I think I am very ill....no one agrees, though

[guest1974]

my mother is severely bi-polar (history of suicide attempts/hospitalization) father is mentally ill (paranoid/obsessive compulsive disorder)

both parents were mentally/emotionally/verbally/physically abusive

i also have a stepfather who was the same

i have a history of rejection back to my early childhood (was severely bullied all through school with few friends) i got pregnant twice. both times, i was abandoned. my 2 serious boyfriends both broke up with me telling me they did not love me. neither father will have anything to do with me or the children. one of them was someone i loved deeply, who screamed at me and broke up with me while i was delivering our premature child. i eventually got over him and found someone else, who after many years admitted that he just didn't love me, and left me too. i can count that everyone i have ever loved has abandoned me. including my parents - who sent me away despite my good behaviour, an unwanted teenager in the middle of their new marriage.

 

at home, i am emotionally erratic with mood problems. i go from highs, to lows, to devastating anger. i frequently suffer insomnia, anxiety attacks, panic, depression, and have often starved myself or been bulimic. there are also days where i barely move at all - almost unable to even wake up and face the world. i'm very dysfunctional, i cannot keep up with housework, ignoring tasks & chores that are simply insurmountable. I frequently yell at the children because i feel so overwhelmed. afterwords, i feel horrible, adding to the burden of despair that is already a mountain. i am insecure and very distracted at jobs....i cannot get up in the morning it seems although i've tried for years...i cannot focus on my work and sometimes have been fired...other times i've done okay. i simply cannot organize my mind to function as an adult. financially, i am impusive and at risk most of the time. socially, i tend to alienate people fairly quickly with my overly nervous and talkative nature. people sense that there is discord in me, and stay away. i realize that my capacity for caring - which as a sensitive child was so vast - shrinks every day. it becomes more and more difficult to feel love or affection for others....i simply am losing the capacity to have any positive feelings at all.

 

i understand that all of this is terrible. i have been wrestling the ugly monster that is myself my entire life and have yet to become a person who can function anywhere near normal. i often feel hatred toward people in my family as well as others in my life, an emotion that is truly a disease in itself. my hatred has occasionally snapped into full blown episodes of rage...verbal firestorms when i scream at the top of my lungs and have completely 'gone crazy', unable to calm down. it has happened about 6 times in my life, each episode is frightening. i haven't hurt anybody, but i fear one day i could. i have also suffered mental breakdowns where i have cried so uncontrollably that i have become completely unhinged, unable to think or behave rationally. my mind gets very confused and muddled, and i cannot find my way out of the misery for hours....simply laying in bed, crying without pause for far longer than a normal person should.

 

knowing that my problems will likely cause me to be alone until i die is a daily torture that worsens the already horrible situation.

 

i cannot cope and have seeked a counselor, but he is just not effective. I have no friends.

 

there are many days i feel like jumping off the balcony because i think the children would be far better off without me...and because i can't bear to endure what my life is. i've learned that despite what i want to become - i simply do not have the ability to accomplish anything. i am immature, unstable, unmotivated, negative and miserable, leaving me without any tools with which to build a healthy life. i feel as though i have exhausted myself attempting to make a real life for me and the children, and have seen no results.

 

i am so tired of lying to the world that everything is okay, and seeing the pity and understanding on their faces....it generates a rage in me to see it, so i cannot ask for any more help. i'm only being honest here because it is anonymous. i just don't know what to do anymore.

[avman]

I would try to find a different counselor then. As with any profession there are people that are very good at their jobs and there are people that are lousy at them. You may just have a bad therapist.

 

Seek another opinion from a different therapist. Also talk to your doctor about this. You may need to go on some medication for awhile in order to help your mood swings and make the therapy more effective.

 

You do not have to live this way for the rest of your life. There is hope and treatment available for what you are suffering from.

[odile]

You've really have had a lot to deal with.

From what you are saying here, it does sound like there are some very troubling issues going on.

It also sounds like you are in a lot of pain.

 

If your counselor isn't helpful, I think it's high time to get a new one-- get a certified therapist.

 

Please, you're caught in a destructive cycle, and you're going to need some qualified help to find your way back to feeling good again.

[Miss Firecracker]

Get a new doctor as soon as humanly possible. Do it for your children if not for yourself.

[KG]

I agree with the above. Some therapists just aren't good at what they do. Between a competent one, and possibly some meds, you may be able to get straigtened out.

[Honey Pumpkin]

Poor you, things have been hard. Don't give up on yourself. I would say firstly go to your doctor; I suspect you are probably suffering with depression, and you need to see a professional. If you are having suicidal thoughts then you need to seek help.

 

Your doctor will be able to advise you, and will also be able to refer you to a therapist/counsellor or whatever is best suited to you. I think you might need some medication just to break this cycle, and give you a chance to take a breath and heal.

 

Your post was so alive and angry, I can tell what an articulate person you are - you were so able to vividly capture your pain and anguish. But it doesn't have to be like this, you can change it. Baby steps at first - reach out for help and support, and take everything that you're offered.

 

It will get better, and you have to take the steps towards making a better, lovelier life for yourself. You can do it! But you need to seek help to get there - please get in touch with your doctor tomorrow, and make the first steps towards changing this.

 

Take care.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

If you have bi-polar instances in your family, then there is a high possibility you have inherited it. But bi-polar is a biochemical illness that requires medication to alleviate, and a 'talk' counselor is not sufficient to treat it.

 

You need to insist on a referral to a psychiatrist, as they are specialists in diagnosing and treating all forms of mental illness, and knowing which drugs are appropriate for which conditions. They can also prescribe drugs, which a counselor cannot.

 

A 'talk' counselor works very well for support and treating certain situations, but if you have a biochemical illness, you need to consult a specialist, which is a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist will work with you to find appropriate medication for you, and may also send you to a counselor if that will also help. But a counselor alone is not sufficient if you are bi-polar.