Jump to content

pjbouchard
What To Do If They Cheat - Do this ...
What To Do If They Cheat - Do this First

Recommended Posts

Hi! My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. I'm 25, he's 34, We've had many ups and downs basically all related to our different communication styles. But overall, we are best friends, have a great sex life and are in love.

 

So here's the question. He told me yesterday very casually while we were hanging out that some of the guys he works with are going to take him out on Tuesday after work because it's his last day. I asked him where they were taking him and he again, very casually said "most likely one of the local strip clubs." The only times he's gone since we've been together were 2 bachelor parties so this isn't a big habit for him. He's a man's man so he's not the kinda guy who will say "nah, can you just take me to a regular bar instead" but he's told me in the past that he's never spent any of his money at a strip club. He made a comment about "if it's free, its for me" and I kinda played it cool and changed the subject and continued to have a great time being with him. When I was leaving I kinda made a joke about it saying that the idea of a stipper "all up on him" isnt a happy one for me, but I think he was just trying to joke back because he said "All up on me? I think if the stripper was actually on me, Id get thrown out." and then laughed.

 

When I got home I got a text from him saying that he had a great afternoon with me. I said that I'm glad he had a good time and thanked him for making the time to see me. (We're both have one child each from previous relationships and due to financial difficulties that both of those relationships have left us, we both live with our individual parents. Due to that, and us both working full time, we dont get as much time together as most couples do and probably won't until we take the step to live together.) He responded with "I always make time for you sweetie when I can." Which is very affectionate for him as far as words go.

 

Last night I was really thinking about the strip club thing and honestly, even though I'm not a huge fan of the establishments in general, I don't want to discourage his guy time and make him feel like I'm trying to control him. HOWEVER, then it dawned on me that since they're taking HIM out, that even though I know he wouldnt spend his money on stripper, that he might be the recipient of 1 or more lap dances and that makes me really really uneasy. I realized that it might be wise to talk to him about this.

 

We mainly communicate by text message/email when we cant see eachother in person because it's convienent, so I sent him an email this morning that said something like this "Hi babe, I was up late last night thinking about the strip club thing. I have no problem with you going to a strip club because I know it's a guy thing and I want you to have fun with the guys, but it kind of makes me feel uncomfortable thinking about you getting a lap dance. I would never try to control you or tell you what to do, but the thought of it makes my stomach churn and makes me kind of sad because I feel that that kind of physical closeness belongs to me. If someone is buying one for you, I can understand how you might not refuse it, but I would probably still be sad if I knew it happened. I'm not trying to tell you what to do. You are very respectful towards me and I love that about you. I want you to have fun with the boys but that whole lap dance things sparks a little sense of insecurity with me. I love you and please consider my feelings. If someone does buy one for you, I do not want to hear about it (I would like to hear about it if you refuse it though. LOL) It's difficult because I dont want to tell you what to do and I want you to have fun, but it would make me feel bad to know you enjoyed some naked woman teasing you. I'm just hoping you take what I said and make the best decision for you and us. I trust you and know you wouldnt do anything to hurt me. I love how we're best friends and can be open with eachother so I'm sure that we can reach some compromise where we both feel respected, loved and trusted. "

 

Do you think thats good??? He hasn't replied yet and I'm very nervous that he will get defensive. If he does, what do I do? What if he feels like I'm contolling him? I dont know. Please help.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

you really should call him and talk to him about this over the phone. plus he may not have gotten it yet. but so much can be misinterpreted over email.

call him if you can.

I'm not upset that he hasnt replied yet....I'm just worried that maybe I'm asking too much or being too controlling. I do have a tendency of being controlling but am working on it every minute of every day, so I'm really trying to find the balance here of giving him his freedom and setting boundaries with what makes me uncomfortable.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think that was very good. Have you yourself ever been to a strip club? I took my BF to one in St Louis for his 40th. We were in St Louis for his bday & I asked him if he wanted to go. I think he was a bit shocked at first. The funny thing was that the dancers paid me more attention than they did him. I even bought him a private lap dance. (I went to the private rooms with him). It wasn't nearly as "dirty" as I had imagined. Reality wasn't nearly as bad as what I had pictured in my mind. She wasn't completely naked. She had her little thong on. The point I'm trying to make is, don't get worked up over this. I also learned that night that the majority of the dancers are actually lesbians!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

pjbouchard,

I think your text sounded extra nice and that you were saying how you feel. but it almost sounds apologetic. if he gets defensive maybe it's because the tone of your text is actually not firm enough?

I think you are very nice, I wouldn't be so nice about it if my bf was getting lap dances lol.

good luck

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Girls arent gonna be anywhere near him or all up on him, unless he buys a lap dance..

 

alot of guys are cheap that go to strip clubs.. basically go to drink and hang out with buddies and just watch...

 

i understand how it makes you feel uncomftable.. i would basically talk with him and say i have no problem you hanging and with your friends.. at the strip club.. but appricate if you respected my wishes and not get a lap dance...

 

dont make a bigger deal out of it.. just explain your thoughts.. and dont show that it bugs you too much... you will be suprised he will be there. and most likely pass up on a lap dance becaasue it cost to much...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think it sounds good, but I also think this is something you should discuss in person, or at least over the phone. I think the email sounded good.. you expressed what would make you uncomfortable and what you don't want him to do without telling him what to do. Actually, it might have been a bit on the soft side. If it were my bf, I would have flat out told him I don't want him to get a lap dance. I'm sure it would not be ok with him if I were to receive a lap dance from some male stripper, and your bf would probably feel the same as you do if the situation were reversed.

 

You've been together 2 years, you can have a bit more ownership in making decisions on things like this! If you feel like you can't stand up for what you are ok with (or not ok with) because you are afraid he will get mad or dump you, that is a problem.

 

edit: I just read that you think you are too controlling... maybe you are just trying to overcompensate for that, so you can disregard the previous 2 sentences if that is the case.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I like the email, nothing wrong with it & I would probably feel the same way IF I thought my SO might get a lap dance. But dont worry too much about it...at the end of the day he is coming home to YOU & strippers arent out there to try to take your man, they are just doing their job & most men know that lol. There are a few out there that think a stripper really wants them cause they danced for them haha.

 

I went to a strip club a few times & once with my SO and his friends. Most places the women aren't anywhere near you unless you get a dance, of course. The strippers there were more into me then the guys haha...but none of them rubbed on any of us or anything. They are just there to work, most men go to these things just to have a few drinks & laugh while looking at pretty girls, nothing wrong with it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

yeah i read that and what it was screaming to me was insecurity and "please don't accept a lapdance if you love me" which contradicts everything else you wrote about not wanting to be controlling etc.

 

I completely understand why you want to validate to yourself about not wanting to come accross as controlling etc, but by laying the guilt trip on him 'please consider my feelings' i think you've pretty much shown that what you're saying and what you're feeling are polar opposites. At the end of the day you don't want him to do it, but you're watering it down to make it sound less like an order..... to be honest I don't (personally) think that works.

 

if you're not ok with it, don't be passive aggressive, don't be so agreeable - just say it. The way you put it there is too wishy-washy and too full of guilt-trippy-please-don't-do-its washed with a very fake attitude of "i don't want to control you" when if you look REALLY REALLY hard at yourself - yes - you would stop him doing it if you could do so without getting the negative connotations.

 

As I said above, talk to him plainly and frankly and tell him the truth without any of this self-congratulatory "i'm not controlling you" bs.

(and please take note the only other male who has replied so far was bmw, and its mens opinions here i think you should be looking at)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Ive been to one with guy buddies I work with but I've never been to one with someone I've been dating. I don't know if I could do it. It's not that I lack self confidence- I know that I sexually satisfy him and am pretty attractive and successful- I just don't want to think about (or see) him enjoying another naked woman in his lap

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hmmmm, yes definitely have a conversation about this.

 

You have told him that if he does get a lap dance, you don't want to hear about it, but I am guessing you are going to be worrying about him getting one, and afterwards not be able to help yourself from asking him if he did get one if you don't sort out the ground rule before he goes, either he will put his foot down or you will.

 

Saying you do not want him to get one is not unreasonable in my opinion, I would not want my guy getting one, and would question his respect for my feelings if he did.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Oh, I definitely see what you're saying and TRUST ME, I would love to say something like "Nope, not comfortable with it, don't do it." I'm a hard charger, type a personality and can be controlling. But I really don't think this works with him. He HATES being told what to do. HATES it. lol. He makes fun of one of his buddies saying "Kevin wasn't allowed to go to a strip club when he was with Jamie". I hate the passive aggressive crap, but I feel like "okay, I'm making my feelings known and doing it in the least offensive or demanding way....if he decides to ignore them, then I'll pick my battle from there."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think you've handled it the best you could have.

 

You've let him know how you feel.

You've let him know what you'd prefer he do.

And you've given him an option to keep the peace between you if he decides to do something he knows you wouldn't be best pleased about.

 

To be honest, he sounds really committed to you and the kind of guy for whom this isn't really his thing. You have nothing to worry about. IMO, if he isn't into going on his own and only goes to be "one of the guys" every now & then, then I believe that the truth is, that even if they did buy him a lapdance, that it wouldn't do much for him anyway (if it DID, then I'd expect he'd go more often).

 

Sounds to me like you have a great guy. Don't sweat this. You've been heard, now he has all the information he needs to be sure he doesn't do anything that will hurt you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

There was nothing wrong with the tone of your email. You put your feelings out there, and it's up to him to decide what to do with it.

 

I do agree that, if possible, you should speak in person about this. Too much is left out of typed communication.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It's almost like I'm too cognizant of the fact that I can be controlling (and he has pointed out my controlling nature in the past) so I overcompensate by trying to be too laid back. Kind of like "Ok babe, yup, I'm working on the contolling thing, but here's something that bothers me."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I thought the email was pretty good overall! The bold points are so right on! I think you're a very good communicator. However, I don't like the part when you said that you'd rather not know about whether he got a lap dance, because that to me is passive aggressive. Then you'll be wondering if he got a lap dance if he didn't mention anything. You should talk to him about this in person and tell him that you don't want him to get a lap dance, in your own good communicator way.

 

Good luck, let us know how it went.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

then re-read what you wrote him and count the number of times you validated yourself by saying things along the lines of 'i dont want to be controlling but...' .... i can see around 10 ? And have a look at your sentence structure and how you revalidate things by using the word 'but' or by trying to end it with a very generic positive statement to try to lift the tone of the message up. It just feels so.... fake?

 

i completely understand what you're saying about not wanting to tell him what to do and even more so that he hates being told, but I really don't think there's any way around it. A simple sentence could have summed up everything that you said there:

 

As you know I am not happy about you receiving a lapdance as it makes me feel extremely uncomfortable.

 

if you absolutely have to, you can draw a comparison with male strippers.... but honestly now, I really would advise against this.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I know you're right...he's just very...hmmmmm....reactive. I think that's one of the best ways I can describe him. He, himself is insecure. If I ever come off anything less than nice when I ask for things or express my feelings he automatically takes that as me being angry, and the result isnt pretty. He'll think that I'm angry and then feel that what he does isn't good enough for me and that I'm too demanding. It's bad. Thats why I kept putting the "I trust you", "you're very respectful towards me", "I love you" comments in there as well as the "I'm not trying to control you" ones.

 

Not to say that I did the right thing, but there was a method to my madness.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It's good that you were open about your feelings. Now it's up to you to realize that even though you feel as though he belongs to you he is his ultimately his own person and you will have to trust him. It's just a stupid male bonding ritual don't let it get the best of you. I'm pretty sure that's the way he probably sees it too. You've got the communication part down, now here's where the trust part comes in. Tell him whatever happens at that strip club that he is ordered to come directly home and take it out on you!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

He just gets so defensive that sometimes I don't even mention things that bother me...it feels like sometimes if I mention these things it will be counterproductive because he'll feel like I'm nitpicking him and not accepting him for who he is, when I AM accepting him, but I just want to get my point accross as well.

 

It took a lot of courage for me to write him this e-mail because I know how he can react. Now I'm nervous of getting a reply saying "I'm not going there to cheat on you. There you go again, you dont trust me."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Do you mean what you say about not telling you if he does?

 

If you will leave the issue alone, and accept that your part of the "don't ask, don't tell" policy, then it should be fine.

 

But you do need to have peace that when you ask him "Did you have a good time?" and he says "Yep, I did, thanks" that you are going to be able to leave it at that.

 

You've told him not to tell you if he does get a lapdance. So now you need to accept that you won't know, in part, because you have effectively given him permission to lie to you (through omission, or outright if asked), if his buddies DO buy him a dance.

 

If you can do that, then there's nothing wrong with what you've said IMO.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I was thinking the same thing, if he doesn't mention anything - you will think he did get a lapdance even if he didnt.. because you said yourself not to tell you. Then again he can just lie & say yup had a good time, dont worry no lap dance - even if he got one so you guys dont get into a fight.

 

Its out there now & personally you should just let this go. You let him know how you feel (Im sure he knew this already) because most women wouldn't feel comfortable with their man getting a lap dance at a strip club.

 

If he responds that you dont trust him - just say that's not the case, just like most women I dont feel comfortable a naked chick rubbing against my man lol.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I really wouldnt be upset if his buddies bought him a lapdance because I wouldnt expect him to turn a free one down when all of his buddies are egging him on right now. I mean, thats what happens at bachelor parties. But if this does happen, I just dont want to know about it.

 

It's kind of like when I used to go out to clubs more often a year ago when we were together...I'm sure he assumed that guys would try to dance with me and maybe even assumed that I was dancing with a guy, but he doesn't want to hear about it. I told him a story about a lame pickup line that a guy once fed me at a club and he said "hey, I know guys hit on you, I just dont need to hear about it. Do you want to hear about when women hit on me?"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It's kind of like "listen, I can't blame you for accepting a free lap dance. If you refuse it, yes, thats awesome but If you accept it, I wont hold it against you. In that event though, I just don't want it thrown in my face." It lets him know that even though I would rather him not get one, I DO trust him, regardless of whether he gets one or not. I would just be pissed if he bought one. LOL

Link to comment
Share on other sites

LOL so his reply was a text message saying to me:

 

"Well I wouldnt worry much. Ive only got one in my life and it was my bachelor party and I dont think anyone is putting any money up for me."

 

I replied

 

"Thank you sweetie. How was your day?"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...