My girlfriend's past relationship is affecting ours

[someguyinus]

I have been with my girlfriend for 5 months. We have a really good time together, the sex is great, and I love her.

 

The problem is that our personalities are completely opposite(in some respects), which isn't necessarily bad, but there are a few things about ther that are bothering me quite a bit.

 

She has only had a few boyfriends in her life, and the last significant one was a relationship of ~10 years. It was extremely dysfunctional and she was mentally abused, and sometimes physically.

 

Her ex-boyfriend didn't care about her and it seems they only stayed with each other just because of the security of a relationship. She cheated on him during the relationship and didn't like to be around him...but they were each a big part of each others life(lived together, etc,.).

 

Now, the issue with our relationship is that I am very independent and like to have my own space and time to do my own things. She is the opposite. I think that because of her previous relationship, she has developed very "clingy" and obsessive feelings for me. She basically relies on her happiness 100% by being with me.

 

This isn't bad, but if I want my own space or to do something else, she gets really hurt by it because she doesn't have any source of happiness for herself. Every day she gets off of work she has to see me...until I go to sleep.

 

On the weekend she stays over from Fri-Sun. When I'm with her she demands 100% of my attention.

 

To give you some perspective, in the past 5 months I have seen her almost every day. I was single for quite a while before and happy having my own space and freedom. That has changed now.

 

Are we compatible? Will she ever find the balance in the relationship and feel good about doing her own thing to be happy also? I dismissed it in the first few months but now the behavior is continuing...and I really love her...but I feel smothered at times.

 

Any advice?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

It is not the previous relationship which caused her to be like this....it is because she is like this that she stayed so long in her last dysfunctional relationship. She is a needy, clingy, insecure person and she was likely that way long before her last relationship. If you want a different sort of relationship you need to sit down and talk to her and explain your view of what a relationship is all about. In the end, however, I think you are fighting a losing battle because unless she recognizes that she has self esteem issues and decides to work on fixing them, she will not get her own life and will look to you to complete her like she has always looked to men to complete her.

[odile]

Firstly, I think that you should take a step back and try to think about what it is you feel for her, and whether you think that you would be o.k. spending, say,

years with her if she were to continue behaving the way that she has been. You cannot expect that she will change.

 

If you are determined to continue with the relationship, then you will have a bit of work to do for yourself.

 

Basically, this doesn't sound so much like a basic compatibility issue as it does an issue with your girlfriend's mental health.

 

There is nothing wrong with wanting to spend a lot of time with someone, but that her happiness to "depends 100% on you", is a major red flag, and is tremendously unhealthy.

 

When did she break up from the last relationship (the 10-ish year one)?

Did she not have any time to be single before getting involved with you?

Has she had any therapy? Does she currently have a therapist?

 

I am a bit concerned that she may not be ready for a healthy, balanced relationship.

If there is any way that you can encourage her to get therapy (if she's not in it already), then do so a.s.a.p.

 

If she has a habit of staying with people just because she is afraid to be on her own (case in point, the exBf, whom she cheated on, and lied to rather than break up with!),

then it's possible that she may be clinging to you not because you you are awesome (which you may well be),

but because you are there, and fulfilling a need, filling a role.

(This can happen whether or not she realises it, and whether or not there are other feelings mixed in).

 

If this relationship is going to stand a chance, then

you will really need to insist on some healthy boundaries.

If you fail to do this now, you are setting yourself up for a codependent mess.

 

It's important that you respect your own needs, as well as hers.

Likewise, she should be respecting not only her needs, but yours as well-- and right now she is not doing this.

 

Let her know clearly, and firmly, that you do need some alone time.

Come up with a schedule for date-nights, and stick to it.

 

If she is disappointed because you can't spend as much time with her as she'd like, then that's O.K.

Either she will adjust to it, or she won't...

 

If the problem becomes more pronounced, i.e.

If she starts being manipulative; trying to guilt-trip you for simply wanting some alone time, or

if she continues to be overly-demanding, or refuses to be respectful of your choices to the point where it is an ongoing problem for you, then

you know that this issue is a pretty big one.

[top bloke]

I feel that she was so made to feel worthless in her last relationship that she is still dealing with self doubt caused by the subtle mind manipulations that abusers tend to do. I feel she may need to deal with the past with some counselling to get her confidence and esteem back. I believe this is likely to be the cause of her clinginess. Also the fact that shes finally found a nice guy.

She is stifling you and you cant move...you need to explain that you need a little human space and that you love her so she doesnt have to worry with you..your a nice guy..not an abuser

[odile]

It is not the previous relationship which caused her to be like this....it is because she is like this that she stayed so long in her last dysfunctional relationship.

 

CrazyAboutDogs could very well be on to something here.

 

On one hand, it's true that sometimes reasonably healthy people will get lured into an abusive relationship.

Frequently, there is a degree of insecurity/vulnerability that prevents the person from seeing the earliest red-flags, and running from the get-go.

However, abusers can be extremely manipulative, and crazy-making, and the early red-flags can be incredibly subtle.

 

In these cases, the abuser doesn't show his/her most horrible colours immediately; it is a gradual build, a cycle that gets more intense with every rotation.

People who are caught in abusive relationships such as this, that they then get so worn down that they end up as sick themselves;

they no longer know who they are, in a sense; they lose their sense of self worth and stay for much longer than any healthy person can imagine.

 

SO, no doubt that this relationship impacted her horribly, regardless of how she was before the relationship.

 

HOWEVER, on the other hand

The fact is that what CrazyAboutDogs says makes a lot of sense here,

because not only did she stay-- a mere victim to this abuser-- but she played some abusive cards herself!

I think that the cheating, yet staying and lying to/with her abuser, is very possibly indicative of some deeper previous issues.

[someguyinus]

Thanks for that great response...

 

She was actually single for a year before she met me. She told me that when she met me, she saw me as a friend, and wasn't pursuing any relationships. There was definitely chemistry/attraction though, and when I didn't call her back one night, she began to want me really bad. And that's how it started....

 

She isn't in any therapy but I've really been trying to (slowly) help her move on from the past.

 

I think that she definitely has some issues, and at this point all I can do is hope that we can work through them, if not, I must move on.

 

I will probably start by discussing some of the space/independence issues...although I've tried before and it was a brick wall. It usually ends by her saying "i love you and why wouldn't i want to spend all my time with you"...which is frustrating. Obviously I could give lot of reasons for why I would want alone time...but she can't, and that's the problem.

 

I wonder if she could ever change...she's 26...and I'm 21. Meh, this is going to be difficult

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Yeah, that is what struck me as well...the cheating and yet remaining with him. I agree with what you said about victims of abuse getting slowly roped in. It was the cheating issue that struck me as odd in these kinds of situations and the fact that she didn't want to be around him. Often in abuse cases where a perfectly independent, rational person gets whittled away by abuse, they are trying every which way to please their partner and to suck up to him. The fact that this person chose to cheat and didn't want to be around him suggests to me that she was going to get her man fix one way or another....and if her partner won't give it then she will just cheat and get it elsewhere. This in itself is disconcerting for you...because if you assert yourself and don't spend every waking moment with her, will she fulfill her man-fix by cheating on you? Something to think about.

[someguyinus]

That's a really good point, about her cheating on me if I spend less time with her. And now that I think about it --its very realistic. Although I told her at one point that if I ever caught her cheating, that was it, there is no second chances, because if she can have one cheat, she can have 2 and 3, etc,.

 

She was definitely vindictive in her last relationship (cheating to get back at the ex). The first time I actually saw this side of her(with me) was last Friday.

 

I was at her house and it was about 9pm. We were discussing what to do for the night, and I wanted to go to a party for 2 of my friend's birthdays(I told her I wanted her to come, of course). She didn't want to go and got angry at me because "she works all day and she just wants to go back to my place and sleep". I said, "i understand, but this is a special circumstance, because its a birthday! can i go for a few hours and pick you up later and we'll go back to my place and sleep?". She said no. I asked why...she wouldn't give me a straight answer. Then she started saying that if I went to the party she would go to the club with her friend and didn't want to stay over. I'm not one to argue, and as I watched her start getting dressed up...I became very frustrated. I let her know how she was acting.

 

Anyways, after a talk, she ended up coming with me, having a good time, and staying at my place. And after she said she was sorry for "being a * * * * * " and that's how she used to be with the ex. I told her that it hurts me when she acts like that and its not good...I told her I wouldn't put up with it again.

 

So...blah!

[someguyinus]

For the record though, this girl is so sweet...

 

She has a big heart and really loves to make me happy...which I love!

 

Its just sometimes its a little too much for my super independent personality...

 

But there's nothing better than a girl that won't even let you cook your own breakfast...(she loves to cook for me).

 

Also, I have ED problems like maybe 1 out of 10 times we have sex(which I'm seeing a urologist for soon), and she is super cool about that.

[odile]

Hmm, well, it does seem a bit insensitive of her to potentially choose clubbing with her friends over accompanying you to your friend's special occasion,

HOWEVER, I think that to call that choice vindictive is a tad harsh.

 

The same way that you like to spend time on your own/with your friends, there will be times when she'll prefer to do other things alone, with her friends, too.

 

Next time just let her go.

Honestly, you'll do well to encourage her to spend more time with her friends!

[odile]

For the record though, this girl is so sweet...

She has a big heart and really loves to make me happy...which I love!

 

Its just sometimes its a little too much for my super independent personality...

 

But there's nothing better than a girl that won't even let you cook your own breakfast...(she loves to cook for me).

 

Also, I have ED problems like maybe 1 out of 10 times we have sex(which I'm seeing a urologist for soon), and she is super cool about that.

 

She may be nice, but try to keep your wits about you.

You've only known each other 5 months.

 

Remember that tip about vulnerable/insecure people being more prone to getting sucked into a codependent, and/or potentially abusive relationship?

 

Well, keep it in mind.

 

She's not the only girl who likes to cook and/or feed her mate,

She's not the only girl who is sweet,

She doesn't sound like she's too worried about making you happy

(or else she would be more thoughtful about your needs/wants, too; e.g.,

needing alone time, or wanting your GF to come to a once-a-year special occasion with your friends)

 

Most importantly,

She's not the only girl who will like you just the way that you are (E.D. or no E.D.).

Do not stay with her out of fear of not finding another.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

She may be nice, but try to keep your wits about you.

You've only known each other 5 months.

 

Remember that tip about vulnerable/insecure people being more prone to getting sucked into a codependent, and/or potentially abusive relationship?

 

Well, keep it in mind.

 

She's not the only girl who likes to cook and/or feed her mate,

She's not the only girl who is sweet,

She doesn't sound like she's too worried about making you happy

(or else she would be more thoughtful about your needs/wants, too; e.g.,

needing alone time, or wanting your GF to come to a once-a-year special occasion with your friends)

 

Most importantly,

She's not the only girl who will like you just the way that you are (E.D. or no E.D.).

Do not stay with her out of fear of not finding another.

 

Yep..I totally agree. I am concerned that it will be a constant uphill battle with her. She acknowledges how she was with her previous ex and yet has made no effort to change. How many times will you have to put your foot down in order to get her to "see the light". It doesn't sound like she has learned to extrapolate from one situation to the next, taking lessons learned from one battle and applying them in the next situation. So while she may have finally seen the light after you had to put your foot down, will she really be able to apply that lesson the next time this kind of situation comes up. She sounds very very very high maintenance and over time that is going to drive you around the bend.