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Do you ever think 'why not me?'


locolady

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I dont mean that question in an agonised "oh god, whats wrong with me" way, luckily I am over that stage ;-) but as time goes by and I dont have a relationship, I find myself wondering why not?

 

I look around and I have fantastic friends - some of whom have a relationship, some of whom dont.

 

I know there is a lot to be said for luck, for timing, for right person, right place but I really wonder why some people stay and work at some relationships whilst others walk away, end things.

 

I have finally found a bit of self-confidence for the first time in my life, I know I do have some things to offer. Yet, obviously not. How do you find out/work out what is wrong with you - what you lack, do wrong? How can you change, work on yourself if you dont know what you're doing wrong in the first place?

 

I've had two long term relationships - a 4 year one aged 17-21 and another of 1.5 years aged 22-24 and both ended because they did not want to be with me anymore. The first I understand, we were young, we were madly in love but also drove one another crazy! He is a friend these days and I think he's great - I know what I did wrong, I know what he did wrong - we had a lot to learn and had strong feelings that are confusing when you are still growing up, leaving home, going to uni etc. However, the second, I truly truly adored him and thought we had it all, I thought it was perfect and would be forever, then he left me for another girl and has never ever spoken to me again, despite me asking, he has refused to say a thing.

 

I see relationships with problems, yet they work at them. I see good things and bad things and yet other people stay. Why am I not good enough to work at things with? I just wonder how you can know what is wrong with you, and work on it, if no-one tells you? What sort of girlfriend am I meant to be? I thought my last relationship was amazing - we had so much fun and both always seemed so happy, he said he loved me and was happier than he'd ever been, i felt the same. Yet I was so rubbish he actually walked away for someone else and never spoke to or thought of me again....thats pretty insignificant, so what did I do wrong and how should I change so that I actually mean something to someone one day?

 

Any thoughts? Thanks

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I dont mean that question in an agonised "oh god, whats wrong with me" way, luckily I am over that stage ;-) but as time goes by and I dont have a relationship, I find myself wondering why not?

 

Haha I'm not over that stage yet. It's not just about "wrong" though, but also what you aren't doing. For me that's being a bit shy/introverted. My lifestyle and how I basically leave it cold approaches does not fit that personality. But because both are so engrained I'm really struggling to make leeway to getting out of the rut. So I suppose in this sense I know "why not?"

However the part which is still in that stage of "wrong with me" would come from personal pride I suppose. This will be like a broken record for those who regularly read posts here, but we all want to be ourselves, people say you should be, but well, after a while you just gotta think what is "wrong with me" because nothing has happened. The person you are is not attractive/good enough.

 

Why am I not good enough to work at things with? I just wonder how you can know what is wrong with you, and work on it, if no-one tells you? What sort of girlfriend am I meant to be?

Well to borrow another stupid line (this one I'd say is not too stupid), communication is the key?

Easier said than done I'm sure.

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I've often wondered why not me. I'm a kind person; caring, intelligent, a bit shy and quiet but a good conversationalist. It seems like I would be a catch. However, here I am, at 26, never had a girlfriend or a relationship.

 

I could analyze it and say, "Oh, I was too shy in that scenerio, and she preferred someone more outgoing", but then again, there are women who like quiet, shy guys. It just seems like I haven't run into any of them.

 

If I could state anything definite, it's that relationships are a gamble. Sometimes you meet someone right away who's perfect for you, and sometimes you go 30 years without finding that person, and then you suddenly find them. That's why I don't believe anything the 'relationship guru's' say, because relationships are so complex and different (since we're all so complex and different) that you can't throw us all in a box and say, "well, if you do it this way, you'll get him/her interested in you."

 

I wrote much more than I intended to write, lol.

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I've never had something that I could call a "relationship", my personal record was being "together" with a girl for two and a half weeks...

 

While others I know are already married or have been together with someone for many years which is sometimes a little sad because I want to experience the same, but on the other hand - I still have plenty of time and I know that I won't end up alone...

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I guess what I want to know is how to look objectively at yourself and improve yourself.

 

Can you ask friends without going down a horrible road of no self-esteem/ making them uncomfortable etc? And also, I guess friends just dont know what you are like in a relationship.

 

I see/hear the rubbish things some girls do - constant nagging, not letting boyf have space, own fun, tantrums, selfish - no communication etc whatever you think is damaging in a relationship and I dont do those things, yet those boyfriends still love their girls so what did I do wrong?

 

People who talked after their relationships, did it help? Do you ever get answers to the endless questions? How do I work out how to improve myself when I have no idea what made my ex choose someone else, walk away and instantly remove me from his life. (other than looks, the new girl is beautiful)

 

Any tips on self-reflection?

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I've often wondered why not me. I'm a kind person; caring, intelligent, a bit shy and quiet but a good conversationalist. It seems like I would be a catch. However, here I am, at 26, never had a girlfriend or a relationship.

 

I could analyze it and say, "Oh, I was too shy in that scenerio, and she preferred someone more outgoing", but then again, there are women who like quiet, shy guys. It just seems like I haven't run into any of them.

...

That's why I don't believe anything the 'relationship guru's' say, because relationships are so complex and different (since we're all so complex and different) that you can't throw us all in a box and say, "well, if you do it this way, you'll get him/her interested in you."

 

Still, the advice you get given, as obvious and cliche as it is, is still worth doing. Not necessarily because it's right since you are right it may not do anything, but quite clearly what we are doing now is not working. It seems like I would be a catch, but well, look at us, we aren't (and yes perplexing a bit, "why not")

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I will give you the advice I wish someone had given me at 24. I am only just figuring it out at 37. It isn't about what you did wrong in your past relationships. It's about choices. Who you choose to be with. A relationship involves two people- it's a dynamic. So you have to look at the types of guys that you're going for, why you choose them, whether you could make better choices. Look for someone that you think *would* want to work at a relationship. You can't do all the work on your own. As you've noticed, there's an imbalance with that.

 

At the same time, you have to do all the regular self-improvement stuff, like taking care of yourself and nurturing all your interests and passions. That is what makes us interesting to people. People blather on all the time on these boards about looks, and money, and all this superficial stuff, but at the end of the day, substance is what counts. Be the person you want to date. You might just find your standards rising when you do.

 

Someone recently told me, "Love is a choice". She didn't mean settle- she meant open your eyes and see what's in front of you, and choose someone who can be a good partner to you.

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Still, the advice you get given, as obvious and cliche as it is, is still worth doing. Not necessarily because it's right since you are right it may not do anything, but quite clearly what we are doing now is not working. It seems like I would be a catch, but well, look at us, we aren't (and yes perplexing a bit, "why not")

 

Yes, that's true. I've obviously been doing something that's not working. I've choked when it's obvious that the girl in question is interested in me.

 

The problem is finding out what is helpful dating advice, and what is simply just guys venting that they can't get a girlfriend other than by being misogynic bastards.

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Yeah I could probably spend all day in this thread to try and find out why not me.

 

I know in general the guy has to make the actual move, but in years and years of just being out living life (whether it be Uni, shopping, exercise, eating, etc.) that among the dozens of girls you come accross each week not one so much even fires a smile my way. Reminds of Starship Troopers; statistically I even should've gotten one randomly by now.

 

When it gets that sad, damn straight I wonder why not me? What is it?!

 

ahem, /end vent. sorry about that

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Top 5 Green Flags In A Relationship
Top 5 Green Flags In A Relationship

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