ex contacted me after 2.5 years

[last_quarter]

we were together for 6.5 years. he had left me for another woman -- yep he cheated on me. it hurt. A TON. i went NC for 2.5 years (later i was reminded that i texted him on his birthday a year ago and possibly rung him. so maybe it was very minimal contact). i was getting on with my life and was having fun being single.

 

three weeks ago, i was a bit tipsy from happy hour. i had my phone in hand when he rung. i picked up and sounded genuinely happy to hear from him. spoke for about half hour about stuff. i barely remember the conversation but i remember that it was mostly positive and he had apologized. we met up that weekend. i wasn't expecting a fightfest or a lovefest. just hanging out. because i was already over him. and i was being civil and not angry.

 

anyway, i already figured he had broken up with the woman he left me for. I mean, why else would be contact me if they were still together?? and so, the morning after we hooked up (yikes, mistake), I got it out of him that the woman had left him for another guy and now he knows how that had made me feel. yada yada yada. i told him i don't want to be a crutch to hold him up while he's feeling bad about his break up. I told him to call me after 6 months. i was being nice.

 

then he started talking to me by IM everyday. and he's called me a couple of times. i consoled him and gave advice. so then we hung out another weekend. this time i told him we'd keep it PG. somewhere in there, i told him to stop talking to me because it wasn't fair because he wasn't there when i was broken. i also told him a second chance in our relationship would never ever work. and he agreed. he says he wants to be friends only. i say no. we weren't friends to begin with and the split wasn't amicable. i told him in my non-chalant way so to keep things positive.

 

here's the problem. we hung out an entire weekend (again) and spent it like it was old times. hanging out and hooking up. in my head (trying to think logical) I wouldn't want to get back with a cheater. but my heart is willing to jumpstart the romance. it's a huge yank back for me. i'm feeling emotions when he had just given me the bad news. i thought i was over him. what happened?! i was doing so well.

[KT99]

Ugh...please don't be a "rebound" to the chick he cheated on YOU with. WOW. That's kinda like a slap in the face. It would be for me anyway...then again I'm pretty stubborn when I have to be.

[JustBeachy]

Old flames burn out quickly. Get it out of your system now and move on. Just my .02.

[faithful14]

i wouldn't do it, but that's just my opinion. I mean, would he have ever contacted you if that woman hadn't left him?

[yeawutever]

No keep on the NC with him, why be friends with someone that treated you so poorly and is now only talking to you because she dumped him for another guy. Would he had called you if she had not dumped him??? LOL I don't think so.

[foreveralone]

aw I'm sorry you're going through that. before you make a decision, talk to him about all of this. tell him your fears, concerns, etc.

 

See how he responds, either maturely, or kinda shady and uncomfortable. That will be a reality check for you either way. Just my opinion. I wish you the best, I really do.

[odile]

Old flames burn out quickly. Get it out of your system now and move on. Just my .02.

 

Hey, that's catchy!

Oh, and for the record I'm in the same camp with everyone who's telling you to ditch this guy.

 

He left you, and now you're willing to pick him up when he's someone else's cold leftovers?

 

He couldn't be bothered the first go around, so maybe this example of return could be a new use of the term 'sloppy seconds'.

Is that what you want?

 

(If it was me, it'd be a "No, thanks!")

[last_quarter]

thanks you guys for the fast responses! i'm amazed.

 

i wasn't expecting anything after that first phone call to me really. i thought he was just trying to make peace with his own conscience ~ and me.

@kt99 -- you are right. i look like the rebound's rebound. ugh. what an awful picture.

 

@JustBeachy -- do old flames really burn out quickly? some kind of residue is kinda stuck.

 

@faithful14, @yeawutever -- that exactly what i thought. he wouldn't have apologized if the woman hadn't left him.

[JustBeachy]

 

@JustBeachy -- do old flames really burn out quickly? some kind of residue is kinda stuck.

 

 

From my personal experience, every time I've gotten back together with a girl I've dated in the past, it's been great for about the first month, then those old habits begin to resurface and you remember the reasons why you left them again.

 

Scrape off the residue and burn the remains!

[last_quarter]

i'm just generally a happy person. i had kinda realized that he could be using me. i just get oblivious to that kind of stuff because i don't leave people hanging when they need help.

 

and the happy feelings/memories with him stood out, rather than the bitter ending.

 

@odile -- sloppy thirds, really. haha.

 

@foreveralone -- thanks for the well wishes. we had mini-conversations about feelings. i really didn't want to get into it because i was trying to keep it light. sometimes he'd respond, sometimes he got what i was saying so he'd change the topic right away. maybe i'm being flaky as well -- i don't get right to the point.

[last_quarter]

@JustBeachy -- that makes sense, i guess from a guy's point of view. he left me for a woman and a bunch of reasons. ok. i think i can take that argument.

[yeawutever]

Yes if he did that once then he can do it again if you were to get back with him. Don't fall for that again because then you would be the one fooled again.

[philove]

From my personal experience, every time I've gotten back together with a girl I've dated in the past, it's been great for about the first month, then those old habits begin to resurface and you remember the reasons why you left them again.

 

Scrape off the residue and burn the remains!

 

I completely agree and another thing is people very rarely change.

[last_quarter]

Yes if he did that once then he can do it again if you were to get back with him. Don't fall for that again because then you would be the one fooled again.

 

i'm not exactly wanting to get back with him. but with 6.5 years of history was enough to get into old habits and patterns when we were together. it's so bizaare.

 

but then again, i shouldn't even think that. i shouldn't even be his friend.

[last_quarter]

I completely agree and another thing is people very rarely change.

 

i can see that now looking back at the weekends we've spent together. he hasn't changed.

[philove]

i can see that now looking back at the weekends we've spent together. he hasn't changed.

 

That should tell you everything you need to know, walk away. I wish I walked when my ex came back into my life and I wouldn't be in the mess I'm in now! She cheated on me too.

[last_quarter]

That should tell you everything you need to know, walk away. I wish I walked when my ex came back into my life and I wouldn't be in the mess I'm in now! She cheated on me too.

 

ah crap. well what mess are you in?

 

and seriously, how did i not walk away?

[CocoButter]

Cut him off and let him lick his own wounds. He treated you with disrespect and left you to fend for yourself when he dropped you for the other girl....

[philove]

ah crap. well what mess are you in?

 

and seriously, how did i not walk away?

 

Just an emotional mess which I'm fighting hard to recover from. Are you lonely and felt like you needed the company?

[Puo]

Picture it this way:

 

- He shows up only after the girl he left you for decides to leave him for someone else.

 

- He says he realizes what he did to you when he left you for her (and I'm sure he does) but uses it as an excuse to talk to you again.

 

- He agrees that you two would never work out, but ignores all of your requests to stop talking to you and leave you alone. He continues to pursue this because he wants something from you, which is mostly just physical and sexual contact with someone else.

 

- He feels you'll give it to him because he felt he had the upper hand before when he left you.

 

- Despite all the guilt he may have felt, he didn't come out saying that he loved you, regretted leaving you, and wanted you back.

 

He is definitely using you as a rebound. But don't worry. Here's your chance to take power back and completely cut him off. Show him how much you've changed for the better.

[Johnathan]

everyone here is right.

he contacted you out of pure convenience because he just broke up with that woman and now wants to use you as a rebound from the chick he originally left you for. it will hurt, but tell that selfish SOB to get lost.

Don't be like my moron ex girlfriend and pull some lame fantasy-based justification out of your ass that the fact you were together for 6.5 years automatically means everything will be ok and worth it to give it another shot.

[last_quarter]

@Misskitty i do remember that he left me for someone else. and i think somehow i have no angry feelings. NC for 2.5 years is a long time so i think my heart has healed from it.

 

@CocoButter you're right. and i think he's disrespectful of my wishes not wanting to be friends with him. he needs to grow up.

 

@philove i never thought of it that way, of feeling lonely and needing company. i guess i did miss him though.

 

@Puo that's a pretty vivid picture you painted. i'm ultimately setting myself up for another round of humiliation.

 

@Johnathan he is selfish. and i think he wants his ego stroked. it's absolutely sick that people can be that selfish.

[last_quarter]

i've already blocked him on IM. he's texted me a couple times today. and i didn't exactly ignore him. should i change my number now so he can't text or call me? i have a blackberry so if anyone can share how to block calls or text on that phone, please do share. haha.

[yeawutever]

Yes you can do that or just be straight forward in a text message and reply that you don't want to hear from him again, to stop contacting you.

[last_quarter]

i think i'm gonna send him a note. because he's still around contacting me. i don't want to be mean to him.

 

i'm really glad we had a chance to reconnect, reminisce the old times, ate a whole bunch, and just hang out. I missed those times. i didn't expect that we'd spend time together. That one phone call would have been enough for me to have known you were alive and well.

 

i'm looking like a rebound's rebound and i'm glad i could help, but it can't continue any longer.

 

it was history we had. because i cared a lot about you in the past, you're someone i can't dismiss at command of the voice in my head when you text or IM me, even it's small talk. it pulls up emotions of the past, both good and bad. the more i talk to you, the more i get to know more about you again. it doesn't make a difference to me now to know about how much you cared about her and how you tried to make it work with her. it doesn't make a difference to me now if in the future you find another person you want to be with. i want to wish you happiness from afar.

 

in the past, i've made an effort to be geniunely respectful of your decision to leave me by not contacting you by any means. it bothers me that you're not hearing my wishes to stay away from contacting me through text, IM, or phone calls. it's disrespectful. you weren't clear with your intentions of speaking to me again. i don't trust that you have valid and honest reasons for acting that way either.

 

we cannot be friends. i know you're (again) trying to follow your brother's footsteps on how he's dealt with his relationships. it doesn't work in your case.

 

if one day, we both decide to be more than friends, the doors are open.

 

i'm nuts for adding that last line. but i kinda want to end it in a positive light. we both know it's not going to happen -- that we're not getting back together.

 

comments and suggestions are appreciated. i don't even know if i should send it.