resentment and getting over it...

[fern9]

I have posted a few times about my problems my wife and I have.

 

Many of them continue to persist and everytime we talk about our problems it really all goes back to when we were trying to get through a prenup.

 

She felt blind sided by it and I probably didn't communicate that it would be needed but I also wonder what she was thinking when her economic situation coming into the marriage was lots of debt and poor/ no credit and me being tied up in a family businesses, that something like that would have to be worked out... but I digress.

 

Here is the question:

 

She tells me that that issue/ problem hurt her "to the core" and that a person can never get over something like that. Am I faced with her resentment throughout the course of our marriage? Can she get over it? This idea makes it sound like, to me, that she has no intentions of trying to get over it because she has already decided that it is not a possibility. Can she really be hurt so bad that she will not get over it and thus it will always be a part of our marriage?

 

If so I'm not sure I want that.

 

 

 

Things are going ok right now so I don't really want to bring it up again in discussion because it always leads to anger. But I am often left unsatisfied in our marriage, emotionally, sexually, and on top of that she is very organized I am not at all. Thus she is always on me about that. We are moving soon and I pretty much plan to keep most of my stuff in the basement so as not to create an issue with her but I see that may cause me mental anguish by feeling like I am relegated out of the house.

[Tethys]

Is she using her feelings over the prenup to deprive you of sex and intimacy? If she signed a pre-nup before your marriage, in the interest of your family, what is the issue now?

[hayky3126]

Fern, I understand you dont want to bring this kind of discussion up again but you need to realize if you are unsatisfied now... Nothing is going to change either one of your perspectives unless talked out.

If this hurt her so badly and she didnt feel like she could really ever forgive you, well she wouldnt stick around. Remember, marriage is hard work but if you can find ways to endure through it, its awesome!!

[NowandZen]

Can she get over it? Sure. People have gotten over much worse. The fact that she is still hanging onto it tells me that she has a reason for doing so. Everything we do has a psychological payoff, whether it's good for us or not.

 

Maybe she likes having something to hold over you. Maybe she feels it gives her power. I'm just spitballing, it could be anything.

 

YOU can refuse to be held hostage by it. If you have explained yourself, and expressed your regret by the way it was handled, that's all you can do. You cannot change what you did. If it is brought up again, just say, "excuse me, but I have done all I can do about that. It's over, and can't be changed. If you want to talk about something else, I am willing."

 

I hate to be a doomsayer, but this doesn't look good to me. People who REFUSE to put it in the past usually end up sabotaging the relationship.

 

Good luck to you.

[allypally]

I can relate to this post being guilty of hanging onto something that happened in the past.

 

I am still stuck behind a very high wall and by choosing to live in fear.

[alli]

That's too bad she is so hurt by this. A prenup is just a good idea when there is a significant difference in assets and money between a couple. No one wants to think a safeguard is necessary because that is acknowledging the possibility that the marriage will not work out. I don't see this as something to be hurt by; it just makes sense.

 

Honestly I'm not sure if I would want to request a prenup if/when my bf & I get married. He has good credit & pays his debts, but money just burns a hole in his pocket. Cannot save money for the life of him. I try to not splurge much at all (still driving the same little crappy car I had in high school) and thus there is a significant difference in our savings. But I don't want him to feel like your wife feels & cause a problem when I would like to think the prenup wouldn't even be necessary anyway.

 

Tough situation bud. How long have you been married now?

[Tethys]

My understanding is that the prenup was involved to protect a family business, which is pretty standard. It's unfair for her to bring it up again and again, as this is a family issue, not a personal one. I think she might be using that as an excuse.

[fern9]

We've been married for 1.5 yrs.

 

Alli what I can tell you from learning the hard way is to be open and communicate on the prenup. Our problem was I am used to doing business on a daily basis, for her the legal language and negotiating was foreign and she felt like it was an adversarial thing.

 

And like Tethys said it was a family business matter but she sees it as excluding her from a portion of my life. Working in the family business is tough because she feels that I am not sharing my life with her because me working with family she feels she gets left out of the loop on things and there are things, almost all business related, that family members I work with know more about than her. But because I have to talk business not only at work but anytime I am with my family I have no desire to go home and talk about it, I just want to be away from it for the few hours that I get in the evenings and weekends. I have made a more concerted effort to fill her in on the basics of what is going on but it is a subject that she doesn't know well and thus doesn't really even have the vocabulary to discuss so it is just exhausting trying to explain.

So yes, she has a wall up. and has told me she has a wall up. Last few times we discussed it she stated that she had given up trying and when I suggested counseling she said that she was past that. I asked well then what are we supposed to do? Right now things are ok but I know they'll come up again. I don't want to bring all this up when things are ok.

But if/ when it comes up again and she has the same attitude I don't know what to do. I get so frustrated and angry about it because to her all the problems we are having are my fault. And she can make me feel that way to, I get down on myself and think that I am the one that needs to change and that I am no good.

 

Our last fight was terrible, I've never had anyone make me so angry and frustrated before in my life. I lost control of myself and she just fueled it by laughing at my anger. No one apologized after the fight because neither thought they were in the wrong.

[Circe]

I might be on my own in this one but I'd feel "hurt to the core" too if I'd been asked to sign a pre nup. I would not have gotten married if that had been asked of me.

 

I have no debts, I work, I'm skilled, I'm responsible with money. But my H (who is all of those things) came into this marriage with a whole lot more of it than me. In fact I didn't know until it was time for us to buy our first home, how much he actually had.

 

But if he had ever asked for a pre-nup it would be over. You have to give so much of yourself in a marriage or any relationship you intend to last for life. It would really hurt me to think that he was making provisions for "in case" it didn't work out.

 

Now I know that rationally its sensible and all that. But to be truthful, I would really struggle emotionally to be able to get over that.

 

It's a bit like saying: "I love you and want to spend my life with you but if it doesnt work out I'm going to make sure you don't take any of my assets". It's just not a nice thing to have said to you. And it would put a very bad taste in a lot of peoples mouths to be honest.

 

And to say its a family affair etc is really unfair if you ask me. She's your wife. She's family. No wonder she feels resentment that she's only temporarily part of the family. Or only conditionally part of the family. Hence all these provisions to protect your interests against hers. You and your family v Her.

 

I just would not like the way it feels. I know divorce happens and it happens a lot and people get screwed over. But emotionally I just couldnt accept a pre nup so I understand where she is coming from.

[allypally]

I guess I can see why A listers/super rich have them carried out as millions are at stake and they have to protect themselves as they can never be sure if they will be taken for a ride.

 

But in every day life, I agree with Indigo - don't see the point.

[NowandZen]

I guess I can see why A listers/super rich have them carried out as millions are at stake and they have to protect themselves as they can never be sure if they will be taken for a ride.

 

But in every day life, I agree with Indigo - don't see the point.

 

Not that I am an expert, but I think the point is to protect the interests of those EXTERNAL to the marriage. In a family business, and I have seen this happen, you don't want to have to break up the business to satisfy a divorce action. This is particularly true in small businesses where they may have a net worth, but not much cash.

 

Also, when you have children from previous marriages, you may want to protect certain assets bought to the marriage for the sake of your children.

 

Like any agreement, marriage is, in part, a contract, and whatever is spelled out in advance is better for all.

[Circe]

Not that I am an expert, but I think the point is to protect the interests of those EXTERNAL to the marriage. In a family business, and I have seen this happen, you don't want to have to break up the business to satisfy a divorce action. This is particularly true in small businesses where they may have a net worth, but not much cash.

 

Also, when you have children from previous marriages, you may want to protect certain assets bought to the marriage for the sake of your children.

 

Like any agreement, marriage is, in part, a contract, and whatever is spelled out in advance is better for all.

 

But what about any other family fall out? Say one of the sons had a massive fight with the dad and wanted to sell his share? Or be bought out etc?

 

It could happen at any point and the same way they (the members of the husband's family) have not made legal provisions against family fall outs among them - they shouldn't (unless they want her to feel like non-family) make them against her, should there be a divorce.

 

I don't want to overstress the point because I do see the other side of it, especially in the family business situation. But at the same time i can see where the hurt comes from and why it persists.

 

OP I think it will persist for about as long as the pre-nup persists.

[NowandZen]

But what about any other family fall out? Say one of the sons had a massive fight with the dad and wanted to sell his share? Or be bought out etc?

 

It could happen at any point and the same way they (the members of the husband's family) have not made legal provisions against family fall outs among them - they shouldn't (unless they want her to feel like non-family) make them against her, should there be a divorce.

 

I don't want to overstress the point because I do see the other side of it, especially in the family business situation. But at the same time i can see where the hurt comes from and why it persists.

 

OP I think it will persist for about as long as the pre-nup persists.

 

Valid points, and all the more reason for an agreement. If the son and father have a falling out, and it does happen, then an agreement needs to exist for that possibility. Same as with a prenup. An agreement does NOT have to be unfair to one party or another, it just needs to exist.

[fern9]

yeah that would be an internal business issue, which is different than having a breakdown in a external relationship cause a need to sell of business assets to pay off in cash for the equivalent value of those assets.

 

 

So yesterday we did some stuff for our house we are working on and after I had planned to train for a race that I have coming up. My wife said she wanted to go out to dinner immediately after but I told her that I had planned on training. To which she said I figured that you would want to do that yet she still got up set at me. So after I get back from training I asked her if she remembered the night before when I told her that my event is coming up in less than a month and she said yes, but that as a wife she feels she can express her emotions and that she feels neglected. TO which I responded that she ignores me all the time (does not like me to touch her, does not say good morning unless I say it first, and goes to bed without telling me she is doing so or saying goodnight etc.)

 

After that I had to go out and get some food because despite my asking she did not pick anything up for me when she was getting her food. Now we had just gone out to dinner the previous evening. Am I the bad guy here for not dropping my plans because she wants to go out to dinner? Is she justified in feeling neglected because of this despite the way she treats me?

 

I guess my issue in this situation is she makes me feel like I am the bad guy and the one that needs to change my ways, but I start thinking that and then think wait a minute, she told me that she knew before even asking me that I would be training yet she still got upset about, it's like a trap. And then I get angry that she is going to sit around and pout because she feels neglected?

 

She often tells me something like: "I just wish I had a partner that..."

the last part is always the opposite of what I am doing such as: would have fun and enjoy going out and doing things with me- I could but she is so unpleasent to be around that those things aren't fun

or

help me build a home- this one often comes up because she is much more neat and organized than me

or in this latest case

would want to take me out to dinner- really because you didn't both to say goodnight last night or say anything to me that morning before you walk out of the house.

 

I am pissed, frustrated hurt and lost. And I always feel that I am the one doing wrong, but at the same time I think she plays into what is going on too. Any advice?

[NowandZen]

I would try to remember that you own 50% of this relationship, BUT NO MORE. Everything she does, is her choice. You can fall into emotional angst with her, or not. It's up to you. Overall, I would make sure that she knows you hear her, and talk to her SEPARATELY about the things that are bothering you, in a non-judgmental way. (Attack leads to defense, which leads to more attack)

 

HTH

[Circe]

Why can't you two just sit and have a conversation about all this? She's not being reasonable in getting mad at you for not taking her out to dinner straight away.

 

But really, isn't it obvious that her upset/anger/resentment/sadness about this is really just another expression of her upset over other things?

 

I actually think, whatever the core issue is, you have to address it and work on it. It doesn't sound like she is going to get over it on her own.

 

My husband and I occasionally fight. He never starts a fight. It's me. There is one thing that happened in our past that upset me and I'm still struggling to get over it completely. I've talked to him about it but the truth is, it's a really stupid thing and I know it's something that I can't validly hold onto because it's just not reasonable to still keep on about it. So I stopped going on about it.

 

Every now and then (not often) something will happen that reminds me of it. And all the emotions associated with it come flooding in. I have now picked a fight with the poor man, twice, because of this. The fight is always about something else. The "something else" isn't really what has upset me.. it's the memory of the old thing. But I feel stuck because I don't feel like i can keep going back to the old thing (it's ridiculous) and yet I feel all those negative emotions and just have to get it all out. So I pick a fight over something else.

 

The second time this happened I realised that I can't keep doing this. It's not fair on him. It's silly to argue when there is no real need to argue. So what I have to do is work on trully getting over the underlying issue. And I can do that. I'm almost there and I have no doubt I'll be completely over it with some time. (It really is a very trivial, silly thing which was my own fault in the first place.)

 

But if your wife isn't going through that process of working out the underlying issue, by herself or with you (because perhaps the fights over the real issue have been exhausted, although the issue not resolved) - then it's going to have to be you who allows her to bring it up again and work on it until you're both happy with the outcome.

 

I'm guessing it's the pre-nup issue but it might be something else.

 

I think the rest of the crappiness surrounding your relationship is a result of resentment that she's built up over the underlying issue.

[steelcitymstro]

Hi Fern....I not only read through this thread, but also some of the other threads that you've posted since you've joined this site. I relate really strongly to your situation in terms of having a less-than-spectacular sex life, never feeling like I am enough for my wife and constantly walking the tightrope with all of her little emotional issues. And yes, my wife has pulled the "hurt me to the core" stuff too.

 

I agree with the other folks who have suggested that she likes to have something to hold over your head. I don't think the whole prenup thing hurt her as much as she's trying to lead you to believe. It probably just gives her another tool in her toolbox to control you. So, even though it hurts you when she continues to go on about it, try not to dwell on it. This is a symptom of a problem....not the problem itself.

 

Your wife sounds a lot like mine--either hot or cold. My wife often goes without saying goodnight or good morning and will either want to be cuddled to the point of being smothering, or keep a minimum distance of 300 yards.... The best advice I can give is that, if you notice that the things that you do get a negative reaction out of your wife, try the opposite. For example, I was having a rough time at work awhile ago and really needed to be able to come home and vent. What I didn't realize was that I wasn't venting as much as I was just bringing all of the negativity from work back home. When it became apparent that my bad vibes were having a bad effect on our homelife, I backed off BIG time. In little time at all, my wife was able to get a little breathing room and it got her attention that I had a sudden change of attitude. When she realized that I was being more receptive to what she needed out of her husband when I came home at the end of the day, she immediately became more receptive to letting me vent. If she still complains when you do the opposite of what you've been doing, then it's easy to call her on it (i.e. "When I do___________ you complained that I _______________, but now I do ________________ and you complain about that too!).

 

One last thought. You and I seem to have another thing in common. As someone who has had depression, you sound like you may also be depressed. Depression puts you in a fog that skews how you view and respond to situations in your relationship. Don't be afraid to talk to your doctor if you agree that you're depressed--you could be easily helped if it is the case. I know it's easy to be depressed when what you thought would be "happily ever after" turns out to be a constant battle. Show your wife what kind of marriage you want through your words and actions (which I'm sure you do) and don't relent when times get tough (which is a lot harder to do, but key to success).