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Minor Breakthrough or False Dawning?


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So to give a little backstory ... me and my ex split up about 2 months ago, we planned on marriage/ kids and broke up just before I moved in with her which left me completely out of control, having to move back with my parents and to a different town where I was glad to be moving out of.

 

I was in a bad place. I missed her, the way she made me felt, and all the hopes for the future. More then that I had no idea what to do with my life. I was completely directionless and felt life had no purpose for me.

 

The last two months have easily been the worst of my life. Never felt as low. And I'm not going to lie and say I'm happy but his weekend has my adrenalin rushing because I hit a rock bottom I didn't think I could hit, and I've bounced back and am actually excited and scared about life for the right reasons: namely what am I going to do, and not what can I do to get to her.

 

Today is the 4 week anniversary of no contact. I stopped snooping about 2 1/2 weeks ago, deleted her number and all that goes along with it. We're not friends on any social networking site, but we do have mutual friends. She came to my town to visit these mutual friends, which had me really nervous she may get in touch (she didn't) and it had me in a low place. I ironically had to go to her town for a close friend of mines birthday. It was super emotional going back to her town her the first time since the break up, and there were so many memories I hadn't confronted that faced me. But I had a good time, the next day I was feeling as low as I could have felt thinking about my time with her and then I clicked on facebook and in my newsfeed two of my friends had been tagged in an album by her. Ignoring the no snooping rule for a second I looked at the pictures. And I looekd at her. She was wearing clothes I'd bought her, but I didn't feel sad. I didn't really feel anything towards her. She's an attractive girl, but she didn't look as good as she normally does in the photos. There was a couple of her with this guy and who knows, maybe something is going on (I won't lie, I obsessed about it a bit) but it didn't break me down. Part is that I'm a lot better looking then him and part is that I realised its not my issue anymore. It doesn't feel like my business.

 

I feel she came down off the pedastal a tiny bit this weekend. And more importantly I let go a little bit of clinging onto what we had realising I was struggling to let go because I still wanted someone special to me in my life. The loneliness still sucks, but thats not her fault ... she's a different person to the one I thought I would spend the rest of my life with, simply put. I still miss how I felt, but I don't know if I really miss her.

 

Anyways, this morning I deleted our christmas pictures from my camera and threw away hard copies of photos from our trip away. I put my deposit down for my flight to Australia and Thailand this afternnon, and when I get back I'm going to the gym.

 

The truth is this may just be a peek and that I may feel low again quite soon, and it bothers me a little to think she has got on with her life more then I've got on with mine, but thats my ego and my heart being bothered. And I'd much rather my ego took another beating then my heart.

 

Anyways, I just wanted to get this out because its the best I've felt in a while.

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