Controlling Roomate/Coworker

[bonnie82]

My roommate slash friend slash coworker has been acting out for months now. Mostly I feel as if she is a big ball of free-floating anger just waiting to strike down on someone and since I'm the closest in proximity, I get the brunt of it. It started with her being angry about really small things and she would be really passive-aggressive, slam doors, not speak to me, etc. as to not encourage it, I would just let it pass. I also know you can't win with someone like that, you should probably just ignore it. So I'd wait two days, crack a joke and we would be fine.

 

Now things are getting *really* weird. I started seeing a man a couple of months ago and her bad behavior has escalated. A couple of weekends ago, she stormed out of a bar we were hanging out in with no real explanation. She then texted me the next day when I was out of the city saying she was going to kill herself. I had to send someone else over to my house (almost called the police) and she was talked down, though I suspect it was a total cry for attention and an attempt to control me. She's also now seeking mental help for her "depression." We are in our early thirties by the way so this crazy cry for attention thing is especially disturbing, it's not like we're seventeen year olds.

 

At this point, I just stay out of the house or stay in my room. Just yesterday though she came into the kitchen crying and said "read your email." Something apparently so important she can't tell me in person. No, it was her complaining how she doesn't want the guy I'm seeing in the house. I should mention I was NOT home for 48 hours so he wasn't there either.

 

I live with this woman and have four months left on the lease. I work with this person and cannot quit my job. We also share some friends, though she seems to have distanced herself quite a bit the last six months or so from almost everyone. I would love to just jettison this person completely from my life because it's clear to me now that she is a total energy vampire. Unfortunately I've found myself stuck. So...

 

1. How can I let her know, in plain terms, we cannot be friends, but she needs to be civil with me? I've tried this before (by saying the above!), but it always results in her acting so unpleasant and * * * * ty I have to maintain some kind of friendship with her.

2. How can I establish clear, emotional boundaries so I'm not controlled by her? She is *really* tricky. She isn't very self-aware, nor can she seem to take responsibility for her own actions or words. She's also completely self-absorbed- saying things like "everybody hates me" when they're probably indifferent or don't even think about her.

 

Basically- how do you tell a completely irrational person to leave you alone, stop controlling you, be nice to you, etc. without causing them to go crazy?

[alli]

Wow, sounds like your living arrangements are less than pleasant! I really don't think there's anything you can say to this girl along the lines of "leave me alone, stop controlling me & be nice" that will result in her doing just that. I would recommend distancing yourself from her as much as you can. Not in an ostracizing way, like completely ignoring her or anything. Try to plan your schedule around hers so you minimize the times you are both home. Don't hang out together on the weekends or volunteer information to her about what you will be doing. Spend more time at your bf's house and less time with you both at yours. As far as her not wanting him there... well TDB; it's your house too & you can have him in your room if you want. Just don't have him spending the night frequently, showering or making his food in your house. Just, try to treat her as a stranger. Someone you are respectful to but not someone who you hang out or have deep conversations with. If she talks about suicide again, just skip all the drama of who will go "talk her down" and call the police. If she is serious, she will get the help she needs. If she is just trying to get attention, she will learn her lesson.

 

Have you looked into where you will live once the lease is up? What if you could move into your new place early; maybe you could sublease your room?

[FarthestEdge]

When she is pleasant. Be pleasant back.

 

When she is ignorant, calmly say, "I'm not putting up with this." And walk out the door. Go get a coffee, go to the library, anywhere away from her.

 

Eventually she may see that you're not putting up with her games.

 

Or she may not. But you can't control or manipulate how she is going to behave. All you can do is to decide how you are going to respond. To me, the best idea is to make being nice rewarding for her, and being unpleasant, not rewarding in any way (to some drama is a reward too) as you are simply not there to feed off of.

 

You shouldn't have to be chased from your own home, but with only 4 months left, I'd consider it a temporary means to peace.

 

Hang in there, and don't feed into her self-created drama.

[ResonanceTheory]

I had the worst roommate on earth a year ago. It was living hell. She was controlling, acted like my mother, shouted at me like I was a misbehaving child...when she in fact was the one making the messes, etc...Anyways.

There was nothing that i could do to make her stop being as she was. I tried talking "straight" to her...but it never worked. She always resorted to being catty, like your roommate. The only way i was able to avoid it was by virtually moving out of the house (still paying for it though ) and living with my boyfriend. She still tried to control me at every juncture, though...was a royal pain when I moved out, too--told me that, since I didn't live there anymore, or was moving out, I couldn't throw my trash in her trash bin...i had to go to the city dump to toss it

 

Some people are just psychos, taking it out on the world because they want to. Try to maintain your sanity, and get the heck out of there ASAP.

[alli]

The only way i was able to avoid it was by virtually moving out of the house (still paying for it though ) and living with my boyfriend. She still tried to control me at every juncture, though...was a royal pain when I moved out, too--told me that, since I didn't live there anymore, or was moving out, I couldn't throw my trash in her trash bin...i had to go to the city dump to toss it

 

Wow, how annoying! I would have said something like, "Well, since I still paid my share of the rent when I was gone then I DO have a right to use the trash can, but if you would prefer it that I didn't use the trash can than you can pay me back all the rent money I've paid since I left and I WILL use the city dump!

 

Seriously! Some people.