pace of ace Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 I need some support here. I'm feeling really compelled to text or call my ex. I'm on day 6 of NC and it's around this time i start to get jittery. I feel really anxious at the moment 'cos i can feel myself slipping. Technically, i'm in LC with my ex, but i'm not initiating. I realise i have to try and get out of the hole i'm in. Stop initiating contact, really stop 100%. It is a place to start and go from there.... get my strength gradually, and take each day as it comes. I'm in a place right now where i'm not over my ex and i haven't got her back (something i do want) Basically, i want one or the other now, and right now i have neither. It's been 13 (yes THIRTEEN) months since our break up from a 4 year relationship, and i'm still stuck. Due to my own fault of not ever being able to fully go NC.... and allowing myself to hope, largely due to my ex admitting still having feelings for me. We also slept together 2 months ago which has simply put me right back.... before that point, in my own way, i was getting there! but i'm really trying to help myself now, and could really use some words of encouragement. Link to comment
KT99 Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 Pace of Ace hang in there.It's tough. I'm on day 4 of NC too. Thing is if we keep doing the same things over and over we'll keep getting the same results. It sucks but it's true. Are you doing anything during this NC period to challenge yourself and grow? I think that's when NC is successful, because we are not merely counting the days we are actually "moving on". Figure out three things you would like to start doing and start doing them one at a time. Good luck! Link to comment
pace of ace Posted March 31, 2009 Author Share Posted March 31, 2009 Thanks KT99 I'm trying to improve myself, but in truth i don't really know how to. I'm trying to let go of neediness and insecurity. I am at the point now where i really want to move on, but i'm stuck. It's getting to me a bit now. Link to comment
Clabs Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 Hey Pace You recognise that you need to move forward and that the current strategy wasn't really working. You KNOW what you need to do, fella, and we can help you get through it. It is as hard as hell, I know that, but it WILL get easier if you are really strong and give it a go this time. What do you reckon? Mark Link to comment
KT99 Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 Thanks KT99 I'm trying to improve myself, but in truth i don't really know how to. I'm trying to let go of neediness and insecurity. I am at the point now where i really want to move on, but i'm stuck. It's getting to me a bit now. I know the feeling. But you can get out of it, but you can't rely on your ex to get you there, you have to do it yourself. That might mean becoming selfish (something I am sure you don't want to be) and being the "bad guy" by severing all ties. But if it's truly affecting YOUR life, and YOUR ability to move forward it might be the last resort. You KNOW your ex is happy with the status quo, and you're not. Why should she get everything she wants and you only get a crumb of what you want? Ex'es who want these sorts of "relationships" are really no better than married people who cheat. They want their cake and to eat it too. They won't commit to you completely but yet they are too selfish to let you go. What a crappy realionship to be in. Seeing it from this perspective has actually HELPED me to maintain NC so far. Link to comment
pace of ace Posted March 31, 2009 Author Share Posted March 31, 2009 Hey Pace You recognise that you need to move forward and that the current strategy wasn't really working. You KNOW what you need to do, fella, and we can help you get through it. It is as hard as hell, I know that, but it WILL get easier if you are really strong and give it a go this time. What do you reckon? Mark Hey Mark, Yeah i really need to give it a go. I've had enough. It's been 13 months and i really was making headway, but since we slept together back in January, i'm back on my backside all over again... it was a fun, but clearly a mistake. Do you think i should speak to her about a period of NC? Where i ask her not to contact me? I know i haven't got it in me to simply cut her off without saying anything. Link to comment
pace of ace Posted March 31, 2009 Author Share Posted March 31, 2009 good for you kt99. I'm thinking my current way of doing this clearly isn't working for me. I need a few months i think where we don't speak at all so i can get myself together Link to comment
KT99 Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 good for you kt99. I'm thinking my current way of doing this clearly isn't working for me. I need a few months i think where we don't speak at all so i can get myself together Yes, I think THAT is the key. Don't think too far ahead though..right now I am focusing on getting through two weeks, then we'll see where I am. You can do it..don't let HER dictate your happiness. Link to comment
pace of ace Posted March 31, 2009 Author Share Posted March 31, 2009 I'm trying not to. I know i can do this, but i need to MAKE myself. I've lost the whole of last year being stuck on her and i don't wanna do the same again. My ex still tells me how "speacial" "lovely" i am, but she doesn't want me. Nothing i have done to this point has worked in either getting her back or healing and i know some real time apart is the only solution to either. Link to comment
KT99 Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 Hey Mark, Yeah i really need to give it a go. I've had enough. It's been 13 months and i really was making headway, but since we slept together back in January, i'm back on my backside all over again... it was a fun, but clearly a mistake. Do you think i should speak to her about a period of NC? Where i ask her not to contact me? I know i haven't got it in me to simply cut her off without saying anything. I know you didn't ask me..but I think not telling her is the best way. From what I've read, announcing your intentions only gives them MORE power. I think being more distant, less accessible, more mysterious is the best route. Because if you decide you DO want to contact them you can do it on your timetable. Just because they call, doesn't mean you have to answer. Just because they email doesn't mean you have to reply right away. Remember, you're not in a relationship with them .They don't have the right to get upset anymore. Link to comment
dqueen Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 Pace of ace (cool name btw!), you did a good thing by posting here. I am also on day 6 of NC like you and it is starting to feel like I can't breathe. Luckily, I don't feel the urge to contact him but I'm wondering why he has not contacted me yet (how ironic huh??). I had to sit down and force myself to accept the fact that I am/was addicted to my ex and how bad he was to me. I know we tend to think of the good times and miss them but for me, those good times were just a facade. Whenever I find myself slipping, I quickly tell myself that he cheated on me and treated me like dirt in front of our mutual friends. That kicks me to the anger stage and I convert that anger into strength...if that makes sense. I will keep doing this until I forget him. I hope that day will come soon for me, and for you too. Link to comment
Clabs Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 Hi again Pace I tend to agree with KT - you don't need to tell her what you are doing. Your whole focus needs to change now - you have to do everything to help you. Mark Link to comment
pace of ace Posted March 31, 2009 Author Share Posted March 31, 2009 I know you didn't ask me..but I think not telling her is the best way. From what I've read, announcing your intentions only gives them MORE power. I think being more distant, less accessible, more mysterious is the best route. Because if you decide you DO want to contact them you can do it on your timetable. Just because they call, doesn't mean you have to answer. Just because they email doesn't mean you have to reply right away. Remember, you're not in a relationship with them .They don't have the right to get upset anymore. appreciate your opinion though. Reason i asked clabs is cos i've been kicking around this forum about 9 months now and he knows my whole story. good response though kt99, i think you have a point in that. Link to comment
pace of ace Posted March 31, 2009 Author Share Posted March 31, 2009 Hi again Pace I tend to agree with KT - you don't need to tell her what you are doing. Your whole focus needs to change now - you have to do everything to help you. Mark Cheers Mark, i was hopeing you wouldn't give a different opinion otherwise i'd have to pick one! lol!!! as always, you are awesome Mark. How's the back anyway? better? Link to comment
pace of ace Posted March 31, 2009 Author Share Posted March 31, 2009 Cheers dqueen. The name comes from an in joke one of my brothers used to come out with. The "ace" part is a reference to a character from a popular comedy show here in England. I'm really sorry to hear you were cheated on, that is so low i can't explain it. I'm no saint (well, not quite but i have never cheated on a girlfriend and never will. You deserve better.... in a strange way, that anger must be great motivation to keep up nc. He doesn't deserve to know you still think of him. Tell you what, i'll stick to nc if you do! deal? Link to comment
Clabs Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 Hey Pace Thanks for asking - back not too bad! Link to comment
jennamajig Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 Pace - what helps in NC for me is this: Pretend she is dead. You can't talk to her because she's gone. Truly gone, forever. It is a hard and even morbid idea, but it makes you live your life without her. If she's dead, she can't know about your life and you can't turn to her, inform her, or ask her opinion. She's not there. One thing about break-ups is that from the second they happen both parties have given up the right to know each other's business. And even if you want her back, until she's on the same page (which could be never), you don't owe it to her to be part of her life. Hang in there. You can do it. Link to comment
InRecovery Posted April 1, 2009 Share Posted April 1, 2009 Pace I can't do enough to promote NC. Last week I was so down, I posted some messages going into this. Iwas breaking down. It was the 3/4 week of NC. And then all of a sudden this week I feel ... almost detached from her. Free almost. I stumbled on a picture of her and after a month of no contact or snooping it felt like I was looking at a stranger. And having that space from her and then confronting an image of her, it seems to have done me the world of good to realise I was struggling to let go of what I had hoped for even though it had long since departed. Stick with it, doing it has allowed me to focus on me, more then what I can do for her. I still think about her a lot, but I can control my thoughts a lot more because of the no contact. I don't plan on ever getting in touch with her. And if she got in touch then I'd be looking for apologies for her, rather then throwing myself at her feet. NC has started giving me back the power. Stick with it. Don't tell them what you're doing. Just do it for you. Link to comment
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