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Feelings of inadaquecy


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Feeling like a failure, mum? This i...
Feeling like a failure, mum? This is what you need to hear

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Hi all, I've never posted in this section but it seemed appropriate. I think I had a panic attack a couple days ago and now I am very worried about what is happening to me.

 

The past several months have been really trying since my bf of 4 years cheated and left me, then toyed with my emotions for a period. Been NC for the most part since Christmas and have slowly been getting better. The past three weeks have been really great compared to lately. I have been relaxed, I even felt many of my old insecurities and anxiety falling away. I even felt like I could jump back out into the dating world.

 

I had my first date since being single on Friday with a great guy from school and it went really really well. But ever since then my mind and heart have been going crazy and I don't know how to stop it. I found myself worrying about my face again (I have old acne marks and somewhat uneven skin that used to depress me), my teeth which aren't very straight, and most of all my personality. I also started worrying intensely about the rest of my school year, about my total lack of social life, about everything possible and that's when I had what might have been a panic attack. I was sobbing, my thoughts were all of these worries at 100 mph and my heart started racing and it was hard to breathe. I am very scared of losing it.

 

I am now so worried about disappointing this guy, who has liked me for a long time and is trying to get us to do something again. I also started on a dating site and cannot bring myself to make plans with anybody for fear of disappointing them because I am not very attractive or interesting. I have no friends right now and so I'm afraid I've lost all social skills, I don't even know how to have fun with other people anymore or what to talk about. The friends thing and my constant loneliness is the biggest problem and I know I need to try harder to tackle that issue. And I know many of these other feelings are irrational, because I will only be disappointing these men for sure if I just push them away, right? Still I feel this way, I hate it, how can I stop it?? I feel like I am not worthy of love or friendship again. I feel like since that date I have just burst open. Please help, I hope all of that made sense.

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There is an irony in this message. The fact that you don't want to disappoint this guy, but the fact that you are being so worried about disappointing him will actually lead to you disappointing him, if you get what I mean.

 

He's not disappointed now. He likes you, he has for some time - so you've said - why can't you just be you without the worry. There must be something about who you are that has attracted him, try not to push him away by worrying about everything. Just take a breath, smile and go be you.

 

Yes, things can be hard recovering from the breakup as you did, especially after such a long one. Which leads me to another question... Are you ready to start seeing someone?

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I know the feeling… I think after someone gets left behind, they almost always feel inadequate and as if nobody can ever love them again. It’s hard to come out of a 4 year relationship because you were both comfortable with your insecurities, and then they all come back again as you fear someone else may not be comfortable with them!

But, in all honesty, I don’t think the things you are thinking about yourself are that bad! Skin can be covered by a little makeup (if you’re a girl it’s even easier), most people don’t really notice teeth (if they really care, screw them, they are shallow.. as if they are perfect?). With school, I know what you mean... It’s hard to focus and even think about studying, but it’s something everyone goes through after a breakup. Not having a social life I think is also normal after a breakup, we become so attached to one person we forget about the others, but you should just learn from this and make new friends!

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If this guy has liked you for a long time, even while you had a boyfriend, then you can be pretty sure you can treat him badly and he'll still be around. Just stop caring about everything in life and you'll find all your worries just disappear.

 

And it's much easier for a girl to get a guy than the other way round.

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