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Mother kills my fragile confidence

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Right now I'm teary, I feel like crap and I'm hiding upstairs in my room.


My mum has always been a perfectionist when it comes to appearances and it always included mine too. When I was an older kid/young teen I was mentally bullied at school a lot for being the tall girl with horribley bad acne and hair that gets greasy way too easily. I was made an outcast and I had people constantly teasing me, I even had text messages sent to me once and I have no idea how they got my number. Because of this, I have grown extremely insecure. I despise my appearance even though I am not abnormally tall now in comparison to my age group, my skin is controlled by medication and I wash my hair daily to stop the greasy look. My mum however still constantly picks flaws in me she thinks she is being helpful but I have asked her several times to stop it as it just makes me feel worse. She won't listen.


The other weekend I dyed part of my hair blue for fun, and I was happy with the result. My mum would not shut up about the fact that some of the blue dye had got on my skin. I had tried to get it off as best as I could but I had a friend staying over and I was supposed to be going out. She attacked me with baby wipes to try get it off, smudgeing off all my makeup, in front of my friend (by the way I am 20 years old) and would not shut up. Today she told me she would have not gone out like that because it looked so bad. What was I supposed to do tell my friend that we had to break our plans and stay at home? I wanted to go and have fun despite it but my night was affected by my mum's fussing.


Today she tells me I don't care about my appearance anymore because I am dressed very casually with my hair not straightened or anything...but...I am doing *nothing* today so I thought there was no point in getting all dressed up and wasting nice clothes. She said that I don't brush my teeth properly when I brush them properly and twice daily, my teeth just have this horrible natural shade. So what did I do? I went upstairs and took a nail file and grated against my teeth what did I do with the hair thing? I pulled some of it out. I don't tell or show anyone this, I don't even think about it I just do it. Today I went upstairs and smacked my head really hard several times and pulled out two big clumps before bursting into tears


My mum insists that she is right but my other family members, my nan especially, are much more tactful. My mother puts on makeup just to go and pick up my brother from school, when I have to pick him up I don't. We just have different priorities. Whenever I am actually seeing friends or going out properly I dress up nicely and put more effort in I just don't see the point in doing it for no reason. But my mum is really hurting me, I've been saying ut for years but she won't listen. It's killing me she's really blunt and harsh ad I can't quite express it properly. This post is mainly just to vent as I feel so upset but is there any way I can cope with this better? It's really getting me down/

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"Mom, I think you mean well but your constant picking at me over my apperance is neither kind or helpful but is unkind and resented - so from now on I insist that you stop. If I want your opinion I will ask for it but otherwise please keep your comments to yourself. And this is not something that I will discuss with you. It stops as of now."

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You need to show this to your mother. And I'd ask her this,


"What's more important to you mom, my appearance, or my mental and psychological well being?"


If you are harming yourself in frustration, you also need to consider getting some therapy. You need to learn to be comfortable in your own skin and learn to not be so affected by what others say.


You're mom is high maintenance, she is obviously narcissistic and the only reason she's bothered about your appearance is because she thinks your disinterest in being "perfect" is a reflection on her. That is HER problem, not yours. You need to learn how to let that go so you can say to her "My priorities are just different than yours mom" and walk away, unaffected.


I think it's brutal of your mom to do this. But I doubt very much she is going to change, so you need to figure out how to not let it get to you like this. Once you learn to ignore her voices, and let go of the other nasty voices of the past, you will learn how to not be affected so deeply by the opinions of others, perceived or otherwise.


But today, I think you need to sit down and write a list of at least 10 things you like about yourself. Include in that items about your natural appearance. Stop looking for what's wrong, and start looking for what's right.


Hang in there. Be gentle with yourself.

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You are going to hear that your mom is out of line many times so let's just assume that and go from there.


Many people have different opinions about what is attractive. Some men really do prefer the natural look and don't like makeup or straightened hair. If you find what you look like attractive (or if you find yourself to be attractive regardless of how you look) then don't let it get you down.


If I was your mom's daughter she would be lording over me..

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