anticipation Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 Hi there, As many remember we broke up on New Year's Eve and went NC for 2.5 mths. After that he texted me asking if we could be friends. And only friends. I said yes. And we met around 2 weeks ago. He kept saying that day that we would never be together again. Then I txted him once when I was out. He said he was worried about me but it was not fair to txt him when I was out. Then I went on skiing holidays for a week, came back on Sat and surprise surprise he called me at night. He asked if I wanted to go for a walk accross the river. And I said yes. He assured me it was nothing sexual. Then we slept cuddled in and in the morning we had amazing sex. And that was my decision. I thought that would make my chances smaller and smaller...But guys, no matter what yesterday and today I've had the happiest days since we broke up. And I feel it was worth, even if he doesn't intend to be with me. However, as I support NC when you're dumped, I don't really support NC when the dumper asks you to be his friend after a couple of months. And I truly believe that that morning, our chat and my presence on Saturday will stay in his mind. And even if he goes out with someone, he will have some fresh memories that will picture me in a positive way. Have you ever taken an attitude like myself? If yes, what have you achieved? I realize many will tell me that it's all about dignity and trust me I want him now as much as I wanted him before, no more no less. But I've had two days of happiness and wouldn't give it back for the so-called 'dignity.' I don't text him, only sporadically. I let him do whatever he wants. But I believe that if he sees me from time to time, all happy and collected and if he has sex with me that he always loved, it will remind him about my positive side, won't it? xxx Link to comment
justletgo07 Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 Yes, I have taken this attitude, with mixed results. Many days I am able to feel fine with everything, no matter how things unfold. But there are times when I want more, and I know that she doesn't. It really all depends on where you are with everything. I would caution you on the sex part. Just remember that sex doeesn't mean anything. Someone can happily have sex with you, and cuddle with you, and all of those intimate, lovey-dovey things and still not want to be with you at all. People don't appreciate things they can have easily, and they also don't respect those who do not set firm boundaries in their relationships. If sex and physical intimacy really are only for when you're in a romantic relationship, what message are the two of you sending when you're willing to do those things with someone who is just a friend. Just my thoughts. Link to comment
HouseKitten Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 Hey, if you feel happy and positive about this and aren't harbouring notions that this means you're getting back together, where's the problem? Sex with an ex doesn't have to be the end of the world, and if you're in a place where you can deal with it and just enjoy it for what it is then good on you Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 I hate to say this, but I believe it was only a booty call, and nothing more. Having sex only, does not equal a relationship, you need the trust and committment first in order to have any chance of it working out. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 So you will be perfectly okay continuing to have sex with him every time he wants to get together with you "not for sex" because you think that will make him remember you and all the fun times you had? What happens when the "not for sex" sex get togethers cease because he has fallen in love with another woman and wants to be with her? Will you be satisfied with just these memories of your "not for sex" sex get-togethers? You are currently on a high...wait a few weeks and see if this set-up gets old when you realize he is happy enough having sex with you while casting his net wide to find the woman of his dreams. Link to comment
greywolf Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 If you just want sex, then what you're doing is fine. But if you really want him back, i believe this is really not the way to do it. I realize many will tell me that it's all about dignity and trust me I want him now as much as I wanted him before, no more no less. But I've had two days of happiness and wouldn't give it back for the so-called 'dignity.' Saying something like that really means, "I'm happy enough with the breadcrumbs you throw my way." I'm not sure he'll be able to respect you much for that. Link to comment
IMAbadman Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 Well it certainly sounds like the making of a plan. Do what's right for you. Don't allow yourself to be used or trampled upon. By all means protect your heart and emotions. Hope the best for you. Link to comment
createhappiness Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 have no regrets, but i'd advise you to make this a one time deal. if he can get it from you so easy, then any incentive for him to treat you more than just a friend is gone. the flesh is weak. if you find him coming around for more sex and nothing else, don't give in - leave him alone with his blue balls, lol. Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 depends on what your goals are. if you just want to pick up some easy sex, mission accomplished. but if you want to heal and move on, this kind of thing keeps you stuck. and if you want him back and are giving him free FWB sex with no strings, that can lead to a lot of misunderstandings. you may be thinking, this will make him want me back, but he may have a date scheduled with someone else the next day for all you know, and have no intention of getting back with you. so this kind of situation can lead you to delude yourself into thinking you're making progress towards getting back together when it really means nothing to him. so you need to keep an eye on what your goals are, and whether your behavior moves you towards or away from that goal, or whether it distracts you from your goal and keeps you from reaching it sooner. he may have been thinking 'one more time for old times sake' while you are thinking it is the beginning of something good, or gives you something to fantasize about that distracts you from the fact that he's not your boyfriend anymore. Just don't confuse sex with future intentions. If his future intentions are to get back with you, you'll see him more often, he'll take you on dates, and he'll tell you. Link to comment
Brownstone322 Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 My experience (some first hand) is that when a guy has sex, it's potentially meaningless. Lotsa guys just like to screw for fun. Keep that in mind. On the other hand, if the dumper is a woman and she has sex with her ex, it's much more likely to mean that you are a couple once again. Link to comment
IMAbadman Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 Man... I don't know. I've been the booty call for more than one of my EX-girlfriends. Link to comment
justmyview Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 So you will be perfectly okay continuing to have sex with him every time he wants to get together with you "not for sex" because you think that will make him remember you and all the fun times you had? What happens when the "not for sex" sex get togethers cease because he has fallen in love with another woman and wants to be with her? Will you be satisfied with just these memories of your "not for sex" sex get-togethers? You are currently on a high...wait a few weeks and see if this set-up gets old when you realize he is happy enough having sex with you while casting his net wide to find the woman of his dreams. I could not have put it any better myself. Link to comment
justmyview Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 I would rather have casual sex with a stranger than an ex I still have feelings for and wanted to be with. Why? Because there would be less of an incentive for him to actually make a commitment to me. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Besides, you broke up about three months ago, right? Surely he hasn't forgotten how fantastic sex was with you in such a short time that you felt you had to give him a little reminder? Link to comment
justmyview Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 Man... I don't know. I've been the booty call for more than one of my EX-girlfriends. And you didn't mind? Lol! Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 My experience (some first hand) is that when a guy has sex, it's potentially meaningless. Lotsa guys just like to screw for fun. Keep that in mind. On the other hand, if the dumper is a woman and she has sex with her ex, it's much more likely to mean that you are a couple once again. Actually, I have indeed seen posts on this forum from men who have been very upset that their ex is using them for sex but not wanting to get back together. Link to comment
justletgo07 Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 Actually, I have indeed seen posts on this forum from men who have been very upset that their ex is using them for sex but not wanting to get back together. Been there. Done that. Twice. Link to comment
anticipation Posted March 30, 2009 Author Share Posted March 30, 2009 Guys thank you so much for your thoughts I do understand that he might go out with some other girls and might have a girlfriend. However, as long as I'm closer to him, he might be eager to open his eyes at some point to see that I've got those positive sides that other women lack. If not, there will be enough time for me to get used to the thought that we might not be together. Till Sat I was the most miserable person in the world and with time it got worse and worse. And I have a feeling that the fact that he will see me every now and again will help me. Even if it's rare, he'll always see me happy and cheery. Another thing is, I did not start to move on at all, so that night wouldn't change much anyway... And I'm so happy today. I won't tell you that it doesn't give me any hope. It does. But I had so much hope before that as well. So is it really about dignity? Does that really matter? There was another thing that shocked me as well. There was his friend (he perfectly knows me) in the house in the morning and he didn't mind him seeing and speaking to me. The last time before that was like a secret. He made sure noone saw us. But this time was different...That made me think as well... Link to comment
Anusha Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 I dont mean to disapoint you just trying to share my experience.I been in a FWB with my ex thinking it meant something, but it was just sex to him since the day I cuted the sex from our contact he wasnt interested on it anymore.So just watch out to not get too much into that and end up getting hurt. Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 You're talking about him the way someone talks about a drug... you're happy when you get your 'fix'.... Be careful because if he really liked the sex, but you had other problems that were the reason for the breakup, he will be perfectly happy to come back and pick up some of that sex (skim the cream so to speak), while leaving the rest. Meanwhile he'll be looking around for someone he likes better than you (more compatible with) AND who likes the sex with, and that's when he'll disappear. Unless he's a cheater in which case he'll do both of you at the same time. You're in the first flush of post-coital 'victory' right now, but if you read others on this board who do this, many will do this for YEARS while he has a string of other girlfriends, and then be devastated one day when he tells you he's engaged to someone else and doesn't understand why you are so upset. Make sure your feelings are on the same page, or you'll be devastated when your hopes are dashed. Link to comment
greywolf Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 Guys thank you so much for your thoughts I do understand that he might go out with some other girls and might have a girlfriend. However, as long as I'm closer to him, he might be eager to open his eyes at some point to see that I've got those positive sides that other women lack. If not, there will be enough time for me to get used to the thought that we might not be together. Think about it this way: He already has you. In fact, he has you AND he can go out and see other women. Why should he commit? Till Sat I was the most miserable person in the world and with time it got worse and worse. And I have a feeling that the fact that he will see me every now and again will help me. Even if it's rare, he'll always see me happy and cheery. You can't depend on someone to make you happy. You're desperate enough for this guy that seeing him once in awhile makes you happy, but soon it won't be enough. I think you shouldn't sell yourself short like this. You probably deserve a lot more than what you are getting from this guy. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 You had been a couple for a year and a half or so..he already knows you well enough so just having sex with him is not going to suddenly make him "see the light". I read your previous threads and it sounds like you are too desperate for him. I think you need to accept that it is over and move on...don't be his FWB because your heart will ultimately be even more broken than it is now. Link to comment
justmyview Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 You had been a couple for a year and a half or so..he already knows you well enough so just having sex with him is not going to suddenly make him "see the light". I read your previous threads and it sounds like you are too desperate for him. I think you need to accept that it is over and move on...don't be his FWB because your heart will ultimately be even more broken than it is now. Ignore this advice at your peril. Link to comment
IMAbadman Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 And you didn't mind? Lol! True... I didn't. But man does it ever mess with your mind. Link to comment
IMAbadman Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 Sorry hun... I just don't feel that you are thinking clearly. You really need to step back and take a look your actions. Link to comment
createhappiness Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 it's a pattern that once ex's realize they can get in your pants so easily their respect for you starts to deterioriate even more. at the same time, you'll be so used to the habit of getting your 'fix' with him it will even harder for you to step back and let go if he's still not interested in getting back. try to take a healthier approach to this - at minimum cut out the sex, it only makes things more complicated. Link to comment
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