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This Journal Will Last


Lusif

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I've been on ENA for... well, I don't know, a few months. I imagine the left side will tell you. And I never noticed this forum before; I usually ignore Off Topic and all that is below it - I'm a sucker for romantic drama and nothing else, it seems!

 

I've had countless blogs and diaries; homemade diaries, low-budget blogs, LJs, Wordpresses, Bloggers, pretty diaries, cheap diaries, big diaries, little diaries... I think about three lasted. I love looking back at what I was doing on this day three years ago or something, seeing how I've changed, how I've not changed, wondering if my life was actually that boring that 'Had Science today, was crap' ever seemed like an entry worth writing.

 

Anyway, for anyone who might stumble accross this, I shall warn you - I have a habit of scribbling/typing furiously in journals when I'm a tad angry/depressed (it is possible that my few LJ readers genuinely believe I spend my days in a depressive stupor, trying to think of something, anything to rant about over the Internet).

 

 

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I hate crying about things that are 'wrong' with my life, because so much is right: I'm alive, I'm healthy, my family love me, I have some friends, I have an amazing boyfriend, my dad pays for my rent here, I'm not hideous, I'm intelligent, I have a world of opportunities at my hands.

 

Yet I can't help but wonder what's wrong with me. I've been here for six and a half months now, and I thought it'd be my big chance to make some friends. Everyone makes loads of friends at uni, right? I've got my boyfriend and my housemates. I get on well with their friends, so I can socialise in their circles but I find it nigh-on impossible to make my own friends. What's wrong with me? What is so f**king wrong with me that I'm sat here all alone right now? I speak to my friends from back home, ranging from once every few days to like, once a month, via Facebook or MSN or text.

 

I love my relationship. We go together so well, and it just works. But I'm scared of f**king it up because I'm a defected loser. Maybe he'll eventually want someone with more friends, more to offer. But why the f**k do I have to think this crap when this guy says he loves me, I'm perfect, we're perfect... I know that I can only f**k it up by over-thinking things, worrying about not being enough etc.

 

I have notions of trying harder next year, actually attending my lectures and speaking to people on my course, joining a couple of societies... I could have it all if I just tried. Ughh. If anyone reads this, please say something, I wouldn't normally care but right now I feel so rubbish.

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So, I've calmed down a little now. I still don't feel amazing. I really want a hug off someone, anyone...

 

Part of me doesn't even want to bother trying to get happier, because I think, what sort of freak repeats matras to themselves, makes lists of happy things in their life, does [insert self-help method here]? Because I want to be normal. But would it not just be a lot better if I did things that make me happy, because let's be honest - I will never be 'normal', and that's a good thing. Maybe this is like depressives not taking their meds because they want to be 'normal'. Heck, my boyfriend loves me for not being normal.

 

Right, I want to make a vow to myself, and mean it this time. I WILL make every effort to make myself happier, project happiness, be a happy person. Even all those 'normal' people put up fronts, they put their best face forward for the world and few see what's behind all that. I'm not going to box myself into the 'damaged goods' corner. They go on about the power of thought, and I will use it. For my sake, and everyone's sake.

 

About three months ago, I prayed for a miracle and a lot has changed since then, altogether for the better. I want to give thanks for that, and I want to appreciate it.

 

R, relationships scare me because they can last forever or end the next day. I like to know stuff. But I need to quit worrying about us ending (because at the moment, our relationship is perfect, I will not ruin it with worries). Put less pressure on things. Even if things did end, life would go on. But I will say this: I do not want this to end, not for a long while. I love you.

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I scare myself a little when I look back on these... I am kind of ashamed to be that person. Is it a personality trait, is it me? Or is it a disease, not me? I sometimes wonder how different we really are. Do other people in my life, seemingly normal people, have these crappy phases? Living with people, you get to learn a little. I know most of my housemates tend to lock themselves away when they're sad, I know L cries on her own sometimes, I know E has self-help books about 'overcoming loneliness', I know T has to play video games to stop him from going mad, I know C gets down when he's on his own and that's why he tries to spend as much time as possible with people. Am I really that different, that much of a freak? Maybe not.

 

I'm not sure about R - he seems so normal, so happy, so confident. I know when he feels guilty he gets defensive and tries to blame others, I know he gets nervous and hates failing.

 

We all have our faults, but these make us who we are.

 

I am a 20 year-old university student who doesn't have so many friends but at least I can usually find someone to speak to. The friends that I do have are really close and amazing, not to mention my boyfriend. My family love me and I know they'll always support me. I have prospects. I can be content in my own company. I have an open mind and empathy.

 

Okay, so I get worried about what people think of me, I'm scared to assume anything or tempt fate, I feel stupid for staying in, I wish I did more...

 

But what the hell, I don't do bad things, I love everyone and from now on I think I will make that known.

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I really wish that I could always see this light that I do now.

 

I just came accross a really good piece of advice: you get what you focus on.

 

So I focus on people disliking me, they'll dislike me. Or even, I worry myself sick about getting cancer, I'll get cancer. I've always thought that if a thought crosses my mind, then it won't happen - expect the unexpected. But I guess this is about NOT thinking next year won't be as good as I want it to be, NOT worrying about how long my relationship will last, NOT thinking I'll never make friends here.

 

I will make friends here.

I will put time, effort and positivity into this relationship and get the most out of it.

I will pass this year. And my degree!

I will do something amazing this summer.

I will concentrate on making people feel special and not assuming everyone hates me.

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Trying hard NOT to get negative.

 

FOCUS: I need to be less closed off when I'm not happy. He does actually spend lots of time with me, he loves me, I am not needy, he loves me because I'm not one of those girls who demands lots of time/affection, I am special, STOP WORRYING.

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Okay, gonna be hard to positivise the way I'm feeling right now.

 

I'm not mad at my boyfriend because he's gone to his friend's for the day/night (meaning I'll be here alone for at least 24 hours). I'm going home next week so he'll probably be alone in this house then. We've spent quite a bit of time together this week.

 

I'm mad at the fact that this means I have nothing to do. Am I dependent on him? I just feel pathetic, holed up in here constantly. I actually WANT to go home. I really wish I had more proper friends here. I don't want him to see me as a social leper.

 

I am upset. I'm trying to think of stuff to do... go shopping, do work, phone someone, talk to someone online... I was gonna go round to his friend's flat tonight for food but turns out they're cooking sausages, I'm vegetarian. Shopping is boring alone, makes me even more depressed. Sick of spending time alone. No one to phone and have cry-ey voice anyway. Arghhh. I texted L asking her if I can come round hers sometime this/next week, she hasn't replied

 

I'm just too sensitive.

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Honest to f**k.

 

After my boyfriend went out today, I started crying because I was at a loss, didn't know how to spend the day.

 

WHY IS IT SO F**KING HARD FOR ME TO MAKE FRIENDS?

 

Why is it so easy for some people? Seriously, what do I do wrong? There are people shyer than me who still manage to make friends. I just wish I had a circle, I wish I had best friends who make more of an effort, I wish I had people I could ring up and go out with. I am getting sick of living life like this.

 

My boyfriend loves me, my true friends seem to love my personality... so what the f**k is so wrong with me that I can't make friends? Am I too aloof or what? I try, I f**king try. I'm scared this will harm me because it kills my self-esteem. It's like, what's the point in believing in myself if few other people do? I'm scared this will harm my relationship, that my boyfriend will want someone more normal who has a life.

 

But I'm going to try NOT to think about this. What's the point of dwelling? Okay, so this sh*t doesn't come to me naturally, I've gotta work at it. If I at least accept myself, I've got more of a chance of others accepting me.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Home was really good, but not for the reasons I thought it'd be. I loved the entirely free time, not having to worry about judgement or anything. But I dunno, my friends seem... different. Or maybe it's me. Jess * * * * * es and * * * * * es, and yeah I do it too, but I worry she does it to me behind my back. Kim barely bothered with me, and Lisa didn't seem herself. So it was fun, but not incredibly. There was a sort of negative undertone.

 

Now I'm back at uni and things are amazing with my boyfriend, but it keeps hitting me that I have no real friends here. It bothers me that L has friends and she's an annoying b*tch. Me and E can be really good friends but she obviously prefers her real friends, the ones she goes out with.

 

Bahh. But I don't know, I feel as if lately I can handle stuff better - I've not had a 'bad' time for almost a month. I don't care as much what people think of me.

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There's a slightly self-indulgent analogy I like to use. I'm a little side-street boutique; quirky, not so well-known and perhaps not to everyone's taste. I may not be raking in millions of customers like Topshop, I may not be samey, I may not be popular and in-your-face, but people love me because I'm different. And I love them because they're different.

 

I could go one step further and say I'm haute couture - not many people can 'afford' me, so they go for the cheap cr*p. But that'd be a bit conceited of me.

 

I sometimes feel insecure because I've not got as many friends as others, don't go out every night, and spend lots of time alone... but I like it that way. I get scared that people think of me as a hermit, but who even cares? My boyfriend's always busy with work and friends, I've got lots of free time, that doesn't make me a worse person. Heck, like he wants to be with a female version of himself.

 

I do wish I had the choice, though. The choice to be alone, the choice to not go out every night... One part of me says that I suck because I'm weird and people don't really 'get' me, the other says, so what? I might as well believe the latter.

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Part of me feels like a loser for making lists like this instead of, y'know, having a life, but whatever.

 

innocent smoothies

R

Lush products

Bubble baths

Honeydew melons

Being one of the hottest girls in a room

Not dressing like a clone

Getting work done

Sitting in the library, in my own little world

Going home

Train journeys

Cuddles

Good music

Girly TV

My sparkly bird ornaments

Expensive food

Expensive-ish clothes

Vegetarian sushi

Guitar Hero, being good at

Wearing many bracelets

Unicorns, rainbows, etc.

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  • 2 weeks later...

My boyfriend never * * * * ing wants to go out with me, he'll agree to going out with other people, I don't want him and her staying in, he pretty much said yesterday was a waste of time, the work excuse is absolutely pathetic, I am upset, sometimes I feel as if things don't mean as much to him as they do to me.

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