gary1958 Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 Well can it. Can it be worked through or does the person have to see there issues, admit to them and seek help in order to have a healthy, sustainable long term relationship? Link to comment
nutbrownhare Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 Yes, these can certainly destroy a relationship. As can any scenario where one person is looking to the other to fulfil emotional needs which were not met in childhood - trying to get their needs met in an adult relationship cannot possibly work, and is likely to cause the abandonment that the possessiveness is trying to prevent. If we don't feel secure in ourselves, we can't feel secure with anyone else - though we may try to blame others for our insecurity. All the things you describe are signs of low self-esteem; without a proper self-regard and self-love (which is not at all the same thing as selfishness) it's impossible to have healthy, sustainable relationships. Link to comment
FriendnorFoe Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 Funny you should ask because in my experience I have found aside from cheating, this is the number 1 killer of relationships, I should know it killed mine. Toward the end I became jelous, needy, overavailable. This will repel women worse than if you gained 100 pounds, Evey woman desires a man that is confident and happy with himself, you need to love yourself more than you love the other. So as you put your girlfriend on a pedastal she will stop being attracted to you. As far as reconciliation actions speak louder than words, if you are broken up go into No Contact and wait for them to call your, you cant just flat out tell them that you have changed you have to indirectly convey it in your changed self, but before that you have to ask yourself am I changed? I would not advise telling them you will change or that you know what the problem is, this will only contribute to your insecure needy image she has off you, it is indirectly saying that you need another chance and you will do anything to get it. No Contact is the way to go if your broken up, it is the starting point and sometimes can be a strategy alltogether, it shows you dont need her in your life to survive and that she is no longer a proirity. Funny that I worded it like that, I told my ex-once that she I loved her so much she became my proirity, bad choice of words, I could hear her vommitting on the other end...j/k, honestly I didnt even know I was acting insecure and needy until it was over and I could look back on everything, its unfortunate but sometimes that is what it takes, Someone once told me a good way to comparitivley look at things to see how your g/f, ex was surely repeled away, form an outside perspective take the man you were when you first started dating, you probably were confident, flirty and secure with yourself, women love that and so did she, thats why she choose you, now take the man you were towards the end of the relationship and comapre them side by side, and think about this, if your ex met the contemporary needy, insecure you do you think she would want to date you, probably not. Right now your best bet is to regain that attractive confidence you originally displayed. I am not a relationship-guru, I am learning as I go, However I have been there and know this issue, in the meantime I am working on myself to become that person I once was, hope this helped Link to comment
gary1958 Posted March 31, 2009 Author Share Posted March 31, 2009 Thanks guys....Im not the one with the issues....she is....Diagnosed with Panic/Anxiety disorder...and possibly BPD or Bi Polar....Nothing was ever enough. Actually cried in my kitchen one night at my sons 14 birthday party saying she wasnt sure she could do this. The reason......my sons mother and my mother (my sons mothers mother-in-law) were out on the deck having a beer and chatting. They have known each other for 22 years and are still good friends. My girlfriend saw this as a threat. This crap happened all of the time. If I was on the phone with my sons mother co-parenting our son she felt threatened telling me one time to just go back with her. Told me near the end of the relationship that I had to let my son go...He was 14. Never phoned her enough, emailed enough, told her I loved her enough, Didnt hug her HARD enough, Got upset when I had social things planned for me and the guys. She had a rough childhood. Taken from her mother at 4 years old and raised by her aunt and uncle and I dont know the reason she was taken. Told at 14 she was actually there neice, not the daughter. So anyways I have been no contact for 18 months. But the last couple months I have been getting accidental emails from her and hangups which I have ignored. Last I heard she was with another guy and happy in her words. Link to comment
avalon24 Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 I'm sure it can be worked through if both people want to make it work and the issues are dealt with. I myself wouldn't be in a relationship like that, just a personal choice. I am fairly confident and expect my partners to be the same way. Yes I have some insecuries, and I deal with them, but I don't allow them to make me insecure in a relationship and screw it up. Link to comment
ratfreak Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 Yes too clingy can kill it. Everyone needs their space. How about when someone says that "you're too available" Would that fall under being insecure or clingy if you make time to be with someone you care about? Link to comment
Seattle42 Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 I have been insecure and needy for the last two years or more, in a relationship that became all-consuming. Frustrated we both tried to get away and have time, but he always came back and I never felt that I could get stronger. And I was not, am not, strong enough myself to have broken it off. We have agreed to no contact for at least a month. I can say that from the view pint of the insecure one, it has been so painful to try and gain security while in the realtionship. During brief times apart, I felt stronger ands actually very happy at times. Then we would get back together, way too fast usually within a week or so. Today is day one of no contact, and though he initiated it, I believe what has been said earlier here - that it is impossible for me to sustain a healthy realtionship and be insecure. I tortured myself and him. I constantly found myself regretting my bahavior and have had very tormeented thoughts and fantasies. Sometimes I thought it was him, that that was the reason I felt insecure. But I really can't blame anyone but myself. The scary thing in being the insecure one, is that I fear I will not regain confidence or that in a relationship I will return to these destructive fears. But time will tell. And if you are with someone like me, there is hope, but it will take alot of patience and understanding and clarity. There is a fine line between being supportive and enabling. I think this person did what was best for himself and like and that's what you should do too. I plan to work towards being happier with myself, then maybe someday when I am ready, with someone else. Link to comment
Lush Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 Hey you sound just like me! I am deathly afraid of going NC with him, though I know he would do it, said he doesn't want to but would if it would make me better. Anyway, let us know how it goes Ok Im done hijacking this thread. Link to comment
gary1958 Posted March 31, 2009 Author Share Posted March 31, 2009 No hijacking allowed....Id like peoples opinions...What pissd me off was when my friend who I dumped said to me that we were just not compatible... * * * * ....we were in every sense of the word.....looking at houses.. had blended families....everything....I just couldnt meet her needs....no one can...her track record tells the story.. Its so sad.. I did the grovel letter when it was over telling her I would have supported her 110%...but I cant change her.. she needs to.. then I went NC... Now the last 6 months.. Contact on her part... Lame contact.. but contact none the less... My folks saw her at the mall a cople of weeks ago and said Gary you would have been shocked.. She looked like hell.. this was a girl who was always done to the 9's....Make up kit on the night table... She was with an 10 yr old so Im assuming she is with a guy.. So I dodnt get the contact after all of this time.. I have never responded.. I figure if you have something to say ...pick up the damn phone..... Link to comment
Lush Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 My opinion is: Yes for sure. I am destroying mine with it right now. Link to comment
COtuner Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 Yep, my guy is driving me away by being needy and possessive, but yet he is totally off in fantasy land when it comes to how he sees the relationship. I feel a great void where he ought to be, yet when he shows up I feel like I want to run away because he needs a perfect woman so badly (and I am not it, yet I'm all he wants... make up your mind...) Link to comment
gary1958 Posted March 31, 2009 Author Share Posted March 31, 2009 I told her I loved her and would have died in her arms.....Im over 2 years out and still feel that way....But I cant fill that bottomless pit of needs ...only she can... I would have been there 110% to support her.. I have no desire to date.. I have offers .. Im a great guy...Good looking.. but the love of my life past me by and thats so sad.. So I went NC....am moving on.. will she ever see her issues and get the help she needs. Well 45 years old and hasnt changes so I doubt it.. But contact after 18 months.. why... confuses me... Link to comment
osterfanish Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 But contact after 18 months.. why... confuses me... My bet is that it's primarily because it's nice to know (for your ex) that someone out there is still in love with you. In addition, no one likes to feel like they are the bad person when a relationship comes to an end. Link to comment
osterfanish Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 I told her I loved her and would have died in her arms.....Im over 2 years out and still feel that way....But I cant fill that bottomless pit of needs ...only she can... I would have been there 110% to support her.. I have no desire to date.. I have offers .. Im a great guy...Good looking.. but the love of my life past me by and thats so sad.. So I went NC....am moving on.. will she ever see her issues and get the help she needs. Well 45 years old and hasnt changes so I doubt it.. But contact after 18 months.. why... confuses me... gary, you sound EXACTLY in the same situation as I am in. I debate every day about breaking NC. This site and advice on NC has kept me strong, in addition to outside support through family and friends. Think about it, everyone says the same thing - we go into NC for a reason: to better ourselves. See, we tried the other route, where we tell them what's on our minds, and how they are the only ones for us. I feel the same way in that I feel like a bottomless pit of needs that only she can fill, that I was and still am 110% there to support her, no desire to date, even though I have - it's been un-fulfilling. It's made me realize that I had too much emotionally invested in her... when she left, my world crumbled because I had built over 2 years of my life around her. And I am thinking, "well, crap, I am 34 years old now, unlovable, left to hold picking up the pieces, and have no confidence like I was before we met." I too am a great guy and good looking - people tell me this all the time, but I, just like you, also feel like the love of my life has left me - she also has issues, serious issues that need addressing. These stories have been written a million times! I am flat out realizing that they just don't love us anymore, man. I (and many others here) need to come to grips with it, learn to let it go, and that's what hurts the most. I need to fix myself before I can move onto a more healthy, fulfilling relationship that will truly love me equally in return - through the thick and thin and not just the fun times. Link to comment
gary1958 Posted March 31, 2009 Author Share Posted March 31, 2009 Welll mine said when she ended during a panic attack that she never wanted to hear or see me again...and then the contact. If its over than move on. I surely dont want any contact and if you said you didnt then quit it!! Link to comment
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