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When you say to a man 'let's not meet for a month', what is he supposed to do if he cares? I didn't mean to break up but now i think i did. He just said 'ok if it s better for you' He was stroking my hair, holding my hand, wanted to stay over a night, said he cared and then I pointed at the door. He walked out of my life and now we are NC. He accepted it, because he 'respects' my decision. I hoped he would struggle for me - I broke up but I feel dumped, abandoned, deceived. Am i not right? the one who cares would try to do something..

On the other hand I keep thinking - maybe I can apologise everything, close my eyes because I want him back? And he would come. But then when I say walk away he d do it equally easily.... What do you guys think? Badly need an advice or every minute I risk to drawn in my own illusions...

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You shouldnt test people because they might not be playing games and see it as atest. YOu could call him or email and tell him you want to see him.

 

But it was not meant to be a test. I was unhappy in the relationship because he didnt treat me well! and he didnt agree when I told him. And so instead of changing something he doesnt even attempt...

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I think i explained it really bad in the original post.. there was a reason to break up but i hoped to the last that he will struggle and if he did i would accept all his wrongs. but the fact that he didnt makes his indifference too obvious doesnt it? i just hate to think i imagined his feelings...

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It was a test and he failed.

 

 

Honestly, if you are still at a point in your life where you think that game playing will get you anywhere...specificially bring up what sounds like a break up talk...then you aren't ready for a relationship with anyone and he is better off without you. Least that's what I'd say to the man that tells me his girlfriend is doing all sorts of tests to see how he reacts.

 

No man should be your lab rat. How would you feel if you were dating someone who wanted to play all sorts of mind games and jerk you around in a sick game of cat and mouse just to see how they react?

 

Gameplayers make me sick...and you are a gameplayer.

 

Sorry it backfired.

 

Quit the gameplaying and try a real approach to a relationship, I bet you will get better results!

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He accepted it, because he 'respects' my decision. I hoped he would struggle for me - I broke up but I feel dumped, abandoned, deceived. Am i not right?

Let me get this straight... YOU feel dumped, abandoned, and deceived? And HE "failed" by respecting your decision? Um... okayyyy

 

No, you are not right.

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Let me get this straight... YOU feel dumped, abandoned, and deceived? And HE "failed" by respecting your decision? Um... okayyyy

 

No, you are not right.

 

What shall I do then? i was pushing him into changing some aspects of our relationship, then I said ok, I m sick of it - let s not meet for a month. How else can you push a guy if everything else doesnt work????

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You don't push, you communicate your feelings and work on the relationship together.

 

Has it been a month yet?

 

Yeah more. Since winter actually.

So it was stupid of me to think that he would realise he might lose me and immediately change his behaviour. Might there be a possibility that he does care given he doesn't fight for me?

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There might be yes, but theres also a possibilty that he meant what he said and is respecting your decision.

 

Why didnt you contact him after a month? I think the ball was in your court and you didn't do it? I don't get it.

 

Are you thinking of contacting him now? I think its a risk as it also possible that your too late now anyhow and he's moved on. It's up to you.

 

Don't play games with peoples lives, especially your own and the people that care about you.

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What shall I do then? i was pushing him into changing some aspects of our relationship, then I said ok, I m sick of it - let s not meet for a month. How else can you push a guy if everything else doesnt work????

Well, it probably wouldn't hurt to take a long look at yourself before anything else. Clearly there's a communication problem here, and you seem to have a switched-around perspective on this relationship. For example, YOU dumped him and pointed to the door, yet you phrase it as if "he walked out". If this is how you've viewed pre-breakup attempts at communication, then it's no surprise that nothing changed. FWIW, his respecting YOUR DECISION to breakup-break-NC-whatever more likely shows his strength of character, as opposed to the heartless perspective you have on it.

 

What should you do? Well, if you're sure that you've done all you feel is possible to communicate your relationship concerns (in a mature way), and feel that these things will not change... then you need to let him go.

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Oh I m so grateful to you all... I see now. It s my first serious relationship, I m young and he s older - I guess it s normal that I need mature help... I m feeling very childish right now and ashamed. But I m so happy that it is my mistake. It means I can change the things..

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Hi MsMargarita

 

It sounds to me like your relationship was way too imbalanced - you were FAR more into him than he was into you. You threatened a breakup with him and he took it as an easy way out - he couldn't be bothered.

 

Honestly, walk away from this mess.

 

Sorrt I cannot be anymore positive but I don't see a lot of hope here.

 

Mark

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Oh I m so grateful to you all... I see now. It s my first serious relationship, I m young and he s older - I guess it s normal that I need mature help... I m feeling very childish right now and ashamed. But I m so happy that it is my mistake. It means I can change the things..

Yes, you can change things, but only things about yourself. And change must be meaningful. If nothing else, what you should take away from all this is knowledge - wisdom. That manipulation (games) have no healthy place in any relationship, and that honesty is a cornerstone.

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You can never get someone else to change; sometimes people are thoughtless and cause offence without meaning to, and it's OK to express your feelings openly when this happens. Then you need to let go the outcome, it can't be as a way of 'changing' the other person. If someone persists doing something which they know upsets you, that says something about them and you need to ask yourself if you still want this relationship.

 

But I have to say that if I had a significant other who suggested no contact for a month, I'd respect that decision. But there's NO WAY I'd fight for them under these circumstances, and to do so would be to set myself up for more hurtful treatment - no matter how much I cared to begin with, this would send me running fast in the other direction, so I'm not surprised your fella has done the same.

 

But you can learn from this. Don't test people. Either you feel OK in a relationship or you don't; if you don't, be honest about what's bugging you. This may stop it, it may not, but if somebody is acting in a certain way this is saying something about them - just as your recent actions are saying something about you. This means you don't have to take things personally, just decide for yourself whether you are happy in this situation or not.

 

But remember - you can never, ever, change another person. No matter how skilful a manipulator you are, no matter how successful you are in the short term, in the long term you need to be honest both with yourself and your SO.

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