Jump to content

Saying "Let Go" Does Not Help


Recommended Posts

Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one (even though it's not true) that feels WORSE when people tell me to "let go" of my ex.

 

I guess it has to do with what it implies. To me, when someone says get over it, let go, move on, forget him, etc. it feels like they are telling me to stop loving him. It hurts more to think that I can't love him. I DO love him and I don't WANT to let that go. Part of being able to not be resentful and forgive him is to have love for him even though I am upset about what happened. Another thing that helps me have hope and faith is the *possibility* (not guarantee) that he and I will meet again sometime and reunite (as friends or more). If I lost that faith, I'd feel very lost. A person needs hope, faith, something to grasp onto before they completely let go and have no where to fall. I don't feel I'm ready to just let go of him completely. I can let our relationship and even let him be free, but I am not willing to give up caring for him or thinking about him for good.

 

I know I need to accept our relationship as over (at least for now) and I should stop contacting him for a while and let us both get ourselves together.

But at the same time, I do still believe he loves me, is a good person worthy of love, and is just in a mess right now. We didn't have a messy break-up but I assume from his last email he wants no contact right now though he didn't say bye forever.

 

I just don't think saying those kinds of things are encouraging. I rather be told to just take it a day at a time or to have faith. Some people I know tell me to pray and that God will work it out for us on his timetable. I do want to believe that with all my heart. I want to see the big picture. But just saying "move on" is not good because what do I "move on" to? Yes, getting healthy, but that's just not concrete enough.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

womanwriter,

 

i totally agree...as i go through a similar process. maybe what would be better is to let go slowly, as you can. its hard when your ex is a good person....

 

been doing alot of reading these days. from what i can tell its important to actually feel the pain, live it, accept it, and then let it go. i read somewhere that it is important to LEAN into the pain instead of avoiding it, which i thought was a good description. in this way you heal and are less likely to take any baggage into the next relationship.

 

i am not religious, but i pray for guidance to humbly learn what i can from this difficult situation and give thanks for the gift of wisdom... and i must say that i have come to some pretty sobering realizations about my own behaviors in the relationship (it wasn't all about him after all!!).

 

grieving takes time and you can't rush it (unless its been months and you are still crying everyday, then i would be concerned).

 

as for the hoping for a reconciliation.. i do that too, but then in there every once in a while i get a glimpse of being OK if we don't get back together.... maybe that will become more common as the weeks pass by.

 

all my best wishes,

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Unfortunately when we sustain a loss in our lives there is no other answer for it. We just have to carry on. Doesn't make it any less painful, but it's the only option available. You don't have to let go of the love in your heart you just need to refocus it. You can let go with love. That's the best way to go about it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

How long has it been since the break up?

 

Break ups take a lot of time to get through. Its not as simple as just "letting go" and that is probably why you are having such a hard time when people tell you that. It is a process that you need to go through, and everyone takes a different amount of time to get through it, depending on the situation.

 

The best thing you can do for yourself now is to keep yourself busy. Do as much as you can to put your mind on other things. It will help minimize the pain you are feeling, and will take up your time. I broke up with my ex nearly a month ago and i've been doing every thing i can to stay out of the house. The times where I'm sitting alone in my room are the absolute worst! (and the most tempting to call him) So I get up in the morning, turn ont he music, get ready, and stay out until its time to come home and go to bed. Sometimes after work and the gym I just go hang out at the local bookstore, or visit a friend, or do some shopping.

 

Another thing you should do is "disappear" on him for awhile. Don't contact him. I know this is the hardest thing to do, it torments you, and you think about him a lot, but you know what? Hes going to wonder about you and worry about you and somehow it feels better when he contacts you. Hang in there ok?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree womanwriter, about how hard it is to just let go of everything because it would mean turning off your emotions and feelings... i do also agree with twomonks that healing means we can't avoid the pain. we have to own it, live with it and feel it because only then can we start to get better... unfortunately that's the part that hurts the most...

 

i too pray everyday for whatever higher being there is to watch over me so i can get through the day without being an emotional wreck, so i can excel at my work and to give me some peace from my thoughts... i believe that time is the answer so i'm really trying to cultivate patience and trust that everything will work out in the end...

 

we can all do it, we're all facing the same thing, we just have to hang in there...

 

hugs to everyone

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you so much for the kind words!

 

> to everyone too!

 

I am definitely going to pray everyday. I starting making a list of things I wanted to do (just day by day not long term because that's too hard right now). One of them is to go to a gym. I think it will be tough because every time I've tried to exercise in the past, I gave up. But there is a gym by my house and I really want to meet new people (as friends) so I'm motivated to go just to be around other people even if it's just people working out next to me sharing a smile.

 

I don't know if this is right either, but I also know I will probably talk to my ex again (sometime...not soon) because he has my videogame console that my brother asked him for but he forgot to give back before we broke up. One of these days I will have to see him in person to retrieve it and hopefully we'll be in a better place and seeing me actually in person will be more "real" to him and we can catch up then. Also, I have a book to give him but since we're in NC, I have to give it it to him later down the road...so all these are real reasons we have to meet up again.

 

Also, now I'm starting to think that his "goodbye" email was a good thing because that means he has the last word. He's used to me taking the last word (responding to him) but this time I have not responded. Knowing him as I do, I think he's going to think about it and wonder why I'm not trying to say anything about his email. I noticed he checked my profile today which he hasn't for a while now, so I think he's starting to wonder if I'm moving on. Little does he know I'm posting on this site!

 

It feels good to know I'm not alone in having trouble letting go of him. Ironically, I think that by dealing with the fact that I can't fully let go, it's making it easier to let go for the time being. Knowing I will have to see him again eventually, it's like I don't have to freak out thinking he's gone forever and can just relax and go on with my life until we meet again.

 

Anyway, sorry...just had to get out that novel vent.

 

 

 

THANK YOU to everyone!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yes it is tough to let go when you are a loving, emotional person who wears their heart on their sleeve. I am similar and even if someone treated me very badly, I would still find it hard to let go at the flip of a switch.

 

Last few weeks, I indulged my hobbies and talked/wrote out a lot of stuff. It has helped.

 

Wishing you the best

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Unfortunately when we sustain a loss in our lives there is no other answer for it. We just have to carry on. Doesn't make it any less painful, but it's the only option available. You don't have to let go of the love in your heart you just need to refocus it. You can let go with love. That's the best way to go about it.

 

Thanks for that advice, my platonic friend dumped me recently, but since we were very, very close, it's like a break up to me. What you said is so helpful.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I really like how thoughtful and articulate your posts are.

 

I really can relate to your words here, I felt the same until a week ago.

 

I don't personally think you want him as much as you want to have someone who is special to you in your life, and that losing that feeling has left a void that you're unable to fill and that right now because its so soon is hard to manage.

 

Letting go comes from realising they're not the person you thought they are. And it takes you having to stop thinking of them as a person they're not. You can't make them someone they are not, even if they have been that person in the past. That realisation hit me from out of the blue and was a massive step in my recovery. You have to keep fighting yourself over this, and eventually fact will beat out fiction and you'll be able to accept them as not the right person for you, even if you miss the feeling they gave you.

 

I'd say trust me, but until you feel it (and you will) then its empty words. I know thats how I viewed it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...