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Why did I almost cheat?


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This is a continuation of my first entry... "Talked out of cheating...Thank you". There are many reasons that I thought I had a reason to cheat. Please forgive me if I'm all over the place.


I've been doing alot of soul searching, trying to understand why or how I got to this point in my life. To be honest, it wasn't about having sex. For me, I think it was about a temporary escape. An escape from the stress in my life. Part of the reason is I am severely depressed... so I recently started taking anti-depressants, started councelling and have learned to communicate with my SO better regarding my condition.


I feel the depression has made it difficult for me to process and handle normal stress in my life. We both have exes that we have kids with...her ex is a deadbeat, my ex uses our kids to control me and make things difficult in my relationship. My SO recently informed me that she wants nothing to do with my ex or my kids, so I'm not sure what to do about that one. My ex's decisions are having a negative impact my SO's kids, so I know she is just protecting them. Because of my ex and things she has said, I haven't been able to get close to me SO's kids either. This hurts her and her kids. I care for them, do stuff with them and have fun with them, but I can't get close.


My SO also thought that there was something going on between an ex co-worker of mine about 7 months ago (there wasn't, but this is the point where I started thinking about cheating). She recently brought it up in front of her sister after not saying anything about it for a couple months, so I had a very well thought out talk with her, and I think she now knows nothing happened.


There's alot of little things, arguements, discussions, and emotions that are tied to all this that I haven't gotten into, but I guess that's the basics of it.


I still care very deeply for my SO and her kids, but I don't think I'm in love. I haven't cheated, nor will I ever cheat (thanks largely to this forum), but I still struggle. I'm trying to save my relationship because I want to be with her and the kids, but I'm not sure if it's really the right thing to do. I still catch myself thinking about having that escape, even sometimes dreaming about it. As I said before, I am taking steps to look after myself and will not give in and make a decision that I will regret.


Thank you for taking the time to read this and please feel free to be brutally honest. Also, I hope that my experience can help someone else as this forum has helped me. Take care everyone.

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You basically answered your own question with out knowing it.


You ask: "Why did I almost cheat?"


Then you go on to say that you like the woman, and her children but don't feel you are in love.


In your soul searching you have already figured it out, you just may not have realized it yet.


Feeling like cheating is the answer, are normal. Do not let anybody ever tell you otherwise. We are after all, only human. We have instincts, needs, attractions, and desires a like.


So you don't feel in love with your significant other any longer. You are walking through the mall, you make eye contact with a woman who stimulates your mind and body. You think deeper into this moment of acknowledgment of one another, and maybe even fantasize about what it would be like to have sex with this person. She is beautiful, she probably finds you attractive as well. One thought leads to another, and you start daydreaming about how wonderful it would be to be in her arms, holding each other after making love.


You think that makes you a bad person? Not at all. For it probably isn't the idea of cheating that is exciting to you, it isn't that particular woman who makes you want to cheat either.


The fact is, if you aren't in love - when you look around the world seems so full of potential partners that you start to notice them more and more. Your desire to be in love again is telling you that you no longer have eyes only for the person you are with. You need not feel guilty about such feelings, as they are with good reason.


I can tell you, that your feelings of guilt, will only strengthen in time if you do not remedy this situation you living in. Of course you loved her at one time, of course you still like her. Children always find their way into our hearts, and letting go is never easy.


There are a few steps you can take in order to either make or break this relationship, which either outcome will be for the best. Work on your communication, and your physical life at home. Tell her that you feel your love life is lacking some how, if indeed it is. Tell her the truth though if there's something you wish she would do - and likewise ask her if there's anyway she feels you could be better with her. Talking about such relationships will strenghten any relationship, and possibly renew that lost feeling.


If nothing seems to be working out, simply state your position with out using the words "fell out of love." Short and to the point is usually best. "I care deeply for you and the kids, but I'm just not happy with the way things are going anymore. (Heres the part where you can sugar coat it) "Instead of getting to the point where I may have thoughts of being unfaithful, I'd like to end it on good terms as to avoid any undue heartache."


You were honest, you were polite, you were considerate and kind. She will ultimately thank you for it, despite her initial reaction. Also, you'll thank yourself - but remember the grass is always greener. That person you thought about at the shopping mall, has just as many flaws as anybody else. Never give up a good thing in search of something better.


A bird in the hand, is worth 2 in the bush. (you let 1 go to catch more/better you end up losing them all.)

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