irishpinay21 Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 Hello! first off im new on this site, and im really glad that i found it. it seems extremely helpful! Anyways, i seem to be in somewaht of a predicament here. Just to give a little backround, im in my first year of college im 18 and so is my girlfriend. we've been together for a little over a year and a half, and we are both each other's first girlfriends. we started out as best friends for three years and in the summer before our senior year of high school we ended up confessing our feelings (scary, and nervewracking memory there!) and we've been together ever since. Much to my happiness, we dont really fight much and when we do its seems to always be about this one thing.. or should i say this one girl. by the time half of our senior year went by, i started noticing the interaction between my girl and one of our friends. it didnt bother me quite so much at first but then it became very irritating. they would always be flirting with each other constantly (playing with each others hands, always touching each other in some way or another, not to mention the fact that this girl looked like she was in heaven while hugging my girlfriend). So anyway, the other detail i forgot to mention was that this girl is "straight" and since this has been bothering me, both my girlfriend and i have been trying to determine if she is gay or bi or not. because i think she shows signs of it sometimes and other times not so much. The other thing i forgot to mention is that we are not out. only a few ppl know about our relationship, so this girl does not know about us either. Okay, to the point. sorry. i get carried away. i get mad at my girlfriend for flirting with her, but her excuse is that that has always been the basis of their relationship, just being flirty with each other. but i dont really agree with that. and when i get mad at her for it she gets mad at me for being nit picky. she says that she doesnt have any interest in her, but she doesnt stop flirting. This conflict happened for a good, long part of my senior year, and then it stopped but only really when they quit hanging out with each other. Recently, they started randomly hanging out again and, POOF!..back to the same old, same old. and i dont understand how hard it could possibly be to just stop. i have talked to her about it many times, and i feel that it doesnt really go anywhere. in the past, she has "tried" to change things, and she tells me that she gets over it because i tell her something along the lines of "thanks for your effort, but this thing and that things still bothered me". basically she labels me as never sattisfied with any effort that she makes. and i plainly just feel that she is not trying hard enough. i just want to know if i am in the wrong for being very angry/sometimes hurt by this, or if i should try to get over it and just back off? sorry, i just wrote a book, but any response would be great. thanks. Link to comment
Beautiful Nightmare Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 Aww, I'm sorry. That sounds like a sucky situation. I definitely don't think you're wrong to feel upset about this. I'd be very annoyed as well. Your girlfriend is being a bit insensitive about the issue. Have you thought about asking this other girl if she's gay/bi, or how she feels about your girlfriend? Sometimes asking bluntly is the only way to get an answer, and your girlfriend might feel differently about the situation if she found out. Either way, I wouldn't just back off. Their flirting makes you uncomfortable and therefore your girlfriend is crossing boundaries. I'd keep talking to her. Get her to see your point of view. Link to comment
lukeb Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 There really isnt a right or wrong, I would say there probably are some trust and possibly some insecurity issues. Your gf seems to be crossing a boundary as far as you are concerned, you need to figure out if you really have something to worry about. The bigger issue is that this is driving a wedge between the two of you and I dont think this is likely going away. The more you press the issue the more likely you are driving your gf away and possibly towards someone else. Could be this "straight" girl or someone else. Allowing your gf some freedom to flirt, if this is something you can live with, and you trust her would dissolve this conflict between the two of you. Link to comment
irishpinay21 Posted March 31, 2009 Author Share Posted March 31, 2009 i tell myself all the time that i should give her more freedom to flirt, and sometimes i try, but its really really hard for me. i think ive found that im a pretty jelous person especially when it comes to this situation. its like ive already made a mental note in my head that whenever she comes up or i know theyre gonna hang i dont like it. at all. and the problem with asking this girl what her sexual orientation is, is the fact that we arent out yet, and dont plan on being out. and she has a younger sister that she would tell... and the sister would tell everyone at my old high school.. which may result in my family finding out.. which would not be acceptable whatsoever and would pretty much ruin my life. believe me, ive wanted to let this girl know what was up many times in the past. the situation freakin sucks. and i feel so defeated. Link to comment
lukeb Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 I agree you're in a tough spot while you feel she is crossing a line, your gf clearly feels she isnt. What is the relationship between you and the "straight" girl. Are you also jealous of the closeness the friend enjoys with your gf? Link to comment
irishpinay21 Posted March 31, 2009 Author Share Posted March 31, 2009 We are friends, not close, but friends. except for the fact that i think a during high school im pretty sure she got the vibe from me randomly that i disliked her. and the poor thing probably didnt or maybe even still doesnt know why unless she has pieced it together by now. and i have to add that i pretty much like her.. when shes not around my gf. i would say that, yes, i am a little jealous of the closeness she enjoys with my gf. Link to comment
Beautiful Nightmare Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 We are friends, not close, but friends. except for the fact that i think a during high school im pretty sure she got the vibe from me randomly that i disliked her. and the poor thing probably didnt or maybe even still doesnt know why unless she has pieced it together by now. and i have to add that i pretty much like her.. when shes not around my gf. i would say that, yes, i am a little jealous of the closeness she enjoys with my gf. In that case, I think you should trust your girlfriend and try to work on your jealousy. Insecurity can be a rough thing to go through, but I think if you care about your relationship you'll find a way to deal with it. It might not be easy at first, it'll get easier. Link to comment
irishpinay21 Posted March 31, 2009 Author Share Posted March 31, 2009 thank you for all the replies! it is much appreciated. im gonna try to work it out.. : / Link to comment
greywolf Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 I think this is something you're going to have to learn to accept or walk away from. You can't force your gf to change if she doesn't want to. Link to comment
Nina_2009 Posted April 1, 2009 Share Posted April 1, 2009 Okey, here is my theory on that sort of jealousy. For me jealousy comes from two different sources: from the insecurity of the one who is jealous or from the cheating of the one who makes the other one jealous. If it is the second case, then you are hurt in a flash, it is painful, as a result love dies and relationship become a history. If it is the first case, then it is lack of trust and there is nothing much the other person can do to feed these insecurities and calm another person down. You need to figure out which case is yours. From your posting it is not clear for me. Another piece of advise do not focus on how your friend relate to other people, focus on YOUR relationship. Who cares what she does with others? What really matters is what she does with you. If it is a solid and serious one-in-a-million relationship who cares about anything else? However if it is not one-in-a-million relationship, do you really believe it will become the one if your lover will stop flirting with another girl? Another thing. Let's imagine your lover really has something for this girl, she is her escape, her carefree vacation, her pill for stress and your observations are valid. Let's wonder why? Obviously because your relationship for one reason or another are not enough for her, they miss something, there is not enough of connection, trust, love, etc. Again, there is no point in being jealous about this another girl, again, it is better to focus on your relationship and see - may be there is something that is seriously missing, may be not only for your lover but for you too. So my main advice - stop focusing on this girl, she is not a reason for your misunderstandings. She is just a result of those. Link to comment
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