BrokenheartUK Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 Very brief story I was with my ex for two amazing years. We were so well suited and connected I have never felt anything like it before or since. I broke up with her in September due to my own fear of commitment and wanted her back in January. She turned me down and got a new boyfriend at the end of January. I'm in counselling, recognise my problems, am addressing them and still love her. I want us to be together in the future and get married one day when I have conquered my personal issues, but I know that my chance with her is gone. This is NOT the point of this post, I know I have lost her forever. I am currently in NC with her and have been ever since I found out she had a new boyfriend. The thought of her being with another guy breaks my heart and I do all I can every day not to think about them together, but it's hard. NC is the only thing that is doing me any good and allowing me to slowly heal. Unfortunately as a result of NC I have had to stop going to all the places and doing a lot of the things I used to, as we share the same circle of friends and frequent the same pubs, clubs etc. Seeing her and her new boyfriend together is too hard for me still, I saw them for the first time on Sunday as I was going by in the car and it was enough to destroy me for the evening and most of yesterday. My question is, what do I do? I feel like she has stolen my life. She still sees all my friends, goes out to all the places I would like to go and is out there having a great time with her new guy. I, on the other hand, feel like I am trapped in a box with no hope of being able to go out and have a good time for the foreseeable future. I know I am allowing her the power to stop me living my life. But when NC dictates that I avoid her for the sake of my own healing, what do I do? I live in such a tiny city that I find myself doing things like walking the 'long way' home or taking a back route through the centre of town to minimise the risk of bumping into them. I feel pathetic! Link to comment
HouseKitten Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 Have you spoken to your friends about this? If you explain the situation to them they might be happy to arrange nights out with you and without her, in places she's unlikely to be so you can relax a bit and have a good time without worrying about bumping into her It's possible you will bump into her sometimes but if you live in a small town then perhaps you need to start building up a thick enough skin to deal with that. You can't give up your entire life just to avoid ever seeing her again - you'll have to move on at some point after all Link to comment
BrokenheartUK Posted March 31, 2009 Author Share Posted March 31, 2009 It's possible you will bump into her sometimes but if you live in a small town then perhaps you need to start building up a thick enough skin to deal with that. You can't give up your entire life just to avoid ever seeing her again - you'll have to move on at some point after all I know I have to do this, but the question is HOW. If the only way to do it is to see them together, I know that is the one thing I am not ready for. It's all so counter-intuitive. I know I just need to let her go once and for all, but it's been 7 months and I can't, no matter how much the evidence is pointing towards the road marked 'IT'S OVER'. To forget her, be unaffected by her new love and move on with my life is all I want to do. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 Perhaps it is now time to rip that bandage off in one go. By giving up your life in order not to see her and the new guy it is like you are taking that bandage and ripping it off very slowly. You are not enjoying your life because it is consumed with her and how to avoid her...leaving you feeling very isolated and resentful. How about if you just join your friends...if she is there with the new guy just keep your distance. The more times you force yourself to go out even though she will be there, the easier it will get. You will get used to seeing them together...it will no longer be shocking to you. NC is a good idea if it is possible...but if it means giving up your life, your friends, your enjoyment then absolute no contact is not the best route. Part of the problem is that you are almost punishing yourself for the mistake you made...you need to let it go. Live and learn. She has only been seeing this guy since the end of January...it is early days yet...you really don't know if that relationship will go the distance anyway. Get yourself out there and back with your circle of friends...show everyone that you are tough and can handle yourself with grace. Link to comment
CallingAllAngels Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 Time is on your side. With time all this will get easier. Have you discussed this in therapy? Link to comment
BrokenheartUK Posted March 31, 2009 Author Share Posted March 31, 2009 Crazyaboutdogs > Thanks for your response, I agree with what you are saying but I feel sick at the thought of willingly putting myself through that kind of pain Time is on your side. With time all this will get easier. Have you discussed this in therapy? No I haven't yet, I'm planning on bringing it up in my next session. When you talk about time, do you mean I should keep doing what I am doing until I feel strong enough to see them? Link to comment
CallingAllAngels Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 Crazyaboutdogs > Thanks for your response, I agree with what you are saying but I feel sick at the thought of willingly putting myself through that kind of pain No I haven't yet, I'm planning on bringing it up in my next session. When you talk about time, do you mean I should keep doing what I am doing until I feel strong enough to see them? Talk to your therapist. What I meant by "time" is that it gets easier with time. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 Crazyaboutdogs > Thanks for your response, I agree with what you are saying but I feel sick at the thought of willingly putting myself through that kind of pain No I haven't yet, I'm planning on bringing it up in my next session. When you talk about time, do you mean I should keep doing what I am doing until I feel strong enough to see them? You are also in pain now...and part of your pain has to do with everything else you are giving up. You are continually making choices to walk away in order to save yourself short-term pain...and yet the only thing you succeed in doing is causing yourself long-term pain. You broke up with her in September to save yourself the anxiety of commitment...so you got rid of your short-term pain...4 months later you bashed yourself in the head for that decision and tried to rectify it...too late...she had been too hurt and wanted to move on (mind you, if her love had been true and deep, she would have given you another chance...so you are not entirely to blame here...in fact, your love was truer than hers because despite the absence, you still cared...in her case her love did not stand the test of time). Now you are doing the same kind of thing..except with your friends...you want to avoid short-term pain by walking away from your friends and the good times. In the long-term these friends will just move on without you and you will lose the connection. You need to stop running away and start dealing with things head on. Yes, it will be painful seeing her again...but the more you see her the more you will accept that it is over...surround yourself with your friends...don't turn them away as well. Link to comment
lostandmisrabl Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 BrokenheartUK, I am going through a very similar situation to you right now. We had made quite a few mutual friends who now hang out with both of us at different times, but I still feel like the outsider. I plan my schedule around where I'm going to be vs. "am I going to see her out? does she have a new boyfriend, is she dating?" I am also in a smaller town and it is not a good situation. A mutual friend of mine actually approached me last week and said he had talked to her about us needing to be able to be in the same place at the same time for the sake of friends and moving on. I believe she agreed. I dont' know if I necessarily agree yet, but time will tell. Time does help! Crazyaboutdogs was also right when he said "don't turn away your friends". If your friends are really your friends, they will be there to help you. Good luck Link to comment
BrokenheartUK Posted March 31, 2009 Author Share Posted March 31, 2009 4 months later you bashed yourself in the head for that decision and tried to rectify it...too late...she had been too hurt and wanted to move on (mind you, if her love had been true and deep, she would have given you another chance...so you are not entirely to blame here...in fact, your love was truer than hers because despite the absence, you still cared...in her case her love did not stand the test of time). I know this statement is true and it helps, but my God does it break my heart. If she had given me another chance it would not have worked out and I know it, as I have a ton of work to do on myself before I can get into another LTR, let alone one with her. I was always so sure she was the one who loved me more than I did her. Ironic that the end of our relationship has shown me things in another light. I love her so much still. I know I have to see them at some point. Maybe I'll bump into them in the city this Saturday and if I do, I will keep my dignity and act accordingly. I just know that after two months I am definitely not ready for it. Time to get some new friends... Link to comment
HouseKitten Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 I know I have to see them at some point. Maybe I'll bump into them in the city this Saturday and if I do, I will keep my dignity and act accordingly. I just know that after two months I am definitely not ready for it. Time to get some new friends... Thing is, will you ever feel ready? This is something you obviously don't want to face, and if the decision to see her again is completely under your control then you may never have the courage. Spending time with your old friends and in places she may possibly appear might be painful at first but as has been said, although it'll hurt at first, it has to happen some time. Better to get the pain out of the way sooner rather than later so you can start moving on. It's never going to be easy. By delaying it you're just keeping yourself in emotional limbo. Good luck with this, I hope you manage to work through it eventually Link to comment
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