how to trust and to love..again? I feel messed up inside.

[nooneelse]

I came accross this forum when i was searching for "depression" and "I need friends"...

 

this is a long post, I really appreciate if anyone is willing to spend time to read it through and give me some valuable advices... thank you (in advance).

 

I do not think I am seriously depressed or anything.. but I am lonely. and sadly, i'm only 21. which is when I should be hanging out with bunch of friends and having fun. I never thought one day I'll be writing this.

 

until 3/4 years ago, I had friends and many close friends i can talk to. I use to trust people very easily, use to be VERY friendly and love to smile, love getting to know people and help them. I would make friends easily. and majority of my close friends were guys. For some reason I just find them easier to talk to, less drama, straight forward. But most of them ended up liking me and this is when everything starts to go bad. slowly.. one by one... now i'm left with none.

 

I was hurt, A LOT... one time after another. Imagine your best friends all the sudden stop talking to you and ignore you and the reason is they can't stop liking me if I stay friends with them. then my friends told me the reason guys end up liking me is because i keep giving out false impression as if I like them.

I wish someone at the time would tell me to "just be yourself".. but no.. i end up slowly forcing and teach myself how to not be so friendly when I meet people. I force myself to keep things to myself and not to care for my male friends too much. and I did it. I changed (stupid enough... sigh...). then in college, I was hurt again, similar situation. and as I started working, the stupid politics/drama at the work place messed me up a lot too.

 

and Now.. I don't how to be happy anymore. i forgot how to be friendly.

I LOST the ability to trust. I naturally put a thick wall when I meet people. The only people I trust (kinda) are the few that i kept in touch from High school. I have some friends.. but only like classmates. I don't know how to become closer friends with them even tho I want to. I tried, but I can't break that wall of my own.

 

I am poor (family too), barely can pay for tuition. so any therapist is out of the question. My family is a mess too. parents argue every day almost every time they see each other. I sometimes woke up in the morning by their argument. My mom and I have a very hostile relationship..since 4th grade, if not.. earlier. she doesn't like me (yes, she told me ever since i'm in elementary school, not just because she's mad. she said i remind her when she was younger.) so i am hurt a lot from her too. I do not have any support from my family. I grew up lack of love (i'm surprised how was I so happy and sunny in high school).

 

I was able to deal with my family from all the love and support from my friends. but now.. I don't have any. I feel hopeless about my situation...

I don't know how to trust.. I don't know how to love.. what can I do...

[MinziGirl]

There are phrases of life in every person. You are young, have just finished high school & are in another stage of life now. I was once there & also felt lost because everything seems to be very new & that can bring about a lot of stress.

 

But soon enough, you will find new friends again & learn to trust people again.

 

You did also learn a good lesson from your past experiences. Never be someone else! Just be you. You are unique by yourself & if others cannot accept you for who you are, it is their loss. Of course, if you noticed any flaws of your character and are wokring on it, that is a plus point too. So keep working on it & you will keep oin attracting friends.

 

Good luck!

[Casperlady]

Hun all I can say is your not alone, I too have had all my friends turn away from me ignore me stop talking to me on numerous occasions although their reasoning is unknown to me. It hurts and like you I no longer trust anyone, I can no longer make friends as easily as i used to and even when I do I am only half hearted about it because I have been so badly hurt that I really dont think I could take anymore betrayal. My only advice is to keep trying and know that it doesnt work to change who you are I have tried and the same things keep happening only with a harsher fall. Be yourself and try and find even just one person who you can be really good friends with