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Piper182

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I've decided that i don't see the point in living. I know that i must live until i'm 42, because that's when i can be sure they are all dead, but I wish i could just kill myself now. i hate my life, i know the people around me either wouldn't care or would get over it.

 

what's the point? when you are alone with no hope of finding someone, no true friends to speak of, and enjoy getting drunk every night so the nightmares will come later... what's the point of living? it's a terrible world out there, why not cut it short?

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Why do you feel like this? Believe me, I have been where you have been, maybe not as far in but I felt worthless and as if nobody would miss me. I realised eventually it wasn't true, when I put myself out there and made some proactive changes. Do you undertake counselling? What activities do you practice?

 

Feel free to talk, if you need, I/we are listening....

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Hey Piper182,

 

I don't know why or how you got to feeling so depressed, but by the sounds of it you cannot see any light at the end of the tunnel right now. Let me tell you, it does not last.

 

I do not know how you have arrived at the conclusion that there is no possible hope of ever finding anyone - maybe you think you have good reason to feel this way. But beware - only you choose your thoughts. And your thoughts are having a powerful effect on you and the world around you.

 

You mention that it is a terrible world out there. It sounds to a reader that in fact it is your own world that feels terrible, but because this bleak feeling is so familiar it is somehow safer than the 'terrible world out there'. I don't mean to sound presumptuous I can only base my answer on my own experiences, and they are well intended.

 

Anybody who has ever felt suicidal at some point in their lives (which is in fact probably more than you realise - after all, isn't it part of being human to at some point question your existence?) Has probably read somewhere that it happens because our "the pain we are experiencing outweighs the resources for dealing with the pain". The varying degree to which we feel this is probably a measure of how so far we have experienced life. It is fair to say that some are born into tougher and sometimes downright cruel existences by no seemingly apparent choice of their own, but it is also true to say that no matter what your circumstances, if you don't have love then it really does make everything feel kinda pointless.

 

Seeing as I've spent most of my life as a bit of depressive by nature it occurs to me that because I am sensitive to the lows, then perhaps I am also as sensitive to the highs, and maybe I'm not a failure after all to sometimes feel low. I'm not perfect. But I can be perfectly honest, and that involves acceptance of self.

 

I say this because sometimes such bleak depression I think can be a result of an extended period of time when such emotions as anger have been subdued and repressed, and with them carry the burden of guilt. All this causes immense pressure to live up to the ideal because inside, you know not everything is ok - and you'll be damned if anyone finds out, because if they do they'll see what you see - a sad little person.

 

Well, this is how used to think anyway. Ashamed. And for what?! I hadn't done anything wrong - except be unable to pretend by all smiles all the time.

 

Anyway, it's not that I'm all raging like I was when I finally broke, but I'm still short-tempered now, but at least it's short. I used to spend a lot of time brooding because there had been a lot of injustice in my upbringing and I was never allowed to speak of how I felt.

 

I share with you these things because I want you to know that other people do understand. I read a lot of books through the years that helped a lot. Sometimes when you are really low you do not feel like reading, but the books were there, and when I got sick of feeling sorry for myself, I picked one up, and soon discovered I could not put it down. They did not get rid of my depression for me, but they showed me ways I could get in touch with a true sense of myself that I could practice learning to love, and therefore, begin the slow process of forgiving myself. Forgiving myself, as in, letting go of the guilt of pain. We somehow feel ashamed if we are not perfect - and yet...

 

...cheesy though it sounds, if you can find a way to work yourself out of the mess you have got yourself in, you will one day, I promise you, be walking along a road and suddenly feel a sense of contentment. It's not jubilation exactly, but it's a start. Speaking of cheesy, an easy read to start would be The Secret. It describes the universal law of attraction. Like attracts like. If you feel down and you immerse yourself in that feeling, not always self-pityingly, morelike, you can't see any hope - then you kind of surrender to a black hole that gets larger and larger. It becomes your reality. I'm not suggesting something as simplistic as - 'think happy thoughts' - but if you are able to willingly draw a list of just 5 things you can appreciate in a day, then that list is a positive force in your black day.

 

I worry when I hear people say 'There is no hope of ever finding somebody.' If I believed you, I would worry for myself too! What if I never find anybody?!

 

What I am trying to say is, your reality is a reflection of what you believe.

You don't have to be religious to have faith.

But faith is the basis of trust.

Trust is the source of forgiveness.

Forgive yourself and others and everything.

Come to terms with whatever has gone wrong in your life.

Accept that it has happened, and do not berate yourself. Pain is part of life - part of depression is being afraid to experience pain. You block out the pain by dulling everything else. It is only a comfort zone that causes you pain! But the pain is the message. It is actually forcing you to take a look at your life, and that is scary.

 

You mention no true friends to speak of. That is hard, if that is true, because I know at times like these that making new friends is hardly something you want to do. I felt embarrassed in other people's company, embarrassed by (what I thought) was my shoddy appearance, (but really it was just the shadows under my eyes and extreme weight loss - terrible really - not good to myself at all), but look - I was so hard on myself. I don't know if this is something you can relate to, but if it is, then you must find something to do in your day, whether it's brushing your hair, or painting, or doing a puzzle or reading a book or watching a film - just commit yourself to one thing that you enjoy doing and do it with a willingness to do something for yourself. If you can, look at yourself as if you were looking at your best friend. What would you tell her to do? How would you help her? That is how you will find the answers to how to help yourself.

 

You must find a purpose in your life. Look at yourself in the mirror in the eyes and notice how they look. Just watch yourself. And if certain behaviours are boring to you, mix it up, change it. If one way of living is not working for you, then your unhappiness is your way of you trying to tell yourself - "something has got to change!" and though change can be overwhelming when you feel you have nothing or nobody, it doesn't mean that it is impossible.

 

If you are simply going to wait until you are 42 to commit the deed itself, why not at least sample educating yourself in what your life is all about? Just because you think it is insignificant in other's eyes, or perhaps even in the grand scheme of things, but that is not where the value of life is measured. Only you are allowed to measure how awful or great your life is. Once you get in touch with how you are controlling your life you can see how much of it you are creating, and how much of it is a response to other people. And you will feel a sense of power and that is you and knowing that you are in charge, and also realising that only you actually know how to drive this thing, because it is you. Find out what defines you. Music? Favourite film star? Anyone you aspire to? Interestingly, you here may also remember who makes you seethingly jealous, or inadequate. Again, forgive yourself don't compare, and appreciate from all sides, even if you feel like it's a lie at first. It's not, you're just practicing being fair, instead of practicing being unfair.

 

You have the strength to take yourself down, which means you have the strength to take yourself up. That sounds funny, but it is logical. A coin has two sides, the sword is double-edged etc etc.

 

People will think what they think, * * * * em. Do your thing. Be honest and good and true to yourself, and you will be doing the best by yourself and benefiting the greater good.

 

Sorry about the length of this - I hope at least you may find 1% useful. Let me know if you want some of the book titles.

 

Btw - on getting drunk every night. Alcohol is a depressant, as you know. But I know what it's like too. So just do it. But just watch yourself do it. The more you watch yourself as though you are watching someone you really love, the better the way you see things will be, and I think you would probably find that you didn't need to get drunk quite so often. Just don't lose your job over it and don't let it take over your days as well as nights. But if you watch - you may eventually feel like you've seen that movie too many times, and it has somehow lost its allure.

 

With best wishes and intentions,

 

S xx

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I've decided that i don't see the point in living. I know that i must live until i'm 42, because that's when i can be sure they are all dead, but I wish i could just kill myself now. i hate my life, i know the people around me either wouldn't care or would get over it.

 

what's the point? when you are alone with no hope of finding someone, no true friends to speak of, and enjoy getting drunk every night so the nightmares will come later... what's the point of living? it's a terrible world out there, why not cut it short?

 

There is no point to living. There is no greater purpose. You get to define whatever you do with your time as a conscious being on this Earth (or where ever else you might get to go). Did something traumatic happen that is causing these nightmares?

 

I'm starting to worry it isn't healthy for me to be reading everybody else's logic as to why we should kick the bucket. .. I have enough of my own and am trying to run from it.

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I feel the same way. Recently my mother told me I would never amount to anything because I am too lazy. I started to believe her like all the other things I have been told growing up. There is so much in my head I just wish it'd blow up and go away. I think for me, a little human affection would go a long way.

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