paintedfish Posted April 1, 2009 Share Posted April 1, 2009 So, my boyfriend got told by his ex that one of their mutual friends was in a car accident. He said the funeral is about 4 hours south of here, in his hometown. He doesn't have a car at the moment, so I said "well you know I'll take you if you want to go," hoping that was the right thing to say. He then said, acting like I was stupid for nothing thinking it, that he was riding with his ex. Which... makes me uneasy. This girl abused him emotionally and even physically at times, and for that alone, I can't ever be happy when she is brought up. When they broke up, however, it was the end of her world and despite everything she had said to him about not wanting to be with him and cheating on him. She went nuts. Now, 5 months after, she still calls and tells him that if he leaves me she'll marry him tomorrow, she brings gifts and leaves them at the door, knocks and runs away, calls him to blame him for anything that goes wrong, etc. I've tried listening patiently when he tells me what she's up to, or what she said to him, and tried to give advice on how to help her not hurt as much, or what she should do to solve whatever problem it is. After I could take no more of that, I told him that I gave it an honest effort but it hurts me to talk about her, and it scares me that he hangs out with her sometimes. He said he understands, and doesn't talk about her unless something big comes up, and doesn't see her except at work, where he has to sometimes. But when it's a funeral, is it different? I feel like the car ride will be nothing but her and her friend grilling him and making fun of the both of us and telling him he's worthless, because that's all she can talk about anymore. I want to beg him to just let me take him, maybe make a little trip out of it so it's not just going back home to say goodbye to a friend. Is that wrong?? Am I being selfish? I honestly can't tell. Link to comment
DN Posted April 1, 2009 Share Posted April 1, 2009 I think he is wrong for doing this and should be far more understanding of why you don't want him to go with her. Especially since you offered to drive him. Link to comment
deleted-account Posted April 1, 2009 Share Posted April 1, 2009 you are completely right here. it's an ex that still has strong feelings for him, and you offered to drive him. This should be an easy choice for him, yet he's making the wrong one. Link to comment
paintedfish Posted April 1, 2009 Author Share Posted April 1, 2009 Really?? So if I were to say "I'm uncomfortable with you going all that way with Ex, I'd like to drive you instead," I'm within my rights? The last thing I want to be is possessive, I just don't want him to go with her... Link to comment
DN Posted April 1, 2009 Share Posted April 1, 2009 I would not make it a question of rights. I would make it a question of him understanding and accomodating your understandable feelings. Link to comment
paintedfish Posted April 1, 2009 Author Share Posted April 1, 2009 Thank you! I guess I'll bring it up casually when he gets home. Link to comment
paintedfish Posted April 1, 2009 Author Share Posted April 1, 2009 He just called, and said he's leaving today?? Which I didn't know. So I said, "so you're riding with Ex?" And he confirms it and keeps talking, and so I said " I just don't really like you going with her." He then got upset and said "How else am I supposed to go?!" and when I told him I'd take him, he said "Oh, you want to go?" and kind of laughed condescendingly. So I said to just forget it, have fun. He just kept saying "Whatever, I won't go. See you at home" over what I was saying. Now he just called and said though it has nothing to do with me, he decided to not go because of how his ex was acting. And proceeded to tell me a long story about what a jerk she's being. All I said was "cool. See you later." I guess now we're both in the wrong because I'm not handling this right. Link to comment
DN Posted April 1, 2009 Share Posted April 1, 2009 I think you are misreading this. Phone him and tell him you are sorry if this went all pear-shaped and that you really would like to drive him there if he wants to go. Do not be accusatory or make it look as if you are sending him on a guilt trip but that you genuinely want to do this for him. Link to comment
jengh Posted April 1, 2009 Share Posted April 1, 2009 I think you are misreading this. Phone him and tell him you are sorry if this went all pear-shaped and that you really would like to drive him there if he wants to go. Do not be accusatory or make it look as if you are sending him on a guilt trip but that you genuinely want to do this for him. I completely agree with this. Be sincere. No reason to get into a big fight over this. I think he's being selfish for putting you in this situation, given you've offered to take him. His friend died, he's probably just in a confused state of mind right now. Tell him you sincerely want to go with him and support him. If he doesn't go, he may end up resenting you because of it. Link to comment
paintedfish Posted April 1, 2009 Author Share Posted April 1, 2009 Well, I called him back and apologized, he said he was mostly going down there to get stuff from his house...? I thought this was a friend of his but it turns out he was going because his ex "didn't want to be left alone through this" and he wanted to pick up some equipment from his parents' house. Then he said that maybe we can go down there at some point and do it, and that he was on the fence about going anyway. He said when he heard that I wasn't completely ok with it he decided to just not go. That and he thought he was on better terms with his ex, but she's being her typical self. I guess that's a peaceful solution. Thank you for the help!!!! I was panicking! Link to comment
BrunetteBarbie Posted April 1, 2009 Share Posted April 1, 2009 oh... Im glad to read that it took that end.... I imagine it must be so relieving to you ! I hope hes not often disrespecting your opinions and feelings about things... Link to comment
paintedfish Posted April 1, 2009 Author Share Posted April 1, 2009 Oh. No... it was actually very out of character for him. He usually respects my feelings and opinions very carefully. Thank you! Link to comment
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