock became outrage. It made me feel so powerless which is why I blocked him because I needed to get some semblance of control back...and if I was never going to hear from him again, I didn't want to know that.

 

I admire your courage waveseer to keep trying with him, and later, to tell him how you felt even knowing he would not reply.

 

But maybe, we are looking at this the wrong way. Maybe it isn't that they care so little. Maybe they just decide it is over and when it is over it is over for them, and that means no more connecting, at all. Maybe they are just making it easier on themselves, and they think if they say anything at all, that is perpetuating a conversation they don't want. Maybe they just blank us because it's easier and they now it hurts us but it is over for them and our hurt and our feelings are simply no longer their concern.

[waveseer]

bad, what you said would exactly fall under my number 1 explanation.

[mad rabbits]

Well, it feels harsh but it's logical on some level...

 

You hear about men "compartmentalizing"...maybe it's another example of that...the relationship compartment shuts, and they go open another compartment and poke around in there for a while (just a compartment, not necessarily a person's compartment...lol)