A friend is getting no sex in a relationship + other problems.... advice?

[pedal]

My friend moved in with an older boyfriend (he's 38, she's 24) recently. He's divorced and it sounded like a nasty one. He has one child from the marriage and she is a single mother.

 

He takes cares care of her physically and financially as she finishes her college degree, but doesn't take care of her emotionally. She wants to learn and grow with him, but it sounds like he basically doesn't want to do anything except the few things he enjoys doing (which aren't much). She goes along with what he wants to do.

 

She's been mostly independent until moving in with him, but she recently sold her car and is more dependent on him than ever as she drives his car and uses it to get to school etc.

 

So the latest is he's not interested in sex. He has a very large porn collection and she told me he masturbates A LOT. She is a beautiful, smart, sincere, and good person who has no problem getting dates (just picks the wrong guys in my opinion) and is quite attractive. She has insecurities which cause her to be shy around guys and I'm afraid these guys pick up on that. She parades around him in lingerie and he wants to photograph her. That's it.

 

I should mention this is their second attempt at a relationship. They dated for a year or so previously and it ended badly with some physical violence - she moved out of state, and he pursued her and eventually enticed her to move back by apologizing, paying for it all and also paying for living expenses, etc., while she goes to school. They don't argue like they did the first time around and the relationship dynamic is she cooks/cleans/runs errands for him while he works a high stress job and she mostly takes care of the kids when they are around. She describes their relationship as 2 friends living together, but I know that's not what she wants as the no sex is on some level really hurting her.

 

What do I tell her? It sounds like a pretty sick relationship from the get go - she really has no leverage in the relationship because he's providing everything (and he occasionally uses that against her when she complains) and she went back with him when he hit her. Her little girl is doing great in a very nice school and she is finishing her degree so she is willing to put up with a lot of crap.

 

She's willing to put up with no sex right now, but I have a feeling this will all end badly as she already admitted she doesn't love him and could never see them getting married (I HOPE she's telling the truth). He has a temper and is capable of serious violence if she really pissed him off.

 

What do I tell this girl? I already know the responses I will get, but remember this girl has the best intentions and is super positive and wants it all to work. It's hopeless isn't it? Is it the typical dependency relationship where it all unravels one day? Even after all this she talks about how he promises everything will change after she earns her degree... What do I tell her?

[Kantriakhor]

He's an abuser who feels women have wronged him in the past so he's also bitter. She should leave the relationship unless he can change (which, call me a cynic, I find doubtful).

[purpleduckie]

why is she letting him take care of her financially? that's pretty convenient for her, isn't it?

[pedal]

Let me be very direct... I told her the very same thing over and over before she went back and it almost ended our friendship.

 

He isn't verbally/physically abusing her yet, in fact, according to her, they don't argue at all, but I have a feeling it's her giving in to him at all times.

[pedal]

why is she letting him take care of her financially? that's pretty convenient for her, isn't it?

 

She will be the first to admit that one of the reasons she went back was convenience of him taking care of her.

 

How do these sick relationships play out? Do they ever end a different way than badly cuz he's a control freak?

[purpleduckie]

She will be the first to admit that one of the reasons she went back was convenience of him taking care of her.

 

How do these sick relationships play out? Do they ever end a different way than badly cuz he's a control freak?

 

I think both are at fault. She is using him financially and he probably feels that since she depends on him financially that he's allowed to treat her the way he does.

[HeartGoesOn]

Unfortunately there is nothing more you can do, since she's choosing to turn a deaf ear on you, and everyone else.

 

She put herself in the position of being at his mercy, by depending on him, and IMO, she's at a more dangerous risk for further physical abuse. Since he has physically abused her once, he will do it again. Hopefully she sees the light before this happens.

 

All the best...

[jul-els]

He's nothing more than a sugar daddy. She's deluding herself if she thinks there's anything more to the relationship than that. If she's happy with that then she's happy but if not she should get out. I don't see any foundation for a real connection between the two of them. Since this type of arrangement usually includes sex, the fact that he isn't interested means this relationship will only continue to deteriorate and he may decide he wants to become abusive towards her again. Things are going to go downhill one way or the other so if she's smart she will leave now before that starts to happen.