Taking things slowly - what to expect and how to act

[pino]

As the title says

 

I posted my story a little while back and me and my ex girlfriend (or girlfirend?) have agreed to take things slowly as a form of getting back together.

 

This process started a couple of weeks ago. I just need advice on what I should expect or how to behave. We see each other about twice to three times a week just to do various things like we were dating again. We kiss and have had sex once through this. We talk everyday over the phone and in each instance for no loger than 7 minutes max.

 

Anyway, still confused on where I stand and any advice on how to proceed would be helpful. Perhaps from people's experiences in this kind of thing

[Keyman]

My ex and I are currently working through this as well.

 

If she wants it to go slow, then make sure it does. Drown out any thoughts of applying pressure, asking for dates as to when it will be sorted etc and just go with it. I let her lead with the steps. If she wants to just be in cuddle mode for a while, without kisses or more, then set yourself to stay there.

 

For me, it's the ever present fear of being strung along, but hopefully she should give you clues as to where she is at.

[pino]

Thanks Keyman. I too fear being strung along.

 

We have said I love you's again sometimes she says it first sometimes I do. Just a bit confusing. Definitely no pressure, just have to get some clues somehow

[faithful14]

Taking things slow is a good idea for now. Take everything day by day and don't expect anything for now. Just let things naturally happen on their own. This is what I did when i got back with my boyfriend and it helped a lot since it took the pressure off things.

[Pandaman211]

As the title says

 

I posted my story a little while back and me and my ex girlfriend (or girlfirend?) have agreed to take things slowly as a form of getting back together.

 

This process started a couple of weeks ago. I just need advice on what I should expect or how to behave. We see each other about twice to three times a week just to do various things like we were dating again. We kiss and have had sex once through this. We talk everyday over the phone and in each instance for no loger than 7 minutes max.

 

Anyway, still confused on where I stand and any advice on how to proceed would be helpful. Perhaps from people's experiences in this kind of thing

 

Be loose. Don't look into things too much. Don't try too hard.

 

Translation: Be yourself. It will work wonders. Women can always sense bs. I never understood how, but its usually true.

 

A lot of people recommend ending calls first. IF you are laid back, act like yourself, and she is genuinely interested in getting back together with you, you'll have a lot wider road to travel on.

[pino]

Why is she withholding sex though? I don't pressure her for it or anything, but things do get passionate and we flirt around the idea of it.

 

Is it part of taking it slow? Is she just being a tease?

[JohnGalt]

My ex and I have been seeing each other about 2-3 times a week for about 2 weeks now. We're taking this very slowly. We've held hands in public and shared a kiss...but no sex. I don't find the no sex part that important, although she says she wants to do that soon ( I haven't brought it up).

 

I'm worried about being strung along too and I am also unhappy that I'm becoming attached again. I woke up with a stomach ache this morning and she and I are still not back together.

 

Getting back together could take a while, but it is already taking a toll on me because it is a state of limbo with someone you deeply care about.

[pino]

My ex and I have been seeing each other about 2-3 times a week for about 2 weeks now. We're taking this very slowly. We've held hands in public and shared a kiss...but no sex. I don't find the no sex part that important, although she says she wants to do that soon ( I haven't brought it up).

 

I'm worried about being strung along too and I am also unhappy that I'm becoming attached again. I woke up with a stomach ache this morning and she and I are still not back together.

 

Getting back together could take a while, but it is already taking a toll on me because it is a state of limbo with someone you deeply care about.

 

I feel the same way too man, and it sucks. We're doing pretty much the same stuff as you are with your ex. I guess I shouldn't expect us to be back the way we were if we are to start something new and fresh.

 

She invited me to have a wine with her after work this Thursday. Hopefully I don't get too tipsy and spill the beans or something

[pino]

Thought about starting a new thread with this but I'll just post here.

 

It's been going well but yesterday I kind of pushed for some sort of commitment, stating that what we're doing is hard and unfair to me. I said that I'm like a security blanket to her providing her with emotional support and a sense of familiarity with no commitment.

 

I know it sounded insecure but I'd rather tell the truth rather than prolong this process that I truthfully think isn't progressing very much at all. I may be a little impatient but my time is important.

 

Her excuse was that she needed more "time", to do things she wants without having to ask someone or answer to somebody. But at the same time she doesn't want to lose me and wants to share and do things with me too. What the hell???

 

We still talk. I saw her this morning and she kissed me on the lips and said she loved me. I don't want to keep pushing but it was a moment of weakness on my part. I want to respect her wishes for time etc. but I also want to respect myself. Should I still be talking to her and seeing her?? An ultimatum maybe? I'm seriously considering it. Any help would be greatly appreciated, thank you ENAers

[spook]

Pino, here's some nuggets I read once. I might sound cheesy but I have definitely taken note of it.

 

James Bond is the guy every girl wants to be with and the man every guy wants to be, right!? Well..

 

James Bond never whines

James Bond doesn't get upset

James Bond doesn't rush things

 

Cheesy, I know, but these are the opposite of what you're doing, and just the things that turn a woman OFF. Would you complain to a girl you'd just started dating that she wasn't giving you enough commitment? Would you complain to her when she did things without you? No. Keep up the way you're going and you'll end up right back where you started from. Stay cool, concentrate on your own life and have fun when she's not around. Give her the chance to miss you and think about you when she's doing other things. Giving her an ultimatum will land you in dumpsville and back to start with the rest of us.

[Brownstone322]

James Bond is the guy every girl wants to be with and the man every guy wants to be, right!? Well..

 

James Bond never whines

James Bond doesn't get upset

James Bond doesn't rush things

 

Cheesy, I know, but these are the opposite of what you're doing, and just the things that turn a woman OFF.

Actually, it's a pretty good allegory, cheesiness notwithstanding.

 

Pino, I will assume you went through a painful period of separation. Think back on that period of emptiness. Think hard.

 

Now, isn't an extended period of patience, when you're making progress, however slow, worth the effort after what you've been through?

[pino]

Thanks spook and brownstone for your replies.

 

About the James Bond thing. It's a good analogy and largely true.

 

But James Bond doesn't get taken for granted and manipulated either does he?

 

It's just how I'm feeling, I'm going to sit her down and just tell her that when I let her back into my life I expected %100 commitment from her to make this work too and at the moment shes still sitting on the fence 50/50 about me and a new relationship with me.

 

I trust her and love her wholeheartedly but why should I if she doesn't trust me and love me enough to work through our relationship together.

 

I think the problem is that she hasn't accepted what has happened, and this is fuelling her fears and preventing her from moving forward. It always feels like I'm the one reaching out trying to make this work and an unequal relationship isn't worth anyone's time in my eyes.

 

Once again thank you everybody who has helped me or tried to help me, in the end, whatever happens I know things will be alright

[Ashsun87]

it is already taking a toll on me because it is a state of limbo with someone you deeply care about.

 

I agree with this completely. Me and my ex are currently talking, hanging out, kissing, having sex, all of that stuff. She said she wants to take things slow. It's so hard to go slow when you want nothing more than to just be with them, you want to know that they are yours. It's so very frustrating. I also have fears that I am being strung along.

 

I have to constantly control myself and make sure that I don't do or say anything too overbearing.

 

I'm really not sure how much more I can take myself. It's been over a month.

 

My advice to you would be to just try to be yourself and go with the flow. Good luck man

[longdist]

Her excuse was that she needed more "time", to do things she wants without having to ask someone or answer to somebody. But at the same time she doesn't want to lose me and wants to share and do things with me too. What the hell???

 

Yeah, I don't understand excuses like that. What would she need to answer to you about that she wants to do? My guess is this may have been an area that could have contributed to the breakup. Maybe she had to answer to you about things she thought were inconsecuential (sp?).

 

For what it's worth, I don't think any relationship moves fast after breaking for a long period. It's pretty much the opposite of the beginning of a relationship, where you keep moving fast and shower her with romance. I think it just takes time for two people to figure each other out again and to see if changes have been made to fix the relationship. It sucks to not get the commitment, but you are headed in the right direction. Think about what you would have given to be in the position you are now.

 

I would maybe suggest allowing yourself to make friends with other girls and possibly date, to spark some action from your ex. Then you are no longer a security blanket.

[faithful14]

it sort of sounds like she's trying to have a balance of being independent and doing things on her own, while at the same time be in a relationship....it's like she's going back and forth...

[pino]

Thank you guys for the responses.

 

Faithful14 - I think what you said summarises what we need if we are to have a relationship. I think that when we were together she relied on me a little too much for her own happiness and wants to know that she can do things on her own as well.

 

I did sit her down and talk to her yesterday. She said she wants to know if a relationship is what she really wants or if she is just afraid of being alone. I did tell her that what we are doing is draining me a little bit and that I'm goin to step back for a little. Would that be a good thing to do or should we still be in contact of some sort?

 

Thing is, when we were together she felt that I neglected her a little bit, if I do this now would it cement that idea or if I kept in contact would she see it as clingy instead? Funny how roles reverse sometimes.

 

It's so hard to get her to open up and tell me her issues just so we can deal with them, work through them, or come up with a compromise. I want to be able to go with the flow, if only if it was that easy when you are so emotionally invested in someone. I'm thinking of talking to her again today, I don't know if I should but I actually got her to open up a little bit yesterday. I probably should give it more time.

 

Dating other women seems like a good idea, I haven't really given anyone else a chance.

[faithful14]

maybe if you're less available for, she might get to see how she really feels about you. you can give her some space and go do some things for yourself. do things to make bring happiness in your life. you deserve it. this will give her time to see if she wants to be with you for the right reasons.

 

Hope everything works out for you!

[pino]

Just an update:

 

Well I did call her today, mainly to remind her to change her mailing address so I don't keep getting her mail at my house.

 

We chatted, friendly banter. How's your day bla bla, and have a good night. She said she'd call me tomorrow. I said yeah okay.

 

I'm not counting on the call. I probably will answer though.

 

This is hard, but I think I will stay in limited contact. I won't initiate get togethers and think about it when/if she does. I think I've communicated all I can, just have to give her some extra space now.

 

I know she still cares, she still answers and returns my calls after all.

 

Thanks again faithful14, I really have to do things for myself. She did perceive me as selfish in the relationship though, but hey we're not together anymore anyway.

[pino]

Well.... I've been thinking.

 

Taking it slowly means taking it slowly and not jumping back into the old relationship.

 

Getting to know each other again. See if changes were made etc.

 

I think I rushed into it and got insecure/weak at some point(s). Probably screwed it up. Not exactly the changes she would've wanted to see.

 

It sucks. I think its time to start the process again. She was the one who came and asked for a second chance and to take it slow. After a three year relationship I still think that there's a chance for this to work.

 

Should we have a talk of laying issues out on the table kind of thing and see what we could do about them? If so what's the best way to bring it up to someone who may not be so receptive? I'm actually thinking of sending her a link to this thread, but probably not a good idea is it

 

Edit: Update again.

 

So I just called her. No answer. Calls me back immediately.

 

Talked for less than 2 minutes. Friendly banter, work, family etc.

 

I asked what time she was on lunch break, she said not until 2PM and her mum was going to meet her and also she is going to their house after work as they have just come back from being overseas. I asked if she wanted to catch up maybe after she goes there, she said yup but she also wants to go to the gym and will see how her time goes and will call me or txt me to let me know.

 

I don't want to overanalyze anything. But it seemed she was enthusiastic about the prospect of catching up, but all the other things seemed to contradict that. I don't know, even I contradict myself, I didn't want to initiate contact again but it's hard. I'll see how it goes.

 

Sorry if it seems that I'm bumping my own thread, it just feels better when I can get my thoughts out and people can help me make sense of it all